Autistic POV

Barbara Graver

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19
Episodes: 2024
First episode

About Autistic POV

My late-diagnosed autistic ADHD journey with AuDHD author Barbara Graver. barbaragraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast)

Publisher: Barbara Graver
Category: education · society & culture
Language: en
Explicit: No
First episode: 20 Dec 2024
Latest episode: 22 Sept 2025

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19 episodes in the feed.

22 Sept 2025
Getting Diagnosed with ADHD
I got the results of my ADHD evaluation today and wanted to share it. The additional diagnosis will affect my content a bit going forward because I’m going to be focusing on both Autism and ADHD—mostly in regard to writing but I’ll probably talk about how it overlaps some of my other interests as well. I will still be sharing my fiction and nonfiction writing, including book excerpts, creative writing and metaphysical posts/ I was told that I have ADHD with high impulsivity which explains a lot. To me, this was interesting because I felt that autism didn’t really explain everything I’ve been dealing with, particularly in regard to my creative projects. More on this in the video! Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit barbaragraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)
7 Sept 2025
Writing about Difficult Experiences in My Autism Memoir
What is the difference between memoir and autobiography? What is the actual point of sharing our experience? What happens when that experience is difficult or dark? This episode of the podcast talks about all of these questions but mostly focuses on my experience with difficult material. So I wanted to answer the first couple of questions, below, in text format. Subscribe to my newsletter: barbaragraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/) Memoir vs. Autobiography An autobiography and a memoir are not the same thing. An autobiography focuses on a person’s entire life. Memoir covers a slice of life in a topical way. While that slice can span decades, it should reflect the memoir’s overarching topic or theme. What doesn’t reflect the theme is extraneous. For me, this was the first sticking point (more about that in the podcast), because even though I was writing an autism memoir, I found it impossible to talk about autism in isolation. Knowing what did and didn’t relate to the autism theme was tricky. In some instances (like trauma) the relationship was clear, in others (like supernatural experience) it was not. I had trouble figuring out what was relevant and what wasn’t, so I just decided to write the thing. Then I got stuck again. Sharing Our Experience According to NYT’s journalist and memoirist, Marion Roach, there’s a reason why we share our personal experience in memoir. And that reason isn’t catharsis or getting even with people or even making sense of things. It’s illustrating a point. In memoir our life experience, per Roach, is an anecdote that helps explain the theme. While I’m not sure I agree with that completely, there is no doubt that Roach knows how to make her life experience work that way. Roach’s book The Memoir Project contains some lovely examples of transcendence in writing. There is reason she is successful. It’s worth stressing, however, that Roach isn’t an amateur and while writing examples of the type that she shares in The Memoir Project that can illustrate a point than also make us feel a little outclassed. My writing is sloppy, compared to someone who writes for the NYT, but I do find meaning through doing it. I feel that has worth, even when—or probably especially when—it’s difficult. Whether or not, I can produce a readable memoir remains to be seen. For more on this topic, please check out the podcast! It is a separate thing, not a rehash of what you just read :) Listen to my Sharing Our Story podcast here: https://barbaragraver.substack.com/p/sharing-our-autism-story-ep-6-7fb (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/p/sharing-our-autism-story-ep-6-7fb) This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit barbaragraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)
30 Jul 2025
Moving My Podcast and Gaining Focus
Why Autistic POV is leaving podbean and how it relates to autism and increased focus. While the podcast will now be hosted on Substack at barbaragraver.substack.com (https://substack.com/@barbaragrave) it will still be syndicated to Apple, Spotify, and elsewhere under the name Autistic POV. You just might have to look for new episodes as the old Autistic POV won't be update. Or simply join me on substack! I hope to see you there and thank you so much for listening. NOTE: If you see various episodes of the podcast please look for the logo with the rainy day rainy day rainbow background (instead of the purple one)! You can see the new logo below. Listen to the NEW Autistic POV (and all the old episodes) on Spotify at https://open.spotify.com/show/3Ot2c01IU5MfpEoIvvPDde (https://open.spotify.com/show/3Ot2c01IU5MfpEoIvvPDde) Listen on Apple at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/autistic-pov/id1828995708 (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/autistic-pov/id1828995708) Listen on Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/b0a4f4bf-4711-4d63-8cf4-6035db7a4c50/autistic-pov (https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/b0a4f4bf-4711-4d63-8cf4-6035db7a4c50/autistic-pov) Listen on Audible here: https://www.audible.com/podcast/Autistic-POV/B0D9ZRFH73?source_code=ASSGB149080119000H&share_location=pdp (https://www.audible.com/podcast/Autistic-POV/B0D9ZRFH73?source_code=ASSGB149080119000H&share_location=pdp) Or check out my Substack Autistic POV podcast page to listen for free at: https://barbaragraver.substack.com/s/autistic-pov-podcast (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/s/autistic-pov-podcast) Here is the new logo! Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
5 Jul 2025
Monotropism: A Theory of Autism
This is the intro to a new series where I’ll be exploring a theory of autism called monotropism. I found out about the monotropic model of autism a few days ago and have just begun to learn about it. I don't know a lot as of yet (aside from my own lived experience as a person who definitely is monotropic) but I am intrigued and want to learn more. I'll be talking about it today and again in a future post. If you like my content, please follow the podcast! For more on monotropism, please visit monotropism.org (https://monotropism.org/) and / or follow the podcast and we explore this topic. Check out my blog Writing On The Spectrum here: BarbaraGraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/) ______ Autistic POV theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
24 Jun 2025
My Autistic Traits: Difference Not Deficit!
In the episode I share how I rated my own autistic traits on a 1-10 scale and how I'm learning to think in terms of "difference, not deficit." Check out the blog post on charting my autistic traits here: https://barbaragraver.substack.com/p/charting-my-autistic-traits (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/p/charting-my-autistic-traits) Check out my blog Writing On The Spectrum here: BarbaraGraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/) If you like my content, please follow the podcast! Full transcript below. If you need closed captioning (or the transcript is cut off), please listen via the podbean app or at AutisticPOV.com (http://autisticpov.com) (https://www.autisticpov.com/ (https://www.autisticpov.com/)). Episode 13 Transcript Welcome to Autistic POV. My name is Barbara Graver and I started this podcast to share a bit of my journey as a late diagnosed autistic. Hi everybody, this is Barbara Graver. Thank you for joining me today on Autistic POV. Today I wanted to talk a little bit about autistic characteristics and I'm going to 0:32 be doing this through the lens of the characteristics I've identified in myself. I just try to steer away from speaking for other people because there's such a a wide range of experience and abilities in autism that I feel whenever I try to speak for anyone else, I always feel like I'm getting it wrong. 0:57 So this is purely from my perspective. The disclaimer is these traits are not necessarily going to present the way they aren't going to present the same way across the spectrum as they present in me because we're all different. So I talked a little bit during my autism and psychic ability series, 1:19 I talked a little bit about the idea of a linear spectrum, a spectrum from high to low, as is suggested by the DSM-5. And I talked about why I have problems with that. I think ranking across the board is problematic, although I do think autism is a constellation of traits. 1:39 And I do think it could be useful to do specific individual ranking in terms of trait by trait. I think that's helpful. It gives you a better picture of yourself and what your abilities and what your challenges might be. Ranking people as a whole, to me, I feel that's a little problematic for various reasons, 2:01 such as the many different comorbidities, apraxia, for example, anxiety. all kinds of comorbidities come into play, as well as inherent differences like talents and abilities and intellect. It's just there's so much at play that I think ranking from low to high is problematic. And it's also, 2:26 it causes people to fall into a way of thinking that I don't feel is very helpful. I don't think it's helpful to to think of people as more or less autistic or more or less challenged or more or less worthwhile. I don't think that's a good way to think. 2:44 And I think when you're ranking individuals from low to high, you're always going to kind of suggest that or lead people into that kind of thinking, which I don't like. So I did discuss this before, but I just wanted to put it out there kind of as a disclaimer. 2:59 So what I did, and I have a blog post on this that I'll link to. What I did for myself was I looked at the DSM-5. I don't like the DSM-5. I don't like that it calls autism a disorder. I don't like that it ranks people. 3:14 But I do think it does a fair job of describing observable traits in autistics. I don't find it totally useless, even though I have issues with it. So what I kind of did is I took the traits that were listed in the DSM-5 and sort of adapted them to better reflect me. 3:35 And I used those traits to come up with categories for myself. And I made various charts and put them in my blog, which people seem to like. I'll link to that. And the chart showed my different characteristics. And this is not an idea that's specific to me. 3:57 You could see a lot of people will be looking at autism in this way. It's a spectrum, but it's not a linear spectrum. It's more of like a radial spectrum, which I think is interesting. You know, it's kind of interesting in terms of dimensionality. 4:11 We think of a spectrum as high to low, and technically that's what it is. But that's a linear 2D kind of dimensionality, where if you want to think of it more 3D, kind of as a radial sort of thing, you could do that too. So what I did is I came up with 10 categories. 