How To Sex

About How To Sex

Simple advice from experts, to unlock your deeper sexuality. Welcome to How-To Sex Podcast; a resource to give daily guidance for successful sexuality, regardless of how you like it. We tap into the expertise and insights from a wide variety of masters, who want to share their discoveries, and innovations.

Publisher

Steamy Stories

Category

education · society & culture

Language

en

Explicit

Yes

First episode

20 May 2024

Latest episode

18 Jan 2026

Latest episodes

44 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   18 Jan 2026

   The New Joy of Sex: Part 4

   The New Joy of Sex: Part 4. The allure of any size and shape. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex. Breasts. “In our maturer years,” wrote Erasmus Darwin, “when an object of vision is presented to us which bears any similitude to the form of the female bosom; we feel a general glow of delight, which seems to influence all our senses, and if the object be not too large we experience an attraction to embrace it with our lips as we did in early infancy the bosom of our mothers.” Breasts are the natural second target, but often the first one we reach. Just how sensitive they are, in men as well as in women, varies enormously, and according to physical state and mood. As with other sexual organs, size is unimportant in relation to sensitivity; if it still creates insecurity, however, fascinated attention is a more effective cure than surgery. Some breasts don’t answer at all, even in the emphatically non-frigid; some answer to extremely gentle touches, some to very rough handling (but they are sensitive structures; don’t let a need for forceful contact get the better of sound common sense.) Going round and round the nipple with the tongue tip or the glans, soft kneading with both hands, gentle biting, and sucking gently like a baby are the best gambits; she can do the same for him. (While there, both can occasionally check for suspicious lumps.) If her breasts are big enough to meet, one can get a surprising degree of mutuality from inter-mammary intercourse. This is a good expedient on occasions when she doesn’t feel like vaginal intercourse. She lies half flat on pillows, he kneels astride (big toe to her clitoris if she needs helping) with his foreskin, if he has one, fully retracted. Either he or she can hold the breasts together; wrap them around the shaft rather than rub the glans with them. It should protrude clear, just below her chin. Intercourse between the breasts is equally good in other positions; head to tail, or with her on top (especially if she has small breasts), or man sitting, woman kneeling; experiment accordingly. An orgasm from this position, if she gets one, is “round” like a full coital orgasm, and she feels it inside. Breast orgasms from licking and handling are “in between” in feel. His ejaculation this way gives her what’s known as a “pearl necklace”; he should rub the semen well into her breasts when he has finished (see semen.) Breasts, vagina, and clitoris all at once make the fastest and most concentrated buildup of sensation once intercourse has begun, for some women at least. Many easily stimulated women can also experience a rather special pleasure from suckling a baby. Nipples. a direct hotline to her most sensitive parts. She says: “Unlike a man’s nipples, a woman’s can have a direct hotline to her clitoris and vagina. A man who can dial this correctly and will only take the time can do anything. Palm-brushing, eyelash-brushing, licking, and loud sucking like a baby can work wonders; the orgasms one gets from these are mind-blowing without detracting a jot from intercourse to come after. Please take time.” He, meanwhile, can get a very special jolt from this, made more intense still if she is actually lactating; male suckling is more of a majority interest than you might think. On him, rather than by him, stimulation is less likely to have an effect; few men can get a nipple orgasm, but try a stiff pair of feathers (see feathers) or very gentle fingertip friction; men’s nipples easily get sore. If the effect seems lacking, assiduous attention over time may help; try gentle circles with a toothbrush. There is no proof in the theory that caffeine creates temporary nipple sensitivity, but it’s still worth a try. Fluctuating hormones before her period can turn sensitivity into discomfort, and if there is itching, swelling, bleeding, or discharge, get it checked out. This applies to him as well as to her. If a partner likes pain, or to test the possibility without putting the question direct, pinch nipples lightly, then harder (never when sore, lactating, or newly pierced.) The aim is a balance of pleasure and pain; after, once pressure is released, the whole body will be achingly sensitive for hours. If this appeals, move to nipple clamps (not clothes pegs, which aren’t adjustable); a linked pair with one on each of his and her breasts also provides a neat