Hello Mess with Don + Renee

August 27, 2020

The Uncomfortable Truth About Pruning

<h1 class= "se-t sie-latest-series_22-text st-m-title st-d-title se-rc"> <strong><span style="font-size: 12pt;">During the pruning process, the vine gets cut waaaay back until it is thirsty and appropriately distressed. God, our Vinedresser, is intentionally pruning us back in this season of distress. Listen in as we talk about what this looks like in our lives.</span></strong></h1>

August 23, 2020

How to Create Rules of Engagement For Your Marriage

<p> </p> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Renee: </span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Whenever there's a conflict or a fight, you automatically have rules (whether spoken or unspoken) in which you engage each other. You may not know what they are until you're actually in the fight, but everyone has them. Most of us have learned these somewhere along with the ways because of our own personality or because of our family history or the ways we have developed our own defensiveness, but we all have rules of engagement. Rules of engagement are an essential thing to discover inside of your marriage. It's helpful to know what we will do when fighting, disagreeing, or not seeing eye to eye occurs.</span></p> <p><span data-preserver-spaces="true">Ask yourself: what are the ways we engage each other when we can't see eye to eye? </span></p> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Don: </span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">The first rule of engagement is that you cannot make engagement rules during a heated engagement. This is called chaos, and it always has the same result. Rules of engagement have to be decided and committed to </span><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">before</span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> the conflict begins (or you're playing Hunger Games, seeing who comes out alive and who doesn't).</span></p> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Renee:</span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> it's a good conversation to have with one another and ask, </span><span data-preserver-spaces="true">what are the things that we want to agree to before we are fighting?</span><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> </span><span data-preserver-spaces="true">What are the things that we decide are off bounds?</span><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> </span></p> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Don: </span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Let's just say, this is not the frilly sort of hanging on the wall version of peacemakers or the spiritualized sanitized version of how you're going to be with each other. These are real in-the-moment-when-you're-slightly-crazy rules. You need boundaries to make sure you're connected and protected when neither of you are the best versions of yourselves. And so the rules need to be practical. </span></p> <p><span data-preserver-spaces="true">So what would be a practical, real rule of engagement? </span></p> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Renee:</span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> a real rule of engagement could be...</span></p> <ol> <li><span data-preserver-spaces="true">No name-calling.</span></li> <li><span data-preserver-spaces="true">No throwing things. </span></li> <li><span data-preserver-spaces="true">No using the word divorce. </span></li> <li><span data-preserver-spaces="true">Productive timeouts - a great way to say, </span><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">we need to take a break from one another because it's getting unproductive.</span><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> </span></li> </ol> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Don:</span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> Suppose I call a timeout, and you don't honor my request for a time out?</span></p> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Renee:</span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> So that could be a rule of engagement!</span></p> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Don:</span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> If someone calls a time out, time outs have to be honored. Otherwise, it's not really a rule of engagement. It's just a suggestion, right? </span></p> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Renee:</span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> To figure out where to start for your rules of engagement, think through what you did the last time you had a conflict. This can give you a starting place for what you should or should not do in your next engagement. </span></p> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Don:</span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> Write down your conflicts for 30 days. You may start to see patterns of what triggers a conflict. Are they after nine o'clock when you're tired? Are they in the laundry room because you feel unappreciated? While doing dishes? Whatever those hotspots are, you can see where you tend to get off the rails. </span></p> <p><span data-preserver-spaces="true">Now you need to figure out how to stay connected and protected while fighting. Write your rules down. They are real. If somebody breaks them, then what? </span></p> <p><strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true">Renee:</span></strong><span data-preserver-spaces= "true"> If someone breaks a rule, come back to your rules and look at them again. What do you have to figure out? What are you going to do about this particular one that's not being followed? </span></p> <p><span data-preserver-spaces="true">Your list should not be a list of 25 rules. Instead, start with a few primary behaviors that you're want to change while engaging in conflict. </span></p>

August 23, 2020

Why Marriage is a Team Sport