by Katharine Strange
Heretic Hereafter is about figuring out how to live the good life after leaving Evangelical Christianity. Whether you're religious or not, join us for a weekly dose of humor and reflection that helps us look past the superficial for life's deeper meanings. <br/><br/><a href="https://heretichereafter.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">heretichereafter.substack.com</a>
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July 22, 2026
<p>By my early 30s, I’d moved 16 times. I’d transferred schools 5 times, lived in 14 different cities, and moved boxes in and out of countless apartments and houses. </p><p>I’d always considered this my social superpower: I knew how to harness the allure of being “the new kid.” I was both extroverted and judgy; I sorted people quickly and built friendships that blazed quick and hot. (There’s nothing like an expiration date to cement intense friendships.) The cycle was: meet, befriend, leave, over and over again. </p><p>It took me years to realize that this supposed “superpower” was holding me back from real, deep friendship.</p><p><p>Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.</p></p><p>Do We Still Need Friends? The Allure of the “Everything” Relationship</p><p>It’s not just me who lacks friendship skills. From the “loneliness crisis” to viral content on “how to make friends as an adult,” it seems a lot of us are craving friendship.</p><p>This lack feels baked into our culture. America doesn’t prioritize or center friendships, instead it’s largely oriented around romantic partnerships. (You can’t, for instance, share health insurance with a friend, no matter how close you are.)</p><p>As many of our community affiliations (such as churches or civic groups) have dwindled in the past 50 years, more and more of our emotional and practical needs have fallen to our romantic partners. Our romantic expectations have never been higher: we want someone who will not only sweep us off our feet and do their fair share of domestic drudgery, they also need to also be our best friend. </p><p>These expectations have given rise to what psychotherapist Esther Perel dubs, “The Everything Marriage”:</p><p>“Everything that we wanted from a traditional marriage — companionship, family, children, economic support, a best friend, a passionate lover, a trusted confidante, an intellectual equal — <strong>we are asking from one person what an entire village once provided. And couples are crumbling under the weight of so much expectation.</strong>”</p><p>(emphasis mine)</p><p>Writing about this phenomenon for The Atlantic, author Rhaina Cohen calls it the “self-expressive” marriage: “spouses expected their partnership to be the site of self-discovery and personal growth.” (<a target="_blank" href="https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/10/people-who-prioritize-friendship-over-romance/616779/?gift=FwdRVmNN0njz3DNLR6VAdpWsnteaAVUp7zv8CTwBWlI&utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share">Gift link here</a>.) </p><p><strong>As Perel and others have pointed out: expecting one person to be your everything generally doesn’t work. </strong>No one person is going to share all our interests, fill every single one of our needs, always be sexy and smart and interesting. </p><p>Taking responsibilities for our needs means when one person can’t meet a specific need, we can find support in other relationships. I’m lucky to have a fantastic husband, but we don’t do everything together—he loves outer space and I love reality TV. I refused to see Project Hail Mary and he, in turn, doesn’t watch Love Island.</p><p>We need friends to share our quirky hobbies with. We need them to help with care- and domestic work. We need people who’ll willingly listen to us complain about our spouses or our jobs or our kids. We need people to split the cost of a vacation house or a Netflix account. </p><p>But for all these known benefits, many of us still struggle.</p><p>Why Keeping Friendships Can Be So Hard & What to Do About It</p><p>All the things that make friendship easy, like proximity and stage of life, can work against you as life goes on. That friend who lived down the hall in your college dorm now lives across the country. Things that were easy now take effort, and we only have so much effort to go around.</p><p>Here is my Very Scientific List of Things that Make Maintaining Friendship Difficult:</p><p>* Physical distance</p><p>* Changing life circumstances: one friend gets married, has a kid or takes on other caretaking responsibilities, loses their job, etc.</p><p>* Lack of clarity around the friendship. The label “best friends” hardly seems adequate for some of these relationships, which are more like platonic partnerships. But our culture/families doesn’t really understand ordering life around friendship vs. a romantic relationship. (More of this in The Atlantic article linked above) </p><p>Yet maintaining friendships across these changes is possible! A highly scientific survey of readers on Substack Notes and on <a target="_blank" href="https://www.facebook.com/strangekaty/">my Facebook</a> revealed some great tips:</p><p>* Embrace the awkwardness. If it’s been a while, things may feel weird at first. That’s okay! My tendency is to act like I know what’s going on, but I’m learning a better strategy is just to own your ignorance and ask questions (“What’s your kid’s name?”) People are, generally, pretty forgiving.</p><p>* Get creative with technology: emails, group chats, Marco Polo, Facebook, and doing book clubs over Zoom were just some of the tools mentioned.</p><p>* Reciprocity, but with grace. Friendships flourish when both sides do their best to connect while still understanding that sometimes it may be harder for one party or the other.