GetBetterSoon

About GetBetterSoon

Lessons, thoughts, resources, and musings on the world of learning and self improvement. getbettersoon.substack.com (https://getbettersoon.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast)

Publisher

J. Allen

Category

education · education

Language

en

Explicit

Yes

First episode

30 Mar 2025

Latest episode

24 Apr 2025

Latest episodes

6 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   24 Apr 2025

   When Dating Fails to Lead to Relationships

   Welcome message: GetBetterSoon the blog/podcast that helps YOU win the game of life. The Foundations of Romantic Relationships: * Attraction: sexually attracted to the other person * Connection: shared values, experiences, goals, and have fun together! * Mutual Benefits: each partner’s life is better with the other person in it than they would be on their own, or with other people Combined, these factors represent a person’s value in relationships. If they’re extremely attractive, more people will be interested. If they are good at connecting with others, more people will want to connect with them. Finally, if they benefit those in their lives in some way, more people will want to stick around to enjoy those benefits. Attraction Attraction is somewhat obvious, but many people seem to do things that lower their attractiveness to the opposite sex, whether because they don’t understand this, or because they are choosing to be a certain way for personal reasons. Examples: * Not accentuating one’s masculinity or femininity, or choosing to present androgynously. * Men: * Not working out i.e. having small muscles and/or being out of shape * Having body language that displays weakness, like bad posture, excessive speaking with one’s hands * A high voice pitch and speaking quickly—women are attracted to men with deep voices, so men should learn to speak in low tones and slow down * Dying one’s hair or wearing makeup * Women * Having short hair * Wearing clothes that are overly baggy, or aren’t flattering to one’s figure * Having an excessive amount of tattoos—especially full sleeves * Not being thin relative to one’s natural body shape and proportions Connection One aspect of connection is social capital—how comfortable they are carrying on conversations, being a good listener, telling stories, humor, confidence, etc. Another aspect of connection is having experiences and values that other people find interesting and worthwhile. Examples: * Played or plays sports, or involved in other extracurricular activities like dancing, music, acting, etc. * Went to college—or did not! * Has an interesting job * Enjoys fun hobbies * Reads lots of books, or is highly knowledgeable about movies or series Benefits * Money * Housing * Emotional Support * Good Sex * Cooks, cleans, does yards work, fixes things * Leadership and Strength * Care and Comfort Factors that don’t matter in building successful romantic relationships: * Age gaps: if attraction, connection, and mutually beneficial, these are irrelevant * Case study: meeting people in-person shows this doesn’t matter * Maturity * Matters for marriage with children and maybe in extreme cases * Religious beliefs—unless extreme * Height—to an extent * Judgment of others, like family or friends * Vices—unless extreme * Politics—unless extreme Lack of Value: Why the People Opt Out after Date(s) The simplest reason a person we went on a date or multiple dates with didn’t want to continue building the relationship is that they didn’t see us as offering enough value. Think about the last person you rejected: why? Probably because they weren’t attractive enough, there wasn’t a connection, and/or weren’t really going to benefit your life. Hard to hear—why getting rejected fucking sucks so hard, and why getting ghosted is even worse! However, they have given us valuable information: we’re not valuable enough relative to what other people want—in this case it’s only one person, and we shouldn’t put too much stock in just one person’s opinion, but if this keeps happening, then it’s clear: the value of the people we think we should be matching with is significantly higher than our own. Again, hard to hear! One of two choices: * A) Lower our standards * B) Increase our value If you can’t or don’t want to lower your standards, the only chance is to increase value. When I was first single after my divorce in 2016: * Dating was very difficult for first two years * Got in great shape and increased my social skills * In 2018 all the sudden I couldn’t keep women away, and that continued through 2021 when I met my now ex-girlfriend. The Obstacle is the Way Great book by Ryan Holiday (https://www.amazon.com/s?k=obstacle+is+the+way&hvadid=580651122615&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9060467&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15183155711209036808&hvtargid=kwd-75596396634&hydadcr=21878_13324243&mcid=1dfcdf7e86ad37c7860263b93c620a9b&tag=googhydr-20&ref=pd_sl_2xhx41zmme_e), and it’s clear in this case: * Use the rejection as feedback from the romantic marketplace, and turn it into a strength * People who rejected you: examine why, fix to become better * We should want them to look at our social media a year from now and think: oh shit I totally fucked up * We want this not to cause regret, but because that is the inevitable result if we increase our value Delta from somewhat unattractive to highly attractive = regret of those who passed Delta from making kinda mediocre money to making a ton: buying a house, having a nice car, going on fun, exotic vacations, that person is going to regret their decision. Connection is trickier, but HARD not to connect romantically with people who are super hot and highly successful. If you become highly successful, it’s likely you’ve increased your ability to connect anyway. For myself, for the rest of my life, this will be the poorest and in worst shape I will ever be, and I’m not poor now, nor am I in bad shape. My life is only going to get better, and smart women should want to be a part of that. If you don’t want to lower your standards, you should aim to do likewise. This is how we start making our dates turn into relationships with the people we desire. You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DMing me on Substack, follow me on IG (https://www.instagram.com/ja_getbetter/), or dropping a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts, the ability to comment on everything, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2)

