Put The Bucket In The Bucket

About Put The Bucket In The Bucket

Your life works. So why doesn't it feel like it? Most people spend their lives chasing happiness, success, love, healing, purpose, or enlightenment. Stop chasing. Start listening. PTBITB is a conversation between two brothers exploring emotional survival, loneliness, identity, fear, awakening, and the stories we mistake for ourselves. No gurus. No self-help hacks. Just the conversation you have with yourself at 3am—out loud. If you've built a good life and still feel something is missing, welcome.

Publisher

Gareth and Noel

Category

education

Language

en

Explicit

No

First episode

12 Jun 2026

Latest episode

21 Oct 2026

Latest episodes

10 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   21 Oct 2026

   S1/E10: Sky Above, Great Wind

   Two brothers discover that when the body finishes its work, what remains isn't enlightenment—it's relief. And that on the far side of grief there's more grief, one generation deeper than either of them knew. In this episode: The fifth anniversary of dad's death: a quiet day, then the day after—an hour of good memories arriving on their own. Then bedtime meditation, and pain in the heart: "Here it is. Here's the thing." A hand reaching down into it, pulling out a black cube where "all of the corners are very very pointy like thorns" The surprise underneath: "No, it's to do with mum's grief"—and the maternal grandfather who died one month before Gareth was born. "You've known these facts, but you haven't felt it. And today is the day you're gonna feel it all the way down." The stiletto-heel pain that refused to let him sleep it off. The conveyor belt dream: crawling inside a blocked belt and unblocking it—"everything started moving. Which was the emotional release" The body keeps you honest: "your mind can think whatever it wants... but your body is going to say, no, no. You can string your body along for a while, but at some point it's going to fight back. It might put you into bed. It might put you on the floor" Noel's hiding in plain sight: "I was waiting at home for our father to come"—because he didn't turn up when he was supposed to. "If I leave the house... I might miss something"—a desire to stay home that only amplified with the kids The toilet dream: a roofless bathroom, strangers watching kindly, a twenty-second fart and no shame—"process the s**t in you, quite literally and figuratively" The slug: decades of hip tension, weeks of agony—then on retreat, giving the right hip the green light: "a muscle repositioning itself... like a slug the size of my forearm crawling over my hip with spikes on it." Cleared by attention, not stretching: "it's just pure pent up emotion" Unbound awareness: the childlike panic that came with it—every sound like a tiger behind a bush—and then letting go of the microphone of attention: "a noise happened over there and the awareness of it was over there as well. It wasn't a noise and an observer. It was actually just one thing" The moment itself: at the last bell, opening his eyes on the pinprick stars in the black curtains—"I realized that I was the blackness between the stars. The feeling of me was not here anymore". The mirror: "Look at yourself in the mirror and keep doing it until you realize there isn't a mirror, which is what you just experienced"—and the river meeting the sea: "you just hit the sea. You're in a different world" Nothing behind it: "a number in your bank account, it's just a thought... a bigger house is just a thought, there's nothing behind it"—and Wile E. Coyote smashing into the painted tunnel: "that's not what you're seeing. It's just light and shadow" Learning to draw by unlearning: "There are no lines... It's just a transition of intensity"—and knowing a drawing is wrong by feeling, not looking: "My body tells me that's not it" The book: Sky Above Great Wind, Zen Master Ryokan, bought at random after lamenting that you don't get random discovery anymore—and Gareth's response: "Nothing happens by chance, Noel. That's why you bought it" This isn't a teaching on grief or a mystical playbook. It's two brothers finding that the thing they'd been doing for years—sitting with what hurts until it moves—actually works, that it works in the body and not in the mind, and that what's on the other side isn't enlightenment, it's relief.For this week: Find one thing in your body right now—a tension, an ache, a place you avoid putting attention on. Put your attention there for five minutes. Don't stretch it, don't fix it, don't interpret it. Just let it have its say. The body will tell you stuff. Whether you want to know the thing or not.

2. 

