Retrospective Rants

About Retrospective Rants

I write, I rant, and sometimes there's thought to it. All sorts of topics from big questions to small nerdy stuff. Beyond that, we hope you'll enjoy our content, and that wherever you're listening from: Have a Good One. joeyh1996.substack.com (https://joeyh1996.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast)

Publisher

JoeyH

Category

arts · comedy

Language

en

Explicit

Yes

First episode

5 Aug 2020

Latest episode

23 Oct 2026

Latest episodes

54 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   23 Oct 2026

   Goodbye rant for Bioware.

   This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit joeyh1996.substack.com (https://joeyh1996.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

2. 

   19 Jul 2026

   Joseph Huff's PERFECTED Iliad.

   Retrospective Rants “Iliad” Script. Intro: Welcome to Retrospective Rants! With me, Joey Huff, as your host. (whispers) Why no opening sketch? Because life is a comedy sketch. And because I’ve decided to get on the olde bandwagon, the “adaptation” bandwagon. The blinders have been pulled from my eyes, and I understand that the classic Greek legends of old must be cleansed and remade for the ever glorious and ever infallible modern audience. Behold as I summarize to you: Joseph Huff’s Iliad. First topic is the format. Movies are the way of the past. And unfortunately, too few people can see the benefits of watching thousands of short form clips in a single sitting. If you meet such an individual, be sure to pity them. Thus, my epic will told in 9 25-minute episodes. Why not 45 minutes or an hour? That’s a good question. First Episode: Instead of Helen starting out as the most beautiful woman in the world, she’s gonna be a total girl-failure, and she hates her responsibilities as princess of Sparta and is so done with her family. Because they won’t shut up about how her sister, Penelope, scored a hot boyfriend named Odysseus. All Helen wants is to build a laser cannon, just like her pen pal, Archimedes. But no one takes her seriously, because she only wear pajama robes, her hair is all messy, there’s always grease and food on her clothes, and sometimes she forgets to shower. It’s just too much effort. But she’s still the eldest princess of Sparta and she must marry a prince. On her 18th birthday, all the heroes and kings of Greece come to Sparta to woo the girl-failure. Not because they like her, but because most of them want a shot at Gerard Butler, I mean Leonidas. When they discover that Leonidas won’t be born for a few centuries, a riot breaks out. But Odysseus comes up with a plan. He gives Helen a total makeover, and she looks so hot that she turns all the Greek Kings bisexual. But now, all of them want Helen. So, to prevent another riot, Odysseus makes them all promise to share Helen on different days of the month. And if anyone tries to get with her on unassigned day, the other heroes will kill him. The proposal is accepted, and among all the heroes present, Menelaus is chosen as the husband. Why? Because Menelaus is also a big nerd, and he wants to build a laser cannon too. So, Helen and Menelaus marry, and she decides to only wear her total makeover fit for him. Thus, disgusting all the other suitors, and convincing them to leave her to Menelaus. 2nd Episode: The gods are having a big party but nobody invited Eris, goddess of Chaos. In retaliation, she crashes the party and serves all the women Pumpkin Spice Lattes, until there’s only one left. But the bottle and straw are cursed, so that only the most beautiful goddess can drink from it. Artemis, Hestia, Demeter, and Persephone are pretty sure they could just gather a bunch of ingredients and make enough Pumpkin Spice for everyone. But their mix skills aren’t up to snuff. So, the snobbier goddess: Aphrodite, Athena, and Hera continue to fight over the last latte. None of the gods want to get involved, but Zeus is tired of hearing about Pumpkin Spice. So he points at a random mortal, Paris of Troy, who’s stalking sheep for…reasons best left unsaid, and tells the goddesses “ask that idiot to choose the hottest goddess.” The three basic goddesses ambush Paris before he can do something horrific, and offer him different gifts if only they’ll choose them as most beautiful and most deserving of the pumpkin spice. Hera offers him all of Asia, Athena promises to teach him how to work Excell, but Aphrodite knows that Paris is a freaky-deeky boy and promises to teach him dancing moves so stylish and sexy that no woman, or sheep, can resist him. Paris agrees to the last one, and Aphrodite claims the final pumpkin spice. But it’s been in that cup for weeks at this point so it’s nasty. Armed with his new dance moves, Paris solves the Trojan Population Crisis, and his father, King Priam, reluctantly acknowledges him as a true prince. Hector, the eldest prince thinks his brother needs to do some actual work, so he sends him on a diplomatic mission to Sparta. After all, Helen, Queen of Sparta, is so mid that Paris wouldn’t even think of seducing her. Right? 