2. 

   19 Apr 2025

   Seven Essential Life Principles

   Links: * Nobody but You, by Charles Bukowski https://wordsfortheyear.com/2014/06/22/nobody-but-you-by-charles-bukowski/ * The Obstacle is the Way, by Ryan Holiday https://www.amazon.com/Obstacle-Way-Timeless-Turning-Triumph/dp/1591846358 * Tim Ferriss interviews Rich Roll https://tim.blog/2022/01/04/rich-roll/ * Winning the Battle Against Social Anxiety https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/winning-the-battle-against-social (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/winning-the-battle-against-social) INTRO * 7 key principles for living a meaningful, fulfilling life * Principles balance personal growth, relationships, and long-term happiness * Emphasize taking control of your own story while accepting life's realities PRINCIPLE 1: BECOME THE PROTAGONIST OF YOUR OWN STORY * Focus on what YOU can control; accept what you can't change * View life as a game: you can't change the rules, but can change how you play * Where possible, work to change systems (vote, protest, join committees) * Remember: as an adult, no heroes are coming to save you * Only you can be the master of your destiny * Reference: Charles Bukowski poem "nobody but you" PRINCIPLE 2: DISCOVER YOUR TALENTS WHILE SECURING YOUR FUTURE * Try many things when young, especially activities outside your comfort zone * When you find something you love, double down on it * Balance passion with practicality – money matters * Find the intersection between: * Your skills * Your interests * What earns a living you're comfortable with * It's perfectly fine if your passion becomes a hobby while your career provides stability PRINCIPLE 3: DEVELOP RESILIENCE AND WORK ETHIC * Life is hard; rejection and failure are inevitable * Learn to get back up, dust yourself off, and continue * Use setbacks as springboards to success * Ask for help when needed * Remember: "Discomfort is the price we pay to grow" * Things most worth achieving rarely come easy PRINCIPLE 4: CULTIVATE RELATIONSHIPS AND COMMUNITY * These people support you when life takes difficult turns * Nurture family bonds, even with imperfect families * Develop in-person communities (more valuable than online ones) * Build friendships and romantic relationships based on: * Trust * Mutual understanding * Shared experiences and interests * Consider marriage/children as one path to built-in purpose and connection * Think about long-term happiness, not just immediate satisfaction PRINCIPLE 5: FIND PURPOSE IN A MISSION OR JOURNEY * Aim sights at larger purpose beyond day-to-day living * Being entertained ≠ being happy long-term * Examples of missions: writing a novel, learning new skills, travel goals * Without a mission: addiction, anxiety, depression find their opening * Key question to ask yourself: "Who am I becoming?" * Most meaningful missions involve serving others or contributing to something larger PRINCIPLE 6: PRIORITIZE PHYSICAL HEALTH * You only get one body – treat it with respect * Focus on sleep, nutrition, exercise, and preventative healthcare * Physical wellbeing directly impacts mental health and productivity * Small, consistent habits yield better results than periodic extreme efforts PRINCIPLE 7: EMBRACE GRATITUDE AND SPIRITUALITY * Develop connection with the majesty of life * Remember our smallness in the grand scheme * Practice gratitude regularly (journaling, mindful moments) * It's okay to pray even if you're atheist * Sometimes it feels good to speak desires into existence CLOSING THOUGHTS * These principles work together to create a foundation for fulfillment * Balance between what we can control and accepting what we can't * Life requires both personal ambition and connection to something greater * Focus on becoming protagonist of your own story while recognizing you're part of something larger Get full access to GetBetterSoon at getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)