   14 Oct 2026

   S1/E9: Silence Is A feeling

   Two brothers discover that when the triggers finally fall away, what fills the space is silence—and that silence is a feeling you have to be willing to sit in. In this episode: The opening image: when you're no longer triggered, "there's a silence that you haven't heard before... the sound of the whirring of your own mind just isn't filling that gap"—and it can be "a little bit unnerving, a little bit almost sad. There's just nothing" Silence as feeling: "even though maybe you were filling it with something that wasn't great, still feels sad somehow. A little sadness"—what's left when the noise you ran on for years goes quiet Gareth's morning: the get up, get dressed, shoes on, go out pattern running from childhood—walking to the train station before realizing he didn't need to go anywhere. "I bought a train ticket and now I'm not going on the train" The distinction that matters: "It wasn't a sadness that the autopilot was trying to hide me from. This was a sadness after I'd let go of it"—grieving the thing that controlled him for years, even after it stopped being negative Noel's other side of the coin: the strong need to stay home, "a tremendous amount of guilt for going out"—and the childhood scene underneath it: mum asking "Gareth, Gareth and I are gonna go out... Do you want to come, Noel? And I would say no"—wrapping himself in "a cocoon of tense... and having huge anxiety" The realization that hits live on tape: "Holy moly. This is really touching into something I had no idea. It just hit me"—someone is going out and leaving me, and "the fear that you're out there doing things without me is like I need to control that fear. And I can only control it if I know what you're doing" Maybe it's a father thing: "our father left and we have to stay because we don't know when he'll be coming, 'cause sometimes he didn't come" Why he jumped out of bed at 5:30 for years: "it's an emotion that I don't want to feel. Like if I stay in bed, I'll be sad" The barrier of awareness: "you've spent your whole life kind of just looking at yourself... your awareness is only ever turned inwards"—and approaching the seeming barrier of turning it outward triggers "a huge fear reaction, huge panic reaction, and also a deep sadness" Gareth's side of the same childhood: going out with mum, "stepping into the role of being an adult when I shouldn't have been in that role"—"I don't think I was out looking for dad. Whereas you were kind of at home maybe waiting for him" The Michael Rosen poem: the last page of a kids' poetry book, the picture about parents going away and not coming back—age four or five, and "it really stayed with me heavily, given what happened afterwards" The double bind named: "I didn't want to be out and I didn't want to be home"—guilt while out doing things for decades, whether for himself or necessities. "But the guilt went a few years ago and almost completely gone" And the reminder, one more time, because by now you've heard it: "these things can go, you can get rid of them, feel them through, like we said a hundred times, find out what's underneath" This isn't a guide to breaking habits or a meditation on morning routines. It's two brothers realizing they spent a lifetime running opposite directions from the same wound—one out the door every morning, one refusing to leave the house—and that when the running finally stopped, the silence underneath was a feeling. Sad, a little unnerving, and real.For this week: Notice one thing you do automatically every day—the getting up, the going out, the staying in. Don't change it. Ask what it's protecting you from feeling. Then sit in the silence where the autopilot used to be. Not as emptiness. As a feeling. Feel it through. You've heard it a hundred times now. Feel it.

3. 

