Lessons on Leaving

About Lessons on Leaving

Jen Kiaba, an artist, educator and second generation cult survivor, shares thoughts on trauma, healing and art. See more of her work and her art at https://www.jenkiaba.com

Publisher

Jen Kiaba

Category

society & culture

Language

en

Explicit

Yes

First episode

26 Apr 2021

Latest episode

19 Jul 2021

Latest episodes

13 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   19 Jul 2021

   Toxic Workplaces and the Cult Survivor

   Cult survivors make great little worker bees (and I say this with a lot of love, respect, and a huge dose of sarcasm), at least in the minds of bosses; especially second and multi-generational survivors. But this is because we spent years working in an exploitative and abusive system that formed the basis for our work ethics. While I think that many bosses probably do admire the work ethic of their survivor employees (and they usually are not made aware of the employee’s survivor status, because we often keep it hidden for fear of stigma), I think that there is little recognition of how the culture of the American workplace taps into and triggers the old wiring of survivors. So I wanted to do a post that explores and examines these things. Some resources mentioned: Investigative journalist and Conspirituality podcast (http://conspirituality.net/)cohost Matthew Remski's post The Goodness of a Cult Comes from Those it Abuses (https://matthewremski.medium.com/the-goodness-of-a-cult-comes-from-those-it-abuses-e7ade183688c). Alissa A. Leisure Whitlatch, Ph.D.'s dissertation The Impact of Cult Membership on Career Development and Employment (https://etd.ohiolink.edu/apexprod/rws_etd/send_file/send?accession=ohiou1242395946&disposition=inline). Dr. Margaret Singer and Dr. Janja Lalich’s book Cults in Our Midst: The Continuing Fight Against Their Hidden Menace (https://www.amazon.com/Cults-Our-Midst-Continuing-Against/dp/0787967416). Edwin Herr and Stanley Cramer's book Career guidance and counseling through the lifespan: Systematic approaches (https://www.amazon.com/Guidance-Counseling-Lifespan-Systematic-Approaches/dp/B0028KR2SS/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=Career%20guidance%20and%20counseling%20through%20the%20lifespan%3A%20Systematic%20approaches&qid=1626388279&s=books&sr=1-2). Dr. Janja Lalich and Madeline Tobais's book Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (https://bookshop.org/books/taking-back-your-life-recovering-from-cults-and-abusive-relationships/9780972002158). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror (https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Recovery-Aftermath-Violence-Political/dp/0465061710) by Judith Herman. Complex PTSD: A syndrome in survivors of prolonged and repeated trauma (https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1&rh=p_27%3AJudith%20Lewis%20Herman&s=relevancerank&text=Judith%20Lewis%20Herman) by Judith Herman. A study called Posttraumatic stress disability after motor vehicle accidents: Impact on productivity and employment (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4231273/). A study called Independent living skills and posttraumatic stress disorder in women who are homeless: implications for future practice (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9426857/). Amanda Montell’s book Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism (https://www.oblongbooks.com/book/9780062993151). A 2019 Forbes article entitled, The Turbulent And Toxic State Of The Nation’s Work Culture: What You Absolutely Must Know And Do (https://www.forbes.com/sites/bryanrobinson/2019/10/21/the-turbulent-and-toxic-state-of-the-nations-work-culture-what-you-absolutely-must-know-and-do/?sh=11b7627e4564).

2. 

   5 Jul 2021

   Were you brainwashed?

