Lessons, thoughts, resources, and musings on the world of learning and self improvement. <br/><br/><a href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">getbettersoon.substack.com</a>
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Lessons, thoughts, resources, and musings on the world of learning and self improvement. <br/><br/><a href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">getbettersoon.substack.com</a>
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Recent Episodes
April 24, 2025
When Dating Fails to Lead to Relationships
<p>Welcome message: GetBetterSoon the blog/podcast that helps YOU win the game of life.</p><p><strong>The Foundations of Romantic Relationships:</strong></p><p>* Attraction: sexually attracted to the other person</p><p>* Connection: shared values, experiences, goals, and have fun together!</p><p>* Mutual Benefits: each partner’s life is better with the other person in it than they would be on their own, or with other people</p><p>Combined, these factors represent a person’s value in relationships. If they’re extremely attractive, more people will be interested. If they are good at connecting with others, more people will want to connect with them. Finally, if they benefit those in their lives in some way, more people will want to stick around to enjoy those benefits.</p><p><strong>Attraction</strong></p><p>Attraction is somewhat obvious, but many people seem to do things that lower their attractiveness to the opposite sex, whether because they don’t understand this, or because they are choosing to be a certain way for personal reasons.</p><p>Examples:</p><p>* Not accentuating one’s masculinity or femininity, or choosing to present androgynously. </p><p>* Men:</p><p>* Not working out i.e. having small muscles and/or being out of shape</p><p>* Having body language that displays weakness, like bad posture, excessive speaking with one’s hands</p><p>* A high voice pitch and speaking quickly—women are attracted to men with deep voices, so men should learn to speak in low tones and slow down</p><p>* Dying one’s hair or wearing makeup</p><p>* Women</p><p>* Having short hair</p><p>* Wearing clothes that are overly baggy, or aren’t flattering to one’s figure</p><p>* Having an excessive amount of tattoos—especially full sleeves</p><p>* Not being thin relative to one’s natural body shape and proportions</p><p><strong>Connection</strong></p><p>One aspect of connection is social capital—how comfortable they are carrying on conversations, being a good listener, telling stories, humor, confidence, etc.</p><p>Another aspect of connection is having experiences and values that other people find interesting and worthwhile. Examples:</p><p>* Played or plays sports, or involved in other extracurricular activities like dancing, music, acting, etc.</p><p>* Went to college—or did not!</p><p>* Has an interesting job</p><p>* Enjoys fun hobbies</p><p>* Reads lots of books, or is highly knowledgeable about movies or series</p><p><strong>Benefits</strong></p><p>* Money</p><p>* Housing</p><p>* Emotional Support</p><p>* Good Sex</p><p>* Cooks, cleans, does yards work, fixes things</p><p>* Leadership and Strength</p><p>* Care and Comfort</p><p><strong>Factors that don’t matter in building successful romantic relationships:</strong></p><p>* Age gaps: if attraction, connection, and mutually beneficial, these are irrelevant</p><p>* Case study: meeting people in-person shows this doesn’t matter</p><p>* Maturity</p><p>* Matters for marriage with children and maybe in extreme cases</p><p>* Religious beliefs—unless extreme</p><p>* Height—to an extent</p><p>* Judgment of others, like family or friends</p><p>* Vices—unless extreme</p><p>* Politics—unless extreme</p><p>Lack of Value: Why the People Opt Out after Date(s)</p><p>The simplest reason a person we went on a date or multiple dates with didn’t want to continue building the relationship is that they didn’t see us as offering enough value. Think about the last person you rejected: why? Probably because they weren’t attractive enough, there wasn’t a connection, and/or weren’t really going to benefit your life. </p><p>Hard to hear—why getting rejected fucking sucks so hard, and why getting ghosted is even worse!</p><p>However, they have given us valuable information: we’re not valuable enough relative to what other people want—in this case it’s only one person, and we shouldn’t put too much stock in just one person’s opinion, but if this keeps happening, then it’s clear: the value of the people we think we should be matching with is significantly higher than our own. </p><p>Again, hard to hear! One of two choices:</p><p>* A) Lower our standards</p><p>* B) Increase our value</p><p>If you can’t or don’t want to lower your standards, the only chance is to increase value. </p><p>When I was first single after my divorce in 2016:</p><p>* Dating was very difficult for first two years</p><p>* Got in great shape and increased my social skills</p><p>* In 2018 all the sudden I couldn’t keep women away, and that continued through 2021 when I met my now ex-girlfriend.