4:31 One of my things had 10 categories. One had 12 because it just worked better for the type of charts I used. But the categories I used were hypersensitivity, hyposensitivity, hyper fixations, special interests, nonverbal communication. I don't like that word nonverbal, but I didn't know what else to use. 4:54 Some people will call it social cues, but I find that confusing too. But that's basically your ability. It should probably be called non-speaking communication, your ability to communicate and to read cues without speaking. Conversation. I use conversation. So instead of Expressive communication. I just kind of lumped conversation together. Relationships, transitions, echolalia, repetitive motor, and pattern recognition. 5:28 And then I rated myself. in each of these categories. And I think this is a useful exercise for everyone to do, and everyone's going to differ. But I think it's interesting to find that you will have some kind of, if you do this, you will have some kind of a relationship to each of these categories. 5:47 Even if you get a one, you'll have a kind of relationship to them, or that's what I found. So for me, fixations, hyper fixations, I gave that a 10. I'm not sure that might have been a little excessive, but that is huge for me. My special interests dominate my life. They dominate my thought processes. 6:10 They dominate the way I spend my time. They completely dominate my life. And I have tried to dial back I've tried to stop and I just can't function that way. This is how I relate to the world. And it kind of reminded me of there's episode in elementary where Sherlock says to Watson, 6:35 and I can't find the episodes. If anyone knows that, please tell me. But where he says to Watson, but we are what we do. And she says, no, you are. I'm not. And it's interesting, one thing I liked about that show is everything he does in that show, and I mentioned this before, 6:52 everything he does in that show, like all his friends, he interacts with them through his hyperfixation in solving crimes. And that's really the only way he could interact with people. And that's how I am. That's how my relationships are. My relationships with people are organized around an interest. 7:11 And when that interest shifts, I can no longer really relate to that person. And I don't really have any face-to-face relationships at all, aside from my adult kids. But if that orientation shifts, I can't continue with the relationship usually. I just can't find the common ground in order to do it. But there is a 7:34 in my opinion, a good side to all these things. I don't really consider them deficits. My therapist said that to me. I was talking about communication and a problem I was having. And she said, is this making you more aware of your deficits? And I said, I don't really see them as deficits. I see them as differences. 7:53 I communicate differently. It's not wrong. It's not bad. Here I am on the podcast blabbing away because it's one-sided. It's not that I can't communicate. It's that communicate differently. So anyhow, hyper fixations, mine are books, media, mythology, ancient history, religion, the occult, like anything kind of under that umbrella, that mystical umbrella and writing and books. 8:19 So those are, are my hyper fixations. And that is what I spend my time doing. And I can't change that. Even if I want to, I can't. And there have been times in my life I really, really did, but I still couldn't. Another category I identified was hypersensitivity. For me, when I was little, 8:38 this had to do with feeling like wool burned and feeling like polyester cut. Like if you've read that poem by Emily Dickinson, A Panther in the Glove, that's what that's about. And it's A difficult thing because kids that experience these kind of hypersensitivities, they're subject to a lot of gaslighting because people will tell them, you're being dramatic, 8:59 you're making this up, you're being a prima donna, you know, all these things. And no, they're not, they're really perceiving it that way. And that kind of gaslighting is very detrimental for children, because it teaches them to dismiss their own perceptions and their own, their own impressions of reality, their own feelings. 9:21 And that's a very dangerous for a child, for and for teenager, it sets them up to all kinds of things, including exploitation. It's a dangerous thing. And it's something that people should be aware of. People are not overreacting. That's how people are actually that's a hypersensitivity. That's how they're perceiving things. So so Now I'm an adult. 9:42 I could wear what I want. It's not an issue, but I still have problems with lights. I have a lot of problems with sound, a lot of problems. I live on a very, very busy street. We have a business across the street. And for a time, people were leaving their vehicles running, including trucks, 9:57 all the time when they'd go into that business. And I went out and yelled at people. And it did not make me popular in my neighborhood, but I just couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand it. Traffic going back and forth, I got used to, but the idling, I couldn't stand it. People are better now. It works. 10:15 Eventually it works. And also I have noise canceling headphones and I do what I can. I mean, I always have white noise going, but I know I got that reputation in my neighborhood of like being a b***h, but it's not that. It's that it really is painful to people. It really is. And I also feel with hypersensitivities. 10:36 This is my own opinion. I have some intuitive abilities. I've had precognitive dreams. I've had a lot of experiences that I'm going to talk about in my memoir. I almost feel like that's an extension of the hypersensitivities. Hypersensitivities, the physical things, I feel like it extends into the energetic. I really do. 10:56 And hyposensitivity, that could be a tolerance to pain, for example. Even though I'm super hypersensitive, about certain things, I've got a fair pain tolerance. So it's kind of an interesting thing. So with hypersensitivity, I gave myself a 7. With hypo, I gave myself a 3. Pattern recognition, I gave myself a six because I'm not a genius. 11:20 I'm not spotting patterns nobody else could see. But I do tend to put things together. I'm not in a mastermind kind of way, but I put things together. I notice things. Part of it, I think, is detail, being detail oriented. Part of it is pattern recognition. I notice things that a lot of other people don't notice. 11:39 And that could come in very helpful for certain activities. It's good for like literary analysis. It's good with writing. It's good for spotting synchronicities. It's good for interpreting dreams. It's good for studying anything, but especially studying mythology. It has a lot of benefits. And for some people who are extremely intelligent, 11:59 that could give themselves a 10 in this, it can help make significant contributions to society. Pattern recognition, it's a big thing. Emotional intensity was another one I did. And I gave myself an eight on that. I'm not sure if that's really accurate anymore. I think that's probably part of sensitivity, general sensitivity. Meltdowns aren't simply emotional intensity, 12:23 but it's certainly emotional intensity plays a part. It's just trauma. Like a lot of people who are autistic have trauma histories. I mean, they may have been subject to exploitation. They may also have been bullied. They may have had experiences all through their life of being traumatized and just 12:42 being different is a little bit traumatic in and of itself. So I think trauma definitely can play a part in emotional intensity because if you get triggered with something, odds are you're going to feel intense. So in communication, which we talked about a little already, but I think that that is a big thing for me. 13:06 And it impacts relationships, it overlaps kids, therapy, friendships. life it's it's definitely impactful however I kind of feel like I personally don't want to be part of the negative kind of spin on autism because I I like my communication style I I write I express myself through writing or through one-sided 13:32 things like this podcast and I I my Receptive communication is different too. I receive information differently. I receive a lot of information through studying and reading, which there's an intuitive aspect and a pattern recognition aspect that comes into that. So it kind of all mixes up together. But I think I gave myself probably like, I closed it, 13:55 but I think I gave myself like a seven on communication because I don't necessarily feel... I don't necessarily feel that I'm terribly, terribly challenged in communication. I'm just different in communication. And I think that's true of all these things. You could flip all of them. And I feel like people, I like to see people do that more. 14:15 Because I feel... It's easy to feel bad about yourself and about your life. And it is difficult. I mean, I'm not saying it's not difficult. My life, I'm writing this memoir. If you read it, you'll see my life got pretty grim in a few spots. But I think we have to see that we're different for a reason. 14:37 And I think it's important difference. And I think there have been a lot of contributions made to society by autistic people. And one of the reasons for it is because of these different traits, these different ways of interacting with reality have a lot to do with that, in my opinion. 14:55 So, um, repetitive motor, I scored real low in that. I mean, I have a tiny bit of that, but I scored low in that. And also in echolalia, I scored low and the echolalia, like I gave myself a one. I probably maybe should have gave myself a zero, but then I thought I do have this repetition thing. 15:14 Like in writing, I have this thing in writing and One of many problems I have with writing, not problems, differences I have with writing that are autism-related, is it's very hard for me to refrain from saying something three times. If I say it twice, it's very hard for me to not say it three times. 15:36 Sometimes that's kind of poetic. Sometimes it's just stupid, but it's something I do. The other thing, executive function, I gave myself a seventh. But that, again, is related to the hyperfixations to a large degree. Because if you're writing 12 hours a day, you're not going to get a whole lot done. And if you can't, and also transitions. 