cuffed

About cuffed

why do men pull away, break trust, or struggle with intimacy? the cuffed podcast decodes male behavior through honest, unfiltered examinations of dating, relationships, emotional availability, trust, and the uncomfortable truths behind the way we love, hurt, and connect. one man. one mic. one take. two musings. twenty minutes. no scripts. no guests. no performance. www.cuffedmedia.com (https://www.cuffedmedia.com?utm_medium=podcast)

Publisher

male behavior, decoded by author.

Category

education · society & culture

Language

en

Explicit

Yes

First episode

17 Jul 2025

Latest episode

5 Nov 2026

Latest episodes

52 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   5 Nov 2026

   we were fifteen years apart. i already had kids. | episode no. 51

   do age-gap relationships (https://gocuffed.com/m151ep51) work when one person has already built a family and the other still wants to build one? in episode 51, author talks about a relationship with a fifteen-year age gap and what it took to talk honestly about having kids again. then a friend asks for something in bed (https://gocuffed.com/rrse6ep51) she’d never felt comfortable bringing up before. this episode contains explicit discussion of sex and consensual bondage. episode overview: after his marriage ended, author widened his dating filters and questioned what he thought he knew about his type. the relationship that made him reconsider those assumptions also forced him to say where he stood on having more kids (https://gocuffed.com/m151ep51). in the second half, a conversation about light bondage (https://gocuffed.com/rrse6ep51) starts with a friend asking whether he’s ever tried it. what stays with him is what she tells him afterward about why she’d never felt comfortable asking before. quick hits: - let people show you over time whether your lives fit together. - if you already know where you stand on having kids, say it. if you’re unsure, say that too. - “we’ll see when we get there” can leave someone planning a future you already know you don’t want. - other people can have opinions about your age gap. the two of you still have to decide what you want. - she told him she’d expected to be judged for what she wanted. that fear is part of what made asking matter. community update: what’s one question you wish you’d asked earlier in a relationship? leave it in the comments. if you have a question for the friday red room q&a, leave that there too. book and series news: earned is available now. if you’re reading alongside this episode, the head start directive goes further into the question of having children with a partner who already has them. musing no. 152 | i told the truth. they still don’t believe me (https://gocuffed.com/m152ep51). was also released this week. read the pieces: - musing no. 151 | do age-gap relationships work? we were fifteen years apart. (https://gocuffed.com/m151ep51) — free to read. on dating beyond your type, being at different stages of life, and having the conversation about kids early. - red room special edition no. 6 | she trusted me enough to ask (https://gocuffed.com/rrse6ep51) — free subscribers can use one of their two monthly reads. on desire, fear of judgment, and what she said after asking for something she’d never brought up before. deep dive: the first story turns on a conversation about kids. author had already built a family and still had doubts about doing it again. he told her he was willing to reopen that part of his life if they got there. being clear about what he could consider gave her something real to weigh against what she wanted for herself. in the second story, his friend was the one who brought up light bondage. author had been on the receiving end before, so he could relate to what she told him about wanting to hand over control after a demanding week. afterward, she told him how long she’d worried that saying what she wanted would change how a man looked at her. coming up next: episode no. 52 drops next thursday at 6:06 a.m. et. the red room podcast drops fridays at 11:11 a.m. et. where to find cuffed: read → ⁠⁠⁠cuffedmedia.com (https://gocuffed.com/start) books → cuffedmedia.com/p/book (https://gocuffed.com/bookspod)s shop →⁠⁠⁠ shop.cuffedmedia.com (https://gocuffed.com/shop) red room → ⁠⁠⁠gocuffed.com/rd (https://gocuffed.com/rr.19socials) pinterest → ⁠⁠⁠follow us (https://gocuffed.com/pinterest) stream the music → spotify (https://gocuffed.com/spotify) + apple music (https://gocuffed.com/applemusic) — keep the conversation going if someone came to mind while you were listening, send them this episode. if this show has earned it, leave a rating on apple podcasts. and if you write a review, tell someone what made you keep listening. hold the standard. stay close. — author this isn’t the