accompaniment to any movements that create a gentle tug. When taken off, pinch with fingers, then release slowly to allow the blood to flow back in comfortably. Limit time on such play; 15 minutes is enough. Buttocks. a turn-on in almost equal measure far both sexes. Next in line after breasts, buttocks alternate with them as visual sex stimuli for different cultures and individuals. Actually the original primate focus, being brightly colored in most apes; apparently equally fancied by the Neanderthals, who produced some of the best Stone Age figurines. The buttocks are a major erogenous zone in both sexes, though less sensitive than breasts because they have fewer nerves and a layer of fat, and so need stronger stimulation (holding, kneading, slapping, or even harder beating; see discipline.) Intercourse from behind (see rear entry) is a pleasure in itself, but be careful if she has a weak back. In any position the muscular movements of coitus stimulate the buttocks in both sexes, particularly if each holds the partner’s rear fairly tightly, one cheek in each hand. These extra sensations are well worth cultivating deliberately. Visually, good buttocks are a turn on in almost equal measure for both sexes. Penis. while the penis is emphatically his, it also belongs to both of them. Not only the essential piece of male equipment, even if it is often and expressively described as a “tool,” the penis has more symbolic importance than any other human organ, as a dominance signal and, by reason of having a will of its own, generally a “personality.” No point in reading all this symbolism back here, except to say that lovers will experience it, and find themselves treating the penis as something very like a third party. At one moment it’s a weapon or a threat, at another something they share, like a child. Without going into psychoanalysis or biology, it’s not a bad test of a love relationship if, while the penis is emphatically his, it also belongs to both of them. In any case, its texture, erectility, and so on are fascinating to both sexes, and its apparent autonomy, a little alarming. Like the vagina, the penis collects anxieties and folklore, and is a focus for all sorts of magical manipulations. Male self-esteem and sense of identity tend to be located in it, as Samson’s energy was in his hair. If it won’t work, or worse, if she sends it up, or down, the results will be disastrous. This explains the irrational male preoccupation with penile size. Size has absolutely nothing to do with physical serviceability in intercourse, or; since female orgasm doesn’t depend on getting deeply into the pelvis; with capacity to satisfy a partner, though many women are turned on by the idea of a large one, and a few say that they feel more (see size.) If anything, thickness matters more than length. Nor has flaccid size anything to do with erect size; a penis that is large when at rest simply enlarges less with erection. There is no way of artificially “enlarging” a penis. Nor, except in very rare cases, is a penis too big for a woman; widthwise, the vagina will take a full-term baby. If his penis, whatever its length, knocks an ovary and hurts her, he shouldn’t go in so far. A woman who says she is “too small” or “too tight” is usually making a statement about her arousal levels; she needs time, understanding, and foreplay. Shape also varies; the glans can be blunt or conical. This matters only in that the conical shape can make receptacle-tipped condoms uncomfortable through getting jammed in the tip. Women who have really learned to enjoy sex are usually as fascinated by their lover’s penis, size included, as men are by women’s breasts, shape, odor, and feel, and learn to play with it fully and skillfully. Circumcised or not (see foreskin), it’s a fascinating toy quite apart from its main use. There is a whole play scene connected with uncapping, stiffening, and handling it, making it pulsate or ejaculate, that is a major part of togetherness. This is equally important for the man; not only is it ego-boosting, but good hand- and mouth work practically guarantee a good sexual partner. Care and maintenance: if he isn’t circumcised, he will need to retract the foreskin fully for cleaning purposes, and if it won’t retract beyond the corona all round the glans except at the front, get it seen to (correcting it involves a trifling operation with a blunt probe and doesn’t necessarily mean that he needs circumcising.) If it won’t retract properly or is over-tight and gets stuck, get that attended to as well. Slight asymmetry often develops with time; this does no harm unless it’s pronounced or painful, in which case see a doctor. On the other hand, don’t bend an erect penis or use a position in which it could get violently bent by accident. (This usually happens with the woman on top if she is careless near orgasm, or in putting him in, and he is just short of fully stiff; keep a little control here.) It is possible, though difficult, to