3rd episode: Unfortunately, Paris arrived on the Spartan Monarch’s date night, and he sees Helen all dressed up and sexy. Paris starts dancing, and Helen is powerless against the sheer rizz before her. The new couple flees Sparta, leaving Menelaus with the check. Menelaus invokes the agreement that all the Greeks signed, reminding them that if he has no wife, Gerard But-I mean Leonidas will never be born. All the Greek kings rush to his aid, and Athena and Hera promise all manner of blessings and boons on the condition that Troy burns. But the boats can’t sail to Troy. Because the wind is still. You see, Aphrodite told Artemis that she actually loved her homemade Pumpkin Spice and it was only Athena and Hera who hated it. So Artemis is keeping the wind out of the Greek sails as payback. Agamemnon, older brother of Menelaus and most senior king among the Greeks, decides that the only way to save a girl-failure is to sacrifice another girl-failure. He decides that the best candidate would be Iphigenia, his own daughter. The other Greeks don’t think he has the balls to do it, so they’re all like “go ahead, we dare you!”. But he calls their bluff and tries to burn his daughter. Athena is so horrified by this act that she kills Agamemnon and makes his daughter the new leader of the Greeks. The heroes think Iphigenia is silly name though, so they just call her Agamemnon II and sail off to Troy. Episode 4: Some charlatans will try and convince you that Homer’s decision to set the Iliad in the final year of a ten year war had some point to. Something about the cost of war, or longing for home or whatever. Those people are liars! Obviously, Homer made a huge oversight by skipping over ten years worth of content, I mean story, and I alone can correct it! On the way to Troy, Achilles meets Patroclus. Now there’s a lot of controversy surrounding Patroclus. Some people say he’s Achilles’ brother or cousin. Other people who’ve never had real friends insist that Achilles would never get angry about Patroclus’ death unless they were fucking. But the enlightened few, such as myself, know the truth. Patroclus and Achille were Legendary, Greek figures, therefore they were related and fucking. And my epic retelling will spread that truth. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Achilles meets Patroclus, his cousin-brother-lover, on the way to Troy. They haven’t seen each other in years and Patroclus says: “I’m stuck on the Reef, come help me out cousin-brother-lover-senpai”. And Achilles obliges. Meanwhile in Troy, Helen is tired of cleaning wool out of her new bedroom. But Aphrodite teaches Paris new dance moves keeping the queen of Sparta in a state of mad lust. Helen also discovers that the real Hector has been dead for years. His wife Andromache has been running around disguised as him and going on all sorts of adventures. She’ll fight big lions, exterminate armies of goat people, tutor young Socrates, and watch a German Opera in one sitting. Very feats indeed. Until finally, the Greeks arrive in Present day. Episode 5: At last we’re at the Trojan war. But because we blew most of the budget on Pumpkin Spice, we have to save what little money for the final episodes. We’re gonna take a bunch of close stills of random extras sitting around a campfire, and they’re going to talk about how horrible the fighting has been. It’s genius. Then we’ll break to the Greek Kings dividing the spoils. Only for Covid to hit, because none of them obeyed Apollo’s Mask Mandate. Thus the sun god is punishing them for their sins. And the only way to fix everything, is another human sacrifice. Now some of you might wonder why a human sacrifice would change anything when hundreds of people die every day in the war. And you know what? That’s a good question. Anyway, Agamemnon II says that they need to kill Briseis, a member of Achilles’ polycule. The Greek Queen claims this is for the gods, but really, she’s just mad because Achilles not only refused to attend her weekly orgy, but set up a competing one on the other side of war camp. And all the cool Greeks went to that one instead of hers. Thus earning her enmity. Achilles recognizes this as a personal attack and declares that he will not fight alongside his countrymen unless Agamemnon II apologizes. Which she refuses to do. Episode 6: The Greeks and Trojans form their battle lines and Paris presents an idea. He and Menelaus will duel, and the victor will take Helen. The Spartan King is surprised, but accepts. Unfortunately, Paris meant a dance duel. And before the power of the trojan prince’s groovy voodoo, Menelaus falters. Then a portal to the future opens and Chris Tucker comes through to teach Menelaus how to dance like Michael Jackson. With his new arsenal, Menelaus styles all over Paris and not even Aphrodite can save him from the shame. But she does teleport him away from the battle and put him back with Helen. She saw the dance battle from afar though and witnessing Menelaus’ skills give her resistance to Paris’ inferior groove. This anger’s Paris, who sentences her to herd his very personal herd of sheep. The Greeks call Paris a cheater and a crybaby and begin their on Troy. Episode 7: The fighting continues, but neither side gains the upper hand. For the Greeks, Odysseus uses his anti-material rifle to no scope dozens of Trojan healers, but Ajax and Diomedes don’t have enough piercing resistance to make it past the Trojan archers. Meanwhile, Andromache, who everyone still thinks is Hector, promises Zeus that she’ll discover the Americas and bring hundreds of big booty Latinas to Mt. Olympus. This sways Zeus, and he buffs the Trojans with Lightning damage while also promising great punishment to any God who would get in the way of his search for Brazilian babes. But Hera runs to Japan and brings back vintage tentacle “art” that distracts Zeus long enough for the Greeks to escape. Wanting to save face, Zeus bans all the gods from participating in the war. And goes to Japan to make a custom order. Poseidon defies him and provides the Greeks with designer energy drinks, hydrating them and giving them the power to continue fighting. In response, Andromache sneaks around the Greek lines and starts burning their boats re-crippling the Grecian moral. Achilles’ cousin-brother-lover-chan, Patroclus, asks Achilles for his Power Armor, that way he can pretend to be Achilles and lead the Greeks to victory. Achilles says “yeah-sure-whatever” and Patroclus, the cousin-brother-lover-chan-kun, enters the fray. Unfortunately, Patroclus, the cousin-brother-lover-chan-kun-kohai, doesn’t have enough class levels to activate all the armor’s special abilities, so Andromache is able to use battle master maneuvers to trip him up and steal his armor. But Patroclus can’t believe his luck, as he’s been wanting to get away from his clingy cousin-brother-lover-chan-kun-senpai, for years now. So, he convinces Andromache to help fake his death and leave. She obliges and tells everyone that she killed Patroclus and took his armor. This makes Achilles mad. Episode 8: Achilles complains to his mom about his stolen armor and his dead cousin-brother-lover-chan-kun-kohai-san. And she persuades Hephaestus to make her son a new set of plus 5 power armor. Achilles takes this new armor and proceeds to kick the shit out of all the trojans. Andromache tries to save her troops, but is unable to access her new armor’s deeper functions without a password. Achilles gives her the password to armor and offers to one-v-one. Priam, Paris, Aphrodite, and even Helen warn Andromache that this is clearly a trap, and she ought to run. But the Trojan Heroine knows that her husband would have stood his ground, and she takes the offer. Andromache puts up a good fight, but Achilles beats her all the same. He then hangs her from the walls of Troy and forces her to watch as starts massacring the Trojans. Not even the younglings will survive. Odysseus sees this and realizes the cost of war. And decides that he needs to end the Trojan War, not for honor, but for you. You being his wife and child and especially his dog. So, he unveils his final trick, A giant flying Mecha-Horse that he’s kept hidden on the beach until now. He pilots the Mech and fights Achilles in the skies above the burning city of Troy, telling him that none of this is worth the bloodshed. But Achilles says “if the Greeks will fight a war over a woman, I can kill a city for my cousin-brother-lover-chan-kun-kohai-san-sama.” Paris tries to flee with his precious sheep, but Helen trips him with her sheperd’s crook and he falls onto Menelaus. Menelaus then reveals the laser canon that he’s been building every day and asks Helen to put in the final piece, reigniting their love. Helen then turns the cannon on Paris, and his body explodes. In fact, his skull soars into the Achilles’ jet boots, causing him to crash into the Mecha-Horse. Both Achilles and the Mecha-Horse crash into Troy, resulting in a massive explosion that devastates and destroys the city. As the smoke settles Odysseus emerges from the wreckage, sees Achilles’ dead body, looks upon the few survivors, and declares the fighting over. Episode 9: It’s gonna be a bunch of still images of the main characters as I narrate what happened to them after the war. Agamemnon II was killed by her sisters for the Throne, Menelaus and Helen went back to Sparta and opened a dance studio, Patroclus went to Scandinavia and fathered a son named Beowulf, the Trojan survivors followed a great warrior named Aeneas to Italy, but that’s another story, and Odysseus made his way back to Ithaca. But that too is a story for another day, and another episode. Conc: That is the layman’s summary, of my improved Iliad. I hope you were sufficiently enlightened by my post-trans feminist modern reimagining. And if you took any of it seriously…I don’t know what to do for you. Thanks for listening and have a good one! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit joeyh1996.substack.com (https://joeyh1996.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

