One Voice... Raw. Real. Fiercely Autistic. <br/><br/><a href="https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com</a>
#AutisticAF Out Loud
Claim This Podcastby Johnny Profane (Knapp Âû)
3.5(2 reviews)
73 episodes
Updated Bi-weekly
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37
Podcast Authority
BetaPoorBased on show quality, social media presence, reviews, charts, and more
Quality61
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Engagement31
Podcast Overview
One Voice... Raw. Real. Fiercely Autistic. <br/><br/><a href="https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com</a>
Language
🇺🇲
Publishing Since
6/28/2021
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37
Podcast Authority
BetaPoorBased on show quality, social media presence, reviews, charts, and more
Quality61
Social0
YouTube0
Engagement31
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excellent
Episode Length
9 minutes
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Recent Episodes
May 14, 2026
When "Kind" Words Hurt: An Autistic Elder on Microaggressions
<p><strong>Content Note:</strong> Contains descriptions of everyday condescension... and opinions... that may resonate... uncomfortably for autistic, neurodivergent and... other people.</p><p>The Cruelest Knife Leaves No Scar</p><p>You never feel the cruelest knife Poison-tipped with a pat on the head A smugly… gentle… smile Words so softly, warmly… said.</p><p>He only said… “You’re flourishing. Even with autism. Good on you.”</p><p>Judgment is like napalm Dropped benignly… safely… from on high Burning invisibly… under my skin.</p><p>She casually said… “You got imposter syndrome. I got this book…?”</p><p>Or some radiant dirty bomb Parachuting slyly… tenderly… Silently melting my guts inside.</p><p>The manual simply read… “Neurodivergents think outside the box. That makes them perfect… for certain tasks.”</p><p>Leaving a foul smell in the air Mustard gas masquerading… Like piercing gas-station incense Labelled... blindingly, “Stay Calm.”</p><p>Stealth Weapons of Mass Humiliation Or casual toxic caring Preening in plain sight Don’t breed even sullen gratitude Just resentment. Rebellion. Sometimes? The worship of tyrants. </p><p>You never feel the cruelest knife No, Not right away. A slice so sharp it leaves no scar So weird… that instant shapes my life.</p><p><strong>More autistic lived experience: </strong>If this resonated for you, I share more pieces like this on <a target="_blank" href="https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/p/spoken-word-poetry">AutisticAF Out Loud</a>.</p><p><strong>Connect:</strong></p><p>* Drop a comment… How do you experience… condescension?</p><p>* How have you answered it?</p><p>* Hit the “subscribe” box for new releases</p><p><strong>Get the Chapbook:</strong></p><p>Press enter or click to view image in full size</p><p><a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY">every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,</a> art, poetry, and raw neurodivergent truth. Thirteen pieces. One autistic life, unfiltered. Available on Amazon</p><p>Subscribe to AutisticAF Out Loud… free or paid… and get the full PDF in your inbox. On me. <a target="_blank" href="https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/">#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter: One Voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Autistic.</a></p><p>I’m an autistic poet and spoken word performer, diagnosed at 63. Now in my 70s. I’ve been publishing AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… work that refuses to be packaged.</p><p>My spoken word piece , every clock is a handgun pointed at my head, was published in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, I spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day about my illustration work rooted in autism & ADHD.</p><p>I live in a rural Indiana trailer… across the courtyard from my wife’s trailer… with my 2 dogs & cat. Occasionally I shave… to face Walmart.</p><p>The algorithms hate me. I must be doing something right.</p><p>#SpokenWord #AutismAcceptance #AutisticPoetry</p><p>#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts… free. To support my ongoing work, consider a paid subscription.</p><p>Support AutisticAF.me with a one-time tip here: <a target="_blank" href="https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/kimmieandjohnny">Paypal</a> · <a target="_blank" href="https://ko-fi.com/autisticaf">Ko-Fi</a> · Facebook Pay “<a target="_blank" href="https://www.facebook.com/John.Knapp.Johnny.Profane">Johnny Knapp Âû</a>”</p><p><a target="_blank" href="https://ko-fi.com/autisticaf">https://ko-fi.com/autisticaf</a></p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2">johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe</a>
May 8, 2026
Family, God & Vodka Neat...? My Autistic Elder’s Truth