fracture one of the two hydraulics contained in the shaft. This is very painful and can lead to pain or kinking on subsequent erection. The normal organ will stand up to extremely hard use, but not to these. (Avoid also silly tricks with suction and so on; see inflators.) Sores, discharge, lumps, bumps, bleeding, and so on signal illnesses and need treatment. Even if you both have proof that you are free of all sexually transmitted diseases; if you aren’t, condoms are mandatory; don’t have oral intercourse with someone who has a herpes on the mouth; you can get recurrent herpes of the penis or the vulva, which is a nuisance. If the foreskin is dry from masturbation or long retraction, saliva is the recommended lubricant. Commercial equivalents are now sold that make things more comfortable and add sensation, but steer clear of the ones that claim to slow down or speed up response; they can anesthetize or irritate him and, by association, her. If he has problems in this department, it’s best to use less “quick-fix” methods (see hair-trigger trouble, and performance.) Size. Preoccupation with the size of their genitals is about as common in men (it is a “dominance signal,” like a deer’s antlers) as sensitivity about their breasts and figure is in women. That, however, is its only importance in matters sexual. The “average” penis is just over five inches overall when erect and between three and four inches round, but penises come in all sizes; larger ones may be spectacular, but no more effective except as visual stimuli. Smaller ones work equally well in most positions; and may, as only the first few inches of the vagina are sensitive, actually work better than larger examples. In any case, she will almost always report that what matters is how it’s used, not how big it is. Non-erect size in the male is equally unimportant; some men before erection show no penile shaft at all, but extend to full size easily. The same applies to testicle weight; it varies, as does nose or mouth size, but has little to do with function. Small genitals are usually due to active muscles in the layer beneath the skin; a cold bath will shrink the best-endowed male down to Greek-statue proportions. Accordingly, excessive preoccupation with size is an irrational anxiety, often created by the fact that men see their own penises as small because they are seen from above and other men’s penises as large because they are seen from the front. Don’t fall for the hype on lotions, potions, stretching exercises, or surgery; one can’t reliably and safely increase size, any more than one can increase stature. She should learn not to comment on it except favorably; he should learn not to give it a second thought. The few cases where male genitalia are really infantile occur in conjunction with major gland disturbances and are treatable but rare. All the above reassurance also applies to vaginal size. Few women are too small; lubricate, add lots of foreplay, wait until she has “ballooned” through arousal before penetrating. So long as she isn’t hurting; in which case stop instantly; a tight woman gives the man extra-intense feelings. Nor is any vagina too large: if it seems a loose fit, switch to a posture in which her thighs are pressed together; from behind for best effect. Long term, do Kegel exercises (see pompoir ) to keep muscles toned; though lots of sex works just as well and she will enjoy it more. Apart from postpartum stitching, surgery to tighten the vagina is usually a reflection of lack of confidence on her part or inappropriate demands on his. Genital anatomy probably fixes which postures work best for a given couple, but no more than that. With rare exceptions, men and women are universally adapted. The only practical exception is in the case of a very big penis and a very small woman, in which case she should be careful on top, or she will knock an ovary (which feels very much like accidentally knocking a testicle does for a man), and he should avoid thrusting too hard until he knows he won’t hurt her. As to the size of other structures, such as breasts, these may be individual turn-ons, but every build has its sexual opportunities built in: use them. Foreskin. Cutting off this structure is possibly the oldest human sexual ritual. It still persists; for cultural as well as supposed health reasons. Some believe that cancer of the penis and cervix is rarer when it’s done (a myth) or that it slows down orgasm (for which there is no evidence.) It probably doesn’t make very much difference, either to masturbation or to intercourse; one normally retracts it anyway for all these purposes; though if he doesn’t have one, there is a whole range of covered-glans nuances he can’t recapture. Holding the skin back hard with the hand (her hand) during intercourse works for both the circumcised and uncircumcised as an accelerator, and offers a sensation of its own. Women who have experienced both are divided; as they are over which looks