7 Jun 2023
When I was just a child....
When I was just a child,
I got wrapped up in the mountains,
When I was just a child,
Dancing ’round the house like a ballerina,
Lost in the music,
Catching butterflies, collecting flowers,
Making shapes in the stars,
I forgot there’s more to life than what’s at the surface…
I lived in dreamlands shimmering in pink gold
Till you came along and painted me dark gray.
Till I lost my light, lost my breath in the thought of you.
Now, I am a charcoal black mosaic underneath my ghostly palor and
ghastly smoke gray eyes that keep staring into nothingness,
Even though the mountains trapped me in,
And my legs gave way wandering in these pitch black forests.
I was still running to the farthest place I could.
I have been a burning fire on icy slopes,
I have been drowning in deep sea,
Finding freedom, like a gasp of air, for my sinking lungs.
Trying to keep myself steady in the face of a sea storm.
Trying to get a hold of something,anything, just for the sake of having it,
The last thing I remember from all those years ago,
When I wasn’t bruised ,wasn’t broken
Wasn’t drunk, wasn’t sober either.
When I dressed in loud colors and danced in the rain with my long hair,
Is that my smile was so bright, just like a child.
Now, I feel like I am a stuttering voice and trembling limbs.
I no longer know who I am supposed to be,
If this is a phase,if this shall pass or is this how I’ll always be…
I do wonder what if this is how I’ll always be…
I could never decide between the heart and the mind,
So, I let my heart bleed everytime till my mind could determine.
I never could figure out if my ambition was just mine,
Or if it was a borrowed idea from a street downtown.
If my misery was destined or self-imposed,
If my life was confined to the conifers and convoluted carriageways,
If my sadness was so soft that I could never leave the bed,
If your love was mine, or just a deception of my mind.
I lurched on crossroads between perfect bodies and perfect minds,
Perfect loves and perfect songs,
Waiting for our fairylights to flicker,
Searching for a sliver of light in the grey clouds of your eyes.
I slowly knit my life in the imprints of your silhouette,
To poison my mind and confine my body.
Oh my! How reckless was I to play with pain!
I was swimming out of my depth.
Oh, how I wish if my sadness was fleeting and my heart felt a little less guilty!
Crimson love stains became my art,
How did you unmoor such a vivacious heart ?
Between stolen glances and dirty lies,
Illicit affairs and dark ties,
My conscience screaming at me and the numbing pain,
I clutched my petite frame,hard,
As I extricated every fibre of my existence,
And moulded myself a million times,
Till I no longer desired to fit in and was no longer afraid to walk alone.
Till my own heart became my own home.
Till my own body became my shrine.
My mind, my throne…
I slipped and I fell, in ice cold water,
All my senses numbed and my heart almost froze.
With a heavy breath, I tried to start again.
When time pealed away my glory, dusted my laurels and rusted my smile,
I hid myself behind the walls, in covers and masques.
In the hopes of saving myself, I sabotaged every bit of me.
Walkin’ round afraid of my own darkness,
Tightening its straps around me like a harness
There came an abandon in my tone,
This melancholy weakened my bones.
As a recluse stranger strangled my neck.
The waves and the breeze couldn’t fix the sadness that buried deep in me.
Walkind ’round in circles,
Running, Hiding, Chasing, Daydreaming, Fantasizing.
I plastered layers on my face, ‘cause I love conceit
Sitting in dark caves, drunk in my made up pain.
I was just a kid, playing in my sweet escape,
Curious to see the world for what it is,
You were preying on instinct, clawing your way upto my heart....
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