Sanity and Society

About Sanity and Society

Welcome to "Sanity and Society," where we peel back the layers of the modern mind and the cultural forces that shape it. I'm your host, a therapist with a passion for exploring the deep and sometimes daunting aspects of human psychology as they intersect with today's most pressing societal issues. Life doesn't come with an instruction manual, but you can think of this program as a guide for better understanding the complexities of the human psyche and the societal trends impacting us all. psychfox.substack.com (https://psychfox.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast)

Publisher

Jeremy

Category

health & fitness · health & fitness

Language

en

Explicit

No

First episode

11 Jun 2019

Latest episode

31 Aug 2026

Latest episodes

62 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   31 Aug 2026

   Attachment, Limerence, and the Crisis of Modern Dating

   Sometimes we aren't chasing a person; we're trying to prove that we can obtain a love that was lost to us. Why do we sometimes want the person who is least available to us? And how do you know whether the urge to leave a relationship is wisdom or an old attachment pattern coming back online? In Part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Nicole Ohebshalom, we move from trauma therapy into the psychology of relationships, dating, intimacy, shame, and repair. Even though you can listen to this episode completely independently without any confusion, part 1 is right here (https://psychfox.substack.com/p/why-you-can-understand-yourself-and) if you want to give it a listen. We talk about: * Avoidant and anxious attachment. * Relationship anxiety. * When breaking up is healthy versus defensive. * Red flags and relationship dynamics. * Affair recovery and rebuilding trust. * Emotional availability. * Hypervigilance and catastrophizing. * Why anxiety destroys curiosity. * EMDR negative cognitions. * Self-criticism and the inner judge. * Ego states and parts work. * Perfectionism in high performers. * Why not everything comes from childhood trauma. * Limerence and obsessive romantic attachment. * Intermittent emotional availability. * Repetition compulsion. * Dating apps and micro-rejection. * Modern dating culture. * Money, status, and gender expectations. * Changing ideas about masculinity and femininity. * Desire discrepancy. * Sexual intimacy. * Performance anxiety. * Feeling desired versus simply having more sex. * Playfulness and emotional safety. * Why your partner cannot realistically be everything. * And why curiosity may be one of the most important relationship skills we have. One theme runs through almost the entire conversation: We tend to confuse our predictions with reality. Trauma can make the mind certain that an old danger is happening again. Limerence can make emotional inconsistency feel like profound love. Perfectionism can make an ordinary mistake feel like evidence of inadequacy. And modern dating culture can train people to interpret every imperfect moment as a red flag. The antidote to this is curiosity. The ability to pause long enough to ask: What is actually happening here? Show Notes, Chapters and Timestamps 00:00 — Trauma, attachment & the urge to leaveHow do you distinguish an avoidant trauma response from realizing a relationship genuinely isn’t healthy? 01:10 — Relationship red flags & your role in the dynamicLooking beyond simplistic red-flag culture to understand how both people may contribute to a relationship pattern. 02:18 — Affair recovery, betrayal trauma & relationship repairWhat does the hurt partner actually need after infidelity?Being heard. Accountability. Emotional presence. Repair. 05:31 — Contempt, emotional availability & infidelity riskWhen partners stop feeling accessible and responsive to one another, something important begins to erode. 07:10 — Avoidant attachment, anxious attachment & emotional withdrawalWithdrawal doesn’t always mean someone stopped caring. Sometimes fear makes people quieter. 07:42 — Curiosity as an antidote to relationship anxietyInstead of immediately assuming rejection:Why are you moving away?What is happening between us? 08:29 — Anxiety, catastrophizing & the loss of curiosityAnxiety narrows perception.We begin treating assumptions as facts. 09:18 — Trauma & predictive processingHow past experiences shape what the brain expects to happen next — especially when the cost of being wrong once felt enormous. 10:08 — EMDR negative cognitions & the stories we tell ourselvesThe beliefs underneath our reactions.The “lie” we repeatedly tell ourselves about who we are. 10:46 — Why you shouldn’t believe every thought you haveSelf-critical thoughts. Worst-case scenarios. Rumination.Sometimes the mind is warning you about something that isn’t actually happening. 11:39 — Agency, identity & choosing who you becomeWe often forget that we have some capacity to choose which thoughts and identities we strengthen. 