sexier. Some find the circumcised glans “neater” and are even turned off by an unretracted prepuce as looking “feminine,” while others love the sense of discovery that goes with retraction. If he is uncircumcised and she prefers the other, he can retract it; if vice versa, simply find other amusements. In terms of function, it’s probably there for immunological protection and helpful for lubrication; the high density of nerve endings doesn’t harm either. While in the area, a word about the frenulum, the “little bridle” that connects the underside of the glans to the shaft. It is sensitive to stretching; it’s probably this that creates the sensation during up-and-down hand work; and circumcision may tighten it or sometimes remove it altogether. If it’s intact, try lubricating with your thumb, massaging frenulum and little finger directly on it circling smaller and smaller. Flick across with the tongue and apply sustained pressure while he simply relaxes. Reserve this technique, however, until he is ready to come more or less instantly. In sum, the circumcised man isn’t at any important disadvantage (or advantage), but many people prefer to be able to choose their egg with or without salt, and let their children do likewise. Scrotum. Basically, a sperm factory. The testes produce sperm; the scrotum is the control device to keep them producing it at the right temperature, moving up when he is cold and down when he is warm. No need to panic at asymmetry; it’s normal for one testicle to be smaller and for the left one to hang slightly lower; though extraneous lumps or pain should be checked out immediately. It’s also a highly sensitive skin area, and needs careful handling, since pressure on a testis is highly painful to its proprietor. Gentle tongue and finger work or cupping in the hand is about right, or try a fingertip along the visible center line and gentle teasing on the perineum between scrotum and anus. She can take it right into her mouth. Semen. There is no lovemaking without spilling this, on occasions at least. You can get it out of clothing or furnishings either with a stiff brush, when the stain has dried, or with a dedicated cleanser designed to remove blood. If you spill it over each other, massage it gently in. If you want a very copious ejaculate, he can masturbate nearly, but not quite, to orgasm about an hour beforehand to increase prostate secretion. If his semen tastes bad, try altering his diet, and if that makes no difference, get a checkup; it can indicate health problems. She may like to know that an average ejaculation delivers about five calories and a dose of vitamin C. Skin. its coolness, texture, and tightness are triggers far a whole range of sexual feelings. This is our chief extragenital sexual organ; underrated by men, who concentrate on the penis and clitoris; better understood by women. She says: “The smell and feel of a man’s skin probably has more to do with sexual attraction (or the opposite) than any other single feature, even though you may not be conscious of it.” Skin stimulation is a major component of all sex. Not only its feel when touched, but its coolness, texture, and tightness are triggers for a whole range of sexual feelings. Built in; the so-called erogenous zones are the ones most rich in nerve endings; lips, earlobes, feet, buttocks, breasts as well as genitals. Sensitivity will vary; for both according to mood and for her according to menstrual cycle. But it can be boosted in some people by emphasis, and by adding other textures, especially fur, rubber, leather, or tight clothing. Much underrated part of human sexual response, to be played to the full if it turns you on (see friction rub, pattes d’araignee, and tongue bath; use these to educate your own and your partner’s skin.) Lubrication. Most natural lubrication comes from her; the male equivalent kicks in only just before orgasm, which is far too late. The normal excited vagina is correctly set for friction; if she is too wet, dry gently with a handkerchief-wrapped finger (not tissues; you will never stop finding the bits.) But don’t try to de-lubricate with lotions or potions; they can lacerate the vagina. If she is too dry; it’s normal for many women; it’s likely because she is not sufficiently aroused; simply take the time and put in the effort. More lasting dryness can be due to stress, infections, medication, depression, hormonal ups and downs, and some medical conditions; see a doctor. If more lubrication is needed, saliva is the best natural one. There is also much to be said for the many commercial possibilities offering added sensation, smells, and tastes, though note that oil-based ones destroy latex condoms, silicone-based ones destroy silicone sex toys, and some anesthetize. Be particularly sure to use lubricant if he is penetrating anywhere that doesn’t naturally oblige; breasts, armpit, anus. To be continued. based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam, for The New Joy of Sex.