15:58 I gave myself eight on that because it's very hard for me to stop an activity, a special interest activity, whether it's reading, whether it's media, whether it's writing. It's extraordinarily hard for me to stop. And I do. I'm much better than I used to be. 16:15 I mean, we have dinner at a different time every night, but we have dinner. And that's like huge for me. It's like a huge victory that I could stop and make dinner. And sometimes somebody has to come get me, but I can do it. And that's big for me. And it's very hard. 16:32 And that too can really interfere with your life. I mean, it can make you late. It can make you neglect things. it could just cause all kinds of problems really. But the thing is with this, is it a problem because we're a problem or is it because our society is set up 16:50 obviously for neurotypical people who function in neurotypical ways. So it's not, it's not geared towards, it's not geared towards autistic people. So there's always going to be that, that disconnect, that problem, that clash, that, way that things just don't quite align. That's why I don't like to think of it as deficits, 17:13 because I think part of it is just we're trying to fit into a paradigm that doesn't really suit us. And if we were the predominant neurotype, which who knows, maybe someday we will be. Some people think that. I don't know about that, but it's an interesting idea. And I think autism and autistic traits are valuable, 17:35 whether they're valuable as an evolution of consciousness, debatable, whether they're valuable as an outlier perspective that contributes greatly to society. I think Definitely, I think definitely that's true. And like all these things that people say that are negatives, they're not actually negatives, they're deviations from the norm. And the more we understand the specific characteristics, 18:02 and the walls we run into in dealing with, quote, normal society, the easier it is for us to reframe some of the stuff. And it's not really just about feeling good about yourself. It's about being the person you're meant to be like if you if you could see some of these 18:20 things like I see my hyper fixation as a strength does it mean I can't have a quote normal life with like a husband and a ordinary day job and yeah it does kind of mean that so does it cause me distress yeah it definitely does but I still see it 18:39 as a strength because I feel that's the person I was meant to be And I feel like we all need to do those things that we're put here to do. And I think that our traits and our characteristics are part of that. And I think it's good to look at them through that lens. 18:59 And that's what I try to do now. And I'll talk maybe a little more about that in the next episode. And I'll talk too about how you have to make accommodations and stuff like that too, I think in the next episode, but this is what I wanted to share for here. 19:13 And I will link to this blog post. It's called charting my autistic traits. I'll link to that in the description. You, you might like that. It's real visual. I made these, you can make these great charts with canvas. So of course I did. 19:28 And maybe do your own inventory of traits and look at them and see where you could flip those things and where you could see the advantages and the strengths in it. It doesn't mean you're not going to struggle. We're always going to struggle. It's just a given. But I think the key is that... 19:45 you want to understand why it's worth it i think that's important so that's it for this time i i hope you enjoyed the walk through my autistic traits and i will link to the blog post in the description and next time we'll talk more about 19:59 accommodations and and maybe a few more specifics on this topic so until then this is barbara graver of autistic pov and thank you very much for listening _________ Autistic POV theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
6 Jun 2025
4 Issues with the Telepathy Tapes Podcast
In this episode, I talk about 4 possible issues with the Telepathy Tapes podcast AND share a great resource for further reading. I hope I've offered a more nuanced look at the Telepathy Tapes podcast in this episode (which is the 3rd in what has become my Autism and Psychic Abilities series) than I did in my previous episodes! The resource I mentioned in the podcast is: SarahCook.substack.com/p/for-the-birds-radical-empathy (https://sarahcook.substack.com/p/for-the-birds-radical-empathy) This is an excellent article and a really good Substack to follow. You can also follow my Substack if you're so inclined at: BarbaraGraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/) If you like my content, please follow the podcast! _________ Autistic POV theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
17 May 2025
Autistic Traits and Psychic Ability
Is there a relationship between autistic traits and psychic ability? Join me for a discussion of how autistic traits like hyper-sensitivity, hyper-connectivity and pattern recognition might relate to psychic abilities. The blog post and autism trait charts I mentioned in the video can be found on my blog at: https://barbaragraver.substack.com/p/charting-my-autistic-traits (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/p/charting-my-autistic-traits) If you like my content, please follow the podcast! Visit my blog at Writing On The Spectrum (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/ (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/)) ________________ Theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
16 May 2025
Autism Traits, Psychic Ability & the Telepathy Tapes
Is there a relationship between autistic traits and psychic ability? Join me for a discussion of how autistic traits like hyper-sensitivity, hyper-connectivity and pattern recognition might relate to psychic abilities. The blog post and autism trait charts I mentioned in the video can be found on my blog at: Charting My Autistic Traits (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/p/charting-my-autistic-traits) Barbara Graver (https://substack.com/profile/73236228-barbara-graver) May 9 A Constellation of Traits | A Constellation of Traits | To me, the idea of a linear autism spectrum was always a little confusing. Recently however while talking about varying degrees of psychic ability in the autistic... Read full story (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/p/charting-my-autistic-traits) Thanks for reading Writing After Dark! This post is public so feel free to share it. Theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit barbaragraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)
2 May 2025
Autism and Psychic Experience
Is there a relationship between autism and psychic experience? A connection between autism and telepathy has been reported by the families of some nonverbal autistic people. As a late diagnosed autistic this interests me because intuition has been a guiding force in my life. Like all many areas of parapsychology, more research is needed, but I think it’s a topic worth discussing. In this episode I talk about my own person experience, what other people have to say, the idea of psychic ability as a spectrum trait and a bit about parapsychology (from what I have learned at the Rhine Institute). This is my first time talking about this topic, I’m going to be talking about it more in the next couple of podcasts! Resources for this episode include: Autism and the God Connection by William Stillman The Telepathy Tapes Podcast (https://thetelepathytapes.com/ (https://thetelepathytapes.com/)) The Rhine Institute (https://www.rhineonline.org/what-is-parapsychology) Dr. Diane Hennacy/Powell (https://drdianehennacy.com/telepathy/ (https://drdianehennacy.com/telepathy/)) Psychology Today article on the Telepathy Tapes by Jeff Tarant PhD (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/choosing-your-meditation-style/202503/science-skepticism-and-the-telepathy-tapes) (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/choosing-your-meditation-style/202503/science-skepticism-and-the-telepathy-tapes) Dr. Hennacy/Powell's Response to Jonathan Jarry (https://thetelepathytapes.com/dr-powell-defense (https://thetelepathytapes.com/dr-powell-defense)) Sharing Our Autism Story (https://www.autisticpov.com/e/sharing-our-autistic-story-ep-6/ (https://www.autisticpov.com/e/sharing-our-autistic-story-ep-6/)) If you like my content, please follow the podcast! Visit my blog at Writing On The Spectrum (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/ (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/)) ________________ Theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
1 May 2025
Autism, Psychic Experience & the Telepathy Tapes Podcast
Is there a relationship between autism and psychic experience? A connection between autism and telepathy has been reported by the families of some nonverbal autistic people. As a late-diagnosed autistic this interests me because intuition has been a guiding force in my life. Like all many areas of parapsychology, more research is needed, but I think it’s a topic worth discussing. In this episode I talk about my own person experience, what other people have to say, the idea of psychic ability as a spectrum trait and a bit about parapsychology (from what I have learned at the Rhine Institute). This is my first time talking about this topic, I’m going to be talking about it more in the next couple of podcasts! Resources for this episode include: * Autism and the God Connection by William Stillman * The Telepathy Tapes Podcast ( https://thetelepathytapes.com/ * The Rhine Institute (https://www.rhineonline.org/what-is-parapsychology) * Dr. Diane Hennacy/Powell (https://drdianehennacy.com/telepathy/ (https://drdianehennacy.com/telepathy/)) * Psychology Today article on the Telepathy Tapes by Jeff Tarant PhD (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/choosing-your-meditation-style/202503/science-skepticism-and-the-telepathy-tapes) (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/choosing-your-meditation-style/202503/science-skepticism-and-the-telepathy-tapes) * Dr. Hennacy/Powell's Response to Jonathan Jarry (https://thetelepathytapes.com/dr-powell-defense (https://thetelepathytapes.com/dr-powell-defense)) Theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit barbaragraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)
17 Apr 2025
Masking in Autism: A Pro and Con POV
How masking can be helpful at times. How it can hurt. My experience with autistic masking and unmasking. My new unmasking autism workbook. I am planning future episodes on the topic. Thank you for listening! If you like this content please follow and / or share! You can get all my media and articles for free via my newsletter: BarbaraGraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/) Post quoted in the article: "Why classic therapies don't work for autistic people? (https://larivierre.substack.com/p/why-classic-therapies-dont-work-for)" by Pascale Larivierre Workbook mentioned in the article "The Unmasking Workbook for Autistic Adults" by Jessica Penot, LPC-S ___________ Theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
4 Apr 2025
Dysregulation, Creativity & Special Interests
How does dysregulation impact creativity and our special interests? And what does this mean to autistic individuals (like me) who might already be struggling to identify their emotional states and stressors? In this episode, I discuss my own experience with dysregulation and creativity and share insights from autistic blogger and therapist Karen Sheriff (https://substack.com/karensheriff) and podcaster and neuropsychologist Dr. Theresa Regan (https://www.adultandgeriatricautism.com/podcast). The specific media resources mentioned in this episode are: The dichotomy of being an autistic creator (https://substack.com/@karensheriff/p-151065509) (Sheriff) Powerful Self-Care: Awareness of the Internal (https://www.adultandgeriatricautism.com/podcast/episode/223c5684/powerful-self-care-awareness-of-the-internal-ep-61) (Reagan) To read about the changes I made as a direct result of my dysregulation event please see What Writing on the Spectrum Means to Me (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/p/what-writing-on-the-spectrum-means) To get all of my media via email please subscribe to barbaragraver.substack.com (always free).______________ Theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
21 Mar 2025
7 Ways Fiction Writing Can Benefit Autistic People EP 7
