19 May 2020
The Pain of Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You
I always wanted to write about you. About how your eyes sparkle like stardust in my dark room.
About your smile that gave me so many butterflies in my stomach.
About how I remember you as I listen to John Waite sing, “Missing You.”
About how you brought euphoria to my life with every mention of your name.
About how I keep telling myself to love you until I don’t need you anymore.
But, you see… I always run of words to describe these things.
I always find myself speechless every time I try.
Darling…
You came to my life without warning; I just woke up one morning tasting the cherry flavored lip balm you left on my lips. I allowed myself to indulge in your misery, to the power of your warm body. As I stand in front of the mirror, looking at the young man, the innocent naked man, I whisper to myself,
“How could you allow someone to do these things to you? Wake up!”
I tried to ignore the fact that I’m falling, because I know too much about falling in love. When you’re in love, you allow yourself to be blinded of the reality.
It’s like a drug, it gives you a temporary pleasure and you don’t like to be temporary. It’s giving someone the authority to break your heart while you’re sitting in the corner watching.
Love is a big NO to me because I don’t like to be one of those millennials who are so miserably broken by it.
But darling, I didn’t use the knowledge I have with love because you simply took that away from me.
You gave me hope to still believe.
I was naive and honest.
To you it’s a game; to me it isn’t.
You decided to just play it cool while I was drowning in you.
You said that I was young and this was just lust.
Lust? I wonder how could you call this lust when all we did was love?
How could you just tell me that? When all I did was think about you all night?
But anyway,
Thank you, because you never fell in love with me when I thought you were all I needed.
Thank you, because you only loved me when you needed me and turn your back when you didn’t.
Thank you, because while I was begging you to appreciate me, you never did.
Thank you, because you taught me that I was so stupid for loving you.
Thank you, for showing me that love is selfless; love is not asking anything in return.
Darling, I was innocent and young.
We both needed inspiration and motivation in our lives, and sadly we didn’t fall in any of the two. We’re just humans who’re still learning what to do with the mysteries and wonders of the world we live in.
We’re still learning how to handle storms and hurricanes.
The bitter truth is, I couldn’t write about you because all I want to say is, FUCK YOU. Those two words are enough, enough to make me feel better. You allowed me to love you but you’re too arrogant and too afraid for commitments. I was so stupid for allowing you to come inside my house and treat you like a queen, but you left me with nothing but tears.
Thank you, because loving someone who doesn’t love you has made me strong, has made me see what I deserve, has helped me let go.
Thank you, for changing my perception of love.
Thank you, Darling.