2. 

   13 Jan 2026

   The New Joy of Sex: Part 3

   The New Joy of Sex: Part 3. A Lover's State of Mind and Soul. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex. Hormones. The fuel in the sex machine, keeping desire, arousal, and performance ticking over, as well as driving affection and love. For the most part, they form a constant underpinning of mood, supporting though never replacing the honest-to-goodness sexual diesel generated by enthusiastic lovers. A peak or a valley, on the other hand, can impact. Sexually, the crucial fuel is testosterone, for her as well as for him. His will peak during his twenties, then settle into a more or less consistent pattern, dipping over the course of a long term relationship and rising in a new one; no excuse for straying, but a possible explanation of the temptation to do so. With age, it will gently decline; but rarely enough to cause problems; if his erection is failing, that’s reason for action, not resignation. In her, testosterone has the same effect, raising desire, demand, and energy; in the last third of her menstrual month, when levels of the hormone are high, try more urgent, fighting sex. Around the menopause, as estrogen drops away and testosterone levels stay high, she may find to her delight a lust that lasts for months or years; a second adolescence of which she can take full advantage. Oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” both bonds partners in affection and makes them less likely to want to be sexual; one reason why the postorgasmic default is to hug rather than go for a second bout. Add in prolactin, the “done that, time to rest” hormone also released at orgasm, to explain why, for him in particular, the default may well be to sleep. Prolactin is released when breast-feeding too, another reason why postpartum she may be utterly turned off all things sexual; just as the contraceptive pill, breast-feeding, and stress may imbalance her general hormone levels, with the same low-desire result. But never be held hostage; hormones may affect mood, but they can’t overrule action; clear thinking, reassuring communication, and making love regardless are often enough to offset imbalances. These notes are mainly included here for interest and understanding; all genuine lovers will want to know what’s under the hood in order to make the car purr more sweetly; but largely there are no bedroom applications. If the machine falters, however, science is increasingly able to supply an answer; see your doctor. Preferences. More of us than we may think have a wide sexual range; that is to say, are able to respond sexually to either gender. Yes, many recognize who they are early in life and never shift. But adolescents often experiment before settling, and adults dream; same-sex relationships are in the top three sexual fantasies for heterosexuals, and some of the most surprising people; like Hans Christian Andersen; live out such dreams in real life. Preferences are not a choice that can be overridden in the long term; you may like both sexes, but if you don’t, the irrelevant one simply doesn’t smell right and there is no negotiating that. If you occasionally wonder; as opposed to having strong and clear desires in a particular direction; you are probably not gay but curious. If you have strong, clear desires, don’t agonize but talk it through; ringing a gay or lesbian help line won’t mean you are persuaded or presupposed into it, but will mean you speak to someone who has asked themselves the same questions as you have and found appropriate answers. Your own answer, once found, could transform your sex life and also your life in general; passion can flow and activities that seemed off-putting with one gender can, with the other, feel natural and fulfilling. Surely it doesn’t need saying that the joy of sex is rooted in knowing who you really are. As to the whole political agenda, happily in most countries all of the above is not the “problem” it was when this book was first written, though in most cultures it’s still a challenge and in others it’s still actively against the law, either secular or religious. We, however, believe that one person’s flavor of sexuality is no one else’s business; everyone should be free to follow their inclinations without fear or favor. If you don’t, you not only waste your own life pretending to be someone you aren’t, you also potentially waste the life of a partner who knows there is something not quite right but can’t pinpoint it. Whatever your preferences, be honest with yourself and your beloved, and never think you can “cure” a partner of their own preference by imposing yours upon them. This book is written for the straight reader but, within the context of a loving relationship, behaviors borrowed from the whole range of possible preferences can have their uses. Don’t dismiss (or judge) anything until you have tried it at least once. Confidence. It is, surely, a self-fulfilling prophecy that the more confident you are, the more you will enjoy sex. This is not about arrogance; the assumption that one is God’s gift will be an instant turnoff, particularly to women, if only because they know with that sort of mental map a man won’t have bothered to learn enough to be even moderately useful. At the other end of the extreme, a partner who starts off lacking in confidence only proves delightful if they ultimately benefit from care and feeding; lasting and insistent insecurity is draining in bed and out of it. But true sexual confidence; being relaxed, knowledgeable about oneself, willing to learn about another, ready to ask for what’s needed, happy to take charge, and unwobbled by either failure or rejection; makes for that ultimate in sexual partners, one who is able both to