only thing we made. subscribe (https://gocuffed.com/podsub) · books (https://gocuffed.com/m.124ep.36) · music (https://gocuffed.com/podmusicpg) · coaching (https://gocuffed.com/podcoachpg) · shop (https://gocuffed.com/shoppod) transcript: lightly edited for readability. the transcript starts with the first recorded segment. segment one | do age-gap relationships work? the first musing of this episode is musing number 151. the title is “do age-gap relationships work?” we were fifteen years apart. head down to the show notes and click through to read it. better yet, subscribe on the website and you’ll get all of the musings free in your inbox. so go do it. anyway. when my marriage failed and i made the decision to start dating again, there was one huge promise i made with myself. i had real questions about whether i knew what my type was, because my marriage had just failed. so i had doubts about whether i really knew what i was looking for. the other thing is, i had grown a lot. i prided myself on personal growth and learning. so when my marriage ended, i wasn’t the same person i was when it started. i knew that. with that said, when i went into the dating scene, i told myself: i’m looking for my person. i don’t give a fuck how old they are. i don’t give a fuck what they look like. if we’re aligned, i’m in. so when i set up the dating apps and all of that, i left the filters very broad. i think at the time i was in my mid to late thirties. at the bottom end of the age range i think i said 25 or something. and i even went older than me. and so i figured i would date, see how aligned i was with the person, and let that drive the relationship. i wasn’t going to get hung up on some fucking numbers. they’re just fucking numbers to me. and by the way, somebody else’s relationship doesn’t involve me at all. i don’t give a fuck how old two people are. if they are happy and they are aligned, to me, that’s all that matters. i don’t understand the idea of people providing commentary on someone else’s relationship because there’s ten years apart or whatever it is. so i dated. i let the person ultimately show me whether we were aligned or not. i’m super proud of myself and super happy with how it turned out, because i will admit it: i dated some people who were hardly my type, hardly, and i ended up having wonderful, wonderful experiences. now, in the long term, not all of the relationships worked out. but i left every one of them having learned something. good and bad. there were some instances where i did date younger women in their twenties who acted like they were twenty. but i also dated some women in their mid to late twenties who were very mature. so it’s very dependent person by person. that is why i wanted to date and let the person show me, over time, whether we were aligned or not. at the end of the day, the thing that is most important to me, especially now in my forties, is alignment. that’s what matters. going into the relationships, i will admit, i had a physical type. i did. a certain height, because i’m a tall man. i’m basically six foot four. i was historically attracted to tall women. five foot eight, five foot nine, five foot ten. and i found out over time that was a huge limiting factor for me, because the woman i ended up with was hardly my type. she was substantially shorter. different hair color, whatever. she was substantially different from everyone else i had dated. but had i kept a closed mind, allowed the age gap to essentially drive whether i was even willing to date the person or get to know the person, that would have been extraordinarily disappointing. very disappointing. now, let’s talk about what happens when there is an age gap, because the fear for a lot of people is that you are going to be at different stages of your life. that is going to be true. there is no way around that. for example, coming into a relationship, i had already built a family, i had already built multiple companies, i had already built a career. i had already built a lot of things that a younger person hadn’t. that isn’t the question. to me, the question in an age-gap relationship is: although you’ve built that life, if you love the person in front of you enough, would you relive portions of the life you’ve already lived with that person? especially for men. i know i was somewhat terrified of having to relive portions of my life. for example, i’m still not 100% certain that i would ever want to have another family with another person. but here’s what i can also honestly say. if i found someone i was absolutely madly in love with, how could i dictate what our future … This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.cuffedmedia.com/subscribe (https://www.cuffedmedia.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2)