   During a recent podcast interview, my friend and fellow survivor Lisa Kohn shared that while she was on tour to promote her memoir To the Moon and Back: A Childhood Under the Influence (https://www.mainpointbooks.com/lisa-kohn), she had the opportunity to be interviewed for a popular daytime talk show. She said that before she went on stage the producer was doing a pre-interview and asked her ‘were you brainwashed?’ I was tempted to completely derail the conversation and delve into a treatise on what thought reform is, and why asking a survivor if they were brainwashed is a stigmatizing question - at best. But I refrained and decided to explore those issues in this episode instead. Resourced mentioned: Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (https://bookshop.org/books/taking-back-your-life-recovering-from-cults-and-abusive-relationships/9780972002158) bu Dr. Janja Lalich & Madeline Tobias. Pseudoscience and Minority Religions: An Evaluation of the Brainwashing Theories of Jean-Marie Abgrall (https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A%3A1022081411463) by Dick Anthony. Brainwashing and the Moonies (https://www.icsahome.com/articles/brainwashing-and-the-moonies-galanti-csj-1-1-1984)by Geri-Ann Galanti, Ph.D. Brainwashing: The Science of Thought Control (https://bookshop.org/books/brainwashing-the-science-of-thought-control/9780198798330) by Kathleen Taylor Ph.D.. Thought Crime (https://www.theguardian.com/world/2005/oct/08/terrorism.booksonhealth), an article on the Guardian by Kathleen Taylor Ph.D.. Terror, Love and Brainwashing: Attachment in Cults and Totalitarian Systems (https://www.routledge.com/Terror-Love-and-Brainwashing-Attachment-in-Cults-and-Totalitarian-Systems/Stein/p/book/9781138677975) by Alexandra Stein, Ph.D.. Deception, Dependency, and Dread in the Conversion Process (https://www.icsahome.com/articles/deception--dependency--and-dread-langone) by Michael D. Langone, Ph.D.. Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism: A Study of "Brainwashing" in China (https://archive.org/details/ThoughtReformAndThePsychologyOfTotalism) by Dr. Robert J. Lifton. A 1957 there was a symposium panel of experts at the New York Academy of Medicine to discuss the topic of mind control. (https://www.wnyc.org/story/symposium-on-communist-brainwashing/) Psychotherapist Rosanne Henry’s website, https://www.cultrecover.com/ (https://www.cultrecover.com/). Bad Moon Rising, (https://www.amazon.com/Bad-Moon-Rising-Washington-Religious/dp/0979482232) by John Gorenfeld. Moonwebs: Journey into the Mind of a Cult (https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/moonwebs-journey-into-the-mind-of-a-cult_josh-freed/771400/?resultid=dd2d5fd3-f124-426a-912a-1a828944dac2#isbn=0920528279&edition=726372), by Josh Freed. The Relational System of the Traumatizing Narcissist (https://www.cultrecover.com/sites/default/files/The%20Relational%20System%20of%20the%20Traumatizing%20Narcissist.pdf), by Daniel Shaw. How Lifton’s Eight Criteria for Thought Reform applies to NXIVM’s Executive Success Programs, by Paul Martin, Ph.D. (https://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/NXIVM/esp11.html).

3. 

   28 Jun 2021

   Toxic positivity and the thought-terminating cliché

   Some of the tactics that the Unification Church use to train members rolls up into the thought terminating cliché: that if someone is experiencing doubt, it is “evil spirit world invading.” These thought stopping techniques, also called a semantic stop-sign, are a mind control technique wherein loaded language is used to quell the cognitive dissonance that one experiences when encountering contradictory information or thoughts. It allows a person to remove the stress of the cognitive dissonance by avoiding all further consideration of a matter. The concept was popularized by Robert Jay Lifton (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Jay_Lifton) in his book Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_Reform_and_the_Psychology_of_Totalism), where he also referred to this technique as the as "The language of Non-thought.” Resources mentioned in this episode: Alcoholics Anonymous: Cult or Cure? (https://epdf.pub/alcoholics-anonymous-cult-or-cure.html) Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control (https://recoveringagency.com/) Mike Rinder’s blog on “Word Clearing” in Scientology (http://www.mikerindersblog.org/the-horrors-of-wordclearing/) According to an article on Healthline.com (https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-positivity-during-the-pandemic#So,-how-do-you-deal-with-toxic-positivity?) The Psychology Group Fort Lauderdale (https://thepsychologygroup.com/) And article by Medical News Today (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/toxic-positivity) A 2020 narrative review (https://repository.uel.ac.uk/item/8842y) of 29 studies of domestic violence. It's Not Always Depression (https://time.com/5163576/ignoring-your-emotions-bad-for-your-health/) Dan Shaw, LCSW, and his talk with the International Cultic Studies Association, shame is both a cult recruitment and indoctrination tool. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpqW_LTi-vg) Whitney Hawkins Goodman (https://www.theccc.miami/whitneygoodman) and Dr. Caroline Leaf discusses the relationship between toxic positivity and gaslighting (https://drleaf.com/blogs/news/the-dangers-of-toxic-positivity-signs-of-gaslighting-tips-on-what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-is-grieving-with-therapist-whitney-hawkins-goodman).