   7 Oct 2026

   S1/E8: Permission

   Two brothers discover that permission isn't something you earn—it's something you give yourself when you stop negotiating with reality and trust the body to resolve what's been held. In this episode: The concept that opens it: "you realize how much you were juicing it. Like juicing anger. Juicing guilt. Like you were gaining something from it. Letting go has sadness because you realize you can't juice it anymore" Noel's trigger work method: "get triggered, step one... write it down from every angle and find the loopholes in your logic... lie down and really feel it to the point of letting yourself get super sad or super angry"—15 minutes every day, "giving yourself permission and also giving the body permission" The breakthrough: "the story kind of detaches from what the body's doing and then it just becomes like bodily reaction"—and "the next time you walk in and find the dishwasher not done, it doesn't bother you at all and the story's gone" Noel's threshold: "allowing yourself to be guided"—after struggling with therapy as "a negotiation with the ego," finally "trusting that the body needs to process things. And the stories are not important" Gareth's kingfisher drawing—June 22nd, 2022, first drawing since childhood: "it felt extremely freeing... it took me a couple of years to realize but that kingfisher symbolized to me permission... permission to show myself to myself" Noel's parallel symbols: running by a pond with paired bottles hanging from branches and a tree marked with number 8, seeing a kingfisher there—"it all came together somehow"—he wrote: "here is where I come to fruition. This is where I will come to my final rest upon liberation" Heart pain for three years: "real heartache... pain in the heart area that I just sat in and just let it and just didn't look away from it. And it's physical pain"—along with hip tension he's had "for as long as I can remember" that's "just kind of gone now. Which is bizarre" Surrender that isn't yours: "you're not the one who surrenders. You can't surrender. But if you trust that if you just sit in your body and let the emotions turn into physical sensations and let those physical sensations run without the stories then somehow it resolves itself" Opposing emotions simultaneously: "I remember feeling angry, like really angry and feeling it in my jaw... but my heart was absolutely burning with love at exactly the same time"—anger in jaw and hands, love in heart, "just like the rain and the sun that was happening a few seconds ago" Creation without judgment: "whatever gets created, regardless of what you think about it, is exactly what it needs to be"—it may be "garbage from your ego's point of view, but it's exactly what needed to be said" The body burning through layers: "you clear one thing and the pain goes and you think, finally that's gone. But then you make space for the next thing to come up... it can just be relentless as the body just goes through the layers, burning it off" This isn't a guide to becoming less reactive or a manual for managing your triggers. It's two men realizing that after years of trying to negotiate with their stories, the only way through was giving themselves permission to let the body do what it needs to do—and that whatever gets created from that space, whether drawings, screams, or tears, is exactly right. For this week: What permission are you still waiting for someone else to give you? Write it down. Then give yourself that permission—for 15 minutes today. Let yourself feel the thing you've been juicing. Let your body do what it does without the story. See what happens when you stop asking for approval to feel.

4. 

   30 Sept 2026

   S1/E7: No More Stories

   Two brothers discover that once you've found the lies, you eventually find that the storyteller itself has to go—and that letting go is softer than the fight that brought you here. In this episode: Noel's trigger work: writing down what happened from his perspective, his partner's perspective, and the core belief—but the breakthrough comes when he stops trying to logic his way out and just feels it in the body The insight that lands: "None of them are true. Nothing is true that can be described. That's a fact. Accept it. Shut up."—and the hard part is "actually physiologically not believing words anymore" Colors as a scam: Greeks had no word for blue, cultures in forests have many greens we don't see—"what you see and you think is blue isn't blue"—all words are literally made up The body plan is a scam: "when I think of me, it feels like it's here in my chest"—but Noel's placement differs from Gareth's (he brings everything into his head), proving "it's a hundred percent a scam" Noel's experiences of the "me" dissolving: "an octopus had just put on human skin," disembodied thoughts during retreat, and a smiling body but "I wasn't involved... the body was happy. And I was like, what is going on" Gareth's parallel moment: reading a book when "it just came to me, there's nothing to know about"—his body smiled but the mental image inside wasn't, "it felt like a mask. And it felt like the most pure smile and the first smile I'd ever had in my life" The fertile space: "there's that minute space in between" feeling the trigger and going into the story—"Do you want to go down that route?" The fear underneath: "afraid of being angry in case you hurt someone's feelings"—but Gareth points out Noel has been angry on the podcast without him ever knowing: "Anger is anger and hurting other people's feelings is hurting other people's feelings. They're different things" Sensation stripped bare: "it's just like a tension down the spine that kind of travels up and travels down... it's like a shockwave... it's just energy. It's like restlessness" Forgiveness that wasn't: Gareth at the breakfast table in 2022, staring at the dregs of a coffee cup, a finger in his mind's eye rotating around everyone else until it pointed back at him—"the thought came up, it's you. And I was like, yeah. And then it released" The aftermath: "almost couldn't be bothered to talk about it anymore... I've got to go and clean the cars... like whatever"—a twenty-three-year story gone, "no fireworks, no great revelation... It's just quiet" The mechanism: "You've tried everything. You go into the wordless space that has no more thought. And it's resolved. And you don't know how. And it's mysterious" Letting go is soft: after years of pushing hard, the realization that "the fight is over for both of us. And what a relief. What a relief. Thank God it's over"—surrender instead of effort, "give yourself the love of a father and give yourself the love of a mother" The final twist: "No more stories. Which is itself a story. So that one eats itself" This isn't a guide to becoming peaceful or a manual for transcending emotions. It's two men realizing that after years of fighting their stories, the only way through was to stop fighting altogether—and that the wordless silence that remains isn't an achievement, it's just what's already happening. For this week: What story are you telling yourself about why you can't feel something? Write down the story. Then don't try to change it or logic your way out. Just feel the place in your body where it's held. Let the energy ripple through without naming it. See what happens when you stop needing the story to be true.

