Podcast thumbnail for Engineering Love

Engineering Love

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by Kim Polinder

5.0(103 reviews)
16 episodes
Updated Inactive
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Podcast Overview

Most of us aren't fighting because we're bad communicators. We're fighting because our nervous systems are hijacked, our past is leaking into the present, and we don't know how to translate what we feel into something another human can actually hear. This podcast is about what's really happening underneath conflict, shutdown, anxiety, resentment, and emotional exhaustion in relationships. Not pop psychology. Not quick fixes. And not "just communicate better." Hosted by Kim Polinder, associate therapist and relationship coach, each episode breaks down the emotional mechanics behind fights, attachment patterns, shame responses, trauma adaptations, and self-esteem. You'll learn why insight alone doesn't change behavior, how coping strategies that once kept you safe can start sabotaging your relationships, and what it actually looks like to build emotional regulation, repair after conflict, and self-trust over time. Expect grounded psychology, real relational examples, and practical language you can use in your own life. This is for people who want to understand themselves more clearly, stop repeating the same patterns, and build relationships that feel steadier, more honest, and less exhausting. If you've ever thought "Why do we keep having the same fight?" or "I know better, so why can't I do better?" you're in the right place.

Language

🇺🇲

Publishing Since

2/2/2023

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Recent Episodes

Episode thumbnail for The Truth About Resentment: 6 Types, Why It Stays, and How to Actually Heal It

April 7, 2026

The Truth About Resentment: 6 Types, Why It Stays, and How to Actually Heal It

<p class= "font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal leading-[1.7]"> Most people treat resentment like something to push away or white-knuckle through. But before you can release it, you need to know what you're actually holding — because not all resentment is the same, and the way you work with each type is completely different.</p> <p class= "font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal leading-[1.7]"> In this episode, we break down six distinct types of resentment, why one of them is actually a loving emotion, why chronic resentment has nothing to do with time, and what the path toward healing actually looks like.</p> <p class= "font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal leading-[1.7]"> <strong>What we cover:</strong></p> <ul class= "[li_&]:mb-0 [li_&]:mt-1 [li_&]:gap-1 [&:not(:last-child)_ul]:pb-1 [&:not(:last-child)_ol]:pb-1 list-disc flex flex-col gap-1 pl-8 mb-3"> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">Why resentment is the perception of being treated unfairly — and why that word matters more than you think</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">The CBT triangle: how your beliefs and perspectives create your feelings, not just the events themselves</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">Six types of resentment: deflected, relational, protective, displaced, inherited, and self-resentment turned outward</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">Why protective resentment blocks genuine repair — even when the other person is actually changing</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">How implicit memory and the nervous system keep old wounds alive in present-day relationships</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">A three-part framework for what to actually do with resentment once you've identified which type you're holding</li> </ul> <hr class="border-border-200 border-t-0.5 my-3 mx-1.5" /> <p class= "font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal leading-[1.7]"> <strong>TIMESTAMPS:</strong></p> <ul class= "[li_&]:mb-0 [li_&]:mt-1 [li_&]:gap-1 [&:not(:last-child)_ul]:pb-1 [&:not(:last-child)_ol]:pb-1 list-disc flex flex-col gap-1 pl-8 mb-3"> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">00:00 — Why releasing resentment without understanding it doesn't work</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">01:15 — What resentment actually is: perception, not reality</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">02:25 — CBT and the triangle: how perspectives create feelings</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">03:20 — The example: I resent my spouse because they don't care about me</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">05:00 — Resentment vs. anger: why resentment is waiting for something</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">05:39 — Intro to the six types</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">06:03 — Type 1: Deflected resentment</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">09:44 — Type 2: Relational resentment</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">12:14 — Type 3: Protective resentment</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">14:45 — Type 4: Displaced resentment</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">18:00 — Type 5: Inherited resentment</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">20:00 — Type 6: Self-resentment turned outward</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">22:40 — The disempowerment cycle and how to get your power back</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">23:57 — Why chronic resentment has nothing to do with time</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">24:40 — Implicit memory and the nervous system</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">27:27 — The cognitive bias underneath resentment</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">30:33 — What to do: identify the type, find the belief, understand beliefs are workable</li> <li class="whitespace-normal break-words pl-2">35:04 — The Practice</li> </ul> <p><strong>ORDER MY BOOK:</strong> Why We Fight is my new book published by HarperOne. The book is a roadmap for understanding the core wound driving your conflict patterns, and how to change them. Available wherever books are sold. 👉 kimpolinder.com/book</p> <p><strong>JOIN THE PRACTICE:</strong> The Practice is my weekly community for doing the real work. It's not surface-level self-awareness, but the actual patterns underneath. Join at kimpolinder.substack.com</p>

Episode thumbnail for When Only One Emotional Tone Is Allowed: Dismissive vs Anxious Attachment in Conflict

February 27, 2026

When Only One Emotional Tone Is Allowed: Dismissive vs Anxious Attachment in Conflict