3. 

   18 Apr 2025

   The State of the Romantic Marketplace

   INTRO * Being single in modern society is both fun and difficult * Advantages: freedom, new experiences, not being tied down * Challenges: most people desire companionship, even if casual We’ll reverse social convention and talk about the boys first… MEN’S EXPERIENCE IN MODERN DATING * Average men rarely match with women they find attractive on dating apps unless he is very, very good looking (9/10) * High rates of flaking and ghosting after initial contact * In-person approaches (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/guy-game-101-meeting-women-irl) more difficult due to social anxiety (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/winning-the-battle-against-social), and because women often don’t give guys the chance to shoot their shot * The most attractive women are often easiest to talk to and date (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/girl-game-101-how-to-turn-the-odds), which is odd * Men face negative assumptions until proven otherwise * Unrealistic financial expectations compared to previous generations * Women’s rising economic/educational achievement narrows the pool of “successful” men WOMEN'S EXPERIENCE IN MODERN DATING * Desired men are often non-committal, especially post-intimacy * Many men lack maturity and independence ("grown children looking for a mom") * Men often lack sophistication, interests, and clear direction in life * Substance abuse issues are common * Many men seem unprepared for marriage/fatherhood despite claiming to want it * Poor grooming and self-care compared to women's efforts * Political differences create additional compatibility challenges (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/well-you-know-thats-just-like-uh) THE CROSS-PURPOSES PROBLEM * Men experience scarcity of attractive partners * Women experience scarcity of quality relationships * Dating apps amplify these issues (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/how-to-set-up-and-use-dating-apps): * Men lower standards for more opportunities * Women match with attractive men who won't commit * Women are targeting the top 10-20% best looking and most successful men * Evolutionary factors: women's attractiveness peaks earlier, men’s “quality” develops with age * Age gaps in relationships often make sense but face social scrutiny ACTIONABLE ADVICE * Release gender-based resentment; it’s counterproductive and unattractive * Communicate clearly and kindly: * Be direct about disinterest * Don’t flake and don't ghost, especially after intimacy (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/karma-is-a-big-big-btch) * Stay optimistic and prioritize in-person meetings over apps * Help friends meet potential partners through introductions and social events CONCLUSION * Most people are fundamentally good (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/lets-get-better) and seeking connection * Bad dating behavior poisons the environment for everyone * Personal coaching available for those struggling—jallengetbetter@gmail.com KEY QUOTES TO HIGHLIGHT * "Unless he's a 9 or 10, he is rarely matching with women on dating apps he finds attractive." * "Modern women assume you are loser until proven otherwise." * "Men are geared to be attracted to women who are fertile, and women are geared to be attracted to men with status, who can provide and protect." * "Where men lack for opportunity, women lack optionality—both with the type of people they desire most." * "Don't carry your frustrations with you when dating, because it will come across to the other person, and it's a HUGE turnoff." You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DMing me on Substack, or dropping a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts, and the ability to comment on everything. Thanks again for your support! Get full access to GetBetterSoon at getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)

4. 