12:29 — Perfectionism, high performers & fear of failureWhat happens when competence becomes part of identity?Trying something new suddenly becomes psychologically dangerous. 13:42 — “Failing up” and high-achiever psychologyLearning through failure versus needing to remain ten steps ahead of everyone else. 15:13 — Shame, childhood & the inner criticWhere does chronic self-judgment come from? 15:48 — Ego states: the judging part vs. the wise partA simple parts-work framework for recognizing self-criticism without becoming consumed by it. 16:47 — Mindfulness, dopamine & changing self-critical habitsNotice the judging part.Pause.Ground.Then create enough space to respond differently. 17:57 — Imposter syndrome, introjects & EMDRCritical parents, teachers, internalized voices, and the possibility of building a more adaptive internal resource. 18:23 — Not everything is childhood traumaAn important corrective to pop psychology.Sometimes personality is personality.Temperament matters too. 20:05 — Rumination, analysis paralysis & changing the channelWhy endless analysis can reinforce the very loop you’re trying to escape. 20:57 — Psychological agency & the observing selfYou may have more room to respond differently than your emotional state initially suggests. 21:35 — Humanistic therapy & seeing more than pathologyA person isn’t merely a collection of trauma responses.Strengths, temperament, history, and personality matter. 23:38 — Is judgment learned or innate?Self-criticism, threat detection, temperament, hypervigilance, and the possible adaptive function of judgment. 26:08 — Intrusive thoughts, honesty & what love requiresYou can notice a thought without obeying it.The conversation turns toward honesty, kindness, and mature love. 27:26 — Attachment vs. limerenceFeeling seen and emotionally received is very different from romantic obsession. 28:51 — Serial limerence & idealizing unavailable peopleWhat are we actually chasing when we repeatedly fall for people who cannot fully meet us? 29:35 — Childhood attachment & intermittent loveA childhood doesn’t have to be overtly abusive for love to feel unpredictable. 31:08 — Repetition compulsion: trying to finally “win” unavailable loveWhy emotionally inconsistent partners can feel strangely familiar. 32:24 — Creating secure attachment in datingHow do you create steadiness when your own perception of relationships feels difficult to trust? 32:54 — Dating apps, micro-rejection & digital disconnectionConstant evaluation.Disposable options.Online self-objectification.And the psychological cost of dating through screens. 34:31 — Rejection sensitivity & why dating endings feel personalSometimes someone else’s withdrawal really isn’t about you. 35:09 — Why closure and honest communication matterA compassionate explanation can completely change how another person experiences rejection. 36:01 — Millennials, Gen Z & “getting your life together” before loveDo we really need to become fully optimized individuals before entering a relationship? 37:44 — Status anxiety, money & the dating marketplaceHas achievement become a prerequisite for feeling worthy of love? 38:22 — Dating apps and the illusion of infinite optionsWhen relationships start being evaluated like consumer products. 39:56 — Who pays for the date? Gender roles & modern dating scriptsChanging expectations around independence, provision, fairness, and being cared for. 42:47 — High-achieving women, identity & authenticityAfter achieving independence, what happens when someone realizes the life she built isn’t exactly the life she wants? 46:11 — Traditional gender roles without the gender warCan couples selectively create roles that actually work for them without turning relationships into ideological combat? 48:24 — Your partner cannot be everythingFriendship. Romance. Hobbies. Sexuality.What should a partner provide — and what should come from elsewhere? 49:28 — Desire discrepancy & mismatched sex drivesWhat happens when one partner wants sex much more frequently than the other? 50:50 — Do you want more sex — or do you want to feel desired?Sometimes the stated problem and the emotional need underneath it are not the same thing. 52:11 — Emotional safety, arousal & rebuilding intimacyPressure often reduces desire.Safety and playfulness can create room for it. 53:14 — Practical relationship advice: bring back playSmall shared activities can communicate something enormous:I see you.I care what you enjoy. 53:39 — The “us” factor vs. the “me” factorHealthy relationships sometimes require protecting the relationship itself from a culture of constant individual optimization. 54:19 — Curiosity might be the relationship superpowerCuriosity about yourself.Curiosity about your partner.Curiosity instead of certainty. 55:21 — Closing thoughts: trauma, couples therapy & repair 57:03 — Psychoanalysis, defense mechanisms & EMDRA brief closing conversation about integrating psychodynamic thinking with trauma therapy. Get full access to Next Level Psychology at psychfox.substack.com/subscribe (https://psychfox.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)