2. 

   29 Oct 2026

   i cheated instead of telling her i was done. | episode no. 50

   why did you cheat? “i was drunk” tells me the circumstances. “she came on to me” tells me what someone else did. neither tells me what allowed you to betray the person you were with. in episode no. 50, author talks about infidelity from both sides: being cheated on and being the person who cheated (https://gocuffed.com/m149ep50). cowardice. insecurity. the need for attention. the answers that are harder to admit—and why naming them is only the beginning. then, a red room special edition (https://gocuffed.com/rrse4ep50): a bad day, plans he would once have canceled, and a woman who could see he wasn’t fine. one man. one mic. one take. episode overview: i’ve been cheated on. i’ve cheated. i don’t like admitting the second one at all. this episode starts with the conversation i avoided at the end of my marriage—and the harm i caused by looking for another relationship instead of honestly ending the one i was in. then we move into something more recent. a night when i wanted to shut down, showed up anyway, and told someone what was actually going on. i can explain what i should have done differently. the harder question is whether i do anything differently now. episode no. 50. two musings. twenty minutes. quick hits: - why “i was drunk” and “they came on to me” don’t explain what allowed the betrayal - being emotionally checked out doesn’t excuse keeping someone in a relationship you’ve already left - cowardice, insecurity, and the search for validation - why an honest explanation is a starting point, not a guarantee of another chance - clarity can hurt and still be the kinder choice - red room special edition no. 4: the night i didn’t cancel - letting someone see that i was sad instead of saying “i’m fine” - a private space at a bookstore—and an unexpected turn - whether i’ve changed or just become better at narrating the work - how keeping everything inside prevents other people from getting close community update: the red room podcast now has its own subscription on apple podcasts. each week, i answer your questions about my relationships, my mistakes, and the work i’m still doing. unscripted. one take. there are two ways in: audio-only access to the weekly episodes and full audio archive. $4.99 monthly / $49.99 annually. the red room podcast plus the paid writing, including directives and special editions. $9 monthly / $90 annually. if you’re already a full red room member, the podcast is included. you don’t need to purchase both. free subscribers can now read two paid posts each month, too. that gives you a way to explore the red room writing before deciding whether you want ongoing access. book/series news: the architecture of control, trust, self, and intimacy are available at cuffedmedia.com, with ebook editions also available on kindle + in the shop. the audiobook edition of earned is in progress, with a november 21 release target. looking ahead to 2027: the architecture of desire, the architecture of conflict, and the architecture of man. desire is planned to begin in mid-january. musings recap: musing no. 149 | i’ve been cheated on. i’ve cheated (https://gocuffed.com/m149ep50). i’ve been on both sides of cheating. this piece examines what an honest answer to “why” requires: naming the part of yourself that allowed you to cross the line. for me, that meant admitting cowardice and examining the insecurity behind wanting to know whether other women still wanted me. understanding those things doesn’t erase the harm. it gives me something specific to take responsibility for. red room special edition no. 4 | the silence i earned (https://gocuffed.com/rrse4ep50). a cold, dreary day. work going badly. a painful silence i was struggling to sit with. i had plans with someone i love spending time with. in the past, i would have canceled so nobody could ask what was wrong. this time, i went. when she asked, i told her. what followed at my friend’s bookstore was memorable for several reasons. but the part that matters most to me is that i let someone see me having a hard day. free subscribers can use one of their two monthly paid-post reads to access this special edition. deep dive: after cheating, “why” can become the question everything hangs on. but there’s a difference between describing the situation and examining yourself. “i was drunk.” “she came on to me.” “i made a mistake.” those statements don’t explain what allowed you to betray someone. the more difficult answer might involve insecurity, a need for validation, or being unwilling to end a relationship you no longer wanted. at the end of my marriage, i was emotionally gone. instead of having the conversation, i went looking for other relationships. i was a coward. that’s uncomfortable to say. it should be. explaining the avoidance i grew up around doesn’t change what i did or make someone else responsible for it. the respectful choice would have been to sit her down, tell her where i stood, and let her make decisions with the truth in front of her. clarity would have hurt. the betrayal hurt her, too. the second piece brings that question of honesty into a different situation. i was having a bad day. i’d reached out to someone and received no response. it hurt, and my familiar instinct was to stay home and deal with it alone. instead, i kept my plans. when the woman i was meeting asked what was wrong, i told her i was sad. we talked for an hour. the night took an unexpected turn in a private space at my friend’s bookstore. but before any of that happened, i had already done something i once struggled to do: i showed up and let another person know what was happening inside me. that’s the question connecting these pieces. have i changed? i can’t answer that just by explaining my past more convincingly. i have to look at how i behave when telling the truth still feels difficult. new this week / coming up next: musing no. 150 was published yesterday. i don’t know if i’ve changed. i’ve gotten better at explaining