   8 Apr 2025

   Where to Start if you're Single

   Welcome to GetBetterSoon, helping you win the game of life. What to do if you’re Single * Experience as a dating and relationship coach from 2019 - 2023, and starting up again now. * Worked with men exclusively, but learned a lot about what women experience, because we have to understand the opposite sex and what they want in order to be effective. * Also have personal experience, as I got divorced in late 2016, and need to learn how to navigate the dating marketplace. * Field test advice * General advice for all * Ladies get bad advice, posts for them will be free–women typically won’t pay, and I want to help * Man specific posts will eventually require a paid subscription to access–men need to have skin in the game! * Before we get into it: none of this is meant to be a hot take or stir up controversy. * I know this stuff works: 70% of my clients effectively fired me after six weeks because they didn’t need me anymore, and the other 25% got there in less than six months. They are still my friends * This advice is meant to help! Remember, if I make observations that seem critical, keep in mind that if it doesn’t apply to you, then it’s not about you. Section 1: Physical Fitness and Living a Healthy Lifestyle (note, if you’re happy with yourself just the way you are, wait for section 2 * We want to be the best version of ourselves–it isn’t attractive to be unhealthy * Also, we want to generate authentic desire from our partners, right! * One area where female dating advice is terrible: women are told, “he should love you at any size! You’re perfect just the way you are! You DESERVE a man who loves you no matter what yasssss queen! * NO! Would you love a man no matter what, even if he was a pathetic loser who played video games all day and was unemployed? Do men deserve to have the sort of woman they desire regardless of their looks, fitness, social skills, job, etc? No, they don’t. The first thing I told my clients—again, all male—who were out of shape was: get your ass in the weight room and build muscle/lose weight. It’s the same thing I'm telling myself now: I’m too fat. I need to lose the belly and get fit before I’m going to attract the sort of women I desire. * Tough medicine, but it’s the truth. Not liking something doesn’t mean it’s wrong. And if you’re not willing to put in the work to become more desirable, then you don’t deserve anything—regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman. * Beyond attracting potential partners, improving your fitness also boosts your confidence, energy, and overall mood—this will make you more attractive and make dating far more enjoyable. It will also increase your life and health span, and that’s perhaps the most important reason to take this seriously. * Now, I’m not a strength and fitness coach, but here are some basics—the rest you can surely look up or find influencers on social media to follow who can offer good advice: * Clean up your diet: Stop eating sugar and simple carbohydrates. Fruit is fine, but candy, chocolate, ice cream, soda, rice, bread, alcohol—that stuff has to go. Fine to have the occasional cheat, but these types of foods should not be in your regular diet. * Eat for health: Food is medicine. Focus on complex carbs, vegetables, lean meats or plant protein like tofu or tempeh, nuts, beans, legumes, and healthy fats. * Practice intermittent fasting: Fast for 12 hours. This isn’t that hard, actually—most of it can happen while you sleep. Just have breakfast the same hour you finished dinner the night before. Easy peasy. If you’re curious about the science on why this works, check out this Rich Roll podcast (https://www.richroll.com/podcast/valter-longo-889/). * Strength train consistently: Lift weights 1-3 times a week, hitting all muscle groups. Here’s a great podcast to get the most out of your lifting (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfYBMPCA5pg). Be warned, it’s super broey, but Israetel describes the scientific way to maximize your time in the gym.4 (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/what-to-do-if-youre-single#footnote-4-159647209) Ladies, don’t worry, you won't get huge muscles like man would, because you don’t have enough testosterone to do that. They talk about this in the pod. * Incorporate cardio: Walk, run, bike, or do HIIT workouts 2-4 times a week, the longer the duration the better. That’s it. If you want to get more on this, there’s another great podcast with Dr. Rhonda Patrick on all things diet, health, and fitness (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOvvw3jb6cs)—I’ve listened to this one like three times now. Excellent stuff! Last point, if you really struggle with fitness and diet, but want to do better, hire a coach. It’ll mean you’re putting skin in the game, and they will provide clear guidance, support, and