2. 

   19 Aug 2026

   Why You Can Understand Yourself and Still Be Stuck

   Introduction Dr. Nicole Ohebshalom joins me to talk about EMDR therapy, trauma,shame, attachment, the body, and high performers.We get into what happens when insight alone isn’t enough.Why some people intellectualize.Why not everyone experiences emotions strongly in their body.And why good trauma therapy involves much more than simply processingpainful memories. This episode begins with a conversation about shame, and bridges intomany relevant psychology topics.Dr. Nicole Ohebshalom and I talk about:• How relationships activate old beliefs.• Why knowing your patterns is different from changing them (whyinsight alone can fail to heal)• EMDR negative cognitions.• Attachment wounds.• The body in therapy.• Intellectualization.• High performers.• Parts work.• Resourcing.• Why not everybody experiences emotion somatically (physically)• and also, why good trauma therapy sometimes requires slowing down.We also get into a misconception I hear often:"EMDR is just eye movements."EMDR reprocessing matters, and so does everything that makes thereprocessing possible.This is part 1 of a 2 part series, so keep an eye (or an ear) out forthe next episode, releasing soon. Do you like mental health content that illuminates, rather than reduces or confuses?To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Show notes with Timestamps Chapters00:00 — Dr. Nicole Ohebshalom: EMDR, trauma therapy & sex therapyNicole's background in trauma studies, human sexuality, clinicalcounseling, EMDR, couples work, and women's health.00:44 — Shame, childhood trauma & attachmentWhere shame comes from.How early relationships shape adult intimacy.How shame becomes part of the dance between two people.01:42 — EMDR negative cognitions & fight-flight-freeze responsesThe beliefs underneath trauma."I'm not enough.""I'm too much.""I'll be left."How the body can continue reacting as though an old belief is still true.03:30 — EMDR reprocessing and changing relationship patternsWhat happens after a traumatic memory is processed?Can new relationship experiences help consolidate the change?04:12 — Couples therapy, attachment work, EFT & parts workIntegrating EMDR with relational therapy.Flash Technique.Emotionally Focused Therapy.Attachment figures.IFS and ego-state work.06:10 — Pelvic pain, vaginismus, anxiety & protective responsesHow physical symptoms can become part of a relationship cycle.One person pursues.The other withdraws.The body begins protecting itself.09:50 — The body in trauma therapyNicole's nursing background.Why she became interested in the connection between psychotherapy and the body.10:21 — “I'm not enough”: shame, schemas & negative beliefsThe beliefs people unconsciously organize their lives around.Self-concept.Intimacy.Abandonment.Dependency.The overlap between schemas and EMDR negative cognitions.11:31 — Attachment wounds and what the body remembersWhat message did your body pick up as a child?How early relational experiences become expectations about love,safety, and connection.13:46 — Emotional avoidance, defenses & blocking beliefsWhat happens when someone can't access emotion?Fear of feelings.Shame about emotion.And when emotional avoidance may function as a defense.14:17 — High performers, intellectualization & interoceptionA crucial distinction:Sometimes intellectualization is protective.Sometimes a person simply doesn't experience much sensation internally.Therapy shouldn't automatically pathologize that.15:19 — Is therapy too focused on “feeling it in your body”?The pendulum swing in modern trauma therapy.Why forcing emotional or somatic experience can itself become shaming.16:32 — Integration vs. catharsis in psychotherapyThe goal isn't necessarily to feel more:it's to integrate more.Why highly intelligent and high-achieving clients can understand allof their patterns and still remain stuck.18:12 — Trauma-informed pacing vs. avoidanceWhen should a therapist gently push?When should therapy slow down?How intellectualization can become an escape without becoming the enemy.19:21 — EMDR myths: it's not just eye movementsOne of the biggest misconceptions about EMDR therapy.Bilateral stimulation is only one part of the model.Case conceptualization, treatment planning, preparation, reprocessing,closure, and reevaluation all matter.21:17 — Why therapists shouldn't rush trauma processingThe temptation to immediately target a painful memory.Why good EMDR treatment planning asks what larger network that memorybelongs to.23:22 — High achievers, resilience & strengths-based trauma therapyTrauma survivors often arrive knowing everything that has gone wrong.What happens when therapy also helps them recognize what survived?24:48 — EMDR resourcing & the “positive memory playlist”Calm places.Wise figures.Nurturing figures.Past experiences of competence and strength.Building accessible memories that say: I can do this.25:51 — IFS, ego states & parts work in EMDRManagers.Firefighters.Protective parts.Addiction and emotional avoidance.Understanding what a protective part is actually afraid will happen.26:40 — Parts work, chronic PTSD & stabilizationWhy Nicole increasingly spends more time with parts of the self beforereprocessing.Creating internal resources before asking someone to approachtraumatic material.28:05 — Trauma preparation, containment & the window of toleranceSometimes slowing down makes the difficult work go more smoothly.Preparation isn't avoiding trauma work,It is part of trauma work.28:47 — Somatic therapy & body-based EMDR interweavesMovement during reprocessing.Getting out of the chair.Following physical impulses.Using curiosity when EMDR reaches a stuck point.29:38 — Movement, grounding & deeper trauma processingNicole describes using the environment and physical movement during anextended EMDR session.30:22 — EMDR 2.0, working memory & attention taxationMovement.Changing tasks.Additional attentional demands.And different ways of keeping one foot in the present while traumaticmaterial is being reprocessed. TopicsEMDR therapy • trauma therapy • PTSD • shame • attachment • childhoodtrauma • couples therapy • emotionally focused therapy • negativecognitions • fight-flight-freeze • somatic therapy • high performers •high achievers • intellectualization • emotional avoidance • IFS •Internal Family Systems • ego states • parts work • resilience •trauma processing • trauma-informed therapy • EMDR resourcing •nervous system regulation • window of tolerance • pelvic pain •psychotherapy Get full access to Next Level Psychology at psychfox.substack.com/subscribe (https://psychfox.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)