accountability, trust, and emotional regulation. but can i see the difference in how i actually behave? a moment with my daughter gave me something to consider. read it: next: musing no. 151, on age-gap relationships. where age matters. where life stage matters. and why alignment deserves more attention than the number. transcript: the first musing we’re covering this episode is musing number 149. it’s titled “i’ve been cheated on. i’ve cheated.” head down to the show notes, click through, go over to cuffedmedia.com and read it. this is obviously not something that’s easy for me to talk about. i have been on both sides of this. i’ve been cheated on. and i’ve cheated. i don’t like admitting the second one at all. but it is what it is. the thing i’ve come to learn about cheating, given i’ve been on both sides of this: to the person who was cheated on, i think the thing most of us want to know is why, especially if the person who cheated wants the relationship to move forward. the why never really solves anything if the person is not willing to really examine what went on. and when i say what went on, the idea that someone just says, “oh, i was drunk.” “oh, i was in this situation and he or she came on to me.” those aren’t what we’re looking for. those are superficial at best. what has to happen, for there to even be a remote possibility of the relationship moving forward, is that person really has to open up and rip themselves open, so to say. and tell you what part of them allowed this to happen. and i’m not just saying, “it was nice to have the attention.” okay, that’s a start. that’s better than “i made a mistake.” everyone makes mistakes. that doesn’t tell us what allowed you to cross that line and betray the other person. so what would that actually look like? i’m going to walk you through exactly what i ended up saying, but it took me a while, and i wish it didn’t take me so long to finally admit what was going on inside of me. because there are—i don’t want to say always—there are those rare situations where someone does end up in a really fucked up situation and they end up making a really fucked up decision. as i like to tell my kids, if you take good people and you put them in a bad situation with bad people, bad things can happen. yes, that’s true. but there is normally something going on deep down inside that needs to come to the surface and get exposed to the sunlight. that needs to happen in order for anything to remotely move forward. so at the end of my marriage, i was checked out for years. i mean, i was emotionally gone. and instead of being the man that i have become now, instead of having that difficult conversation, i strayed. i betrayed someone. i hurt someone badly. the reason was because i was a coward. i have no problem admitting that now. i was a coward, as i have said in past cuffed podcast episodes and on cuffedmedia.com. i was an avoidant. that was modeled for me my entire life. that’s how i saw the men in my life operate. so that’s what i did. and instead of respecting the other person, and sitting them down and saying, “i’m done with this relationship,” and giving them the clarity and the respect that they deserve, i basically went into other relationships. and i’m tremendously disappointed with how i behaved. when i think about this now, i can’t even fucking believe that i did this shit. instead of sitting down the person i was in the relationship with and having an honest conversation, i thought—or maybe i didn’t think at all. i literally cheated. i went looking for relationships while i was still in a relationship with someone else. that is not lost on me, how tremendously cruel that is. what is kind, in that situation, is to sit them down and tell them exactly where you stand inside that relationship. and end it. sometimes kindness is clarity. i would actually argue clarity is kindness. in the moment it might not feel like that, because a lot of times clarity stings. it hurts. when you provide someone clarity, you’re giving them something to start to move on from. again, yes, in the moment they’re going to be upset. they’re going to be sad. they’re going to be angry. but in the longer run, it is kindness, because it does allow finality and it does allow them to move forward. let’s explore a couple of other reasons before we move into the next segment. there have been times, in a very long-term relationship, where you start to wonder, and i know i have: do i still have it? do other women want me? do they still find me attractive? and when i was in that relationship, i found myself looking for that validation. if i’m not in this relationship, can i find another relationship? do women find me attractive? do they want to be in a relationship with me? will they sleep with me? that’s insecurity. so now we’ve covered cowardice and insecurity. there’s also the men, and i’m sure this applies to both sexes to some degree, who simply love the attention. and they just love the attention. in order for any relationship to move forward from cheating, i believe that person needs to give the why. and again, i hope, as we established, the why isn’t “she came on to me,” “he came on to me,” “i was drunk.” no, that’s the tip of the iceberg. we need to get to the bottom of it. it needs to be: “i’m wildly insecure and i was looking for validation.” “i don’t want to be in this relationship, but i was a coward. i couldn’t tell you that.” once that happens, now we’re starting to finally address why it actually happened. that is musing 149. we are now going to move on to red room special edition number four. i will warn you that in order to read this piece on cuffedmedia.com, which you should totally go down to the show notes, click through and read, you will have to become a free subscriber. but that will be great, because then you will get all of the musings free to your inbox, and you will also get the podcast episodes delivered to your inbox as well. if you want more of the personal stories and the conversations, your questions opened up, that’s what the