Haha ... Dick

About Haha ... Dick

I'm your super friend Doug. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

Publisher

Douglas Elfman

Category

comedy · news · society & culture

Language

en

Explicit

No

First episode

22 Oct 2023

Latest episode

11 Nov 2025

Latest episodes

15 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   11 Nov 2025

   I don't consent to this

   I have several mottos. My number one life motto is: “Laugh and come.” My number two motto is: “No arguing, no suffering.” Number three is: “I don't consent to this” if it's not about laughing and having fun and enjoying life. You know, there was this really great thing, once upon a time, called The 2000-year-old Man, where Mel Brooks was playing this 2000-year-old man, and then he was asked what the secret to life was, or whatever his motto for life was. And he said: “To live.” And then the interviewer says: “That's it? To live?” And then Mel Brooks goes: “No, not to live … TO LIVE!” That's my motto. I want TO LIVE, I don't want to argue. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

2. 

   21 Dec 2023

   I Can't With This Anymore

   It's 81 degrees in my house, and I have the central heat on and I have a space heater on, and I just bought a new space heater, and I'm wearing wool socks and fuzzy pajama pants and an undershirt and a hoodie, and I am finally warm enough to actually live my life, I cannot believe it. I hate the cold stupid winter. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

3. 

   24 Nov 2023

   Renfield vs Killers of the Flower Moon vs Thanksgiving (Haha Dick At The Movies)

   haha dick episode 13 Killers of the flower Moon versus renfield versus Thanksgiving haha dick at the movies https://youtu.be/pFjHq_g6__0?si=umumeR5mObojVdy4 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

4. 

   23 Nov 2023

   What's Wrong With People

   I think I have figured out why some people are super terrible people who never say sorry or please or thank you, but maybe I'm wrong so you tell me. I love you and I hope you're having a great day. ♥️ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

5. 

   21 Nov 2023

   What Women Want: Dating Stories, Tips + Tricks (Featuring Female Perspective Expert Ellen Ziegler)

   Female perspective expert Ellen Ziegler was sitting on her couch when her worst date started peeling away his toenails on her couch. Take a guess as to whether she went on another date with this guy. I went out with a woman who did nothing but fart all the time and then tell me that she was farting all the time. Take a guess as to whether I'm still dating Fart Girl. Here we are, and it's the future of dating. We have all of these dating apps. We meet people in the real world all the time. And for some reason, we're all still single. Ellen and I talk about all this (on this new episode of my “Haha Dick" podcast), and we come to some conclusions: One. Many women want a man who isn't just a provider but can keep up with his woman financially, so that they are on relatively even levels. Two. Many women want men to show up in the relationship and give as well as they get. What's funny about this to me is that I am looking for the same qualities in my future partners. I don't necessarily want someone who is rich or poor, and I don't want someone who is unavailable or pining over some god-awful ex. I feel like there are universal qualities that we're all looking for in partners of any gender, and those qualities can be summed up very succinctly: We want someone who has a similar sex drive, and a similar money drive, and a similar worldview, and we want other similar things. I know that sounds basic and obvious. But honestly, what a lot of us want is someone who reminds us of ourselves in a way. Or, we want someone who reminds us of ourselves in most ways. I've often said that if I could clone myself then I would marry myself. And the reason is that I have been in many relationships with many people and I have come to the conclusion that I am a very good partner and if I could find someone who's as good of a partner as me then I would settle down with that person for the rest of my life. And in the meantime, we're all on these stupid dating apps, and we're all meeting people in the aisles of stores, and we're going to bars and restaurants and Facebook events and all this other stuff in search of someone who will make us feel less lonely and less desperate. Another stupidly funny thing to me is that we all get lonely and desperate so we end up in relationships we shouldn't be in, and then time passes and we have to break up, and then we get sad or angry or whatever emotion is required of that specific breakup. And then we have to start that process all over again. It's kind of fun but also kind of sucky. Love is a numbers game, and we have to meet as many people as we can. It's like my Nana always told me: There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. I've gone out with 33 people this year and I have had sex with a lot of them and I ended up in long-term relationships with none of them. But oh what fun I've had. For real. What I'm getting at is this: I'm on the market. If you're looking for a man like me, then let me know you're available too. Here's my Bumble profile, are you ready?: I'm not your provider. I'm a fun, funny, handsome, sexy genius. I'm the greatest writer who'll ever live. I own a house. I'm sane, stable, healthy: Physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, intellectually, and socially. I'm the world's greatest domineering lover. But I'm not your provider. xoxo Subscribe to Haha Dick on your podcast apps, and on YouTube: https://youtube.com/@DougElfman #comedy #podcast #vlog Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

6. 