</p><p>* Irregular visits. Face-to-face time, even years apart, has a way of making it feel like no time has passed.</p><p>* Understand there are different levels of friendship, and that’s okay. That person who used to be your confidante might be more of a casual friend now, and that’s okay. A healthy social network includes varying levels of intimacy.</p><p>The Secret Friendship Ingredient? Accountability</p><p>Growing up as the consummate “new kid” I was never lonely, but I also never learned how to work through conflict. </p><p>I distinctly remember moving to my last elementary school in Missoula, Montana. My dad had retired from the army and announced: no more moves. Shortly thereafter, there was some kind of 4th grade blow up, and it felt like half the class was mad at me. </p><p>I thought, “Oh well, I’ll probably move soon anyway, I can tolerate everyone being mad at me for a month or two.” </p><p>Then I stopped short. There would be no more moves. Many of these same kids would be my classmates through high school! </p><p>This was the first, but definitely not last, time I had to learn to be accountable (ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) Accountability, I’ve since realized, is the secret ingredient that makes relationships viable. More on that next week…</p><p>What do you think? Are you good at staying in touch? Do you have routines or rhythms for how often you’re in contact with old friends? Please share your stories, tips, and questions in the comments.</p><p><p>Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.</p></p><p></p> <br/><br/>Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at <a href="https://heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4">heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe</a>
July 15, 2026
<p>Do you ever have one of those days where you fantasize about throwing someone out a window? Not that you would ever actually want to hurt someone, but there’s just that “leave me the fuck alone” feeling?</p><p>Part of living in families and communities that doesn’t get a lot of airtime are the low-level irritations and resentments that can build up in long-term relationships. During this “Stuck Together Summer” we’ve gotta talk about feeling pissed off at the people you, ostensibly, love.</p><p>Bruh, Why You Mad?</p><p>I’m not immune from petty annoyances. When my husband was home with me for two weeks after a recent shoulder surgery, I might have, at one point, complained about how loudly he was breathing.</p><p>When I find myself angry at people for doing things like breathing or behaving in ways that are intrinsic to them (such as my kids for being loud and argumentative) usually the problem is…me.</p><p>In situations like this, some people like to use the acronym HALT (Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?) to check on themselves, I prefer the acronym SWaTHS: is the sun in my eyes? Do I have a wedgie (or other uncomfortable clothing situation)? Am I thirsty? Hangry? Sleepy? </p><p>If SWaTHS doesn’t reveal a culprit, the problem is often boundary related. Many of us raised in high-control religions were taught to ignore our needs. The trouble is <strong>needs don’t magically disappear because you’re ignoring them! </strong>They just fester into irritation and resentment.</p><p><p>Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.</p></p><p>What Boundaries Are (and Aren’t!)</p><p>“Boundaries,” like a lot of therapy speak, is a term being widely misused across social media. People say “boundaries” to try and control others, to set ultimatums, and to generally say “this is a thing I don’t want to do and so I won’t because: therapy!”</p><p>Boundaries, sadly, aren’t magic words that get other people to do whatever we want. <strong>Boundaries are decisions people make </strong><strong>for themselves</strong><strong> about what kind of behavior they will tolerate in order to protect their own mental and physical health.</strong></p><p>For example: Say your Aunt Bertha constantly brings up your bald spot and it drives you absolutely crazy.</p><p>Not boundaries: You say “Aunt Bertha stop laughing at my bald spot or I’ll throw you the window!”</p><p>Boundaries: You decide to mention to Aunt Bertha that her comments bother you. You decide that if she keeps bringing it up, you’ll have to cut your phone call or visit short.</p><p>Notice here that<strong> your decision is about what </strong><strong>you</strong><strong> will do.</strong> You can’t control whether Aunt Bertha makes a crack about your appearance. You can control your response.</p><p>Why Some People Hate Boundaries</p><p>In my experience, most people are very respectful of boundaries if they’re framed in a gently, such as “I wish I could help you with your tuba solo, but I’m at capacity.” </p><p>Some people, though, take boundaries EXTREMELY PERSONALLY because:</p><p>* it triggers their guilt: were their previous actions hurtful and they didn’t know?</p><p>* they have rejection sensitivity (common in ADHD) or other trauma related to boundaries</p><p>* the previous arrangement (you being a doormat) worked well for them. When you set boundaries it threatens the status quo</p><p>I’ve dealt with a fair amount of drama regarding pretty straight-forward boundaries around my kids’ needs for regular meals and bedtimes. It sucks to feel like you have to choose between good parenting and keeping the peace. </p><p>But, regardless of how people feel about our boundaries, it’s important to stick to them. Their feelings are their issue, not yours.</p><p>There are, however, more complex boundary situations.</p><p>Boundaries with People Who Have Power Over You</p><p>Boundaries are more complicated with people whom you depend on for housing, a salary, or other needs. It’s a lot easier to set boundaries with Aunt Bertha when she’s not the one paying your rent or watching your kids on the reg.