Open hearts. Honest conversations.

About Open hearts. Honest conversations.

Join registered clinical counsellor Valerie Dolgin and her guests as they chat about the issues, big and small, we’re all facing together. From heightened anxiety to pandemic parenting to finding joy in unexpected places, we’ll laugh and share relatable stories about what we’re learning – and our challenges along the way. Grab your walking shoes or fill up the sink and tune in for a lively discussion, including concrete tools and coping techniques you can apply to your own life.

Publisher

Family Services of the North Shore

Category

education · health & fitness

Language

en

Explicit

No

First episode

15 Jan 2021

Latest episode

31 Jan 2024

Latest episodes

10 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   31 Jan 2024

   How Validation Builds Self-Compassion for People with Eating Disorders

   Show Notes: Introduction to Dr. Geller’s recent research studies, including the approach and key findings Definition of validation, and what exactly validation means to people living with eating disorders Relationship between validation and self-compassion Introduction of self-compassion, and association with positive outcomes in recovery Introduction of barriers to self-compassion, and how people have overcome them Types of support, and how to provide support Importance of enduring support throughout the recovery journey Resources: To learn more about Embody – the story behind the program and the range of resources available to you, click here to visit our website Refer to Josie Geller and Avarna Fernandes's article, Learning from Individuals with Lived Experience: The building blocks of self-compassion click here In this episode we refer to the Eating Attitudes Screening Tool, click here to access the anonymous online screener. We also refer to the Body Image Screening Tool, click here to use. This is also an anonymous online screener. Research article on validation, The power of feeling seen: Perspectives on validation from individuals with eating disorders. Journal of Eating Disorders, 9, 149, click here Research article:  Self-compassion and its barriers: Predicting outcomes from inpatient and residential eating disorders treatment. Journal of Eating Disorders, 10(1), 1–10, click here

2. 

   30 Jan 2023

   Transition

   Show Notes Recognition and appreciation for LGBTQ2S+ folks that have gone before us, who have worked so hard to bring transgender and queer issues to the forefront and out into public discourse, particularly acknowledging trans women of colour. This journey for Beckham and Sheila began when Beckham was 16, in high school, and came out as gay or bisexual, telling their parents they were dating a woman.  At that time Beckham went by the name Rebecca and identified as female. Beckham found support in their community through a high school counsellor, and a queer youth group.  Joining this group provided opportunities for supportive friendships and connections to events, as well as positive examples of older adults in the queer communities. After high school, Beckham went away to university, which provided a ‘blank canvas’ and allowed for evolution and transformation.  Being away and independent provided space to explore gender and identity and to fully embark on their journey of self discovery without the worry of other people’s expectations. During this time, Beckham expanded their understanding of gender and expression, transitioning their name to Beck and ultimately Beckham, changing their appearance and pronouns. As a parent, navigating parenting a child who was working through figuring out their gender identity and expression, Sheila focused on learning and educating herself, building knowledge, and ultimately becoming an advocate.  She is also a supporter for parents at different stages of this journey. Sheila emphasizes the importance of reaching out and locating communities that may be different than the ones you are in. Parent's support groups for Sheila included Family Services of the North Shore PROUD2BE parents group, and PFLAG, where she built meaningful and important connections with other parents who she would not have met within her own existing communities. A turning point for Sheila was finding people to connect with and forming friendships based on common experience and perspective.  These friendships, coupled with finding a relevant counsellor, helped to alleviate feelings of isolation and aloneness. As a parent working through this, Sheila recognized the importance of taking care of herself through exercise and the outdoors.  Through counselling, she also knew that she had to process her own feelings rather than supress them. Creating and maintaining open lines of communication is so important, and not always easy.  Space and time, between (difficult) conversations can be extremely helpful.  Also, being sure to continue to do every-day simple things together and continue to have regular conversations. A parent can be their child’s greatest advocate. Meet your child where they are. Focus on unconditional love. Validate…I see you, I hear you, I love you.  Validation is not approval; it is looking for the emotion behind what the person is saying. Figure out how to show up for your child, it makes a big difference. Become an ally.  Beckham offers an acronym for folks to consider: LEVEL UP which stands for; Listen and hold space, Educate yourself, Validate, Empathy- extend empathy, Love, Understand- seek to understand, Pronouns. Know that kids change their minds.  Follow your child’s lead while keeping in mind kids don’t always know what they want, and/or they may not have the words/vocabulary for it, yet. Today, Sheila lives close by Beckham and their family, which includes their partner and two children (+furry friends).  The interests Sheila and Beckham have always shared are alive and well, and they now know one another as adults.