3. 

   30 Mar 2026

   A copious and perhaps uncharitable critique of the Castlevania show's villains.

   Whispers and murmuring, interrupted by a gavel. Archie: “Welcome applicants, to your initial interview for the University for Aspiring Dark Lords and assorted Evil Bastards. Before we get into the questions proper, I’d like to do a general inquest into your individual motivations. You know: Why do you want to be a mega villain? That sorta thing. Let’s start with you, the pasty lady with the long nails. What’s your name and tell us your motives. Carm: “I am Carmilla, and I will rule over this world. Unlike those childish men.” Archie: “Ok…anything else? What are you qualifications for ruling the world?” Carm: “Those manchildren hoard and waste power that I deserve, and I’m going to take it and use better than any of them.” Archie: “Ok, that’s more of a restatement than anything. I get what you’re saying. The penis is evil, hail the uterus and all that. But why do you specifically-“ Carm: “Because I deserve power. I endured the stupidity of men for far too long, and now I’ll take power for myself.” Archie: “Ok, so you’re just a stereotype of a stereotype of the neo-feminist, with not much else going on. Got it.” Carm: “I am an empowered legend!” Archie: “Your gangly armed melanin deficient self, screaming about all the respect you deserve while doing all the shit you criticize everyone else for isn’t empowering. It’s annoying. Begone with you.” Sound of fire and screaming. Archie: “Ok, Mr. Renaissance looking Man: What’s your name and motive?” St. Germ: “I am Saint Germain, adventurer and alchemist. And I shall open the infinite corridor where my beloved is trapped and free her.” Archie: “That’s not very evi-“ St. Germ: “And I will sacrifice as many lives as needed to accomplish my goal.” Archie: “That’s more like it. How will you accomplish this?” St. Germ: “I will manipulate the worst undead dregs of world…” Archie: “Sounds goods…” St. Germ: “I will use hundreds of souls both evil and innocent as fuel…” Archie: “Nice…” St. Germ: “To build a half man/half woman construct that will control the interdimensional corridor and free my beloved.” Archie: “You’re going to build a futa with interdimensional powers?” St. Germ: “It’s called a Rebis.” Archie: “I know what you want to call it. I’m going to call it what it is. But anyway, this necromantic futa is going to open the infinite dimensional doorway, and you’re going to save your girlfriend.” St. Germ: “Yes.” Archie: “Uh-huh…What’s your girlfriend’s name?” St. Germ: “Uhm…pardon.” Archie: “Your girlfriend. What is her name?” St. Germ: “Well her name is…uhm…hmm.” Archie: “Right. Did you come up with the theory of interdimensional futa on your own?” St. Germ: “No, the secrets of this great work were told to me by a complete stranger who knew my identity and entire purpose while I was wandering the Infinite Corridor.” Archie: “This stranger sounds pretty ske-Wait you where in and out of the Infinite Corridor?” St. Germ: “The stranger had a key to get me out.” Archie: “The stranger had a-Why didn’t you ask for more of those? Is it one way or something?” St. Germ: “She said it would open the corridor wherever I choose.” Archie: “Is there a fuel limit or something?” St. Germ: “She said it was charged with many deaths. So maybe? It was very vague, and she was very insistent that I kill a lot of people and discard my morality. It was the first and only solution to her.” Archie: “Did none of this seems suspicious to you?” St. Germ: “I wanted to see my beloved again.” Archie: “Right, what’s her name?” St. Germ: “I…you know what, to hell with you. I’m done with this.” Archie: “Yeah go cry with your totally not a scam interdimensional sex doll.” (footsteps, door closes) Archie: “Build a quasi human man-girl to control dimensions when there’s already keys for that? What kind of stupid magic is this? Whatever. You, swirly skull spirit looking thing, What’s your