5. 

   14 Aug 2026

   S1/E6: The Lies We Tell Ourselves

   Two brothers discover that the reasons you give yourself for not feeling are lies—and that the deepest one of all is buried under everything you think you know about love. In this episode: Gareth's reframe that opens it: "The reason becomes a lie." Reasons for not feeling, based on the past, become irrelevant—but you maintain them anyway, and maintaining them costs you everything Noel's residual lies exposed through art: sharing deeply personal AI-generated images and receiving fear and rejection. The lie underneath: "you tell yourself you're not whole. You're not a complete being" The complex dynamic named honestly: "a wound of wanting to help, of feeling like you see something that others don't see"—and the lie hiding inside the helping: "The lie is that I have to absorb it. That I have to take responsibility for that pain and hold on to it and transform it" Radical accountability as the way through: "Anything that I think I'm seeing outside of myself is happening inside myself. The lie is that they are outside of me. 'If only they would just' is just 'if only I would just'" Gareth's kitchen: gripping a granite worktop so hard his forearms hurt for three days—anger he was never allowed to show, channeled into stone because "ninety-five percent of it is actually just being channeled through my neurons from the past" Noel's response—sitting with anger in the chest, arms, feet, hips while Gareth speaks: "I'm really welling up for that little boy. That poor little boy" The innocence at the bottom: "Everyone thinks they're innocent and everyone is acting from innocence. To assume otherwise does a great injustice to your own healing process"—responsible but not to blame Noel's meditation phrases surfacing from nowhere: "Don't care what you think"—aimed at their father who told him he'd have an unhappy life. Then: "Shut up,". Letting it burn through without fighting it Gareth's low point—February 2023: putting his son to bed, then "the air just got sucked out of the room." The thought: "Where's your family?" The emergency video call. The lie of escape: "You're putting something on them that isn't here. It's from your path" Six hundred and twenty days of crying. Hundreds of times drilling: "Why am I feeling shame? What is the burden? I will not rest until I find the thing" Noel's reframe: "For me, you've hardly changed at all." The sellotape metaphor—we've spent our whole lives searching for the end of the sellotape, and now we found it. "Everything that is you is immutable" The deepest lie—the one at the bottom of the stack: "the lie that dad loved me." Not because it was false, but because it was conditional in his mind—"If Dad loves me, then why is this happening?" Doubt chained to love. Burning it and replacing it with: "Of course he loved me. In his own way" Noel's mirror: being told he was "a hard person to love" and knowing "conditionality on love is a scam"—but not realizing how deep it goes until you see the filters everywhere, even on your own children Love equalizing: when conditions drop, love for your child and the quiet ease looking at a pot plant start to level—and the fear that you've become indifferent, when really "the sun is still shining. You've just put on sunglasses because it's too bright" This isn't a guide to radical honesty or a playbook for excavating your patterns. It's two men discovering that the lies they maintained weren't protecting them from pain—they were the pain, and the deepest one was hiding in the place they least expected: wrapped around the word "love" and chained to a boy who couldn't understand why it hurt. For this week: What reason are you giving yourself for not feeling something? Write it down. Then ask: is this reason from now, or from the past? If it's from the past, it may have become a lie. Don't tear it down yet. Just look at it. See what it's chained to.

6. 