3. 

   27 Apr 2022

   Youth Mental Health

   Show Notes: These days we hear a lot about youth mental health, and there is a lot of worry about the mental health of youth. Things that are affecting the mental health of youth, from the perspective of two members of Family Services of the North Shore’s YouthLAB 2021/22 cohort. Types of mental health challenges they notice in themselves and their friends and peers. Ways they manage stress and anxiety. Ways youth might be able to feel more ease and less distress in their lives. How adults can be most helpful to the youth they care about. Advice for parents about supporting their teens, and comfort and support tools and activities. Social media, and their opinions about the positive of connection as well the negative impacts. Global and social issues and how they influence and impact young people. Opinions on therapy. Resources: To check out the new YouthLAB website click here. To learn more about YouthLAB and support for Youth through the Agency, click here. To access counselling for children, youth, and adults, email our intake counsellor intake@familyservices.bc.ca. If you are interested in getting involved as a volunteer, click here to learn more. If enjoyed the podcast and would like to support our work, click here to learn about becoming a donor.

4. 

   7 Mar 2022

   Living with an Eating Disorder

   Show Notes: Three common themes are explored as common characteristic of living with an eating disorder: disconnection, isolation, and stigma. Through Vicky’s journey, elements of secrecy, loss, and shame are discussed, and how each can show up, intensify, and the role each plays progressively and overall. We explore the difference between disordered eating and eating disorders. Vicky talks about early signs in her journey, and how her eating disorder may have evolved. Points of potential intervention are considered, and types of support are identified. Advice for parents is offered by both Vicky and Joanna, and the importance of being curious about changes. Often, we hear that one of the things that keep eating disorders in place is that people get praised for their weight loss. Vicky discusses the reality of this notion, and it’s impact. On the outside Vicky appeared to be functioning at a very high level, she looked like a superstar. She discusses what was really going on inside for her during this stage. It is often noted that eating disorders ‘work’ really well for people in the beginning. Vicky and Val discuss how Vicky realized it was no longer ‘working’ for her, and at what point she realized it was time to get help, and what that looked and felt like. Vicky describes her experience with treatment, what was most helpful, and provides some insights and advice for people who may be contemplating treatment for themselves or a friend or loved one. Recovery is discussed from the perspective of the characteristics and how you know you are there. Vicky shares how the eating disorder has changed her, and notion of (ever) being cured. The ways in which eating disorders are different from other mental health issues and disorders is explained, and comorbidities are identified. The understanding that eating disorders are about so much more than just food is discussed. The team recognizes eating disorders have historically focused on the experiences of women and girls, but in reality, people of all genders experience eating disorders, and the importance of understanding and addressing this limited perspective. Resources: To learn more about Embody – the story behind the program and the range of resources available to you, click here to visit our website. To access counselling for children, youth, and adults, email our intake counsellor intake@familyservices.bc.ca. If you are interested in getting involved as a volunteer, click here to learn more. If enjoyed the podcast and would like to support our work, click here to learn about becoming a donor. In this episode we refer to the Eating Attitudes Screening Tool, click here to access the anonymous online screener. We also refer to the Body Image Screening Tool, click here to use. This is also an anonymous online screener. For more lived experience information, check out the Q&A Series the Embody website, click here. Anxiety Canada and Embody Infographic on Anxiety and Eating Disorders is also a helpful tool click here to view.