red room podcast is for. it’s included with the paid subscription at cuffedmedia.com. you can also now subscribe to it through apple podcasts as a standalone subscription audio show. the reason this fits nicely with musing 149 is that it has to do with what my life looks like now, that i’m actually willing to show up and open up. i had one of those days where it just feels like anything that could go wrong went wrong. it was a cold, dreary, overcast day, and everything at work was kind of not going well. and i was just feeling down. you know when you have one of those days. and as i had written about, i recently entered into a friends-with-benefits arrangement with a woman that i truly love spending time with. we read, we write together. we had plans that friday. it was on a friday, and we had plans later to go to my buddy’s bookstore, which has this cool amphitheater in the back and has a bar in there. it has a cafe, a bookstore. it’s an amazing place. i would normally, in the past, have canceled, because i was dumb. i would have canceled because then nobody could have looked at me and said, “hey, what’s wrong? what’s going on?” i didn’t do that this time. i didn’t allow myself to cancel, hunker down at home, and just be by myself. i made myself go. and man, am i glad that i did. i showed up. i got there earlier, and when she showed up, she took one look at me. she knew something was wrong. and she asked. she literally said to me, “i don’t know who this person is sitting in front of me, but something is going on.” for the first time, i told her that i was sad. i was upset. i had just reached out to dab, and got silenced. and it hurt. it did hurt. i can admit that now, it really hurt. and i told her. she follows the work at cuffedmedia.com. she knows that it happened. and so we talked about it. for an hour. which is maybe the first time in my life that i sat there and just talked about how someone, after what we shared, could just not respond. i wouldn’t do that. i would at least have said, “appreciate the apology, appreciate the invitation, but no thanks. have a good life.” there’s kindness and clarity, like what we talked about in the last segment. so i talked, and i felt so much better after talking to her about it. i told her, i’m like, “i never did this before.” i would just bottle it up and try to work through it internally. she laughed. she said, “how’s that worked out for you?” i said, “i think you’ve read enough of my work to know how that’s turned out for me.” she looks at me. and she says, “i’m going to have to take your mind off of it.” and i could see the smile, the shit-eating grin on her face. she says, “i’m gonna fuck your brains out here.” i was like, okay. my buddy’s place is set up in an interesting way. it has this private area that has seating in it, and some storage. the way the lighting hits in the evening, the windows almost look like one-way glass, where you can see out from the space, but you can’t look in. and it’s a private space. you can’t get in there unless you have the code, and very few people have the code. she initiates. before i know it, i have her pressed up against the glass, looking out into the main room, fucking her doggy style, watching all of these people move around this bookstore. it was one of the most amazing experiences that i’ve had. and yes, partially because i ended up fucking her up against the glass in my buddy’s bookstore. but that’s only part of it. what really made it special was how caring she seemed to be that i was having a very hard day. what was most important to me is that i showed up. i didn’t cancel the plans. i didn’t say, “something came up, i can’t make it,” and i didn’t just stay home by myself. more importantly, when another person asked me what was going on, i didn’t just say, “i’m fine,” when the other person clearly can see that you’re not fine. and yes, the fact that afterwards we ended up fucking in the middle of a place looking out was incredible. but i’m often wondering how much of the work i have done has become a part of me, or if i’ve just become a better narrator of things that i should do or could do or would do. and that’s the whole thing. and when i think of both of these musings together, it’s holding yourself accountable. it’s showing up. it’s saying “i’ve had a bad day” when you’ve had a bad day. i know now that keeping everything inside not only hurts me, but doesn’t allow other people to get close, doesn’t allow them in. and i’m much happier with the way things are working out, with how i’m behaving now, how i’m acting, how i’m showing up, how i’m treating other people. the pieces we talked about are linked in the episode notes. you can read them and subscribe for free at cuffedmedia.com. if this conversation gave you something, follow the podcast and send this episode to someone you’d want to talk about it with. that’s the episode for this week. hold the standard. stay close. where to find cuffed: read → ⁠⁠⁠cuffedmedia.com (https://gocuffed.com/start) books → cuffedmedia.com/p/book (https://gocuffed.com/bookspod)s shop →⁠⁠⁠ shop.cuffedmedia.com (https://gocuffed.com/shop) red room → ⁠⁠⁠gocuffed.com/rd (https://gocuffed.com/rr.19socials) pinterest → ⁠⁠⁠follow us (https://gocuffed.com/pinterest) stream the music → spotify (https://gocuffed.com/spotify) + apple music (https://gocuffed.com/applemusic) — keep the conversation going if someone came to mind while you were listening, send them this episode. if this show has earned it, leave a rating on apple podcasts. and if you write a review, tell someone what made you keep listening. hold the standard. stay close. — author this isn’t the only thing we made. subscribe (https://gocuffed.com/podsub) · books (https://gocuffed.com/m.124ep.36) · music (https://gocuffed.com/podmusicpg) · coaching (https://gocuffed.com/podcoachpg) · shop (https://gocuffed.com/shoppod) This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.cuffedmedia.com/subscribe (https://www.cuffedmedia.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2)