   19 Nov 2023

   Sports Injection Into My Plastic Veins (Assimilate and Conform, Robot)

   Fitting in is easy and hard especially if you move around a lot like an army brat but also if you are trying not to like the sports in your town and you can't get away from the sports in your town so then eventually you just start grafting the sports logos on the insides of your eyelids so that you fit in and conform and become a robot like I am going to do to myself now thank you very much. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

7. 

   16 Nov 2023

   Football F1 Guns Vegas: The Disneyland For Adults (a metaphor not affiliated with Disney)

   Football Hockey F1 Cars Weed Guns: Las Vegas, The Disneyland For Adults (Where Questionable Parents Bring Kids) https://youtu.be/vskCNHc4wcw?si=Fv1_QJXXqQnSsy9q The worst thing that's happened to Las Vegas in a while is this stupid F1 Formula 1 race, and I don't know a single person who is happy about it. Las Vegas Boulevard has been ripped up for months. Driving to anywhere on the Strip has been a nightmare for most of 2023. The last time I was at the Paris hotel to dine with a lover, it took us an hour to drive there, and the Strip smelled like tar, and all I could hear at times were these giant road-ripping-up machines. If you don't live in Las Vegas, and if you see any positive media coverage of F1’s effect on Vegas, I strongly suggest not believing that media outlet about anything ever again, because F1 sucks hardcore. I say all this as Las Vegas’ biggest (honest) cheerleader. I've lived all around America, and Vegas is my favorite city. That's why I'm still here. Vegas is a 24/7 town, so we have bars and clubs and restaurants that are open all the time. But 24/7 also means Vegas is one of the only places in the entire world where you can drive to a store and rent a carpet cleaner at 4 in the morning. Plus, we have the friendliest people in the country, and the hardest workers around. That's why our population has exploded up to 3 million people. I mean, we had that terrible Mandalay Massacre six years ago, and people are still flocking here nonetheless. Why? Because Vegas is freedom, and Vegas is like a Disneyland for Adults (no affiliation with Disney, it's just a metaphor that fits). We have America's biggest swinger place in the Red Rooster, and we have other swinger places like the Green Door, and strip clubs like Crazy Horse 3 and the Spearmint Rhino, and you can get handjobs on Spring Mountain, and you can smoke weed, and go to world-class restaurants and shopping malls and dayclubs and nightclubs that earn $100 million a year, and Cirque shows, and concerts. But that's all just the above-ground stuff. Underground Vegas has even crazier things, from illicit drugs to off-the-tax-rolls sex workers, and even secret illegal restaurants. But my beautiful city has its downsides, just like any city. We had that Mandalay Massacre. Gun culture is dumb here, with machine gun ranges, and a recent case where a bachelorette had a guy in her room who allegedly shot her pillow, and a guy this week allegedly shot at middle schoolers, and sometimes you'll see a guy in a grocery store with a gun on his belt, and the hotels haven't installed metal detectors. What's more, a lot of people work three jobs to make ends meet. Traffic's getting worse. And now we have this stupid fucking F1 race thing messing up our roads and our aura and the visitor experience and the locals experience. So if you're thinking of heading to Vegas for vacation or to live here, do yourself a favor and keep your eye on Vegas social media, and maybe don't come until the whole F1 apparatus is gone. Not just the race, but the ripped-up streets, and the tar machines, and all this awfulness. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

8. 

   12 Nov 2023

   Is It Normal For Me To Fantasize About Celebrities Having Sex? (Haha Dick)

   Do you ever imagine celebrities having sex and masturbating? I do and here are all the fun things I think they're up to which includes: Megan Markle and Prince Harry Taylor Swift and that football guy Elon Musk Russell Brand Cardi B Britney Spears Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles Nicole Kidman Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez Miley Cyrus Lil Nas X Elliot Page They like, comment and share, because. Get Haha Dick on your podcast app, and subscribe on YouTube: https://youtube.com/@DougElfman #comedy #podcast #vlog Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

9. 

   9 Nov 2023

   Penis Is The Number 1 Priority Of Most Men, Here's Why (Haha Dick)

   Penis is the number 1 priority of many men, because ... why? Is it a physical necessity first? Or a psychological pull? The answer is obvious, but a lot of people don't want to even acknowledge the scientific and everyday reasons why we men are constantly thinking about our own dicks. And dick shame must end now. Vow to be proud of your dick and reject dick shamers. What's more, blue balls is a real condition, and I have the perfect explanation for those women who want to know how it's real and why it must be avoided. Plus, let's talk about loving your own dick. This is a vital and important episode for the health and happiness of you and your dick. Like. Subscribe. Comment. Share. Donate here: https://www.paypal.me/yesdoug patreon.com/dougable Get Haha Dick on your favorite podcast app, and on YouTube: https://youtube.com/@DougElfman #comedy #podcast #vlog Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

10. 