In this episode of Autistic POV, I share 7 ways writing fiction has been helpful to me. Some of these benefits go all the way back to childhood. I discovered others as I wrote my upcoming vampire novel (Trancing Miranda). I wanted to share this info because I think that other autistic people might find this way of looking at storytelling helpful. Having said that, please note—these are my own personal perks. Not all autistic writers will have the same experience and I would love to hear any differences that might pop up on your list! Also, please note, these are interpersonal benefits that have nothing to do with building a business or making money. Check out my blog at barbaragraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/). You can read the blog without signing up for the free subscription, but if you subscribe, you'll get articles and media via email PLUS updates on my vampire novel (including discounts and freebies) If you like this content, please consider subscribing, liking, commenting or sharing—or all of the above! And thank you for listening!!! UPDATE: Regarding the blog name change. It seemed confusing to have the blog and podcast share a name, so I changed the blog name to Writing on the Spectrum! ______________________ Theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
7 Mar 2025
Sharing Our Autism Story
There is more than one way of sharing our autism story! In this episode of Autistic POV, I talk about my experience sharing my own story through memoir writing and online media—with a focus on what did and didn't work for me and why I also chat about my substack blog, my special interest blog and other resources. I promised to provide links these, so here they are: Metaphysical blog (special interest blog) MysticReview.com (https://www.mysticreview.com/) Substack blog (some special interest posts plus autism podcast episodes and articles) BarbaraGraver.substack.com (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/) My article Autism and the Narrative Process (barbaragraver.substack.com/p/autism-and-the-narrative-process (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/p/autism-and-the-narrative-process)) touches on Julie Brown's book Writers on the Spectrum. The book is more geared toward fiction, but I found it helpful. ________________ Theme music by the Caffeine Creek Band Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
22 Feb 2025
Job vs. Following My Calling: An Autistic Perspective
My experience with working a job vs. following my calling and how this relates to autism. As a late diagnosed autistic, I now feel that my original job choice was actually a form of masking that interfered with my ability to engage in my true calling. In this episode, I talk a bit about how that happened and why I think it's so important for autistic people to embrace their special interests, honor their true selves and follow their unique calling If you like this content please follow and / or share! _______________ Theme music by Caffeine Creek. Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
7 Feb 2025
First Autistic POV Reading Roundup (books by autistic authors) EP 4
In my first reading roundup I talk about a wonderful Sci-Fi series and three incredible memoirs. All of the books covered are written by autistic authors. The memoirs detail the lived experience of three amazing late-diagnosed autistic women. And the Sci-Fi series features an autistic protagonist central to the adventure. Just as interesting, in my opinion, the theme of finding our true autistic calling is central to each of these books. All of the books featured are available in ebook. They are: Xandri Corelel Series (https://amzn.to/4fNYWum) (affiliate link) by Kaia Sønderby : 0. Testing Pandora (https://amzn.to/3WZGtni), 1. Failure to Communicate (https://amzn.to/4fDZKSd), 2. Tone of Voice (https://amzn.to/3WZGtni) Drama Queen (https://amzn.to/4chWMQD) (affiliate link) by Sara Gibbs Label Me (https://amzn.to/4clFv90) (affiliate link) by Francesca Baird U Don't Seem Autistic (https://amzn.to/3AkvJqz) (affiliate link) by Kathleen Schubert If you like this content please follow and / or share! Episode 4 Transcript If your podcast provider cuts off the transcript, you can see the full transcript for this episode at AutisticPOV.com (https://www.autisticpov.com/) Closed captioning is available on the website or via the podbean app. 0:00 This is Barbara Graver of Autistic POV and today we're going to be talking about four books by autistic authors. Welcome to Autistic POV. My name is Barbara Graver and I started this podcast to share a bit of my journey as a late diagnosed autistic. Hi, this is Barbara Graver. 0:29 I'm so happy you could join me for my very first autistic POV reading roundup. So we're going to be talking about four different books, actually one series and three memoirs. And the reason I chose these books is because they all kind of center on a common theme. And 0:48 this is the theme I want to explore probably in our next episode, but I'm going to talk about the books in this one. The first one is a sci-fi series, and this series is written by Kaya Sounderby, and it's the Zandri Corello series. series, and it begins with a fantastic book called Failure to Communicate. 1:13 The second book I'm going to be talking about is Drama Queen, written by Sarah Gibbs, and this is an amazing memoir. It's my favorite autistic memoir I have read to date. It's fantastic. And then I'm going to talk about two other memoirs a little more briefly, primarily because they go along with the same theme, 1:32 and one is called You Don't Look Autistic, and you in this is spelled with a u, Actually, You Don't Seem Autistic is the name. And the last one is Label Me. So we're going to talk about all these books. And I'm going to try to explain why I like them and why I think they're, 1:50 they're all have a lot of value. And I do want to say with memoir, like I've heard people say, there's so many autism memoirs out there and that's true. There are, but I feel like all of them have value. Like every autistic memoir I read, 2:07 I resonate with or pick up on something different and I find them all helpful. They're helpful on multiple levels. I think they're helpful in terms of making you feel a little less alone. They're helpful in giving you insight. And they're helpful in terms of learning and support. I think they serve multiple purposes. And these books, 2:29 all of these books, and I just want you to kind of keep in mind as we talk about them, all deal with the importance of our calling. So the first series I wanted to talk about, the first book I want to talk about is the Zandri Corello series. And this is a sci-fi series. 2:49 It's set in just an amazing world. It's just a wonderful world. And the characters are great. And one of the things I loved about the world was the diversity of the world. And it shows... quote alien species as not all humanoids not they're not all guys in suits and i 3:08 understand why i i watch a lot of sci-fi and i read sci-fi and i like sci-fi and i understand why say star trek like all the quote aliens had to be able to be an actor in a suit and understand why the humanoid ideal is always or often represented in sci-fi, 3:29 and that every species encountered is a variation on the human ideal. But I really like the fact that this author, that Kara Sounderby, treated the various races throughout the galaxy as being capable of evolving from different types of life forms, different species. So there might be a species that's like dolphins. 3:56 There might be one that's very like various kinds of mammals. There might be others that are humanoid. And I thought this was a really cool way to present this. And the book was really, really well constructed. It was plotted out very well. It was suspenseful. The characters were engaging. The main character, Zandri, is autistic. 4:18 And I thought the author did a really good job of that, of portraying the challenges and the strengths of autism really well. And she is the heroine of the series. She's not a peripheral character. She's the heroine. And she has unique abilities to communicate, which seems kind of ironic, but really the way it's presented in the series, 4:41 it isn't, to communicate with different types of cultures and different languages and different kinds of people throughout the galaxy because of how she'd had to learn to do that as an autistic. And it's really well done. It's really suspenseful. It's a really great series that has three books. There's a kind of a prequel called Testing Pandora. 5:06 Then there's Failure to Communicate. And then there's Tone of Voice. That's book two. Testing Pandora is book zero. Failure to Communicate is book one. And Tona Voices book two, and I hope she writes book three, I really do. And I really liked the theme of this, of the autistic protagonist struggling, struggling with people, struggling with her past, 5:30 struggling with all kinds of things. But also finding her niche. She finds her niche in this. She finds her calling. And that's kind of a theme with all these books. And I think it's an important theme. And the second book I wanted to talk about is a memoir by Sarah Gibbs. 5:45 And that is called Drama Queen because that was something she was told all her life, that she was being dramatic. And that's a very common theme. charge, I think, that's leveled at autistics. It may come in various kind of deliveries, but it's a common thing that's said. And she focuses a lot, she focuses obviously on her childhood, 6:08 everyone talks about their childhood in these memoirs, but she also focuses a lot on her work life. And she does an excellent job of showing how she didn't fit in in the standard office 9 to 5 and why. And how other people treated her and how unfairly she was treated and what a double 6:28 standard really there was for people who were neurotypical and people who were autistic in general. And she was diagnosed relatively late in life, and I identified with a lot of what she said. Now, not everything. I never identify with everything people say in these memoirs, and I don't really think you should. 6:47 But I did identify with the fact that she was always making these fresh starts, and that was something I did really all my life. So she would just get overwhelmed and she would walk away from things like jobs and make a fresh start. And she was always making a fresh start. And I used to do that too. 7:07 I actually, I think between the ages of maybe 17 and 20, I didn't live anywhere. And by anywhere, I mean different states, different cities for more than six months. I just kept leaving and making these fresh starts that always failed. And she has the same mentality. She's like another fresh start. 7:30 And so I really, really identified with that. And another thing she talked about that I found really insightful is obsessiveness. And for her, a lot of her obsessions had to do with relationships. She would get very, very obsessed with either someone she was in a relationship with or someone she just had a crush on. 7:50 She even called it her crush monster. An interesting thing is she talked about how once she found out she was autistic, that kind of went away. And the reason it went away was because she understood that she was looking for something. She was looking for an answer in these partners, in these romantic partners. 