3. 

   22 Oct 2026

   he said "right now." he never meant later. | cuffed episode no. 49

   how do you enforce a boundar (https://gocuffed.com/m147ep49)y without making the other person angry? you don’t. their reaction was never yours to manage. this episode breaks down why people get angry when access changes, what a boundary test looks like inside family and exes, and the quiet moment where a man chooses honesty over a convenient ambiguity (https://gocuffed.com/m148ep49) he used to rely on. episode overview: two musings. one about boundaries, one about the lie you can tell with two missing words. m.147 asks the question people keep typing into search: how do you hold a boundary without making someone angry (https://gocuffed.com/m147ep49). the answer is that you don’t carry their reaction. m.148 is the steamier one, a friends with benefits (https://gocuffed.com/m148ep49) conversation where the ambiguity was available and author didn’t use it. different topics. same spine: you are responsible for what you say and what you mean, not for how it lands on someone who was used to access. quick hits: — cuffed has passed 9,100 total podcast downloads across the public show and red room. — missed episode no. 48? “you’re not bad in bed. you’re bad at being told (https://gocuffed.com/ep48ep49).” pairs m.145 (https://gocuffed.com/m145ep49) with special edition no. 3 (https://gocuffed.com/se3ep49): being a good lover, then the lived experience. — this episode’s paid companion reads: red room no. 85 (https://gocuffed.com/rr85ep49) on boundaries and no. 86 on the cracked door (https://gocuffed.com/rr86ep49). community update: to everyone listening, reading, and sending these pieces to someone: thank you. use cuffed as the third object in the room. send the piece. listen together. let it open the conversation you’ve been struggling to start. book/series news: four architecture series are complete: control, trust, self, and intimacy. three more are planned for 2027: desire, conflict, and a third focused on manhood, with its final title still being developed. the architecture of desire is planned to begin in mid-january. like the earlier series, it will open with a blueprint and close with an integration piece. musings recap: m.147: they got angry. the boundary held. (https://gocuffed.com/m147ep49) the boundary isn’t the problem. the change in access is. you can’t manage another person’s reaction, and you aren’t supposed to. m.148: friends with benefits. we want each other. we didn’t do it. (https://gocuffed.com/m148ep49) the difference between “i’m not looking for a relationship” and “i’m not looking for a relationship right now.” two words, and the hope they manufacture. deep dive: access, not the boundary. when someone gets angry at a boundary, the boundary is rarely the issue. they’re losing access, and they’re facing what the relationship looks like with that access changed. for a lot of people that’s frightening. their reaction is information. name calling, “that’s stupid,” “that’s unnecessary” all tell you about the person reacting. it doesn’t tell you the boundary was wrong. the doubt is part of the pattern. when you hold a boundary you’ll question whether you’re being mean. that questioning is often what the other person wants. you can feel it and still not give in. boundaries as care. “i want you in my life, and this boundary is how that happens. if you don’t respect the boundary, you’re not respecting the relationship.” talk about your feelings, use i statements, stay away from direct blame. the two-word lie. “right now” keeps a door cracked just enough to hang hope on. author used to count on that ambiguity. this time he said it clean, and the friendship survived. congruence. doing the work publicly is easy. the test is whether what you say and what you do match when it matters most. coming up next: in development for saturday, october 24: red room special edition no. 5. the working thesis: “sometimes silence is cowardice dressed up as kindness.” a return to a conversation i handled badly, what i can finally hear in it, and the responsibility that remains when an apology doesn’t lead to another conversation. transcript: follow this show wherever you’re listening. if something here stays with you, send it to someone you can have the conversation with. two musings, 20 minutes. let’s get into it. we have musings 147 and 148 today. these seem wildly different from each other, but they’re very related. musing 147 is titled “they got angry. the boundary held.” it’s within the show notes. go down there, click it, and go read it. it’s even easier if you subscribe for free at cuffedmedia.com. then you get everything in your inbox. this musing is literally about boundaries. we see a lot of people arriving at cuffedmedia.com searching for an answer to a very simple question: how do you enforce a boundary without making the other person angry? when this question first came up, i actually started to think about a way to implement a boundary without upsetting someone. i did this for probably a couple of minutes, and then