4. 

   21 Jun 2021

   The Trauma of First Love in a Cult

   Members of the second generation ex-Unification Church community are beginning to speak out about their experiences, going so far as to coin the phrase “first love trauma” in online conversations. It wasn’t a phrase I’d heard before, even as I’ve studied the intersections of purity culture and religious trauma. But boy could I relate to it. So it made me wonder if there was any research on second generation adults who have left cults, and their first experiences with romantic love. I looked at the psychology of first love to see if I could make connections to what I’ve learned about the psychology of and abuses within cults. Resources mentioned in this episode: Study on the brain's reaction to love being similar to addiction (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5378292/). Jefferson Singer (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2016/02/12/why-we-never-really-get-over-that-first-love/)'a quote about our "memory bump." A study indicating that our working memory peaks around 18. (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33924660/) Nancy Kalish Ph.D. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/contributors/nancy-kalish-phd)'s article indicating that first love does not prevent later bonds from occurring (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sticky-bonds/201007/first-love-lost-love-is-it-imprinting). Dan McAdams (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201001/heartbreak-and-home-runs-the-power-first-experiences?collection=100364) in Psychology Today, on developing and internalizing an autobiographical narratives. Dr. Niloo Dardashti (https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/are-first-loves-really-deepest/1055283)'s quote that our first love do become a blueprint for how we approach future relationships. Dr. Luisa Dillner (https://www.theguardian.com/profile/luisadillner) on what a love-based PTSD diagnosis might look like. Liz Powell, PsyD (http://sexpositivepsych.com/about-me/),'s quote on trauma bonding relationships. Michael Samsel's site https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/ (https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/,) where he talks about communal abuse (https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/NonIPV/communal_abuse.html). The article by The New Republic (https://newrepublic.com/article/115512/unification-church-profile-fall-house-moon), "The Fall of the House of Moon." In the Shadow of the Moons (https://howwelldoyouknowyourmoon.tumblr.com/post/176459382983/nansook-hong-in-the-shadow-of-the-moons-book) by Nansook Han. Is Purity Culture a Form of Sexual Abuse? for ICSA Today, the International Cultic Studies Association magazine (https://drive.google.com/file/d/1LF3JmJg9exal4Kw3JlZKjxldXvl0P8ng/view). David J. Ley Ph.D.'s article Overcoming Religious Sexual Shame (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201708/overcoming-religious-sexual-shame). https://www.inclusivetherapists.com (https://www.inclusivetherapists.com/) https://www.icsahome.com/support/counseling-resources (https://www.icsahome.com/support/counseling-resources) Reclamation Collective (https://www.reclamationcollective.com/support-groups) Sexuality educator Erica Smith (https://www.ericasmitheac.com/) I Got Out (https://igotout.org/)

5. 