</p><p>For instance, if you have reason to believe that your boss will punish you for setting boundaries, you might have to take a different tack, such as lowering your expectations (“Bob always microwaves tuna, that’s just how it is”) or, if the situation is really bad, looking for a different job. </p><p>Boundaries with People You Have Power Over</p><p>For many of us, setting boundaries with people we have power over can be equally difficult. Having been on the receiving end of abusive bosses, I’ve been reluctant to do things like tell my babysitter to put her phone away and, you know, watch my kids. (We all want to be liked, right?) I have to remind myself there’s a difference between being clear about expectations and being a bad boss.</p><p>Similarly, I’ve noticed how hard it is for many parents to set reasonable boundaries with their own kids. It feels easy to veer into being either over-controlling or too lenient. Newborns train us to respond to their every cry, but as kids get older, they need increasing amounts of what I’ve termed “brick wall parenting”: firm limits they can’t argue their way out of. Yes, you have to do your homework. No, you can’t play with fireworks. </p><p><strong>Setting boundaries isn’t being mean</strong>; it’s us acting as our kids’ frontal lobes until theirs have a chance to develop.</p><p>Difficult But Worth It</p><p>Most people do not enjoy conflict. For those of us who were raised to be doormats, setting boundaries can be especially anxiety-provoking. But being clear about boundaries actually improves our relationships—it teaches people how we prefer to be treated and shows us who is capable of honoring that and who isn’t. Failing to set and enforce boundaries often leads to resentment, which can poison a relationship.</p><p>If you need a little boost for setting boundaries, here are a couple of mantras I employ regularly:</p><p>* “Choose discomfort over resentment.” -Brene Brown</p><p>* “Clarity is kindness.” -probably also Brene Brown?</p><p>For further reading, I can heartily recommend therapist Nedra Tawwab, who offers down-to-earth, practical wisdom about boundaries in her book, <a target="_blank" href="https://bookshop.org/a/118600/9780593192092">Set Boundaries, Find Peace</a>. She’s also a <a target="_blank" href="https://www.instagram.com/nedratawwab/">solid Instagram follow. </a></p><p>How are you when it comes to setting boundaries? Do you agree or disagree that feeling “pissed off at the world” is usually the result of a boundary issue? Do you have any tips or tricks for setting and enforcing boundaries?</p><p>As always, I love to hear feedback from y’all in the comments or via DM or email!</p><p><p>Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.</p></p><p><strong>BONUS MATERIALS:</strong></p><p>* more about <a target="_blank" href="https://heretichereafter.substack.com/p/the-age-of-no-limits">the importance of limits</a></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://www.instagram.com/reel/DaGay2bJrCS/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==">this boundary-related humorous vid</a></p><p>* and this one’s <a target="_blank" href="https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXkO2QVEYxI/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==">just for LOLs</a></p> <br/><br/>Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at <a href="https://heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4">heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe</a>
July 8, 2026
<p>Summer started off with a bang in the Strange household—one of our kiddos pulled some epically bad behavior and, as a result, lost screentime privileges for two weeks! </p><p>The one upshot of this arrangement is that he was B-O-R-E-D and willing to indulge in more boardgames than usual. Our new family favorite? A cheery little card game called WE’RE DOOMED!</p><p>Why WE’RE DOOMED! Is So Compelling</p><p>WE’RE DOOMED! imagines that the world is ending in 15 minutes, and only those who get a seat on an escape rocket will survive. The trick is, the rocket isn’t finished yet. The main choice on each turn is whether to contribute to the (shared) rocket project, or to perform actions which make it more likely that you, yourself, will get a seat on said rocket. </p><p>Along the way there are fun complications like opportunities to steal or even “nuke” other players (thus eliminating them from the game.) Since the game is timed, all of this is all done with much shouting and rushing.</p><p>I’ve played WE’RE DOOMED! a few dozen times now and have only succeeded in getting on the rocket once. Generally, everyone dies, but a few times we’ve managed to pull together and build a big enough rocket for all the (still-living) players. </p><p><p>Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.</p></p><p>This game is the right level of fun, challenging, and silly. But the secret, nerdy reason that I like it? It’s a perfect illustration of the “tragedy of the commons.”</p><p>Our Most Common Problem?</p><p>The tragedy of the commons is an idea borrowed from economics describing a situation in which a group shares a common, scarce resource. Any one individual can try to hoard this resource for themselves at a cost to the community. Think overfishing, deforestation, or climate change. </p><p>Once you understand the tragedy of the commons, you start to see it everywhere: it’s corporations putting short-term profits ahead of long-term financial stability (the financial crisis), it’s countries wanting to industrialize (and pollute) to gain an economic edge in the short-term while contributing to climate crisis in the long-term. </p><p>What makes the tragedy of the commons so interesting is that it taps into that eternal tension between the individual and the community. What is fair? Who gets to decide? And should I take my “fair share,” or do I try to get one over on everyone else?