<p data-start="541" data-end="719">Avoidant attachment isn't one category. Dismissive and fearful avoidant patterns respond very differently in conflict, and using the wrong repair strategy can make things worse.</p> <p data-start="721" data-end="809">If one of you demands calm and the other escalates to be heard, this episode is for you.</p> <p data-start="811" data-end="893">Kim covers the real issue beneath tone, intensity, and shutdown: distress tolerance.</p> <p data-start="895" data-end="906">Timestamps:</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">00:00 When Only One Emotional Tone Is Allowed</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">00:55 This Isn't Incompatibility. It's Capacity.</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">03:01 What Attachment Theory Is (And Isn't)</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">05:28 Dismissive vs Fearful Avoidant: The Critical Difference</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">08:06 Why Repair Depends on the Pattern</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">09:15 "I Just Want Calm" vs "I Just Want to Be Heard"</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">11:28 Is Wanting Calm Unreasonable?</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">12:34 Boundary vs Emotional Control</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">14:38 The Real Issue: Distress Tolerance</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">15:03 Why Insight Isn't Enough</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">17:35 Reps for Anxious Preoccupied Patterns</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">18:15 Reps for Dismissive Avoidant Patterns</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">19:05 Reps for Fearful Avoidant Patterns</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">20:39 Why Skill Requires Practice</p> <p data-start="908" data-end="1561">21:05 Join The Practice</p> <p data-start="1563" data-end="1691">If you're serious about widening your emotional lane instead of having the same fight again next week, my community The Practice is opening soon. </p>

Episode thumbnail for AI Is Great at Insight. Growth Requires Integration.

February 13, 2026

AI Is Great at Insight. Growth Requires Integration.

<p>More than half of U.S. adults are now using AI to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm. Among people who already use AI for mental health, nearly half say it's the first place they turn when something feels wrong.</p> <p>So the real question isn't whether AI is good or bad.</p> <p>It's this:<br /> Can AI actually support mental health in a meaningful way? Or does it accidentally reinforce the very patterns people are trying to heal?</p> <p>In this episode, I unpack where AI genuinely helps, and where it quietly breaks down when it comes to changing your old patterns.</p> <p>We cover:</p> <p>• Why AI feels supportive — and why that can be misleading<br /> • The difference between insight and integration<br /> • How systems are trained to mirror and validate<br /> • The risk of comfort without accountability<br /> • Why real emotional safety includes friction<br /> • How self-trust erodes when authority gets outsourced<br /> • Practical ways to configure AI so it challenges you instead of agreeing with you</p> <p>Timestamps</p> <p>00:00 — Is AI your best friend or your emotional echo chamber?</p> <p>04:12 — The data: how many people are already using AI for mental health</p> <p>07:35 — Why AI feels so validating</p> <p>11:20 — Insight vs. integration: what most people miss</p> <p>16:45 — Comfort without responsibility</p> <p>21:10 — Real emotional safety includes friction</p> <p>25:40 — Where self-trust quietly erodes</p> <p>29:30 — How to configure ChatGPT to reduce sycophancy</p> <p>33:10 — Prompts for deeper self-awareness</p> <p>38:05 — When AI becomes a red flag instead of a tool</p> <p>41:20 — Growth requires integration</p> <p>Understanding yourself is powerful.<br /> But growth happens when your nervous system learns something new. In real relationships, under real conditions.</p> <p>Insight can start the process.<br /> Integration is moving from self-awareness to changing your behaviors. This is what changes your life.</p> <p>If this episode resonated and you're realizing insight isn't the same as change, that's exactly what The Practice is built for.</p> <p>It's a community focused on integration. Building nervous system capacity, relational skill, and real-time repair. Not just understanding your patterns, but interrupting them.</p> <p>You can learn more and join the waitlist at kimpolinder.com</p> <p>Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/</p> <p>Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast</p>

16 total episodes available with 3 transcripts

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Frequently asked questions

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What is Engineering Love?

Most of us aren't fighting because we're bad communicators. We're fighting because our nervous systems are hijacked, our past is leaking into the present, and we don't know how to translate what we feel into something another human can actually hear.

This podcast is about what's really happening underneath conflict, shutdown, anxiety, resentment, and emotional exhaustion in relationships. Not pop psychology. Not quick fixes. And not "just communicate better."

Hosted by Kim Polinder, associate therapist and relationship coach, each episode breaks down the emotional mechanics behind fights, attachment patterns, shame responses, trauma adaptations, and self-esteem. You'll learn why insight alone doesn't change behavior, how coping strategies that once kept you safe can start sabotaging your relationships, and what it actually looks like to build emotional regulation, repair after conflict, and self-trust over time.

Expect grounded psychology, real relational examples, and practical language you can use in your own life. This is for people who want to understand themselves more clearly, stop repeating the same patterns, and build relationships that feel steadier, more honest, and less exhausting.

If you've ever thought "Why do we keep having the same fight?" or "I know better, so why can't I do better?" you're in the right place.

How often does this podcast release new episodes?

This podcast updates inactive.

Where can I listen to this podcast?

This podcast is available on 2 platforms including Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more. You can also use the RSS feed directly.

Does this podcast accept guests?

Yes, this podcast regularly features guests.

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