   21 Jul 2026

   S1/E5: Nowhere To Go

   Two brothers confront what happens when your survival strategies collapse, and realize there's nowhere to run except deeper into the overwhelm. In this episode: Gareth reveals his version of "cutting the cord": "My nowhere to go was into the overwhelm"—choosing to dive into the abyss because all other programs sent him back to spinning plates The image that defines it: "I took off all of my clothes, picked up a sword and jumped in"—confronting the gaping hole of darkness without anyone holding his hand The brutal admission: Noel admits "I wasn't there for you" because Gareth didn't ask for help, and it took a year for Gareth to even articulate the overwhelm Why wanting someone to hold your hand "on the way into the abyss is actually denying yourself the intensity required because you are on your own going into it"—and why "wanting someone else to do it for you is the enemy of truth" The two-year silence: Gareth consciously chose not to speak to Noel because "I wasn't going to hold your hand"—a break that lasted "more like two years" Noel's revelation with a parking coin: staring at an inanimate object until "all labels attached to it drop away" and "the emotion of that's mine just had nowhere to go"—emotions melting into raw sensation Their fundamental divergence: Gareth learned to label emotions accurately to find release ("when you label something correctly, there can be an emotional step"), while Noel argues "Freedom comes in realizing that the label is a prison"—searching for labels is still searching, still trapped The therapy breakthrough that changed everything: "You can't help how you feel"—Noel: "You're off the hook"—Gareth: "I was like, are you telling me there's nothing anyone in the universe can do to control this? And she said no. Why the f*** did no one ever tell me this before?" The choice that reframes everything: "Better to feel the [pain] and live than to be a waking emotional zombie"—Noel: "Choosing life is letting it [be felt]" How it transforms tasks: when energy stops going in the wrong direction, "it takes the energy out of tasks, which makes them not feel like you're spinning plates"—picking things up or leaving them sits "completely fine" The house of cards metaphor: "You can't admit one part of it otherwise the whole thing comes down and you'd have to feel the thing that's at the bottom"—but Noel counters: "The house of cards falls by itself. Don't look at the house of cards" The origin of "put the bucket in the bucket" explained: Gareth's identity was the bucket—all roles and tasks went in it until "my identity was built around don't be like dad, but he doesn't exist anymore... I had to put the bucket in the bucket and my brain divided by zero and everything just started burning" This isn't a map for navigating grief or a system for managing overwhelm. It's two men discovering that their biggest split came from the same wound—one needed to feel it all by diving in alone, the other needed to stop feeling anything at all—until the only way forward was to stare at what remains when everything falls away. For this week: Notice one task you're avoiding not because it's hard, but because finishing it would close a loop you've been using to protect yourself from something underneath. Sit with that protection. Feel what's behind it. Don't fix it yet. Just let it be there.

7. 

   7 Jul 2026

   S1/E4: Keep The Plates Spinning

   Two brothers reveal why it's harder to put the plates down than it is to keep them spinning—the real weight isn't the tasks, it's the fear underneath. In this episode: Gareth's story of 2022: grief so heavy that buying an annual train ticket felt impossible—"I walked past that ticket machine five days a week and thought, I can't get the annual ticket. It's too much." Two years of daily clicks because the weight of planning the future was unbearable. The moment the illusion breaks: "There aren't any plates spinning. There's things that you're doing and you're attaching an emotion to it, which is an entirely separate thing." Buying a ticket and scrolling your phone are procedurally identical. The survival strategy exposed: "What are you getting out of staying in overwhelm?" Keeping the plates spinning isn't an accident—it's protection. The weight stays because letting go feels more dangerous than carrying it. Two different paths through the same pain: Noel reached "the end of seeking" at the beginning; Gareth went into the hole for years doing shadow work before landing there. "That's the thing that has really separated us through the last four years." The cost of that separation: "Everything I was saying to you was me trying to say, I need help. And everything you said to me was perceived to be no." And the brutal ending: "I was looking for someone you were not. And the me that was looking, I didn't want anymore." This isn't a productivity framework or a decluttering guide. It's two men uncovering how the mundane—train tickets, pencil cases, washing on the floor—is where the deepest emotional architecture hides, and how the fear of emptiness keeps the plates spinning long after they've stopped serving. For this week: Notice one task you keep leaving open—a pen not put away, a message not answered, a loop not closed. Don't fix it. Ask yourself what staying overwhelmed is protecting you from.

8. 