</p><p>The Obstacle is the Way</p><p><a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/s?k=obstacle+is+the+way&hvadid=580651122615&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9060467&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15183155711209036808&hvtargid=kwd-75596396634&hydadcr=21878_13324243&mcid=1dfcdf7e86ad37c7860263b93c620a9b&tag=googhydr-20&ref=pd_sl_2xhx41zmme_e">Great book by Ryan Holiday</a>, and it’s clear in this case: </p><p>* Use the rejection as feedback from the romantic marketplace, and turn it into a strength </p><p>* People who rejected you: examine why, fix to become better</p><p>* We should want them to look at our social media a year from now and think: oh shit I totally fucked up </p><p>* We want this not to cause regret, but because that is the inevitable result if we increase our value </p><p>Delta from somewhat unattractive to highly attractive = regret of those who passed</p><p>Delta from making kinda mediocre money to making a ton: buying a house, having a nice car, going on fun, exotic vacations, that person is going to regret their decision.</p><p>Connection is trickier, but HARD not to connect romantically with people who are super hot and highly successful. If you become highly successful, it’s likely you’ve increased your ability to connect anyway.</p><p>For myself, for the rest of my life, this will be the poorest and in worst shape I will ever be, and I’m not poor now, nor am I in bad shape. My life is only going to get better, and smart women should want to be a part of that. </p><p>If you don’t want to lower your standards, you should aim to do likewise. This is how we start making our dates turn into relationships with the people we desire. </p><p>You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DMing me on Substack, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.instagram.com/ja_getbetter/">follow me on IG</a>, or dropping a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts, the ability to comment on everything, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2">getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe</a>
April 19, 2025
Seven Essential Life Principles
<p>Links: </p><p>* Nobody but You, by Charles Bukowski https://wordsfortheyear.com/2014/06/22/nobody-but-you-by-charles-bukowski/</p><p>* The Obstacle is the Way, by Ryan Holiday https://www.amazon.com/Obstacle-Way-Timeless-Turning-Triumph/dp/1591846358</p><p>* Tim Ferriss interviews Rich Roll https://tim.blog/2022/01/04/rich-roll/</p><p>* Winning the Battle Against Social Anxiety </p><p><a target="_blank" href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/winning-the-battle-against-social">https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/winning-the-battle-against-social</a></p><p>INTRO</p><p>* 7 key principles for living a meaningful, fulfilling life</p><p>* Principles balance personal growth, relationships, and long-term happiness</p><p>* Emphasize taking control of your own story while accepting life's realities</p><p>PRINCIPLE 1: BECOME THE PROTAGONIST OF YOUR OWN STORY</p><p>* Focus on what YOU can control; accept what you can't change</p><p>* View life as a game: you can't change the rules, but can change how you play</p><p>* Where possible, work to change systems (vote, protest, join committees)</p><p>* Remember: as an adult, no heroes are coming to save you</p><p>* Only you can be the master of your destiny</p><p>* Reference: Charles Bukowski poem "nobody but you"</p><p>PRINCIPLE 2: DISCOVER YOUR TALENTS WHILE SECURING YOUR FUTURE</p><p>* Try many things when young, especially activities outside your comfort zone</p><p>* When you find something you love, double down on it</p><p>* Balance passion with practicality – money matters</p><p>* Find the intersection between:</p><p>* Your skills</p><p>* Your interests</p><p>* What earns a living you're comfortable with</p><p>* It's perfectly fine if your passion becomes a hobby while your career provides stability</p><p>PRINCIPLE 3: DEVELOP RESILIENCE AND WORK ETHIC</p><p>* Life is hard; rejection and failure are inevitable</p><p>* Learn to get back up, dust yourself off, and continue</p><p>* Use setbacks as springboards to success</p><p>* Ask for help when needed</p><p>* Remember: "Discomfort is the price we pay to grow"</p><p>* Things most worth achieving rarely come easy</p><p>PRINCIPLE 4: CULTIVATE RELATIONSHIPS AND COMMUNITY</p><p>* These people support you when life takes difficult turns</p><p>* Nurture family bonds, even with imperfect families</p><p>* Develop in-person communities (more valuable than online ones)</p><p>* Build friendships and romantic relationships based on:</p><p>* Trust</p><p>* Mutual understanding</p><p>* Shared experiences and interests</p><p>* Consider marriage/children as one path to built-in purpose and connection</p><p>* Think about long-term happiness, not just immediate satisfaction</p><p>PRINCIPLE 5: FIND PURPOSE IN A MISSION OR JOURNEY</p><p>* Aim sights at larger purpose beyond day-to-day living</p><p>* Being entertained ≠ being happy long-term</p><p>* Examples of missions: writing a novel, learning new skills, travel goals</p><p>* Without a mission: addiction, anxiety, depression find their opening</p><p>* Key question to ask yourself: "Who am I becoming?"