i came to the realization: we’re not fucking responsible for managing another person’s reaction to a boundary. that’s not our job. that does not fall on us. that is the other person’s decision. how they react to it has nothing to do with us. but here’s the hard part. there are some people who are going to react to it, in one way or another. good, bad, different, whatever it might be. there are going to be some people who are not going to respect that boundary, because they’re used to having access to you. and when you install the boundary, i think the issue on their end is not just the change in access. it’s also what the relationship looks like going forward with the change in access in place. and for a lot of people, that’s scary. here’s something i’ve done. this is such a great question because i’m in the middle of it. i’ve been in the middle of it for a while. i have some people in my life who i care a lot about, who i share a large portion of my life with. and in order for the relationship to continue, for it to be a healthy relationship for me, i had to put boundaries in. some of them are as simple as: if you call during these hours of the day, i’m not going to be available for a text or phone call, unless it’s an emergency. a very simple, easy boundary. but this person has continued, relentlessly, for months, to call and text during the workday. i don’t respond. and i will tell you straight up, there have been some days where the rhetoric was quite nasty. but that tells you a lot about that other person. if they immediately get upset, go to name calling, and try to tell you how stupid your boundary is, how unnecessary it is, whatever they might say, they’re telling you a lot about themselves. and i’m to the point with some people, in how they’ve responded to boundaries, where i literally start to question how much i want this person in my life. now, this changes dramatically with family, because some of my boundary issues are with family. i think that might be where the most challenging boundaries are. again, that hasn’t been easy. here’s a simple one i have with my father, when he decides to speak with me. if he brings up anything political, any type of political thought, i just ignore him. i literally straight up ignore my father, because i know exactly what he’s trying to do. he’s fishing for a bombastic reaction and i will not give it to him. the good news is he has finally realized he’s barking up the wrong tree and has kind of moved on. the phone call thing is with my ex-wife. and i’ve told her continuously: unless it’s an emergency regarding our children, you are not to text or call during the workday. we are no longer married. you do not have that access. i will not respond. and i don’t. and what’s crazy is, like i mentioned earlier, it turns into name calling, et cetera. the good news is, i think the response to a boundary is almost like how someone deals with a death, because i’ve seen people move through stages. there’s denial, and then there’s grief. i think she’s finally through her angry part, because now there’s no anger. it’s just that she texts and calls. i think she’s hoping i’ll respond, but i don’t. and here’s the thing though. sometimes, when you uphold your boundary, you are going to question if you’re being mean. that’s what they want. they want you to start questioning. is this right? is this necessary? whatever the questions could be that they get you to start stirring up in your head, that’s what they want. but you cannot give in to it. what i started to do was attack this head on. what i started to say to people was: i care about you, i want you in my life, and i want a relationship with you. this boundary is because i care about the relationship. if we don’t have this boundary, there is no relationship. i’m not in your life, you’re not in mine. it’s over. this allows us to maintain the peace in the relationship, which allows me to continue the relationship with you. if you don’t respect the boundary, then you’re not respecting the relationship. and sometimes it can lead to a deeper conversation about what you’re feeling, how it affects you when they do what they do, how it makes you feel. try to stay away from direct blame. talk about your feelings, use i statements, things of that nature. but at the end of the day, we are not responsible for whether someone gets mad about a boundary, whether they like it. that’s on them. we’re not in the business of trying to control other people’s thoughts, actions, words, behaviors, any of those things. we respect the other person’s agency. that’s the first musing. we’re going to move into the second musing, which is definitely a little steamier, as some of you have been calling some of my most recent writing. it is musing 148. the title: “friends with benefits. we want each other. we didn’t do it.” again, go to the show notes, click through, read it. definitely more detail on the website, but we’re going to jump into it. i met someone who is also a contractor for a really, really large company that i do work with. and she’s lovely. absolutely