give and receive with an equal abundance of pleasure. This has nothing to do with looks. Nowadays, almost all women; and an increasing number of men; are scared of being spurned on that count, but this is because the media manipulates body image. If you don’t love your body, change your mind; if your partner doesn’t love your body, change your partner. Note to her: men are almost always more focused on sensation and the feelings of acceptance that sex gives than on your size, shape, or degree of firmness. If he has ever hugged you clothed, he already knows your shape; if when you are unclothed he has an erection, then he not only accepts but lusts after it. Note to him: women care hardly at all about shape, so relax please. He, however, may have other insecurities. He is asked to demonstrate potency in much more obvious ways than she is, and the men’s magazines may have convinced him that unless he can do so he will be rejected. But in terms of pure erection, there are always other ways; and for most women those ways are just as acceptable, certainly on an occasional basis. If generally nervous, the answer is to end up in bed only with a partner one is relaxed with and then try things out. As with all human activities, the way to mastery is through play. Whatever one’s size, experience, and ability; or disability; good sex is one of the most powerful confidence-builders because it places each partner right in the center of the other’s attention; beyond that, genuine compliments, demonstrated affection, and a total lack of comparison will complete the magic spell. She says: “Show me that you think I’m beautiful and everything else follows.” His words may be different, but the essential message will be the same. Cassolette; her greatest sexual asset alter her beauty. French for perfume box. The natural perfume of a clean woman: her greatest sexual asset after her beauty (some would say greater than that.) It comes from the whole of her; hair, skin, breasts, armpits, genitals, and the clothing she has worn: it is her own signature scent and no two women are the same in this respect. Men have a natural perfume too, which women are aware of, but while a man can be infatuated with a woman’s personal perfume, women on the whole simply tend to notice if a man smells right or wrong. Wrong means not so much unpleasant as intangibly not for them. Often their awareness of a man includes conditioned extras such as work odors or aftershave. Because it’s so important, she needs to guard her own personal perfume carefully and learn to use it as part of her powers of attraction as skillfully as she uses the rest of her body. (We now know the science behind all this; pheromones, a kind of biological speed-bonding, making one attractive, relaxing a potential partner, creating mood. They say, “I’m interested; I’m interesting.”) In particular, a woman’s personal perfume can be a long-range weapon (nothing seduces a man more reliably, and this can happen subliminally), but at the same time a skillful man can read it, if he is an olfactory type, and if he knows her, to determine when she is sexually excited. Susceptibility and consciousness of human clean perfumes vary in both sexes. Women have the keener sense of smell, but men respond to it more as an attractant. Whether these are inborn differences, like inability to smell asparagus, or whether they are due to unconscious blocking-out, we don’t know. Some children can’t understand the point of blind man’s buff because they know by smell who is touching them: some women can smell that they are pregnant. Men can’t smell some chemicals related to musk unless they have a shot of female sex hormone. Far more human loves and antipathies are based on smell than our deodorant-and-aftershave culture admits. Many people, especially women, say that when it’s a question of bed or not-bed, they let their noses lead them. Which means it’s sad that, culturally, we are conditioned to deodorize and perfume. Better by far would be soap and water, although the unfortunates who sweat profusely may well have problems. A mouthful of aluminum chloride in an armpit is one of the biggest disappointments bed can afford, and a truly deodorized partner would be another. If smell (and taste) do become unpleasant, it’s probably a shift of diet or an infection; both can be cleared up, and should be done so in short order. There is no excuse for bad breath or the unilateral eating of garlic. Where lovemaking regularly happens at the end of a long, hot, or hard day, create a ritual of showering together beforehand. If you find each other’s perfume becoming distasteful long term, however, it may be a reflection of a more emotional distaste. Take it seriously. Many women shave their armpit hair, conditioned as they are by the idea that hairlessness is sexy. Opinions are divided on this one; fashion dictates armpits should be bare, but hairs catch our pheromonal scent. This could be played as an argument for more body hair in general, but men’s facial hair doesn’t have the day-to-day importance of a woman’s little tufts. These are antennae and powder puffs to introduce herself in a room, or in lovemaking. They are there to brush the man’s lips with; he can do the same more circumspectly. Kissing deeply in the armpit leaves a partner’s perfume with you. In the genital kiss, start with the lips covered, then brush the closed lips, then open her; when she gives the kiss to a man, she proceeds in the same order. It’s the fullest way to become aware of each other, even before you start to touch. She will feel much more at ease with this if he says clearly that he likes her scent and taste. Many women labor under the belief that their natural odor, particularly the pussy scent, is too