</p><p>The term “tragedy of the commons” was popularized by the economist Garrett Hardin, who wrote (of overgrazed “commons” or communal land):</p><p>“Therein is the tragedy. Each man is locked into a system that compels him to increase his herd without limit – in a world that is limited. Ruin is the destination toward which all men rush, each pursuing his own best interest in a society that believes in the freedom of the commons. Freedom in a commons brings ruin to all.”</p><p>— Garrett Hardin, <a target="_blank" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tragedy_of_the_commons">The Tragedy of the Commons</a></p><p>Hardin’s view, it seems, is that all people are inherently selfish and that we are, in fact, doomed to ruin all shared resources. The only solutions, in his estimation, are privatization and top-down government management. </p><p>But is that actually the case?</p><p>Crabbing Lessons</p><p>We were on a big group camping trip this weekend, playing WE’RE DOOMED! in the evening and crabbing by day, which provided an interesting view into the tragedy of the commons.</p><p>When you crab in Washington, you must buy a $35 license. You’re limited to a certain number of crabs per day, of certain species, and you may not collect crabs that are too small, molting, or the wrong gender. This is top-down government regulation meant to prevent over-harvesting of crabs, enforced by park rangers.</p><p>Due to a broken boat, we were mostly limited to crabbing off the dock this year. We were not the only ones doing so—the space was fairly crowded with a diverse group of people: immigrants speaking a variety of languages, experienced crabbers, newbie tourists, a precocious 12-year-old crustacean expert, and a very nice guy wearing a very obnoxious Trump t-shirt. </p><p>The crabs were pretty scarce this year. Following Hardin’s logic, you’d expect that competition would be fierce and the strangers wouldn’t be very friendly towards each other. <strong>But you’d be wrong.</strong></p><p>While my crew only managed to catch 6 crabs over 2 days, we were given many more by folks who were doing better than us. Folks who preferred bigger crabs, or Dungeness versus Rock Crab, were giving us crustaceans left and right. Folks shared tools and tips and repeatedly helped each other. A sort of gift economy developed on the dock, partly enabled by those government limits. </p><p>Ronald Reagan Was Wrong</p><p>If you grew up like I did, learning that Reaganism was next to godliness, you probably learned that the best way to deal with the tragedy of the commons was to privatize everything. In this view, government regulation is inefficient, unresponsive to the market, and likely to spawn cancerous bureaucracies.</p><p>Yes, according to economists, government regulation or privatization were the only choices. Then Elinor Ostrom came along. She studied rural, traditional economies from around the world and found that these groups were perfectly capable of managing their own shared resources without privatization or state intervention.</p><p>In order for these systems to work, Ostrom found that <a target="_blank" href="https://evonomics.com/tragedy-of-the-commons-elinor-ostrom/">certain conditions needed to be met</a>, including systems for monitoring and enforcing rules. This research won her the Nobel Prize and opened a whole new area of study in economics. </p><p>Like the tragedy of the commons, once you recognize this shared resource optimization, you can see it everywhere. It’s why Wikipedia went from being something you should never cite (according to my high school English teacher) to a pretty reliable source. </p><p>How to Win at WE’RE DOOMED!</p><p>Solutions are possible. Problems like climate change, while complex and large-scale, are not unsolvable. What’s required, whether we’re governing global CO2 levels or a small neighborhood park, is pretty simple: we need to agree on a set of limits, and we need to have folks monitoring and enforcing those limits. Above all, we, like the crabbers on the dock, need to talk to each other. </p><p>So, if you want to win WE’RE DOOMED! I’d recommend you don’t start playing when the timer flips. Instead, you should talk amongst the players and come up with quotas of how many resources each player must contribute. You should appoint a monitor, and that monitor should have an enforcement mechanism, such as “if you fail to meet your quota, you will be nuked and removed from the game.” </p><p>Would we actually play this way? Absolutely not, it would be no fun at all! But it does give me hope, in a world full of naysayers and cynics, that <strong>we know how to solve big problems. </strong>We don’t have to settle for a WE’RE DOOMED! mentality.</p><p></p><p><p>Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.</p></p> <br/><br/>Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at <a href="https://heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4">heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe</a>
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Heretic Hereafter is about figuring out how to live the good life after leaving Evangelical Christianity.
Whether you're religious or not, join us for a weekly dose of humor and reflection that helps us look past the superficial for life's deeper meanings. <br/><br/><a href="https://heretichereafter.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">heretichereafter.substack.com</a>
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