5. 

   24 Sept 2021

   Grief

   Show Notes: Bereavement is the term used to describe the holistic experience of loss, including the emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and social experiences. Grief is the word used to describe the emotional component of bereavement. Loss is the experience of being separated from something or someone that we love and care for.  In other words, loss is the separation, and grief is the emotional reaction to the loss. Loss is a normal part of the human experience. Even though loss is a normal and expected part of life we continue to have difficulties with it because it is a painful experience, and humans are wired to avoid pain. We work very hard at avoiding pain, and the death of loved ones is not something that we can avoid. These losses bring up a lot of stuff for us, maybe the unfinished business of a conversation we didn’t finish, or actions we regret, so death brings a lot of discomfort to our lives. When someone we love has died, or when we have experienced another major loss, the way we can make it less painful is to know that the pain of the loss is not going to kill us. We can talk about it to people who will just listen and witness our pain. We can think about how the pain teaches us about who we are.  It’s important for us to not feel alone with the pain of a loss. The Covid-19 pandemic has brought out a lot of feelings of grief and loss. We can help ourselves and others live with these feelings by increasing the kindness we offer to others and to ourselves. It is important not to compare our grief with others’ feelings of grief. The important part is your own experience of the loss, rather than comparing it to others’ loss. It is important to take the lessons of the loss, learn from them, and figure out how to move forward; not forget where we’ve been but to take those lessons and apply them to the next part of life. When we are supporting someone who has experienced a loss, we can best do this by offering our kind, gentle, and non-judgmental presence. We don’t have to know the right things to say, we can simply listen without interrupting. In 1969 Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed her Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  A colleague later developed a sixth stage:  making meaning.  These stages are meant to describe the commonality of the human experience vis a vis grief and loss, but noting that this is not a linear process. Grief moves us around. We have to learn who we are after a significant loss.  We are changed by the experience. Some common reactions to a major loss are: an initial shock period where the body and brain are not able to process the information, there’s also a change in breathing – people have a feeling of tightness in the lungs, there are changes in eating, sleeping, and exercising patterns. There is a period of evaluation where people think about their last conversations and list their regrets with that person, along with asking themselves if they played a part in the loved one’s death (could I have done something more?  I should have done more…). People also find themselves needing to be more in contact with nature or want to be home by themselves to process the experience. Others want to talk to God, and others aren’t interested in that at all.  Some people return to church if they weren’t attending for a while.  There is a period of personal reflection. The most important part of the process of bereavement is not to judge our reactions to the loss. Everyone is unique in this. There are three Burdens of Grief:   (1)  The loss of the person through death, (2) We are forever changed when somebody we love dies, and (3) Navigating a world that is not as sensitive or kind to people who are experiencing grief. After someone has died, we develop a new type of relationship with them. The relationship exists, and it continues but it is not the same.

6. 

