11 Sept 2019
Reason for Living - World Suicide Prevention Day
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I recorded this episode June 21 and thought to post it today in case it helps someone. When I recorded it, I hadn't planned it or written any notes. I was just thinking deep thoughts about a theory I have related to making decisions and suicidal thoughts. I noticed when I had thoughts swirling in my mind about what I can't do, it spiraled down into hopeless thoughts about having no reason to exist. When I make decisions/choices and take action on them, it doesn't matter what they are or how big they are, just the fact that "I can" and "I am" shifts my mindset completely. When I am believing and acting on the truth, that God has purpose for my existence and I can pursue and co-create it into existence by focusing on one decision at a time, my brain holds no space for thoughts that I have no purpose. I am actively proving it wrong. It struck me hard when I realized that changing the "I can't" thoughts to what I caught myself saying in the moment of acting on a decision: "I am [doing whatever action]". The "I am" part reminded me that it's the answer God gave in the bible of who he is. I'm not saying I'm God or we're each gods, but it seems like a thread of connection between God as our creator and the moment of action we choose to take, we are putting something into existence that didn't exist before. I don't mean art, but even something as simple as making your bed or washing your face or brushing your teeth. Stick with me here...when you take an action like these, the result of them would not have existed in the way you did it if you hadn't done it. We receive drive and desire from God to take action, we choose to take the action, and we do it by God's strength. Every single little decision/action is co-creating with God. That's freaking amazing. It's not up to us to assign a quantity value to how much purpose we have. I feel more peace surrendering the right to the timing of my death to God, and trusting that I can't see a complete perspective of the impact of carrying out my purpose in this life, but as long as I'm still alive, God has work for me to carry out together. Me and God. Even if the only thing I can bring myself to create on extra depressed days is clean teeth, fine. God is the Great I AM. And when I'm carrying out a decision together with God, I am [insert action like brushing teeth]. Anyway, it's worth it to me to publish this for the message. I just grabbed my phone and went to a room in my house with carpet and recorded from my phone, so the audio isn't pretty. Life's not pretty though, so there's that. If it kinda makes sense but doesn't help enough, or you want someone to help you sort through lies in your head about not having a purpose or that life isn't worth it, contact me! I'll keep this Facebook group or update this here if it changes, but join the group to connect with me and we'll go from there: https://www.facebook.com/groups/nicolewrage/ (https://www.facebook.com/groups/nicolewrage/) I love you and God loves you. Both are true, even if you don't believe them. Some days your purpose is to just breathe, so keep doing that, even if it's curled up in a ball on the floor, and reach out to someone who understands and loves you.