strong. He can reverse this more or less instantly by showing enthusiasm. Vulva; can be stroked, sucked, squeezed, licked, softly stimulated with a vibrator. Her external parts, the equivalent of scrotum and penile skin for him, and beautifully immortalized in feminist artist Judy Chicago’s exhibition The Dinner Party; thirty-nine vulval images symbolizing thirty-nine inspirational women. Can be stroked, sucked, squeezed, licked, softly stimulated with a vibrator; go up one side and down the other. Her perineum; between vagina and anus; is as sensitive as his; tease gently with a fingertip. The U-spot (see trigger points), between clitoris and vagina, can also be gently pressed in circular movements; use a careful knuckle or the tip of his penis; an unerect penis will give different sensations from an erect one. If she is sensitive post-climax, this will help her scale the peak again. She may be insecure about the way she looks here; color, thickness, and size; but this is just one more reflection of the fact that most genital images we see have been doctored. New or growing lumps or bumps, however, like rashes or pain, need attention. The current fashion for “tidying” labia surgically is a mutilation; in cultures less primitive than ours, women do the opposite, actively stretching their labia, then proudly folding them into origami shapes. Vagina. As magic as the penis, and to some males slightly scary: luckily, few anxieties survive closer acquaintance, but they are involved in certain male hang-ups. Prudes treat it as if it was radioactive; “All magic,” said a Papuan wizard, “radiates from it as fingers do from a hand”; and a lot of put-downs of women throughout history grew from this kind of Freudian undergrowth. This is sad, for the vagina to her is as powerful yet vulnerable as the penis is to him, the source of reassuring menstrual blood, thudding orgasms, longed-for birth. Theoretically, only the first third of the vagina is truly sensitive; as a symbol of her openness and femininity, however, the whole of it is at the heart of her sexuality. Normally slightly moist, or women would squeak when they walk, the vagina wets more or less copiously with sexual excitement; some women also ejaculate at orgasm, though that’s certainly not universal (see trigger points.) Apart from this, any staining, discharge, rash, bleeding, or pain indicates infection and needs checking out; have regular Pap smears and a vaccination too, please, to protect against cervical cancer. The normal vaginal odor varies greatly between women and between times, but should always be pleasant and sexually exciting. For care and maintenance, don’t douche; it destroys not only healthy secretions but also the pheromones that attract him. A healthy vagina self-cleans. Whether or not he has ever explored a woman’s pussy in detail, with fingers, eyes, and tongue, he should make sure he explores hers. She should learn to kiss with it; she has two mouths to his one. Clitoris. The first edition of this book commented that “the phallic-minded male is inclined to make a reassuring rush for the clitoris.” We now know that such a male would be absolutely correct; the clitoris and the phallus are in fact gender-adapted equals. Australian urologist Helen O’Connell’s research shows that the average clitoris; both what’s above the surface and the much bigger section buried in the pelvis; is quite as big as a flaccid penis, is made of exactly the same erectile tissue, has a penis-like shaft, and displays a tiny glans with its own foreskin. Smugly, it also has twice the number of nerve endings as its male counterpart. Whether because of too little knowledge or too much distrust, society has never given the clitoris the same weight of symbolism as the penis. Those more aware, however, know that its role is to set light to the vagina as “pine shavings can be kindled to set a log of; wood on fire” (Freud.) Comedienne Carol Leifer put it more succinctly: “Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location” (see clitoral pleasure.) It is regrettable that some cultures feel the need to excise it; though Western cultures too, until very recently, used circumcision as a cure for “female problems.” As to its role in climax, there is surely no point in joining the “pro” or “con” debate; everyone has the right to experience an orgasm in as many ways as they want to and are able to. But it should be added that while many women don’t ever orgasm easily through intercourse, few fail to orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris. It is, of course, the only human organ designed purely for pleasure. Mons pubis. The decorative fat pad situated over the female pubic bone that acts as a buffer in face-to-face intercourse, and which, more importantly, incorporates a layer of nerve endings that serve to transmit sensation to the rest of the area when it moves or is moved. Many men are not aware, if they are oversold on direct clitoris stimulation, that most women can be brought to orgasm simply by holding this gently in the cupped hand and kneading or shaking it, before, without, or as well as putting a finger in the vagina (see pubic hair.) He can either grasp it (it exactly fits the palm) or rest the heel of his hand on it while using the fingers on the labia, or he can cup the whole area, mons and closed labia, in palm and fingers; he can then practice seeing how much sensation he can produce with her lying completely closed. In return, she can grasp his mons, circling his penis with her fingers, her other hand on his scrotum; though typically the effect is not the same; some men find that it simply tickles. To be continued. based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam, for The New Joy of Sex.