   27 May 2021

   Family Caregivers

   Show Notes: A family caregiver is a relative or friend who provides care and support to someone living with chronic disease, disability, mental health, or age-related challenges. There are currently 1.1 million caregivers in the province of British Columbia. Anyone can find themselves in the role of caregiver; it’s a role that most people will take on at some point in their lives. As an unpaid role, the family caregiver tends to be largely overlooked and underappreciated. While most caregivers (64%) spend less than 10 hours a week on caregiving responsibilities, 1 in 3 seniors caring for a spouse spend more than 30 hours a week caregiving. Typical daily tasks include grocery shopping, meal preparation, looking after finances, providing transportation, liaising with healthcare professionals, housework, and personal care. While many find the experience of caregiving to be rewarding, caregivers also often report an increased level of stress and a decline in their overall health. The level of stress tends to increase with the number of hours spent caregiving. For someone with Alzheimer’s disease, behavioural changes may occur. If the person you are caring for becomes agitated or aggressive, it may be that they are over-tired, in pain or experiencing too much noise or confusion. Watch for early signs and deal with the cause before the behaviour begins. If the behaviour persists, seek medical guidance. The care role often tends to blur boundaries, leaving the caregiver with a feeling of being always on alert, which in turn can lead to exhaustion and/or burnout. Signs of caregiver burnout may include overwhelming fatigue, feelings of hopelessness, irritability or anger, difficulty coping with everyday things, trouble sleeping, depression or anxiety. To maintain wellbeing and avoid caregiver burnout, check out community resources and reach out for support. Join a caregiver support group to connect with others who have had similar experiences. Reach out to agencies that provide support specific to the condition or disease your loved one is facing. Find ways to nurture yourself and take care of your own emotional wellbeing. Set an intention each day to actively look for moments of joy. If you have become a caregiver for someone with whom you’ve had a difficult relationship, follow the above steps to avoid caregiver burnout, avoid arguing, step away and take deep breaths if you feel anger coming on, seek counselling and know your limitations. Find gratitude for the good things in your life. There are many ways to support caregivers in your life. You could: reach out to let them know you’re there for them; listen without judgment or trying to fix things; suggest a way you could help, and learn about resources available in their community and share them with the caregiver. If you’ve just begun this role, or if you’ve been caregiving for some time, know that you’re not alone. Reach out to join a caregiver support group where you can share the challenges and joys along the caregiving journey. Resources: To learn more about our Caregivers Connect program, email connect@familyservices.bc.ca. To access counselling services, email our intake counsellor intake@familyservices.bc.ca. If you are interested in getting involved as a volunteer, click here to learn more. If enjoyed the podcast and would like to support our work, click here to learn about becoming a donor. For additional perspective and information refer to Insights on Canadian Society: The experiences and needs of older caregivers in Canada, Paula Arriagada, November 24, 2020. For more information and resources for Family Caregivers, refer to Family Caregivers of BC.

7. 

   22 Apr 2021

   Volunteerism

   Show Notes: People choose to volunteer for many reasons a few of which are:  wanting to be included and part of their children’s or families activities, a desire to give back to the community, they have time and want to fill it, they have moved into a new neighbourhood and want to connect with others in their area and make friends. Volunteering offers a sense of belonging, of connecting, and of contributing to the community. Family Services of the North Shore volunteers are involved in many of the services our Agency offers.  Some possible volunteer jobs are:  flipping pancakes at client events or programs, delivering groceries, making caring phone calls to community members in need, behind the scenes administrative support and more. There are opportunities for everyone depending on your interests, skills, and the amount of time you have to offer. Volunteering is fun!  Working with a group of committed people feels like good, meaningful teamwork.   At Family Services of the North Shore, volunteer teams look at a problem in the community and work together to figure out how to resolve it. During the pandemic our volunteers helped us develop our grocery delivery program and the caring phone calls that are made to individuals who are particularly isolated right now. Through this connection to clients our volunteer program is able to respond the needs that clients tell us about, so that we can move nimbly to assist with community issues, often in real-time, as they come up. Everyone benefits from volunteerism; clients and volunteers lives are enriched by their interactions, and relationships between volunteers teams often lead to great friendships. One of the other benefits of volunteering is learning about members of the community you might not otherwise meet, regardless of their economic situation, work, age, cultural background, everyone. An important aspect of this work is also realizing that in life, sometimes we are givers and sometimes we are receivers and it is only circumstances that separate those two groups.   Many of our clients plan to become volunteers when they are in a better situation. If you are on the fence about whether to volunteer or not “what are you waiting for?  Just do it.” Resources: If you are interested in getting involved as a volunteer, click here to learn more. If enjoyed the podcast and would like to support our work, click here to learn about becoming a donor. To access counselling for children, youth, and adults, email our intake counsellor intake@familyservices.bc.ca. Thrive Family Programs for parents of kids aged 0-6 are free of charge.  Virtual and outdoor options available.  To learn more, click here.