accountability. Kobe Bryant had a personal coach. So did Roger Federer and Serena Williams. If you need help, don’t go it alone. Hire someone to help you. 2. Meet Your Match: Find Someone Who Fits Seek mates who are bringing roughly equal value to what you are bringing to the relationship. The number one reason people are single is that they think deserve someone who has far more value than them in the sexual marketplace. There are two problems with this: * If you’re a man, you’re rarely, if ever, going to get a date with such a woman. And if you do, she’s not going to stick around unless your game is phenomenal. * If you’re a woman, you might get a date, but he’s not going to stick around—a man engages in a long term relationships and/or get married when he finds someone of roughly equal value. Think about it this way: would you want to eat shitty ice cream from 7-11 if you could get premium, locally hand-made delectable ice cream for the same price and convenience? No, you would not. Dating apps have had this effect on the game of dating and mating—people can meet anyone within whatever radius they enter into their settings. This means an attractive woman has a ton of optionality on Hinge, and she’s not going to go on a date with a guy she finds only "meh" in terms of value. Men don’t have nearly as much optionality, but they do have optionality with women of lower value than themselves. Economics 101 tells us that what is more common is less valuable—this is the concept of scarcity, and it applies to dating as well.5 (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/what-to-do-if-youre-single#footnote-5-159647209) Relationships are transactional. Romance and love are beautiful things, but they only happen when both people are getting what they want out of a relationship. Some people are more desirable than others. Let’s say two guys walk into a bar. One is Ryan Gosling, and the other is Wallace Shawn, and both men hit on the same woman. How many times is Wallace Shawn taking her home? Unless she’s super into very old men and a huge fan of the Princess Bride, 0% of the time. It’s inconceivable. This isn’t good or bad—it is what it is: reality. There are plenty of people who aren’t very attractive who are incredibly happy with their partner, who is also not terrifically attractive. But because they have a similar level of value, it works—and then you get to the good stuff: the intangible connection that develops when you truly get to know and love someone. That connection strengthens the relationship tremendously. A person who is happy and in love with their partner is way less likely to stray, even if a super attractive man or woman was to make a pass at them. For example, I gained a lot of weight during my relationship with my ex, but she still loved me, even though I was objectively way less attractive—because she knew who I truly was. People can only love you for who you truly are once they get to know who you truly are, and that doesn’t happen right away. So we have to start at the beginning, which means finding a person who has a similar level of value. What do we value? * Looks: How pretty or handsome they are, their facial symmetry, eyes, jawline, cheekbones, etc. * Body: Their level of fitness, plus the obvious traits we are all aware of such as a man’s size, height, and muscularity, or a woman’s shapeliness and smallness in relation to the man. * Social skills: How a person carries themselves, speaks, and engages with others. Confidence and a sense of humor, as we know, are extremely sexy. (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/winning-the-battle-against-social) * Intelligence: How well educated, adaptable, and quick thinking they are. * Physical intangibles: Body language, voice tonality, how a person uses their eyes, their smile, etc. * Skills and abilities: Anything the person can do that makes the other person’s life better—cooking is a good example.6 (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/what-to-do-if-youre-single#footnote-6-159647209) All of the above are valuable to both sexes—to what degree each matters depends on our individual preferences. Where men and women diverge is that women prefer men who “have their shit together.” That means he’s employed, making decent if not good money, mature, has his own apartment or house, and has a fun and interesting lifestyle. Men prefer women who are feminine: kind, sweet, loving, and playful.7 (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/what-to-do-if-youre-single#footnote-7-159647209) This may sound odd to women, but as long as we’re attracted to her and she’s bringing that beautiful feminine energy, we could care less whether she’s a hair stylist or the partner of a massive law firm.8 (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/what-to-do-if-youre-single#footnote-8-159647209) It’s great if she is successful and has a kick-ass career, but it’s not as important to men as it is to women. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ For short term mating, people are going to mostly focus on the person’s physical value, while for long term partnerships, the other factors become more important. Physical attractiveness, however, is always going to be important, which is why the first section was about fitness and health. Understanding your value in the dating marketplace isn’t about being harsh on yourself or others—it’s being realistic about who you're likely to connect with meaningfully. When you find someone of similar value, you build something authentic that grows stronger over time. The foundation of mutual value creates the conditions where true love and deep connection can flourish. 3. Date Like It's Your Job If you’re single and don’t want to be, you should be going on at least one date a week, minimum. Why? Because dating is a skill and it takes practice. Learning how to engage with a person on a date so as to build attraction is difficult. The more reps you get, the more comfortable you’ll be, and like any skill, if you don’t practice regularly, the flatter your learning curve. A person will get far more proficient at a skill if they practice it for seven days in a row than if they space those same seven days out over six months. Also, you have to give yourself lots of options. Some people might be perfectly nice and of similar value, but just not a good fit for what you’re looking for. That can happen at any stage too, whether you find out they have a lifestyle that doesn’t match your own on the first date, or you reveal you don’t want kids on the fifth, but the other person does and it’s a non-negotiable for them. I dated heavily from 2018 to 2021 before I met my ex-girlfriend, not because many of the women I dated weren’t lovely people, but because either they didn’t want a long term relationship with me, or I didn’t want one with them. It takes time to find the right fit, so we need to give ourselves lots of opportunities to meet them. To make this sustainable: * Budget for dating expenses—coffee dates are perfectly acceptable early on, or a drink or two after work. A walk is actually a great way to get to know someone as well. And I’ll add that a first date should only last an hour or two tops, unless you’re both on fire for each other right away—and maybe even then. There’s something to be said for leaving that pent up desire on the table. Also, whatever you choose to do, the man should plan the date and pay for it. Sorry not sorry. * Take breaks when needed—a week off to recharge is better than dating burnout. * Learn from each experience—keep a simple journal of what worked and what didn’t. Or at least internalize what happened. And focus on what you did, not the other person. Take control of what you can control, let the other stuff go. Last point here: don’t flake on dates. Like, I get it if you have the flu or some valid reason not to go out, but if you make a commitment to meet someone, don’t cancel last minute if you can help it—and if you do, immediately offer another day that would work better. And if you’re flaking because you’re genuinely not interested, just tell them that or make an excuse like, “I’m not ready to date right now, sorry.” Likewise, don’t ghost people—one of the shittiest things you can do to another person is to just disappear after a date, especially if you hooked up. It’s immature and shows a lack of character. And I get it, sometimes people don’t react well to being told you’re not interested in them, but if they send a mean text in response, just block their ass. By communicating you’re not interested, you’re learning about yourself too, because it forces you to think about why you’re not interested, and how you could meet someone more suitable in the future. Apply the Golden Rule here: have you been flaked on or ghosted? Did you like it? My guess is no, so don’t inflict that pain on someone else. 4. Get Out and About Go out and do fun, social things with your friends and family! Don’t rely exclusively on dating apps for your opportunities to meet people. I met my ex-girlfriend at Oktoberfest, and dated almost exclusively without using the apps from 2018–2021 before we met.9 (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/what-to-do-if-youre-single#footnote-9-159647209) Go out for St. Paddy’s Day and Fourth of July, attend local parades and festivals in nearby cities and towns, food and wine festivals, brewfests, Saturday Markets, farmer’s markets, concerts, sporting events, big EDM shows and music festivals, etc. Not only will you be more likely to meet people with similar interests, you’ll also be meeting them in person, where you can immediately sense whether there’s chemistry or not. To address the elephant in the