8:13 She was trying to find an answer. she found that she was autistic. She had an answer for why life was so difficult for her, and she didn't need to do that anymore. And I thought that was brilliant. And I've kind of experienced that too. And I'll talk a little bit more about it. 8:29 Maybe we'll do an episode on spirituality at some point. But for me, my answer was not so much relationships, although I did some of that, but spirituality. I was always looking for an answer in terms of either organized religion or different specific spiritual practice. And I went through so many religions and so many spiritual practices. 8:53 I was like the perennial seeker. And I would go kind of from one thing to another. And not just when I found out I was autistic, but when I started to really think about it and integrate it and understand it. and kind of gain some perspective because of it, 9:11 that need to be immersing myself in different spiritual practices just kind of evaporated. It was really, really surprising. It just isn't really there anymore. And when I read that in Sarah Gibbs's book, I thought her crush monster for me, it was like crushes on spirituality more. The same thing kind of happened to me. 9:32 And I thought that's really interesting. So I'm kind of curious if anyone else has had that experience. And the other thing I really appreciated in Sarah Gibbs' book and Drama Queen was that she needed to find out what it is she did. And it turned out to be writing comedy. And the book is just brilliantly funny. 9:54 And I think that's a testament to how much this was her calling. And I feel personally that people with autism are probably more focused on calling and career than a lot of neurotypical people. I think it's oftentimes very central to who we are. At least it's central to who I am. 10:16 And trying to find my calling has been something that has kind of haunted me all my life. And I was always very creative in terms of writing and art, and yet I couldn't ever really find where I belonged. So I find it interesting that in all of these books, the fiction and the memoir, 10:36 that was also a big theme. And Sarah Gibbs could not function in an office environment, no matter how hard she tried. And yet when she began to explore comedy, which is a really challenging thing to be a comedian or to write comedy, is very competitive, I'm sure, and very challenging. I'm sure the bar is set very high. 10:59 as is the case with a lot of creative things, but I think particularly comedy, that's a tough pick. It's a really tough pick. And yet that was where she excelled. And I found that very interesting. And it just did me good to read the story of somebody who struggled, 11:16 kind of like I struggled when I worked as a nurse in an office environment. I was never, never part of the in-group. The office politics were kind of always skewed against me. And I'll talk more about that, I think, in another episode. But it's so difficult. And like Sarah says, it's not about doing your job. 11:38 She always did her job very well. It was about the social aspect of fitting in in the office. And that was my experience, too. And I think a lot of us have that experience. So I just love to see that she, quote, made it. 11:52 I love to see that she became a comedy writer and that she wrote this amazing book. It's just a good thing. to, uh, to know. So I love that. And then the two other books I just can mention briefly were You Don't Look Autistic, and that's you with the letter U, and Label Me. 12:13 And these were both books written by autistic women. And I really especially liked Label Me because I The author of Label Me, her autism presented a little bit differently. Francesca Bard, I believe her name was, or Baird. Her autism presented quite differently, I think, than mine does, but yet I could identify with parts of it. 12:34 And one of the things that she did was she got very attached to places. And I have that a little bit. And I think there's so many ways that we try to develop a sense of identity. And I think this is one way that we often do is by getting very attached to place. 12:51 And so I thought that was interesting. And with You Don't Look Autistic, which I believe that's Kathleen Schubert, but I'll put it in the show notes. She talked a lot about masking. And I think too, in both of these books, you don't look autistic and label me finding their calling, finding their, their place, 13:14 their calling in life was very important. And for, for Kathleen, it was, she got into integrative medicine. And she actually had problems because she was interviewed by a very unfriendly, kind of skeptical journalist and made to look very bad in the media at one point. But she didn't give up. 13:37 And that's what I think is so amazing about all these stories. One of the things... that nobody's giving up nobody's giving up no matter how hard it is no matter how much they don't fit in no matter how hard it is to find their place and to realize 13:52 their calling and to be seen and to be true to themselves and kind to themselves and overcome their challenges they don't stop trying and I think that's huge I think that's really huge And eventually all of these people learned to stop masking. And I think in Label Me, Francesca found a different sort of a calling. 14:19 Like she didn't find necessarily a creative calling, other creative aspects of her job having to do with finance that she was very good at. But she found a place that felt safe to her because her place was important. She found a steady job in a place that felt safe. 14:34 And she was able to do well there because of that. So it's a question, I think, of honoring ourselves and valuing what is important to us that is kind of the underlying key to all this. So I just wanted to kind of do the reading roundup of these books. Again, this is the Xandri Carrello series, 14:59 Drama Queen by Sarah Gibbs, and You Don't Look Autistic and Label Me. And I think a common theme in all of these, which I find really interesting, is calling, finding our calling. I'll put links to all these books in the show notes. They're definitely, definitely worth reading. 15:15 And I would sort of like to continue for the rest of August. I'd like to continue... really with two topics that these books kind of suggested to me. And the first is autism and career versus calling that I'd like to talk about. And I'll mostly be sharing my experience on this. 15:35 And the other one I would like to talk about is writing a memoir, issues around writing a memoir, because that's something I'd like to do And as I said before, even though people say there are a lot of autism memoirs out there, I think there's always room for more because I read them all the time. 15:55 I love them. I think they're so helpful. Some are better than others, but they all teach me something because they're a human story, a story of another autistic person's struggle. So I want to encourage myself to write a memoir, and I want to encourage other people to write a memoir. 16:14 So these are going to be the other two episodes I'm going to do in the month of August. And that's it for today. I hope you enjoyed my first reading roundup. And I also hope that you'll consider following the show or subscribing or liking it or whatever you feel called to do. 16:33 And I will see you again soon. And our next episode will be discussing career versus calling from an autistic perspective. And until then, this is Barbara Graver of Autistic POV. And thank you so much for listening. _______________ Please note: I may receive a small commission at no cost to you if you click on one of my affiliate links above. Theme music by Caffeine Creek. #autism #autismpodcast #autisticauthors Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
17 Jan 2025
Autism Diagnosis, Bipolar Misdiagnosis and Podcast Update
In this episode, I talk a bit about being misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder for 20 years, prior to getting my (correct autism diagnosis) and why I've switched gears with the podcast. The memoir I mentioned in the episode is Drama Queen (https://amzn.to/4chWMQD) (affiliate link) by Sara Gibbs. If you like this content, please follow and / or share! Episode 3 Transcript: If your podcast provider cuts off the transcript, you can read the full transcript by viewing this episode at AutisticPOV.com (https://www.autisticpov.com/). Closed captioning is available via the website or on the podbean app. (If your podcast provider cuts off the transcript, you can read the full transcript by viewing this episode at AutisticPOV.com (http://autisticpov.com).) 0:06 Welcome to Autistic POV. My name is Barbara Graver and I started this podcast to share a bit of my journey as a late diagnosed autistic. Hi everybody, this is Barbara Graver and I'd like to welcome you to the show. Today I wanted to talk a little bit about late diagnosis and particularly my late diagnosis and 0:32 And you may have noticed that I changed the intro to the show a little bit, and that was because I listened to my first couple episodes, and the first episode was kind of just me talking, and the second episode was more informational. And I thought it's nice to share information, 0:52 but that's not really what I had in mind when I started the podcast. What I had in mind was just sharing my experience, my point of view, hence the name. So I redid the intro to be a little more reflective of that. And I also changed my plans for this episode a little bit too. 1:15 Initially, I was going to present facts and some of my experience, but facts too. And I decided that you guys could get that anywhere. And what I would like to share is my experience. I've been reading a lot of autism memoir and books by autistic writers and one 1:40 thing that I find particularly helpful is when I resonate with something someone says and I never resonate with all of it because we're all different. We're all different people and different people have different issues and different talents and different abilities and different ways of looking at things. But there are commonalities. 2:00 And I think after a lifetime of feeling alienated and alone, when I read something by someone who we share a commonality, it's helpful to me. So that's where I'm going with the podcast. And I wanted to talk just a little bit today about my own diagnosis. I got diagnosed very late in life. 2:25 I grew up in the 60s and 70s when people didn't really even know what autism was and if there was any concept of it at all it was Hans Asperger and his work and the idea that mostly mostly boys were autistic or only boys were 2:45 autistic so there was nothing to fall back on and my parents I think like all parents of that era felt that the best thing they could do for their kid was to make sure you could function in society. And just like everybody else, no matter how hard that was, that really didn't matter. 