lovely. life has dealt her a couple of shitty hands, numerous shitty hands. and this is a person who refuses to allow her shitty hands to define who she is and ruin her day. when you meet her, she’s bubbly, she’s fun, she’s down to earth. she’s just a wonderful person to be around. we started just talking at first, friendly banter, and after a few weeks or a couple of months it was pretty apparent that we were into each other. we were very attracted to each other. i don’t know if it was me, if it was her, but we ended up talking about friends with benefits. each of us had dropped some hints here and there, and it became very clear that it was something we could both potentially be into. so we had the conversation. it was a very honest and direct conversation. for me, it was the first time since starting this year-and-a-half transformation that i had the ability to sit down with a woman, tell her exactly where i’m at in my life, how i feel about a potential arrangement, and do it honestly. so the conversation started with: one, i’m highly attracted to you. we’ve both kind of hinted at friends with benefits, which is something i would be open to, because right now i’m not looking for a relationship. things are entirely too busy with my children and all their extracurricular activities, with my oldest looking at colleges and taking the SAT. there’s just entirely too much going on right now. and the same was true for her. here’s what i could have done. i don’t necessarily think she was looking for just a fuck buddy. i could have left it ambiguous, which in the past was my go-to. instead of saying “i’m not looking for a relationship,” i would have added a sneaky couple of words at the end. now it would sound like: “i’m not looking for a relationship right now.” notice the difference there. let’s repeat this. “i’m not looking for a relationship.” “i’m not looking for a relationship right now.” adding those two fucking words completely changes how someone could interpret what you mean and what you say. and that’s what i would have counted on. the minute i sensed that, and felt the urge to sleep with her, i would have given her just enough hope to hang her hat on. and i would have done it. and i didn’t. i am so fucking proud of myself for not doing that. because i don’t want to hurt her. i very much enjoy having her as a friend. i love when i run into her at work. i love talking to her. we text. she’s a wonderful person. i am no longer the man who is willing or comfortable saying, “hey, you misunderstood what i said. i said i’m not looking for a relationship right now.” that’s still true. but inside, i would know i was lying. i would know that i gave her that artificial hope so that i could fuck her and eventually not be with her anyway. and now what happens after that scenario plays out? she’s hurt. she’s going to question, where did i get this wrong? i thought he might be open to it. i was never open to it. i was just playing you to get in bed with you. and i didn’t fucking do it. i have goosebumps even talking about this, because as a man who lost a woman who i’ve come to realize is probably the first woman i ever truly loved more than myself, which is why losing her ripped me open, i sometimes wonder how congruent i am. meaning, i’m doing this work very publicly, but when it matters the most, can i be the man that at the end of the day, when i look in the mirror, i’m proud of? and more importantly, can i demonstrate that the work i have done has been integrated and is congruent, meaning it’s showing up consistently between what i’m saying and what i’m doing? i think i’m getting there. not perfect. definitely not perfect. but i’m immensely proud of how far i have come, and there’s a testament to that: she and i are great friends. that’s the first time in my life i’ve ever ended up in a situation like this and we’re on the other side of it. we’re still friends. so i thought this was going to be all about friends with benefits. sorry to burst your bubble, but this was a much bigger lesson. although, if you do want to hear some juicy friends with benefits, go to the last podcast episode and special edition 3, which is on the website, because those are very steamy. that’s the episode for this week. hold the standard. stay close. where to find cuffed: read → ⁠⁠⁠cuffedmedia.com (https://gocuffed.com/start) books → cuffedmedia.com/p/book (https://gocuffed.com/bookspod)s shop →⁠⁠⁠ shop.cuffedmedia.com (https://gocuffed.com/shop) red room → ⁠⁠⁠gocuffed.com/rd (https://gocuffed.com/rr.19socials) pinterest → ⁠⁠⁠follow us (https://gocuffed.com/pinterest) stream the music → spotify (https://gocuffed.com/spotify) + apple music (https://gocuffed.com/applemusic) — hold the standard. stay close. — author this isn’t the only thing we made. subscribe (https://gocuffed.com/podsub) · books (https://gocuffed.com/m.124ep.36) · music (https://gocuffed.com/podmusicpg) · coaching (https://gocuffed.com/podcoachpg) · shop (https://gocuffed.com/shoppod) This is a public episode. 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