    3 Nov 2023

    Most Shocking Celebrity Deaths Of All Time

    Matthew Perry. Euphoria actor. Kirsty Alley. Bob Saget. Betty White. Norm MacDonald. Kobe Bryant. Luke Perry. Aviici. Tom Petty. Garry Shandling. Chester Bennington. Florence Henderson. Bill Paxton. Erin Moran. Carrie Fisher. Debbie Reynolds. George Michael. Paul Walker. Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Joan Rivers. Heath Ledger. Whitney Houston. Bernie Mac. Kurt Cobain. Anna Nicole Smith. Tupac Shakur. Steve Irwin The Crocodile Hunter. James Gandolfini. Notorious B.I.G. Brittany Murphy. Prince. David Bowie. Natalie Cole. https://youtu.be/Ugz_vNOa9ts?si=Kn_Dlu62_u_kfXW8 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

11. 

    30 Oct 2023

    Is It Hard Being A Man?

    Is it hard being a man? This is what YouTuber Shoe0nHead just said. And it got me thinking even more than usual about the respect missing from dating and mating. I mean here I am, gorgeous, a genius, super fun, successful, a homeowner, a good traveler, nurturing, a hot zaddy…and even I have the kinds of troubles Shoe0nHead talks about, no matter how much misandrists claim that all men suck and deserve loneliness and sadness and yuck. You can also watch this podcast episode on my YouTube channel HaHa Dick and Doug Elfman. I love you and I hope you're having a fun day, no matter who you are or aren't. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

12. 

    27 Oct 2023

    Haha Dick: Who Wants Vin Diesel? (And Britney's Behind?) [standup podcast]

    Subscribe and watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/HDbaYNu6F2M?si=AZ6KLdX1Ke94f2Yx My friend and I are sitting in big comfy chairs in Minks, the strip club/sports bar in Las Vegas, and we're watching Vin Diesel in a "Fast & Furious" movie, while women work the pole behind us, and I ask my friend: Who are the people who want to get it on with Vin Diesel? I mean no disrespect to Mr. Diesel. I'm just curious what the demographic is for a Vin Diesel good time. My friend admonishes me. She goes: Doug, don't shame people. I go: I know, I know, you're right. I'm just always curious what kinds of people are attracted to other kinds of people. You know? I just like demographics and sociology, and who better to divine seduction than Mr. Vin Diesel from The Chronicles of Riddick? As if Vin Diesel isn't enough of a good conversation starter, how about Britney Spears who just took off her clothing again, but this time: deliciously. Let's discuss. Haha, Dick. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

13. 

    25 Oct 2023

    Celebrity News Jokes

    Kelly Ripa fakes death during sex, Lil Baby responds to fellatio thing, no one in my hood knows who Jake Paul is, Taylor Swift 'isn't dickmatised,' Paris Hilton is a mom, Rebecca Romjin denies cheating, Olivia Culpo wants to rip out her IUD, Mark Cuban's alone in his car, Elon Musk made his sister eat raw meat after he hypnotized her to think she was a dog because he's just so cool like what a great guy huh? (haha dick, celebrity news + views/gossip jokes podcast) #comedy #podcast #vlog SPONSOR ME ON PATREON patreon.com/dougable SEND ME COSTUMES TO WEAR https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2HOR723FH8ABL?ref_=wl_share GIVE ME MONEY FOR YOU KNOW WHAT https://www.paypal.me/yesdoug #comedy #podcast #vlog #podcast #celebritynews #halloweencostume #satire #improv #humor #standup #comedy #jokes #hahadick #vlog #dougable #dougelfman #lol #lasvegas #pixel7 #rodemicrophone #inshotvideoeditor #whitebeard #blueeyes #unscripted #zaddy #badsinging #KellyRipa #LilBaby #britney #JakePaul #TaylorSwift #ParisHilton #MarkCuban #Elon #oliviacu lpo #rebeccaromjin Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

14. 

    23 Oct 2023

    I Cringe Scam Vs. Worst Millions

    I the Sexy Nun "love on" Elon, Taylor, Reba, Britney, Cher, Madonna, Steve Harvey, Mark Zuckerberg, and Doug Elfman in this action-packed sequel to the hottest and most popular comedy satire podcast episode pilot I have ever launched into the public zeitgeist with the help of the entire planet Earth and all 8 billion human beings who love fame and wealth and celebrity and laughs and lols and money and public relations and marketing and sales and advertising and agents and managers and juggernauts and pop culture and earnings calls and Halloween and shopping and crying and phones and breakups and new relationships and scarecrows and holding hands and family feuds and meta and braids and Las Vegas and friends. I love you. You're my shmoochems. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.

15. 

    22 Oct 2023

    I've Gone Too Far

    News jokes about Kanye, Britney, Taylor, my own therapy, and other silly things, all while I'm dressed in a reindeer costume, because comedians just love a comic in a prop. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy (https://acast.com/privacy) for more information.