3:06 They thought they were doing you a favor if they forced you to be able to function as seamlessly as possible in society. So there's a lot of pressure, a lot of pressure to do that. My mother used to make excuses for me. 3:23 She'd say things like I was the youngest kid in the class and I was an only child and these things were supposed to explain some of my problems, but they really didn't. And I got other explanations, too, that were not so positive. And, you know, 3:43 I was often told that I was selfish and uncaring and just like my father who may have been autistic. And I was made to feel very defective growing up. And I tried very, very hard to fit in. And I never really succeeded. And it's kind of funny looking back. I look back and I think, 4:06 grade school was horrible but I think in high school I was actually able to do it I was reading this really really good book by autistic writer and I'll link to it in the comments and she kept talking about her fresh starts like all her fresh starts 4:23 and that was what high school was for me and I turned myself inside out at a very high cost to fit in and quote be popular And it was kind of funny because I actually thought I fooled everyone. And now, looking back, I think popular girls, they get a pretty bad rap, and oftentimes it's deserved. 4:46 But I think looking back on my experience in high school, I think people felt sorry for me. And I think people were, some of the girls I hung out with were just plain gracious about And it wasn't necessarily that I fooled them, but I tried. And the effort, the Herculean effort to do that caused me, I think, 5:09 to have my first probably autistic burnout when I was still in high school. And that was really severe. And there were a lot of other problems that went with that. Maybe I could talk about that at some other time. But I can't say that I knew I was different because 5:25 because I didn't know when I was young that someone could be different. I thought I was just defective. I thought my difference was that I thought life was that hard for everyone. I thought I didn't try hard enough, and I just didn't really understand why things were so hard for me. I thought I was selfish, 5:43 and I thought I was lazy, and I thought I was all kinds of things, but it could have never occurred to me that I was autistic. But I was able to eventually get through college and have a career for a while, even though it was very difficult. 5:59 But I was able to do it for a period of about 13 years. And my self-esteem, I think, was so low because the thing that was hard for me was I knew I was reasonably bright, but yet I made all these terrible mistakes. And the only explanation for that was that I was just being a fool. 6:22 I was just foolish. I was just impulsive, and I was just so many bad things. And I got that feedback consistently probably throughout my life. And eventually I hit a wall. And I had been working as an RN for about 13 years, raising a single family, having meltdowns, like struggling, finding life really, really difficult. 6:51 And finally we had a family tragedy that happened that made life, went from extremely difficult to impossible. It was just impossible for me to cope with this tragedy. And I experienced what I guess would be severe autistic burnout at this point. It was almost like a breakdown. And I just couldn't cope anymore. 7:18 I could not do it anymore. My employer went out of business, and I was glad. I was glad he went out of business because I had to stop. And so I entered the mental health system at that point. And I was told I was bipolar. Like so many people are, I think nowadays. 7:37 And, um, I was put on medication for a time. I was on a lot of medication and it never helped. And I kept telling people it's not helping. And when you tell people that, um, what they tend to do is just put you on more medication. And this was in the early 2000s. 7:58 And autism in women still wasn't really well known at that point. So I don't necessarily blame anyone for that. But I do feel that somebody should have realized that I was not bipolar. And so I ended up on medication. I did go back to work as a nurse. And it was terrible. It was still terrible. 8:19 And I kept telling people the medication isn't helping for a period of about Almost 20 years I told people that, and they basically didn't listen to me. And finally a family member was diagnosed with autism, and as happens to so many people, I started reading about it because I wanted to understand what they were going through. 8:41 And as I read it, I identified with more and more things that I read. More and more things seemed to be oddly like me. And so I met, actually met with the psychologist who had identified, diagnosed the family member. And I said, you know, it's the funniest thing. 9:02 I'm reading this stuff, and I feel like it sounds like me. And I expected her to say, don't be silly. And I said, I wonder if I should have an evaluation. And instead of saying, don't be silly, she said, I think that might be a good idea. And I was really taken aback. 9:20 that this could be the issue, this was in 2022. And I had my evaluation, it took, well actually I think it was in 2021 when I spoke with her and it took a period of time to get all the ducks lined up with insurance and scheduling and all that stuff. But I had the evaluation. 9:41 It was a very good evaluation. It was very extensive. And I was given the diagnosis of autism. And she told me she didn't think I was bipolar at all. And I did have some other comorbidities, such as anxiety and mild depression, which I think anyone, well, I shouldn't say anyone, 10:01 but I think a lot of people who live their whole life as undiagnosed autistics will end up with anxiety and depression. I think it's very, very likely. So I got the diagnosis, and initially I was really excited to have it because I had been telling people for 20 years I didn't think I was bipolar, 10:23 and I had been telling people in particular 19 years, I guess, and I'd been telling people in particular quite, quite often for probably seven years prior to that. that something else was wrong. I kept saying something else is wrong, and one of the reasons I thought that was because of problems I was having with writing. 10:46 I was trying to write full-time at that point, and I considered myself talented as a writer, but yet I was still having these terrible, terrible problems with constructing plots and with staying on a storyline and the actual structuring of the story. And I knew there was a reason for that. 11:10 And I knew it had nothing to do with being bipolar. And that was one of the things that kind of moved me to keep telling people over and over again there's something else wrong. And I'll talk more about autism and how it has affected me in terms of my writing in another episode, 11:29 but that was part of what motivated me. And when I got the diagnosis, I was really excited. It was like, here's a new thing. It was like my new special interest. I'm reading about it. I'm learning about it. I'm talking about it incessantly. And people were not receptive to that at all. 11:46 I think it embarrassed people on my behalf somehow. And I am very, very reactive to any kind of shame or humiliation. So as soon as that happened, most people would just stop talking about it. But I stopped thinking about it. And I stopped reading about it. And I just kind of set it on the back burner. 12:07 Because this is kind of... Kind of a mechanism, a coping mechanism, I guess, on my life when I get negative feedback on something, I would just totally kind of carve it out of my personality or my life. And so I kind of did that. And so two years went by, and I really, 12:31 aside from my initial couple of months of learning about it and thinking about it, I didn't really do anything to process it at all until I ran into trouble with my writing. I didn't really try to understand why autism affected my writing particularly or what I might be able to do about it. 12:51 I just kind of went back to writing, and I completed a manuscript. And when I completed it... I was very happy to have finished something, and as it turned out, that story just basically failed kind of across the board. And that was very difficult for me, 13:08 but it served a purpose because it brought me back to looking again at autism and how it affected me and what that meant. And I don't even know if it's right to say how autism affects you because when you're autistic, that's who you are. You have a neurodivergent brain. 13:27 It's not like something you catch or something that happens to you. There is no you really separate from that. And at any rate my own unique neurobiology and what it meant and why it made it hard to construct the kind of fiction other people were constructing and so I came back to 13:49 that and I started blogging about it a little bit and I started talking about it and I started learning about it and I started to realize how much I had to process I really had to process a lot and I think that the work of doing that is worth sharing. 14:09 So I want to share that as I do this podcast. And I'm really just at the very beginning of it. The only thing I would say I've really... possibly began to process is the idea that I'm a vulnerable person. I am vulnerable. I'm not necessarily to blame completely in a vacuum for every mistake I've ever made. 14:34 I basically never really had anyone to help me. Even though I was involved with the mental health system for 20 years, I never really had anyone who actually helped me. And part of that was my own fault because I masked in a phenomenal way and I never let anyone help me I thought being helped 14:57 was a sign of weakness and I did did everything myself pretty much all my life so I can't necessarily blame blame other people for that although I do I do think that probably the mental health providers I saw had some responsibility to get things right but they didn't 15:19 And now I'm coming to it and I've got a lifetime of regrets and missed opportunities and mistakes and burnt bridges behind me. And it's, it's a lot to wrestle with. It really is. But just that one idea that it's not all my fault and that, I'm not to blame for everything. It's a good starting place. 15:46 So what I'm doing right now is I do see an autism therapist, and she's very good. She's helpful, although I've been seeing her for two years, and I'm just getting to the point where I'm starting to trust her. So there's that, and I'm starting to do free writing every morning, which is helping, and I'm reading memoirs, 16:05 and I'm going to talk about that more next time, what I'm reading and how that helps. And I just like to share it here. So that's why I redid the intro. I don't want to, like, try to set myself up as some kind of expert. 16:21 And I'm glad I did the episode on free writing because I wanted to learn about it. And I'm finding it helpful. And I hope other people are too. But that's not the tone of the podcast I want to have going forward. That's not my plan. So that's it for today. 16:38 I just wanted to share a little bit about what I'm looking at with the podcast. So you could decide as a listener if it's something you want to follow. I hope it is. But either way, I just want to put it out there. So the next show, I'm going to talk a little bit about what I'm reading, 16:58 I think, and how that's helping me, and a couple books I've read recently that I liked. And I guess that's it. So if you liked the episode, please consider following the show. If you think it's something someone you know might be interested in, please do share it. 17:15 And that's it for today, and I hope to see you next time. Until then, this is Barbara Graber of Autistic POV, and I hope to see you soon! ________________________ Please note, this episode includes amazon affiliate links. If you purchase through one of these links, I may receive a small commission at no cost to you. Theme music by Caffeine Creek Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