</p><p>* Most meaningful missions involve serving others or contributing to something larger</p><p>PRINCIPLE 6: PRIORITIZE PHYSICAL HEALTH</p><p>* You only get one body – treat it with respect</p><p>* Focus on sleep, nutrition, exercise, and preventative healthcare</p><p>* Physical wellbeing directly impacts mental health and productivity</p><p>* Small, consistent habits yield better results than periodic extreme efforts</p><p>PRINCIPLE 7: EMBRACE GRATITUDE AND SPIRITUALITY</p><p>* Develop connection with the majesty of life</p><p>* Remember our smallness in the grand scheme</p><p>* Practice gratitude regularly (journaling, mindful moments)</p><p>* It's okay to pray even if you're atheist</p><p>* Sometimes it feels good to speak desires into existence</p><p>CLOSING THOUGHTS</p><p>* These principles work together to create a foundation for fulfillment</p><p>* Balance between what we can control and accepting what we can't</p><p>* Life requires both personal ambition and connection to something greater</p><p>* Focus on becoming protagonist of your own story while recognizing you're part of something larger</p> <br/><br/>Get full access to GetBetterSoon at <a href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4">getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe</a>
April 18, 2025
The State of the Romantic Marketplace
<p>INTRO</p><p>* Being single in modern society is both fun and difficult</p><p>* Advantages: freedom, new experiences, not being tied down</p><p>* Challenges: most people desire companionship, even if casual</p><p>We’ll reverse social convention and talk about the boys first…</p><p>MEN’S EXPERIENCE IN MODERN DATING</p><p>* Average men rarely match with women they find attractive on dating apps unless he is very, very good looking (9/10)</p><p>* High rates of flaking and ghosting after initial contact</p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/guy-game-101-meeting-women-irl">In-person approaches</a> more <a target="_blank" href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/winning-the-battle-against-social">difficult due to social anxiety</a>, and because women often don’t give guys the chance to shoot their shot</p><p>* The <a target="_blank" href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/girl-game-101-how-to-turn-the-odds">most attractive women are often easiest to talk to and date</a>, which is odd</p><p>* Men face negative assumptions until proven otherwise</p><p>* Unrealistic financial expectations compared to previous generations</p><p>* Women’s rising economic/educational achievement narrows the pool of “successful” men</p><p>WOMEN'S EXPERIENCE IN MODERN DATING</p><p>* Desired men are often non-committal, especially post-intimacy</p><p>* Many men lack maturity and independence ("grown children looking for a mom")</p><p>* Men often lack sophistication, interests, and clear direction in life</p><p>* Substance abuse issues are common</p><p>* Many men seem unprepared for marriage/fatherhood despite claiming to want it</p><p>* Poor grooming and self-care compared to women's efforts</p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/well-you-know-thats-just-like-uh">Political differences create additional compatibility challenges</a></p><p>THE CROSS-PURPOSES PROBLEM</p><p>* Men experience scarcity of attractive partners</p><p>* Women experience scarcity of quality relationships</p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/how-to-set-up-and-use-dating-apps">Dating apps amplify these issues</a>:</p><p>* Men lower standards for more opportunities</p><p>* Women match with attractive men who won't commit</p><p>* Women are targeting the top 10-20% best looking and most successful men</p><p>* Evolutionary factors: women's attractiveness peaks earlier, men’s “quality” develops with age</p><p>* Age gaps in relationships often make sense but face social scrutiny</p><p>ACTIONABLE ADVICE</p><p>* Release gender-based resentment; it’s counterproductive and unattractive</p><p>* Communicate clearly and kindly:</p><p>* Be direct about disinterest</p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/karma-is-a-big-big-btch">Don’t flake and don't ghost, especially after intimacy</a></p><p>* Stay optimistic and prioritize in-person meetings over apps</p><p>* Help friends meet potential partners through introductions and social events</p><p>CONCLUSION</p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/lets-get-better">Most people are fundamentally good</a> and seeking connection</p><p>* Bad dating behavior poisons the environment for everyone</p><p>* Personal coaching available for those struggling—jallengetbetter@gmail.com </p><p>KEY QUOTES TO HIGHLIGHT</p><p>* "Unless he's a 9 or 10, he is rarely matching with women on dating apps he finds attractive."</p><p>* "Modern women assume you are loser until proven otherwise."</p><p>* "Men are geared to be attracted to women who are fertile, and women are geared to be attracted to men with status, who can provide and protect."</p><p>* "Where men lack for opportunity, women lack optionality—both with the type of people they desire most."</p><p>* "Don't carry your frustrations with you when dating, because it will come across to the other person, and it's a HUGE turnoff."</p><p>You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DMing me on Substack, or dropping a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts, and the ability to comment on everything. Thanks again for your support!</p> <br/><br/>Get full access to GetBetterSoon at <a href="https://getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4">getbettersoon.substack.com/subscribe</a>
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