8. 

   15 Apr 2021

   Coping with Anxiety During a Pandemic

   Show Notes: Anxiety is a normal and important part of the human experience. The Covid-19 pandemic has caused a lot of anxiety in many people. Even people who pre-pandemic were quite even keeled, have felt anxiety during this time.  Sometimes it comes out in ways that do not seem to have anything to do with the pandemic, but many of us are under more stress than before, and for some, more stress than ever before. Anxiety can have positive aspects; a discomfort that gives the feeling of urgency- to study for a test or plan the details of a vacation or file your taxes on time. The shadow side of this is when anxiety and worry start to take over our lives. The purpose of anxiety is to keep us engaged and aware of our surroundings. The brain is always scanning the environment for danger.  It can not tell the difference between the threat of a tiger hiding in the grasses and the uncertainty of the pandemic. Over the past year, for some this ‘alarm system’ has been stuck on the ‘on’ position for long periods of time. These worries can start to compound quickly. One of the features of anxiety is that it is connected to the Stress Response (fight, flight, freeze). This Stress Response turns off the thinking part of the brain which makes it difficult to plan or think rationally about a situation. Anxiety can feel like butterflies in the stomach, racing thoughts, stomach issues, sweating, heart racing, feeling like we can’t catch our breath. The difference between panic and anxiety is that anxiety is like a slow-burn that grows over time. Panic is like going from zero to 100 in a millisecond.  It is a physiological response that can make people feel like they are dying (when they are not).  If someone is experiencing panic attacks they should see a doctor. Anxiety has a lot to do with wanting to control the uncontrollable. The human brain does not like uncertainty, and much of the pandemic has included changing ideas, uncertain public health orders, and many other adjustments to what we know.  It has changed most of our lives in significant ways. This feels very uncomfortable and the racing thoughts, physical tension, and rumination that goes along with it is in some ways an attempt by the brain to control the uncontrollable. One thing that can help is to “choose your guru.”  A leader who is trustworthy and helpful and whose expertise you can lean into.  In British Columbia, we have had  Dr. Bonnie Henry in that role for the pandemic period. Not everyone has experienced the pandemic in the same way. For people with a history of trauma (abuse, natural disaster, war) the similarities of the pandemic experience to their historical experience can feel overwhelming.  If this is happening for people they should consult with a mental health professional to untangle the present situation from the past situation. For people who are worried about what might happen in the future, when things start to open back up again, consider that we are all in this together and if you express your worries and concerns with others you will find that you are not alone in these concerns.  This helps to build a stronger sense of being part of the collective and helps us feel less isolated in our experience. Some things people can try to help their bodies calm from anxiety are to:  suck on an ice cube, do a butterfly hug (cross arms on their chest and lightly tap alternating shoulders, or cross hands on their knees and lightly tap alternately knees), counting colours (pick a colour in the room you are in or outside and count all the items in the room or close by and continue to choose a new colour until you feel more calm and in the present moment). Remember what Mr. Rogers’ mother said:  when things are scary in the world and it looks like all the bad things are happening, look for the helpers, they are there.

9. 