3 Jan 2025
An Autistic POV on the Benefits of Freewriting
An autistic perspective on freewriting and how it can help us improve creativity, explore identity, and even improve physical and emotional health. This episode was a bit of an experiment. While it was fun sharing information, future episodes will be more conversation and based mostly on my personal experience (as opposed to research). I wanted to share the following resources that I used to prep for this episode: Psychological Benefits of Free Writing (https://www.bolton.ac.uk/blogs/psychological-benefits-of-creative-writing). Therapeutic Journaling PDF (https://www.fammed.wisc.edu/files/webfm-uploads/documents/outreach/im/tool-therapeutic-journaling.pdf) I also referred to Expressive Writing by James W. Pennebaker and John Frank Evans. And Tony Attwood's book The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. Both should be available from your local library or elsewhere via interlibrary loan. If you like this content, please follow and / or share! Episode 2 Transcript: If your podcast provider cuts off the transcript, you can read the full transcript by viewing this episode at AutisticPOV.com (http://autisticpov.com). Closed captioning is available via the website or on the podbean app. 0:03 Welcome to Autistic POV. My name is Barbara Graver. I am a late diagnosed autistic, and I hope you'll join me as we talk about life, identity, and self-acceptance from an autistic point of view. Today, I wanted to talk about free writing. And free writing is to essentially just start writing and to keep writing. 0:29 And it's a stream of consciousness thing where you jot down whatever comes into your head. And one of the reasons I want to talk about this is because I'm doing it right now. And I've been toying with the idea of writing like an autism memoir for a long time, and it's very hard for me to do. 0:46 So I thought maybe the free writing would help. And I think it is. It's early days, but I think it is. So the main things I wanted to cover about free writing, I have three points I'd like to make about free writing. And I do have references for each of these. 1:01 Those will be in the show notes because this is a short podcast. I'm not going to be taking a real deep dive. So if you want to learn more, I'm going to give you the references that I used and hopefully they would answer 1:13 some of your questions or at least get you started on your own research if this resonates. So the first, the three topics I want to talk about are free writing and increased creativity. Free writing as a way to explore identity and and free writing and the potential for healing. 1:32 And you could do a whole podcast probably on each of these, but I just want to give a little bit of an overview. So increased creativity. There was a study that was published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology on free writing and creativity. I actually couldn't read the study because it was paywalled, 1:51 but I did find a website that talked about it. So that's what I'll be linking to in the description. But the gist of it is that the study showed that people who did free writing had increased innovation and creativity. And this is something that I think a lot of people already know. 2:09 I mean, there's the artist's way, there's various things about journaling and how it helps. But I think a lot of people haven't actually tried it. I mean, we know it'll probably work, but we don't really want to put the time in. And that's understandable. I mean, I kind of feel that way too. 2:26 So one of the things I've done is I've limited it to 20 minutes. I have a timer and I recommend, I love my timer. I have a timer that when you turn it, it's actually, I'm not sure how to describe this, but as you turn it, it's a colored timer. 2:43 It shows a colored wedge of how much time you have left. So every time you look at it, you could see that time going down. And it's very helpful. I find it very helpful. So one of the strategies is to just do a set amount of time. And with free writing, 2:59 a lot of times people think free writing is just writing whatever comes into your head. And it's not necessarily. You can pick a topic. Particularly if you're, and we'll discuss a couple different kinds of topics, but if you're dealing with a creative issue, you could start writing something about that, definitely. 3:18 Or, you know, you could write something unrelated and just see what kind of pops in. And autistic people tend to be very, very creative. But we also tend to have a lot of issues around creativity. And I'm going to talk about that, just that, in another episode. But I think if you're autistic, you're probably creative. 3:39 And if you're autistic and creative, you probably already know this. And we can get in a loop with our creativity. And there are a lot of negative things that could come in, like perfectionism and self-censoring and judging ourselves that can really get us all tangled up. Or at least that's been my experience with writing. 4:02 Been writing all my life, but I've never published anything. I've rarely even showed my writing to people. And so it's not surprising that we have reservations and feel conflicted. And I think that journaling can be a way to recover from this. It's a way that we can kind of regain our center with our creativity. 4:25 And if you've read The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, she was essentially in creative burnout when she started the process. So it helped her, and it's helped a lot of people. But also what I find with journaling, and I also use dreams this way, but just sticking with journaling, 4:44 is that I get ideas when I journal, even when I'm not journaling about my writing or about my work. And this is why with free writing, you can pick any topic or no topic. And whatever you pick, it's very likely that while you're doing it, because you're in kind of a flow state, 5:03 That something will just pop in. It's kind of like the way you get ideas when you're in the shower, except you're writing. So you just write it down. You just add it in. That's what I do. Like I'll be writing about an experience or I'll pick a topic. 5:17 of some kind and all of a sudden an idea pops in and I just include that, put a little asterisk by it and I come back to it. So that is one way and it is a proven way. It's evidence-based way to increase creativity and innovation and you do not have to write about your project. 5:34 You can write about whatever you want and you'll still get that effect. So that's the first one, increased creativity. That's the first benefit. The second one is that free writing can be a way to explore identity. You just write about anything, and it could be experience that pertains to identity, certainly. It could be your special interests. 5:56 A lot of us, we get our identity from our special interests. So this is something we can explore. One of my special interest going all the way back to childhood was vampires. I was always very interested in vampires and gothic fiction. And I could trace this all the way back, 6:13 like I grew up in the 60s and 70s, so I could trace this all the way back to the TV show Dark Shadows and the main character Angelique. And there were reasons why At that point in my life, I identified with this. 6:27 And through the free writing, I could see why grade school was very, very hard for me. And there was a reason why a powerful, beautiful, exotic witch like Angelique would appeal to me and why the whole world of Collinwood and stuff was kind of escaped from me. 6:46 So the same thing with books, like along that line, I always like gothic fiction. So this is a way that we shape our identity because oftentimes our special interests kind of become our identity. And this is something that happens with neurotypicals too. Somebody will be like their job, like they're a lawyer. That's who they are. 7:06 For us, it might be we have a certain interest and there's nothing wrong with that. Tony Atwood in his book on Asperger's, which I'll also link to, kind of like an old book, a little out of date, but still he makes some good points, I think. 7:21 And one thing he says about Asperger's, I always want to make that a B, is that identity is an issue. Identity is an issue for autistics. It just is. We don't have that strong sense of central coherence that neurotypicals have. So we spend a lot of our life 7:42 trying to figure out who we are and define who we are and feel secure in who we are. And it can be a really difficult journey. And this is another thing we should do a whole episode on, so I don't want to go too into it. But we can explore this through our writing. 7:58 We can explore what our identity is, how it was shaped, what we want our identity to be. And again, we don't have to necessarily set up. set out to talk about these topics. Like I was writing about an incident that happened to me in grade school, which I'll talk more about in our next point. 8:16 And I got a clear sense of how my identity formed from this. So that could be very helpful. But I think the main thing about free writing and identity is it's learning about who we are and how we became that person. And it can be about who we want to be and changes we want to make. 8:34 But I think it's more lends itself to actually discovering who we are. And we tend to think of ourselves as odd or weird or, you know, and sometimes we need to understand the process. Like, is it weird to be interested in vampires? Not so much now, but when I was younger, definitely. And yet, 8:55 when you see how that happened and why, it just goes a long way to kind of incorporating that and feeling good about it. So I think that's another great example great way that free writing can help us. And the third way is the potential for healing. And this is kind of what I'm doing now. 9:14 I got this book, Expressive Writing by, I think it's James Pennybaker. Again, I'll put a link to this in the show notes. But Pennybaker is an experimental psychologist. So it's kind of interesting he wrote this book because he doesn't work with clients or help people change their lives and stuff. 9:35 And yet he did this experiment that was exactly about that. And what he did is he had people write for 15 minutes, I think it was, I do 20, but 15 minutes on a difficult topic. It doesn't have to be major trauma. Like, I'm not even really sure it should be major trauma, but it could be. 9:54 But it could be something like, for me, like incidents of bullying I kind of focused on. And so you're writing about that for 15 minutes a day, and you might actually feel worse afterwards. But over the long run, he found, and this again is evidence-based study, 10:13 he found that people who did this for even 15 minutes four days in a row on a topic that they considered difficult or traumatic or dark or disturbing or whatever, had actually better health afterwards. These people went to the doctor less. And he did this study with college students. 10:35 So these were people who were really only going to the doctor because they had a cold or flu or respiratory infection. You know, they weren't really going to the doctor to have their blood pressure checked or things like this. So this was a clear measure of their health, and their health actually improved. 