room, yes, this does mean you’re going to have to become comfortable talking to strangers you don’t know. Guys, it is YOUR JOB TO APPROACH. Not saying women can’t, or shouldn’t, but if you look at what women say they want, it’s for the man to initiate the conversation. Now, there are things women can do to make it more likely men will approach, such as: making eye contact, smiling, or standing nearby men she finds attractive, and I’ll address that in more detail in a post upcoming, because it deserves a full explanation. Regardless, it’s imperative to learn social skills (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/winning-the-battle-against-social)—this will increase your value in every single facet of life, especially the game of dating and mating. That is also something I will leave for another, longer post, but I’ll give you at least one easy lead right now: “Hey, having fun today?” Pause for response—if they say something to respond to, respond in kind. Either way, the next question is: “Where are you from?” If a person reacts negatively to those questions, or doesn’t bite, wish them a nice day and move on. Easy peasy. Rejection always stings, but remember my dudes (and the bolder ladies out there): the result of you NOT talking to the girl is the same as if she rejects you. So don’t be a pussy and go talk to her! 5. Employ Your Social Circle: Help From Friends and Family Ask your friends and family if there are any cute, single guys or gals at work they could set you up with. Your people want to help you, so let them!10 (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/what-to-do-if-youre-single#footnote-10-159647209) Also, look for opportunities when hanging out with your family and friends. Are there any cute guys at the campground you’re at? Any lovely ladies at the resort AirBnB your mom and dad rented out for the week? Riding up the chairlift with other people? Make an observation they’re likely to share (the snow is awesome today), ask how their day is going, and proceed from there. Here’s a super hack if you do ski or snowboard: ride up as a single. I recently took a skiing vacation in Montana and Idaho, and when I wasn’t skiing with my buddy or ex, I met a ton of nice people—and even if they’re not single or too old or young for you, it’s a great way to practice getting comfortable talking to people you don’t already know. There’s a lot here to get you started if you’re single, so get going! The biggest mistake people make when undertaking any endeavor is that they don’t start right away. As I mentioned in a recent post about improving decision making (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/decision-making-101-do-or-do-not), once you make a decision to do something, go all in. You’ll quickly discover what you need to adjust, improve, add, or subtract to your process in achieving your goals. Ready for Coaching? Last point here: if you would like coaching, I’m more than happy to help. You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com. For men, there is going to be a cost. When I started coaching in the past, I first offered it for free, but I found I had a bunch of dudes who weren’t really committed to doing the work, which meant we were both wasting our time. Putting money on the table gives both of us stakes in the game—it means I need to do my job to help you, and you need to do the work to implement my instruction. If you hire me, you can expect clear, actionable strategies that work with women, learn how to build confidence, and immediate feedback on your approach. My clients typically see results within 3-4 weeks of implementing my advice. Depending on what your goals are, we’ll develop a plan and program, and then negotiate a fair price for my time and energy. I also have a ton of PDFs I can share that are tremendously helpful. To give you a baseline, my hourly charge is $100, but that is for direct time talking to me on the phone or via zoom, not for the time I spend preparing to coach you. Some guys only need an hour—some more—but if you’re interested, please reach out. For the ladies, I’m willing to do the first few for free simply because I’ve not coached women before. For starters, we’ll implement practical strategies that work with how men actually think and behave (not how they’re “supposed” to act), as well as develop a plan to help you meet the sort of men you desire. My hope is that in working together, I will help you find success, and in turn, I will learn more about what women experience in the dating marketplace. Win-win in my book. As always, if you have comments, questions, or places where you think I'm wrong (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/changing-your-mind-is-a-skill), please post them below in the comment section! Get full access to GetBetterSoon at getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)