   8 Feb 2021

   Loving Our Bodies, Loving Ourselves during a Pandemic

   Show Notes: Diet culture is like the water we swim in, we are immersed and it is so hard to separate ourselves from it. Food has been a big focus during the pandemic. When we’re not able to actively engage in our normal routines we can start to feel differently about ourselves, and when that shifts, it’s no surprise that there are shifts in how we are relating to ourselves and to food. Without the normal markers of routine and-or structure, it can become difficult to regulate ourselves and our food intake.  This can look like over-control or lack of control which can lead to the development of more anxiety or nervousness around body image and food intake. When life is feeling chaotic one major thing we can control is what we put into our mouths, and this can then become a significant point of focus.  For instance, the thought may be:  “If the world is so uncertain in this giant upheaval the thing that’s making me feel safe is to do this thing [over eating/restricted eating] that gives me a sense of control”. Eating disorder symptoms can act like a coping mechanism to help a person feel more in control. Eating disorders thrive in secrecy, and with the isolation many are experiencing, the environment makes it ripe for behaviours to return.  This is why it is so important to stay connected with others in whatever way we can. Disordered eating and eating disorders exist on a spectrum of thoughts and behaviours regarding body image and weight. Eating disorders are typically noticed first by a friend or family member of the person exhibiting the disordered eating behaviours. If you are concerned about someone, try 'zooming out' on that person’s life, and try observing other behaviours.  For example- are they still interested in their usual activities, are they still socializing the same way, or are they isolating in new ways?  Has something changed in their life lately? You can say something like:  “I noticed you’re not socializing as much as you were before, has something happened? Can I help?" If the eating behaviours are challenged head on, it can make the person defensive, feel threatened, and could drive the behaviours into greater secrecy. If you are worried about your own eating behaviour – Embody offers a screening tool that helps people assess their relationship with food, and attitudes toward eating and body image. You can also zoom out on your life, for example where could you bring in some balance, do you need more sleep, more leisure, more social time, more time outdoors? Isolation and uncertainty can elevate triggers and behaviours for many.  The most important thing people can do is talk about it, reach out, connect with others, and name it.  Take advantage of new ways of connecting through technology during this challenging time. Many of us are consuming more social media right now than ever, and typically these platforms mainly offer the 'highlight reels' of peoples’ lives, and as a result set an unrealistic perspective. Just like animals and nature, we follow different cycles and as the world changes, so do we.  Our bodies and eating behaviours change with the seasons.  We naturally ebb and flow just like everything else on this planet.  Allow yourself some grace as you move through. Resources: To learn more about Embody - the story behind the program and the range of resources available to you, click here to visit our website. To access counselling for children, youth, and adults, email our intake counsellor intake@familyservices.bc.ca. If you are interested in getting involved as a volunteer, click here to learn more. If enjoyed the podcast and would like to support our work, click here to learn about becoming a donor.

10. 

    15 Jan 2021

    Parenting During a Pandemic

    Show Notes: There is no magic pandemic parenting that needs to happen. It does not make us better parents if we feel bad about ourselves as parents and compare ourselves to others, thinking they are better than us. When we feel shame about ourselves as parents we are preoccupied with ourselves and we are not connecting with our child. We can miss out on our own kids’ unique needs when we are trying to match what others are doing. If we do something that's not that great as a parent, we can stay connected with ourselves, stay connected with our child, and we can repair what we’ve said or done. If we are starting to see a pattern coming out with our kids and you know in your heart that this is not the kind of parent you want to be, that's the time to ask for some help. Many parents are using distractions, like eating, alcohol, screen-time to help deal with the anxiety brought on by the pandemic.  If you’re doing that a lot it is likely not a great coping strategy. It is avoidance. The basics for healthy coping are to talk with someone else about your feelings, get some physical exercise, remove yourself from the place in which the unhealthy coping is happening. Kids notice when parents are stressed and having a hard time. You can be honest with your kids about the situation and also the ways in which you are solving it.  This sends the message life can be hard and we can get through hard things together. The silver lining of the pandemic is that kids are learning that they can get through difficult experiences and still be ok.  So, the next time they encounter a difficulty they can look back and say “I survived that hard time, and I can do it again.” Resources: To access counselling for children, youth, and adults, email our intake counsellor intake@familyservices.bc.ca. Thrive Family Programs for parents of kids aged 0-6 are free of charge.  Virtual and outdoor options available.  To learn more, click here. If you are interested in getting involved as a volunteer, click here to learn more. If enjoyed the podcast and would like to support our work, click here to learn about becoming a donor.

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