Shifting the paradigm of today’s anxious parenting culture toward greater balance, freeing parents from guilt and burnout, and helping children to become self-reliant.
Balanced Parenting
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5 episodes
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Podcast Overview
Shifting the paradigm of today’s anxious parenting culture toward greater balance, freeing parents from guilt and burnout, and helping children to become self-reliant.
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Publishing Since
2/4/2024
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Recent Episodes
March 5, 2024
Why Blaming Your Parents for Your Unhappiness Leads You to Over-Focus On Your Kids
<p>There is a current trend of “healing” generational trauma by parenting more gently than one’s parents. Within this, there is a lot of parent blaming going on. While some acknowledge their parents’ efforts, however imperfect, the majority of people do not. And unfortunately, this tends to lead people to not only shame their own parents for not correctly meeting their “emotional needs,” but they go on to shame themselves when they are unable to meet their own children’s “emotional needs.” And the cycle continues on and on from one generation to the next. </p> <p>This cycle is recognized in Bowen family systems theory, a foundational theory in the field of family therapy. It suggests that this is due to false assumptions about the reason for distance in relationships with one’s parents. It posits that for most people, the underlying problem is not that they lacked an original bond with their parents, but that relationships that often start out close and connected in childhood become distant later on due to a lack of boundaries and separate identities. It refers to this type of relationship as “fused.” It is similar to the idea of codependency. </p> <p>Learn more at our corresponding <a href="https://www.balancedparenting.org/blog-3-1/why-blaming-your-parents-for-your-unhappiness-leads-you-to-over-focus-on-your-kids" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferer">blog post</a> on this topic!</p>
February 26, 2024
Why Codependency is the Main Parenting Struggle, Not Attachment Insecurity
<p>In today’s parenting culture, most people believe that the main relationship problem children experience is lacking a securely attached bond with their caregiver. As a result, parents are terrified of not meeting their children’s “connection needs” for fear of causing problems in them. When I was a new mom I was no different–I was obsessed with being as attentive, involved, and emotionally supportive of my son as possible. But what I came to realize was that my over-focus on attachment had led me to ignore autonomy–both for him and for myself. My relationship with him revolved so much around connection that we became codependent–he became overly dependent on me and was very needy and demanding, and I always felt guilty and that I wasn’t doing enough to meet his ever-increasing “needs.”</p> <p>Fortunately for me, I came across a parenting perspective that had the answers I needed–Bowen family systems theory. It provided me with a new way of thinking about parenting that emphasized the importance of balancing autonomy and connection such that both parent and child can have their own identities and respect one another’s personal boundaries. This helped me to realize that the problem was not that I had not given enough “love,” but that I had actually given way too much. What I really needed was less emphasis on attachment, and a bit more autonomy to balance out the excessive togetherness that was making our relationship anxious and less genuinely connected.</p> <p>Read more on this topic through our corresponding <a href="https://www.balancedparenting.org/blog-3-1/why-codependency-is-the-main-parenting-struggle-not-attachment-insecurity" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferer">blog post</a>!</p>
February 20, 2024
Why Self-Reliant Children are Happier than Needy Children
<p>You don’t often hear people talking about the need to encourage self-reliance in children these days. It seems to be more of an unpopular opinion that we are fighting against as a culture. It is more accepted to validate children’s dependency needs, give them plenty of our “love” and acceptance, calm their anxieties, and let them need us. The idea is that as parents accept dependency, it naturally helps children to become independent and happy. This idea stems from attachment theory (Bowbly, 1952). According to this way of thinking, safety and security are the goal, not encouraging children to tolerate their own distress or allowing them to be uncomfortable so they can grow to be more self-reliant. Children are seen more as helpless and dependent than resilient and self-reliant. </p> <p>Balanced Parenting goes against the grain of today’s parenting culture, suggesting that self-reliance is vital for children to help them to become independent, confident, and happy. This idea is based in Bowen Family Systems theory (a family therapy theory), and specifically, its concept of differentiation of self. This concept suggests that self-reliance is at the core of emotional maturity, and allows people to have healthy, connected relationships and strong identities (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). It sees relationship-dependence as contributing to needy and demanding relationship behaviors that foster an anxious and threatening emotional environment, leading people to distance from one another. In contrast, self-reliance fosters a mutual respect for autonomy, promoting a calm, non-threatening emotional environment that is conducive to connection. </p> <p>Learn more from our corresponding <a href="https://www.balancedparenting.org/blog-3-1/why-self-reliant-children-are-happier-than-needy-children" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferer">blog post</a> on the topic!</p>
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