   14 Jun 2021

   Memory Loss, Dissociation and Euphoric Recall in Cults

   Sometimes I struggle to recall things from my childhood in the cult. There are long blanks in my memory, or when I do excavate memories, I have to sit with them for a long time and ask “did I hallucinate that experience?” These days, I’ve been talking to a lot of survivors, many of whom are actively sharing their stories online. But the theme of doubting our experiences is something that seems to come up again and again. I began to wonder why that is. Could it be that many of us blocked out memories simply to survive? Resources cited in this episode: The Falling Out Podcast (https://www.fallingoutpod.com/). A 2018 interview Daily Mail interview with Dr. Alexandra Stein (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-5835661/From-high-flyer-sex-slave-Cults-prey-successful-women.html). The American Psychiatric Association (https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/dissociative-disorders/what-are-dissociative-disorders) definition of dissociation. Sharon K. Farber Ph.D.'s Psychology Today article (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mind-body-connection/201407/cults-and-the-mind-body-connection). My post on love-bombing (https://w5j-dsrt-sg.squarespace.com/lessons-on-leaving/love-bombing). The University of Washington’s Harborview Abuse and Trauma Center (https://depts.washington.edu/uwhatc/PDF/TF-%20CBT/pages/7%20Trauma%20Focused%20CBT/Dissociation-Information.pdf)'s description of dissociation. An old post of mine from the blog Summer of Cheesecake (https://www.summerofcheesecake.com/2015/08/sex-death-human-trafficking-unification-church.html), describing a labor trafficking program in the Unification Church called "Special Task Force." Sharie Stines, PsyD (https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/sharon-stines-20160924)'s a post on Goodtherapy.com describing "abuse amnesia." Dr. Janja Lalich's interview on Change The Narrative with JD Fuller (https://youtu.be/lAXAZzeg8WA?t=716). Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D (https://youtu.be/06QEn0oTkMQ?t=325)'s video on "euphoric recall." The psychological term "rosy retrospection (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202101/no-you-were-not-happier-way-back-when-heres-why)." IGotOut.org (//IGotOut.org)

6. 

   7 Jun 2021

   What is love bombing?

   The term “love bombing” seems to have come into the cultural consciousness in a big way in the past several years, perhaps because of the prevalence of toxic behavior in arena like online dating. Culturally we’re at a point where the term gets tossed around quite casually. A quick Google search on the term brings up cautionary articles from sources as varied as Cosmopolitan to Business Insider and Psychology Today. Many articles highlight the fact that love bombing is a control tactic, and so go as far to say that it’s generally used used by people on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, especially in dating. They point to signs like constant compliments, showers of gifts and things moving quickly in relationships as being potential red flags. But many of these articles seem to miss the mark in terms of diving into how sinister love bombing really is. Resources discussed or cited in this episode are: The support group Betrayal Trauma Recovery (https://www.btr.org/uncover-3-disturbing-tactics-emotional-abusers-use/). Domesticshelters.org, a searchable directory of domestic violence programs and shelters in the U.S. and Canada (https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/it-s-not-love-it-s-love-bombing). Ronald N. Loomis' testimony before the Maryland Cult Task Force in 1999 (https://web.archive.org/web/20040818214228/http://religiousmovements.lib.virginia.edu/cultsect/mdtaskforce/loomis_testimony.htm). Dr. Margaret Singer's book, Cults in Our Midst (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cults_in_Our_Midst). Dr. Dale Archer's article in Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201703/the-manipulative-partners-most-devious-tactic). Rev. Moon's 1978 speech telling members to perfect their love bombing (https://history.familyfed.org/tf-sermons/we-who-have-been-called-to-do-gods-work). The movie Ticket to Heaven (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ticket_to_Heaven). The book Moonwebs: Journey Into the Mind of a Cult (https://www.abebooks.com/9780888930200/Moonwebs-Journey-mind-cult-Freed-0888930208/plp) by Josh Freed. Narcissistabusesupport.com, (https://narcissistabusesupport.com/resources/)which has a list of resources, from therapists to local support groups as well as links to free legal assistance and housing. SpiritualAbuseResources.com (//SpiritualAbuseResources.com), which is s service to help people recover from coercive control in spiritual contexts. ICSAhome.com (//ICSAhome.com) also has an extensive list of counseling resources here (https://www.icsahome.com/support/counseling-resources) if you or a loved one is looking for a cult-aware therapist. IGotOut.org (//IGotOut.org), an organization dedicated to helping survivors share their stories and end the stigma of having been in a high control group.

7. 

   31 May 2021

   What’s so bad about growing up in a cult?