5. 

   2 Apr 2025

   Give Yourself Permission to Suck

   Podcast Notes * As written recently, I’m somewhat fluffy and need to “tighten”. * So far so good, lifting regularly, doing HIIT * Hill Sprints * Norwegian 4x4 * Arm and Leg Day * Leg day yesterday, and Arm day tomorrow, but wanted to do something, so I went for a swim. * I’ve always been a strong swimmer, but a while back my friend who swam in high school taught me how to swim like an athlete–great exercise, but… * I sucked! Ran out of gas way too quick, could only do 100m at a time–used to be able to do 200s and 400s! Also usually do an hour or more, but only did like 40 minutes today. LAME! * But it was OK–just getting back into it, and starting and sucking is better than not starting at all. * True of lots of things! Just get going. (Wait til I get going!) Did you listen to my first podcast (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/why-changing-your-mind-is-a-skill)? That was the fourth recording, and I still said “right?” Too many times, there were too many um’s and ahs, plus some noise when I scrolled, and a bit of echo–which I’ve hopefully reduced for this one (let me know!). * Three quick questions on that one if you listened: * Did you like the theme music from that one, or this one better? * Suggestions on things I can do better, or that you found annoying * Do you want video? I recorded it, but it’s just literally me talking and it’s a lot of extra work to upload the video–but I will do it if you guys want me to! Did for this one, so you can compare. * Anyway, it was far from perfect, but have to get started–learned a lot, and will continue to improve the quality of sound and myself as a performer * Another cliche: don’t make perfect the enemy of good. * Anytime you start something new, the hardest part is at the beginning–because you suck. * Movie or book: you don’t understand how the author/director communicates until you’re in there for a bit * Any skill, for obvious reasons–paddle boarding accidents! * Working out * Relationships–dating is the sucky part. Once you get to like the 3rd or 4th date and are really starting to dig each other, that’s when you get to the good stuff. * What to do if You’re Single (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/what-to-do-if-youre-single) * How to Use Dating Apps Effectively (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/how-to-set-up-and-use-dating-apps) * Winning the Battle Against Social Anxiety (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/winning-the-battle-against-social) * Note: this is not new, lots of people have said this–indeed most of my stuff isn’t new. GetBetterSoon is a compilation of original ideas I’ve had combined with stuff I’ve heard from others–I've been obsessed with self-improvement for a long time…and somehow I still suck! Just my riff on things. * Don’t expect to be an expert from the get go, and don’t let sucking at something stop you from pushing on. The learning curve is flat at the beginning, but the more time you put in, the steeper it gets and eventually goes exponential (for some things). * Remember the thing Seth Godin says–quoted this on Decision Making 101 (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/decision-making-101-do-or-do-not), but it’s worth restating: * “We should not deny that games exist. We should learn how games work. And when we make a move in a game that doesn’t seem to work, we should not say we are a bad person. We should say, I made a move that did not work. Those are totally different things. And so the only way you’ve been able to achieve all the things you’ve achieved between the archery, and the dancing, and everything in between, is you make more moves than most people, and you measure them and you don’t do the ones that don’t work again.” * Giving yourself permission to suck is making a move, or several moves in the game, knowing that you will probably get it wrong, but that you’ll learn what is right by getting it wrong, so that next time you can move further ahead much faster. * Each time you do this, you start to memorize and internalize the moves that work, and you learn the system of the game you are trying to play, which leads to a massive advantage if you just keep going! * To dovetail with another common theme on GetBetterSoon, this is a great way to learn to Change Your Mind (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/why-changing-your-mind-is-a-skill). Trying new things puts you in a different head space, and that’s really good–it makes you more likely to want to change things in your life patterns. Get full access to GetBetterSoon at getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)

6. 

   30 Mar 2025

   Why Changing Your Mind is a Skill

   A riff on the blog Changing your Mind is a Skill (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/changing-your-mind-is-a-skill). I also mentioned The Obstacle is the Way, by Ryan Holiday, and some other related blogs: Put Yourself in Their Shoes (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/put-yourself-in-their-shoes) and "Well, you know, that's just like uh, your opinion, man." (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/well-you-know-thats-just-like-uh) Get full access to GetBetterSoon at getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe (https://getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4)

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