deal?” Not Death: “I am Death.” Archie: “No you’re fucking not.” Not Death: “I’m a quasi-vampiric entity that feeds on souls and has been around for so long that people modeled the idea of death after me.” Archie: “Sounds like deconstructionist bullshit to me. But it’s not unexpected. Continue.” Not Death: “I pledged myself to Dracula so that he would unleash a wave of slaughter and feed my hunger for lives.” Archie: “Which version? Ah-Don’t answer that. Just go ahead.” Not Death: “But he was killed. And now I will bring him back to unleash a whole new wave of slaughter and gorge myself.” Archie: “Great, and how will you accomplish this?” Not Death: “By tricking Saint Germain into corralling dracula’s remaining servants into building the Rebis and then trapping Dracula’s soul and his wife’s soul into the Rebis which will drive them insane which will make them kill everyone.” Archie: “Let me guess, you were the stranger who gave renaissance boy his futa plan?” Not Death: “Yes, I am a master manipulator.” Archie: “No, you found an idiot and sent him to do a bunch of busy work to once again…what is this magic system? Other people make big interdimensional gates, one place I know has technology that transports them through hell, but you guys…nothing is clicking here. Not Death: “It’s not really magic, it’s advanced scientific phenomena.” Archie: “Oh, you’re those kind of people. Did you consider finding other people besides Dracula to get the slaughter fest started?” Not Death: “No, I need Dracula.” Archie: “You mean the plot needed Dracula.” Not Death: “What?” Archie: “Nevermind. You know what, go ahead. Go trick a bunch of people, to build a futa doll, and then put Dracula and his wife into the doll, to make them crazy, to make people dead. It’s totally not convoluted and certainly not stupid and I’m sure it will work out. Go.” (door opens and closes). Archie: “I’ve just about had it. You’re the last one, wait don’t tell me you’re-“ Drac: “I am Dracula.” Archie: “These people’s version of Dracula, sure. Now tell me your story.” Drac: “Once I was miserable and destroyed all that displeased me, which was everything. Then I met my wife.” Archie: “What’s her name?” Drac: “Lisa.” Archie: “Thank God, he knows. Ok: continue.” Drac: “She gave me a new appreciation for life. She encouraged me to live as a man, not as a monster. Then the violent superstitious fools of this world accused her of being a witch, and burned her at the stake.” Archie: “So now you’re going to kill the people who killed her?” Drac: “I’m going to kill the whole world!” Archie: “Of course you are, how silly of me.” Drac: “Humanity doesn’t deserve to live! They are a worthless species deserving only extermination for their crimes.” Archie: “Your wife was human.” Drac: “She was one of the good ones.” Archie: “Of course she was. Dare I ask how the fools managed to capture her?” Drac: “I was away, travelling as a man, for I had promised not use my powers.” Archie: “Why did they think she was a witch?” Drac: “Uhm…well she was using the advanced technology I gave her to heal people. This shows that humanity is too stupid to-“ Archie: “So the advanced healing technology was human enough, but the advanced traveling technology and mag-I’m sorry, super science, was too much and you had to go without that. Same with weapons, and other avenues of protection.” Drac: “I trusted in the goodness of humanity like she wanted. And that was only further proof that-“ Archie: “That’s not hope in humanity that willful imprudence. You also know there are supernatural threats, so why wouldn’t you put measures in place to defend against those, and thus the human ones as well?” Drac: “I…wanted peace?” Archie: “You’re both supposed to be smart enough to plan for these sorts of things. Please, don’t tell me you had kids…” Drac: “We have a son. My one weakness, and chance for-“ Archie: “Did he also want genocide the planet?” Drac: “He believed in his mother’s foolish