   A few years ago someone commented on one of my social media posts, asking me to explain why I felt that growing up in a cult was such a bad thing. So I wanted to take the time to answer the question fully. And to be clear, I don’t think that it should be the survivor’s job to take on the emotional labor of educating the public about childhood trauma in cults. But this is an area that I’ve been diving into a lot lately, and so I wanted to create content that other survivors could direct the curious public to, in case faced with a similarly impertinent question. Cyndi H. Matthews' study referenced in this episode can be found here: Second-Generation Religious Cult Survivors: Implications for Counselors (https://www.icsahome.com/articles/second-generation-religious-cult-survivors-implications-for-counselors-docx) You can read Leona Furnari, MSW, LCSW Rosanne Henry, MA, LPC's article here: Lessons Learned from SGAs about Recovery and Resiliency (https://cultrecover.com/sites/default/files/pdfs/Lessons%20Learned%20from%20SGAs%20about%20Recovery%20and%20Resiliency_Furnari%20and%20Henry_IT%2001-03%202011.pdf) And I also mentioned Alexandra Stein's book “Terror Love and Brainwashing: Attachment in Cults and Totalitarian Systems” (https://www.routledge.com/Terror-Love-and-Brainwashing-Attachment-in-Cults-and-Totalitarian-Systems/Stein/p/book/9781138677975)

8. 

   24 May 2021

   Healing Through Art - Part Two: The Research

   In focusing on art as a healing tool, I want to hone in specifically on religious trauma because that area of focus is where my personal experience is rooted. However, I believe that many of the resources shared in this post apply to other areas of trauma as well. I'll start by defining religious trauma, then go into the developmental considerations of that trauma, and finally share some of the research around art as a healing and integration tool.

9. 

   17 May 2021

   Healing Through Art - Part One: My Story

   I believe we are all born creative, or at the very least, with the capacity to be creative. If we’re lucky, we grow up in an environment where the adults around us encourage and foster that creativity. But what happens if you grow up in a cult, or a similarly abusive structure? In this episode I explore what happens to creativity within the cultic milieu, using my story as a lens.

10. 

    10 May 2021

    The Illusion of Choice

    Overlaying bounded choice framework onto the biological need to survive within the human group, we can see that there is only the illusion of choice for people within cultic systems. At every crossroads, where my intuition was screaming for me to not take a prescribed path, my conditioning told me that total abandonment and death awaited down the other path. Even if I was told that I had a choice, did I really? Resources mentioned in this episode: Dr. Janja Lalich's book Bounded Choice: True Believers and Charismatic Cults (http://cultresearch.org/bounded-choice/). A Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/conformity) article on human conformity. Unchained at Last (http://www.unchainedatlast.org/). Resiliency Foundation (https://resiliencyfoundation.com/). The film Knots: A Forced Marriage Story (https://www.knotsthefilm.com/). The United Nations Commission on the Status of Women (https://www.unwomen.org/en/csw). igotout.org (http://igotout.org/)

11. 

    3 May 2021

    We Are All Vulnerable

    Although media coverage of topics like cults and QAnon are important, in that they help us understand the very real threat of radicalization, I sometimes struggle with how the coverage is handled. Oftentimes the subject comes off as “crazy,” or is treated like a circus sideshow. Rarely is the coverage nuanced enough to help viewers understand what indoctrination is and how it happens. More often than not, we come away thinking, “at least that could never happen to me.” But the truth is far more complex.

12. 

    26 Apr 2021

    Why Didn't You Just Leave?

    The question “Why didn’t you just leave” is one I’ve heard more times than I care to count and, sadly, I think that’s something many cult survivors can relate to. This is also a question that many survivors of domestic abuse/intimate partner violence are faced with. As a survivor of both, I want to draw a direct line between cultic abuse and domestic abuse. Because the more that we understand about these systems of control, how they are similar and how they function, the better we can understand and support survivors.

13. 

    26 Apr 2021

    Let Us Embark

    After many years, I decided to try blogging again about the things that have been rattling around in my brain - and then it was brought to my attention that audio might be an easier format for some people to consume. Right now it’s Spring in 2021, and we’re inches away from the anniversary of when the COVID pandemic shut things down in the state of New York. Plus, we are all only a few months past the riots at the US Capital. This has me thinking about trauma, both collective and individual, healing and cults. So, that is what I will be sharing about here in this audio blog.

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