<p>A comet, a cult, an ice storm, a family dinner... and a disastrous drinking game. Winter, 1997-98. One autistic elder's truth about faith, control, and what it costs to survive your own family.</p><p>⚠️ Content note: offensive language, substance use, religious criticism, mental health themes, cult references. Strong feelings. A very personal truth you may not share.</p><p>This is a hybrid spoken word piece — poem, film, mini-series. Scenes. Jump cuts. Background music. A Prelude in Northern New York, December 1997, as the Hale-Bopp comet fades from the sky and the thirty-nine bodies in matching Nikes of the Heaven's Gate cult are still fresh in the national mind.A Dinner, where my mother gathers reports from her children, one by one, while I sip vodka. Neat.A Card Game during the Ice Storm of '98 — cooped-up family, three days, no power, liquor, and a rule: ya gotta drink.And a Cadenza for the End of Time. Where I finally ask the question I couldn't ask as a kid.I'm Johnny Profane Âû. Autistic poet and spoken word performer, diagnosed at 63. Now in my 70s. I've been making work that refuses to be packaged since 2019.This piece is from my chapbook: every clock is a handgun pointed at my head: songs of autistic innocence...and experience. Available on Amazon — link below.</p><p>📖 Get the chapbook: [AMAZON LINK]📬 Full text + newsletter: [SUBSTACK LINK]🔔 Hit the bell. New pieces drop when they're ready.💬 Drop a comment: How complex was your family history as a neurodivergent person? What refuges did you find?</p><p>Chapters</p><p>0:10 — Cold Open0:21 — Content Note0:45 — Intro1:58 — Prelude / Establishing Shot3:55 — Dinner Music / Point-of-View Shot7:39 — Interlude / Flash Cut9:53 — Cadenza for the End of Time / Extreme Wide Panning Shot11:20 — Outro / Parting Shot</p><p></p><p>#ActuallyAutistic #SpokenWord #ReligiousTrauma</p><p>#AutisticPoetry #LateAutismDiagnosis #AutisticElders #HeavensGate #AutismAcceptance #NeurodivergentPoetry #AutisticAF</p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2">johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe</a>
February 11, 2026
7 Autistic Decades. I'm Still Driven. What If I NEVER Get “There...”?
<p>Still driven to matter. Desperately. Almost 73. And I can’t unwind… busted springs, broken dancer in a jewel box. This piece isn’t an answer. It’s an accusation. And underneath? A terrified question I can’t stop asking.</p><p>{Music}</p><p>Intro</p><p>You're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. </p><p>One autistic elder’s truth. I’m Johnny Profane.</p><p><strong>Content Note:</strong> language, psych ward experiences, childhood sexual & emotional abuse, intergenerational family harm + opinions & experiences of one autistic elder. </p><p>It’s everywhere. </p><p>Every where I go anyways.</p><p>I’m chatting with this young professional couple ahead of me in a line. Maybe, grad students…? This long, Walmart self-checkout is just brimming with fresh faces this August.</p><p>There’s an awkward break… like always in these in-line chats. Like we’re para-neighbors or something.</p><p>So… I’ve gotten used to a little stimming while I wait. In the silence, I arch my back backwards then I drop my head toward the floor… Breathe out, relax, straighten up, and…</p><p>They’re staring. Four eyes blinking through glasses. Two mouths open.</p><p>I… I… think a moment. Running through possible causes for those gawking faces. Then, I get it.</p><p>“Oh… Oh that.” I slip into my little canned moment. “Ya see, I’m autistic. I know. I don’t look like autistic. I’m old.” [Chuckle.] “But if I say… or do something… that seems, well, odd? Just let me know.”</p><p>You could see it instantly. I went from bizarre, possibly fiercesome alien to… cute, harmless, possibly lovable, old oddball.</p><p>A blink or two… from each. The guy, in the designer hoodie, waves back and forth between himself and the young woman. </p><p>“Oh, we get it.” A bit more waving. “We love ‘Love on the Spectrum.’ Never miss it.”</p><p>To my credit, I manage a… thin smile, with a little mock hand-waving and a quiet, “Yeah, doggie.”</p><p>Shortly, they leave the store, waving back at me. And I wave back. </p><p><p>It’s more like they have a cute para-social crush on an idea… of autism.</p></p><p>But I’m thinking…</p><p>That show… and that couple’s genuine attempt to connect? They’re something… for now. I guess… </p><p>But I’ve been obsessing about stereotypes lately.</p><p>Like everybody suddenly knows the real me cuz they read an article on Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism…</p><p>TV viewers? None of them know me. It’s more like they have a cute para-social crush on an idea… of autism.</p><p>I try to bear in mind I may be going through a phase ... [laffs]</p><p>But…</p><p>I am autistic + ADHD here. Turning 73, come June. I want you to know this reality… my personal reality. But shared by too many other neurodivergents.</p><p>I’ll never know what it means to grow up withoutsensory, physical, emotional, and sexual trauma from…family, teachers, playmates, care-taking professionals,the occasional stranger.</p><p>I’ll never know a life without repeated psych ward stays.</p><p>So… it just may not be autism that blocks my dreams… Ya know?</p><p>Just stick a pin in that thought for a moment. We’ll circle back, after a bit… after I speak my piece…</p><p><p><strong>“What…</strong> would I be… then…?”</p></p><p>Like most humans, I grapple with dreams… </p><p>I will never realize in this life... nearing its end. Dreams that wind my clock.