   3 Jul 2026

   S1/E3: Waiting To Be Chosen

   Two brothers trace the breaking point that follows grief when your old survival strategies collapse—and discover there's no solution on the outside for what's happening on the inside. In this episode: Gareth's breaking point after their father died: he walked home numb, "almost like I was drunk," lay down in a car park unable to move, and asked himself: "I know he's dead, but why the hell does it hurt so much?" He'd known the end was coming. The pain didn't care. The revelation that dismantled everything: "There is no solution on the outside that helps you or that actually finds the root of what's happening on the inside." His carefully crafted survival toolkit—decades in the making—was "obliterated" within an hour. The question that reframes losing control: "The question was not have I lost control? The question was what is actually in control?" His body took charge and said: "you're gonna have to figure out something new because we're not doing that again." The roles they'd lived inside for decades: Gareth as the "father figure" watching out for Noel, making sure stress didn't reach the household. Noel calling him out: "You were always the one. An emotional crutch for both parents and the information go-between to me." Noel as the "crash test dummy" for emotional safety—and Gareth's confession: "I didn't want to learn them from you because I knew I should have learnt them from Dad." The lessons Noel was inadvertently teaching were the ones their father never did. Why both brothers studied physics: not passion but survival. Gareth copied their grandfather and was "looking for the truth" because "when we grew up there was no truth." Noel found it "cozy and safe—in the bosom of the attempt to model reality in a way that produces predictable results." Noel's only auditory hallucination: a woman's voice behind him on the sofa saying "no one's going to help you." Not scary but "a revelation as much as it was a punch in the gut." And the wordplay that followed: "no one" isn't just a statement about isolation—it's the answer. Waiting to be chosen as the deepest pattern: "There is a waiting to be chosen to be loved... and there's a doubt that I can be loved." The distinction that changes everything: what Noel called shame was actually doubt. And the choice to keep going anyway: "choosing myself means embracing all parts of you. Self-expression. It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be me." This isn't a framework for processing grief. It's two men tracing the exact moment their carefully constructed selves stopped working—and what they found underneath when the tools ran out. For this week: Where are you waiting to be chosen instead of choosing yourself? Write it down privately. Then decide: will you act on that awareness, or keep waiting?

9. 

   24 Jun 2026

   S1/E2: The World We Built

   Two brothers unpack how the worlds we build can become prisons—and what happens when those structures stop working. In this episode: Why studying physics was a survival strategy more than passion—for both of them Noel's devastating description of his sense of self: "A small black and white picture of a little boy in a small dark room just whimpering in the corner on the cold concrete floor" The moment Noel told Gareth: "I don't like you"—and how finally saying hate out loud led to relief instead of ruin Cutting the cord visualization against a weight pulling toward a black hole—the moment choosing life meant letting go of the delusion Why sending birthday cards became impossible when love-by-proxy felt fake The real cost isn't losing achievements—it's years of not being emotionally free Closing wisdom from another collector: "The world is full of rings—you get hooked. Straighten your hooks." This isn't advice from outside looking in. It's two men who went through their own breaking points, picking apart the loops that kept them trapped while convincing themselves nothing was wrong. For this week: Notice where you're running a loop that doesn't serve you anymore. Don't fight it. Just sit with the thing underneath it and feel it through.

10. 

    12 Jun 2026

    S1/E1: The End Of World Building

    Two brothers begin recording conversations that have no plan, no structure, and no guarantee of where they'll lead—but the urgency to start is undeniable. In this episode: The tenuous origins of the project itself—how one brother asked the other if he wanted to be on his podcast, and the simple "yes" that launched everything Noel names the core ache that drove him to agree: "I have had the overwhelming desire for you to understand me for as long as I can remember"—a hole that cannot be filled First attempts to define "Put the Bucket in the Bucket"—admitting upfront that even the hosts don't know what it means yet The shared diagnosis: both men "adept at world building" to give themselves security in lives that knew emotional safety in the physical world but not the emotional Four years into awakening journeys on different paths—Noel describes theirs as a yo-yo, while others simply drop away into emptiness Gareth's recent experience walking home through rain and flashing storm warnings realizing: the warning was there, the storm was real, but he wasn't—the self-reference loop collapsed into oblivion Raw description of vulnerability as physical sensation—"like a knife right here on my gut"—not thought, not metaphor, pure exposure Noel explores loneliness, labeling (starting with a water bottle), and the addiction to seeking connection without arriving The phenomenology work that emerged accidentally—perceiving distance, time, colour being constructed layer by layer rather than given Agreement to keep showing up Sunday at 2 o'clock, unstructured, collecting materials to shape later A closing promise: we have to talk about death. Life. Trapped emotions. Horror attacks. Enlightenment experiences. All of it will surface eventually This isn't a polished launch. It's two men starting something unfinished because the alternative—continuing the world building they're exhausted from—is worse than stepping into the unknown together. For this week: Notice when you're searching for something without intending to arrive. Don't judge yourself for stopping short. Just sit with that pattern long enough to feel its texture.

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