10:51 And there have been multiple studies since then that have supported this, that it has a benefit on people's immune system and on their psychological well-being and ultimately on their health. So there's, again, evidence-based reason why this can be helpful for you. And my experience, I had a really, 11:15 really hard time in grade school and in high school in a different way. But in grade school in particular, there was one incident in particular that I never told anyone about. Actually, probably several incidences I've never told anybody about. But this was like a really hurtful thing. 11:34 Like this is one of maybe three incidences, but it affected me. Even like in seventh grade, I remember all of seventh grade as being overcast. And I don't think it really was, but that was my mindset. I was depressed. This really threw me. So I've never told anyone about this. I don't even like to think about it. 11:55 I don't even like to admit that it happened. But I decided that's what I would start. I picked like one of the harder things. It's probably not on the trauma scale, the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me. But for whatever reason, constellation of reasons, it affected me quite a bit. 12:11 So it was essentially bullying, I would say. And I wrote about that. And as I did, I discovered, like I mentioned earlier, like why I got so fixated on Dark Shadows and Angelique and why this I'm still writing vampire fiction today. I still like it. If I find anything with vampires in it, I'll check it out. 12:34 Even if it's crappy, I'll check it out. And I love paranormal fiction. I read all kinds of fiction, but I especially like paranormal. So I understood this and I found this like very, very helpful. It helped me like kind of integrate this. And so to me, that's healing when you integrate something. It's healing. 12:55 So I think that whether I'll be physically healthier because of this, I don't know. But I kind of think if I keep doing it, I will be. I think there's a reason why the study that Pennebaker and others did turn out the way they did. I think this is a very healthy thing to do. 13:12 And I mean, there are cautions, like he even says in the book. And I'll link to the book, Expressive Writing, because... I think it's good to have a guide when you're doing this. Like, I wouldn't say just go ahead and do it. I would say at least read Pennebaker's book. 13:27 But he gives various cautions in it, which I think are good to know. But if it makes you feel really bad or really depressed, obviously you stop. I mean, that's like with any of this stuff, it's going to help maybe most people or the majority of people, but some people it's not going to help at all. 13:44 And some people it's even going to be detrimental. So you definitely want to use your own feelings as a guide to this. It's normal to feel a little bit down like immediately after, but if that sticks, if you don't come back up, if you don't feel like you're integrating things and feeling better, 14:02 then you probably want to avoid it. And again, with me, I started out with a situation that was damaging to me, but not the most traumatic thing I ever, that ever happened to me because I don't feel like I'm really want to go there right now. 14:18 So I would definitely say be cautious with it because it is a powerful tool that can help you with your creativity, And in defining your identity and accepting your identity, a lot of us have a certain identity, but we find it hard to accept because of feedback we get from other people. 14:38 And sometimes understanding how that formed and why helps us see this is kind of a natural thing. I see how this happened. Could be just your nature, certainly. But there could be things that have either made you that person or made you feel conflicted about being that person. 14:56 So identifying this stuff, it really does kind of neutralize it. It helps to neutralize it. So these are my three topics on free writing. There's certainly a lot more to say about free writing, and maybe we could revisit it at some point. I mean, I'm just starting with it. 15:14 But again, the three things are increasing creativity, and this is evidence-based exploring identity. I couldn't really find a study on this, but I know it's helpful for me personally, and the potential for healing. So I will include the resources for this in in the show notes. And I hope that this could be helpful for you. 15:37 Try it, but be aware that it does have the potential to be triggering. So if that happens, back away from it. Talk to somebody if you need to, certainly. But I think for most people it's a good tool. So that's it for today, and I hope to see you next time. 15:52 Please consider following the show if you're interested in this content. And definitely, if you like it and you know someone who might benefit from it or be interested, please, please feel free to share. That's the best thing you could do for anyone who does this stuff is to share their material. But only if you think someone's interested. 16:12 So I will see you guys next time. And until then, this is Barbara Graver. And thank you for listening! ___________________ Theme music by Caffeine Creek Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)
20 Dec 2024
Autistic POV Intro, My Autism Diagnosis & Caveats
A bit about my autism diagnosis and my plans for my podcast, Autistic POV. I hope you'll check back and, if you're able, please consider following the show. This episode includes a few important caveats for the show, including my target audience. I'm planning on airing new episodes about twice a month. I do hope you'll check back! #autism #late-diagnosis If you like this content, please follow and / or share! Episode 1 Transcript: If your podcast provider cuts off the transcript, you can read the full transcript by viewing this episode at AutisticPOV.com (http://autisticpov.com). Closed captioning is available via the website or on the podbean app. 0:03 Welcome to Autistic POV. My name is Barbara Graver. I am a late diagnosed autistic and I hope you'll join me as we talk about life, identity, and self-acceptance from an autistic point of view. 0:18 Hi everybody, this is Barbara Graver and today I'd just like to share a little bit about what I'll be doing on the podcast and what I have planned going forward. And this is kind of hard for me a little bit because it's my first time really talking about autism in public. 0:39 And it's funny because I could talk about a lot of things online and have--personal spiritual experience, my work, my feelings, you know, personal stuff. But I've never really talked about this. So it's new. It's a little bit threatening, but I'm going to go ahead and try it. 0:58 So, part of the reason I think it's a challenge for me is because I wasn't diagnosed until 2022, which means that I've been kind of trying to fit into a world that I could never be totally comfortable with for decades. And it was a lot to process. 1:18 It kind of cast my whole history and experience in a new light. And it took me a while to To sort of get a handle on that, I mean, honestly, I wouldn't say that I have necessarily got a handle on it, but I think I've made progress. 1:36 So I got diagnosed in April of 2022, and now it's two years later, and it just so happened that Some of the issues I've been having lately with my writing kind of peaked and I thought, kind of like Joanna Penn says, maybe I should create the kind of content I need to hear. 1:57 So I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder one. I was diagnosed by psychologists and autism spectrum disorder one is what used to be called Asperger's and to me it's sort of like the walking wounded version of autism people can function in society 2:17 more or less but there's cost to that or at least there has been for me there's been a cost and that cost has actually been pretty high I would say across the board but I do have mixed feelings about honestly about about talking about the challenges of autism. And part of the reason for this, I think, 2:39 is because I've known people, known a couple moms who've had nonverbal autistic children. So sharing that same diagnosis is weird to me. I wish they'd kept Asperger's, honestly, but they didn't. So this is the terminology we have. And I'm going to use it with the understanding that most of the stuff I talk about 2:59 in this podcast is probably going to be pretty autism spectrum disorder one specific, because that's what I know. And even within that demographic, I know there are a lot of differences in the way people process things. So I don't know if what I say is going to make sense to you necessarily, but 3:19 But I think that's always the way. And I think all we can really do is try. So I guess those are my caveats. But for me personally, my initial evaluation for autism was really comprehensive. And there was a lot of cognitive. I received a lot of cognitive information as part of that. 3:42 And I know not everybody can do the evaluation, but I think for anyone who can, it's worth it because a good evaluation will give you a wealth of information about your mind and the way you think. It's not just about checking the autism box. It's about everything else you learn. And, you know, 4:01 one of the things I learned was that there was a cognitive split, which is not uncommon with autism. And I think that's part of the reason why I find constructing novels and staying in my lane genre-wise kind of a challenge. but there's a lot more I want to learn about this and share. 4:20 I don't, this is just the introduction. I don't want to try to go into everything, but, but there are a lot of issues and they're different for different people. Also, there are a lot of really good resources out there and I'd like to share some of them. 4:34 And I think doing the podcast to kind of keep me a little bit on track with that. As far as the format for the show goes, um, Interviews are hard for me. I've been active online for a while. I have a kind of successful blog, mysticreview.com (http://mysticreview.com), and I've done a lot of media around that. 4:54 And I can do both sides of interview if I have to, but I do find it stressful. So I'm presently undecided about the interviews. I do definitely want to share information, but this might be in the form of a review or a resource or a topic or aspect of my own experience. But we'll see. 5:16 I'm not closing the door to interviews. I'm just saying that I'm not sure. And it's kind of like to me when I undertook the journey of to understand the psychic dreams and psychic experiences I was having all the way back in 2010. When I chose to undertake that journey, I felt very isolated and very alone. 5:40 And that's when I started the Mystic Review because I wanted to take other people with me. I wanted to share that with other people. And I did. So that's it. That's my intro. So please consider following the show if you're interested in this kind of content and checking back. And I hope to see you next time 6:02 And so until then, this is Barbara Graver, and I hope to catch up with you again soon! _______________ Theme music by Caffeine Creek Get full access to Writing After Dark at barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe (https://barbaragraver.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)

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Autistic POV

About Autistic POV

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