3. 

   14 Aug 2026

   The Psychology of Spider-Man: Brand New Day

   I wanted to talk about the new Spider-Man movie, Spider-Man: Brand New Day: grief, trauma, how those things mix together and resolve. I want to also address resilience, and how women and men have to work together for trauma recovery. Even if you have not seen the prior movies, you should be able to understand what I address in this article. Several years after No Way Home, Peter Parker lives alone and works almost exclusively as Spider-Man. That is his whole gig. Aunt May is no more after the attack by the Green Goblin. MJ and Ned are alive, but Doctor Strange’s spell has erased Peter from their memories. In order to protect the people he loved—his girlfriend and his best friend—Peter asked Doctor Strange to make everyone forget who he was. So he lost his support network. Peter visits Aunt May’s grave, watches his former friends from a distance, and channels nearly his entire existence into crime-fighting. He has become extremely effective as Spider-Man. But Peter Parker, as a human being, has almost ceased to have a personal life. The movie gives us three responses to traumatic grief. Peter throws himself into work that helps others. Frank Castle throws himself into work that avenges and punishes. Jean Grey throws herself into personal vengeance. Super-sadness versus super-anger: that is complexity. That is the human experience. Get full access to Next Level Psychology at psychfox.substack.com/subscribe (https://psychfox.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)

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• Jeremy Fox
• Katherine Dee
• Barri Grant

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