</p><p>The biggest? The gut-wrenching need to matter... Less noble? My yearning for fame & recognition. I fear letting that dream go.</p><p>Cuz what… would I be… then...?</p><p>This piece isn’t an answer. It’s an accusation. And I can guaran-damn-tee you it’ll never stream on Netflix.</p><p>I call it…</p><p>LETTING GO</p><p>Being born left its markThat’s how I came to fear the dark...</p><p>Far back as i know I fear letting goAlways scouting for that shortcutI fear letting goCareening towards god knows whatFearing letting goDark lightning in my gutFrom fear of letting go Letting goLetting goGod i need To let go… Everybody knowsI need to let go.</p><p>All life longDrempt damned dreams The kind that get you reborn,To be big, to be… known.As this long life, this dream… endsI fear letting goCuz what would I… be… then?</p><p>Been saying latelyGot to unwind… Twist.</p><p>Got the heart… not the chopsI got to unwindUnwind… Twist.</p><p>Need a dream detoxGot to unwind Un Wind… Twist.</p><p>Click…</p><p>Busted springs andBroken dancer in a jewel box. Good gawd almightyI gots to unwind.</p><p>Sleepwalking in the moist dark nightA toddler memory, I feared a lightShadowed crack under mommy’s doorGroans, cries, sighs… moreThen...Turning a knob on forbidden sightDaddy’s rage, a parasiteCrawling… gnawing my insides That night I first feared the light.</p><p>Black thunder in a winter stormI fear the trembling light</p><p>Mantra falling in a mind at warTerrified of that lightFear that light</p><p>Fear that light</p><p>I fear that lightMore than psych ward nightI fear that blinding light</p><p>Being born left its markThat’s how I came to fear the dark...</p><p>But waking, startled, late in lifeI came to cower… at the light.</p><p>Ok. What I feel… what I experience inside? </p><p>Or what other autistic adults may feel?</p><p>It ain’t something you’ll ever binge on Netflix. No camera films what’s inside us.</p><p>So, unpin that thought I asked you to save… about blocked dreams. Let’s just circle back.</p><p>It ain’t autism. Or ADHD. Or any other neurological difference that blocks our dreams. Even those that are so different from yours.</p><p>I don’t believe ANY of this 7 decades of trauma…familial disappointment…social judgment…failure… pain…</p><p>Had anything to do with my own inborn genetics... nature... Or Mommy’s fucking Tylenol.</p><p>But, and…</p><p>here’s the hope,the meaning,the good part…</p><p>Based on the joyful thingsI could say,did do,did experience,do share…even against all the barriers human culture has ever erectedFor me… for all neurodivergents…</p><p>I can not imagine the joy thatfuture neurodivergent kids could have a shot at...</p><p>If “They” stop trying to “cure” our natural behaviors that annoy... or frighten… only Them.</p><p>And start supporting the natures and gifts we do possess. From the moment we come naked into this world.</p><p>I can NOT imagine what our kids could say, do, experience… in that future world.</p><p>Thank you so much for giving me your time, my friends. </p><p>And the space to sputter my rage into.</p><p></p><p>{Music}</p><p><strong>CHAPTERS:</strong></p><p>0:00 — Cold Open0:27 — Intro / Content Note0:57 — It’s Everywhere5:16 — Letting Go (poem)8:04 — Ok. What I feel… what I experience inside?9:07 — But, and… Here’s the good part10:16 — Thank you so much for giving me your time</p><p><strong>More Spoken Word:</strong></p><p>I share more pieces like this at <a target="_blank" href="https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/p/spoken-word-poetry">AutisticAF Out Loud</a> on Substack</p><p><strong>Get the Chapbook:</strong></p><p><a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY">every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,</a><a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY"> </a>art, poetry, and raw neurodivergent truth. Thirteen pieces. One autistic life, unfiltered. Available on Amazon</p><p>Subscribe to AutisticAF Out Loud... free or paid... and get the full PDF in your inbox. On me.</p><p><strong>About This Work:</strong></p><p>Johnny (Knapp) Profane Âû spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day in 2022 about his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Published in Wordgathering (journal of disability poetry & literature), Neuroclastic, and Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism. In a former life, founding publisher of Unix World magazine. Living in rural Indiana in a trailer across the courtyard from his wife. With his 2 dogs, cat, and an unwavering commitment to raising hell, autistic style.</p><p>#ActuallyAutistic #SpokenWord #DisabilityPoetry #NeurodivergentArt #AuDHD #MentalHealthAwareness #AutisticAF #AutisticElder #LateAutismDiagnosis</p><p><strong>Connect:</strong></p><p>* Drop a comment — Do you experience barriers to realize your dreams? Do you rush from goal to goal… fearing letting go? Do you find meaningful accommodation for your differences in your job or career ?</p><p>* Hit the “follow” bell for new releases</p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2">johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe</a>
73 total episodes available
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