dream.” Archie: “So you’re going to kill him because you were committed to the path of death? Or something like that?” Drac: “I only grievously wounded him because I was angry at the world, but I still loved him.” Archie: “Sounds like the writers were throwing motives at the board till something stuck.” Drac: “What?” Archie: “Your motives sound morally grey and super complex. I hesitate to ask, but how were you going to kill everyone on the planet? Were you gonna unleash a plague or something?” Drac: “I would summon an army from the guts of hell to-“ Archie: “Wait! Demons? What kind of demons? Are they fallen angels or deceased sinners?” Drac: “They’re dead humans that my acolytes bring back from the dead and implant into new bodies.” Archie: “And the other idiots already established that your magic system allows you to seek out specific souls and bring them back from death. Did you not know that for some reason?” Drac: “I am Dracula, I have knowledge of all mysteries and advanced sciences beyond human understanding.” Archie: “So the answer is yes.” Drac: “Yes.” Archie: “Why didn’t you just bring Lisa back? It’s clearly possible.” Drac: “I…I was too far gone and committed to the path of revenge.” Archie: “You spared your kid and you keep around a bunch of minions to carry out your dirty work. I’m gonna assume you also have a favorite or two? A trusted vampire spawn or general?” Drac: “My chief lieutenants are actually…ehm…” Archie: “Spit it out.” Drac: “They are Human wizards. One of them is much cooler than the other. In fact he’s so cool that you probably won’t bother criticizing him.” Archie: “Probably not. Point being, you’re motive for killing humanity is your dead wife. But you very clearly had the power, or could work towards having the power to bring her back from the dead and avoid all of this nonsense. Why didn’t you do that? Drac: “I…was buried in grief?” Archie: “Sounds like the writers didn’t plan ahead.” Drac: “What?” Archie: “Nevermind. Your wizard minions, are they worth talking about?” Drac: “One of them is really cool. So cool that he probably has is own adventures away from any other person’s of note and his development of character will be more coherent than any other person I know. Almost comedically so. The other wizard is a complete moron. He’ll probably change his motives at random until he has a toxic romance. It will probably be with a female vampire who is conspicuously more alive looking and traditionally sexy compared to the other vampire women. And their romance will make all the shippers giggle in delight, but it will contribute absolutely nothing to larger events at play and it probably end in a very melodramatic and unsatisfying fashion.” Archie: “Ease up on the fourth wall breaking, that’s my territory.” Drac: “Sorry. Hmmm…perhaps my motives are a bit…” Archie: “Stupid.” Drac: “I was going to say nuanced.” Archie: “Look, from what I’ve heard, you and other idiots are just a gang of angry teenagers with sporadic motives and constantly fluctuating power levels. You’re what happens if someone sees a complicated villain, traces them out, and then colors the picture with whatever shades they think are cool at the time. You’re trying to be something special, but the work isn’t there, and the craftsmanship is lacking.” Drac: “What should I do?” Archie: “Just wait for another reimagining, I’m sure another one will come along soon. You specifically don’t have to worry about anything. I can’t go a single villain meeting without seeing a different version of Dracula. So be patient, and begone.” Lightning. Archie: “That’s all there is for now. To any in the audience who made it this far, thank you so much for listening to this extra ranty Retrospective Rant, and have good one.” This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit joeyh1996.substack.com (https://joeyh1996.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

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