3. 

   8 Jan 2026

   The New Joy of Sex: Part 2

   The New Joy of Sex: Part 2. A private performance of fine arts. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex. The antique idea of the woman as passive and the man as performer used to ensure that he would show off playing solos on her, and early marriage manuals perpetuated this idea. Today, she is herself the soloist par excellence, whether in getting him excited to start with, or in controlling him and showing off all her skills. Solo recitals are not, of course, necessarily separate from intercourse. Apart from leading into it, there are many coital solos; for the woman astride, for example; while mutual masturbation or genital kisses can be fully fledged duets. Solo response can be electrifyingly extreme in the quietest people. Skillfully handled by someone who doesn’t stop for yells of murder but does know when to stop, a woman can get orgasm after orgasm, and a man can be kept hanging just short of climax to the limit of human endurance. The solo-given orgasm, whether from her or from him, is unique; neither bigger nor smaller in either sex than a full duet but different; sharper but not so round. And most people who have experienced both like to alternate them. Trying to say how they differ is a little like describing wine. Differ they do, however, and much depends on cultivating and alternating them. Top-level enjoyment doesn’t have to be varied, it just often is. In fact, being stuck rigidly with one sex technique usually means anxiety. In this book we have not, for example, focused on coital postures to the exclusion of all else. The common positions are now familiar to most people from writing and pictures if not from trial; the more extreme ones, as a rule, should be spontaneous, but few of them have marked advantages. This explains the apparent emphasis in this book on extras; the “sauces and pickles.” That said, individuals who, through a knot in their psyche, are obliged to live on sauce and pickle only are unfortunate in missing the most sustaining part of the meal; exclusive obsessions in sex are very like living exclusively on horseradish sauce through allergy to beef; fear of horseradish sauce, however, as indigestible, unnecessary, and immature is another hang-up, namely puritanism. One of the things still missing from the essence of sexual freedom is the unashamed ability to use sex as play. In the past, ideas of maturity were nearly as much to blame as old-style moralisms about what is normal or perverse. We are all immature, and have anxieties and aggressions. Coital play, like dreaming, may be a programmed way of dealing acceptably with these, just as children express their fears and aggressions in games. Adults are unfortunately afraid of playing games, dressing up, and acting scenes. It makes them self-conscious: something horrid might get out. In this regard, bed is the place to play all the games you have ever wanted to play; if adults could become less self-conscious about such “immature” needs, we should have fewer deeply anxious people. If we were able to transmit the sense of play that is essential to a full, enterprising, and healthily immature view of sex between committed people, we would be performing a mitzvah: playfulness is a part of love that could be a major contribution to human happiness. But still the main dish is loving, un-self-conscious sexual pleasure of all kinds; long, frequent, varied, ending with both parties satisfied, but not so full they can’t face another light course, and another meal in a few hours. The piece de resistance is good old face-to-face matrimonial, the finishing-off position, with mutual orgasm, and starting with a full day or night of ordinary tenderness. Other ways of making love are special in various ways, and the changes of timbre are infinitely varied; complicated ones are for special occasions, or special uses like holding off an over-quick male orgasm, or are things that, like pepper steak, are stunning once a year, but not dietary staples. There are, after all, only two “rules” in good sex, apart from the obvious one of not doing things that are silly, antisocial, or dangerous. One is: “Don’t do anything you don’t really enjoy,” and the other is: “Find out your partner’s needs and don’t balk at them if you can help it.” In other words, a good giving and taking relationship depends on a compromise (so does going to a show; if you both want the same thing, fine; if not, take turns and don’t let one partner always dictate.) This can be easier than it sounds, because unless their partner wants something they find actively off-putting, real lovers get a reward not only from their own satisfaction but also from seeing the other respond and become satisfied. Most wives who don’t like Chinese food, will eat it occasionally for the pleasure of seeing an Asian food loving husband enjoy it, and vice versa. Partners who won’t do this over specific sex needs are usually balking not because they have tried it and it’s a turnoff (many experimental dishes are nicer than you expected), but through ignorance of the range of human needs, plus being scared if these include things like forcefulness, cultivating extragenital sensation, o r role-playing, which previous social mythology pretended weren’t there. Reading a full list of the unscheduled accessory sex behaviors that some normal people find helpful might be thought a necessary preliminary to any extended sexual relationship. Repolishing. Couples should match up their needs and preferences (though people don’t find these out at once); you won’t get to some of our suggestions or understand them until you have learned to respond. It’s a mistake to run so long as walking is such an enchanting and new experience, and you may be happy pedestrians who match automatically. Where a rethink really helps is at the point where you have gotten used to each other socially (sex needs aren’t the only ones that need matching up between people who live together), and feel that the surface needs repolishing. If you think that sexual relations are overrated, the surface does need repolishing, and you haven’t paid enough attention to the wider use of your sexual equipment as a way of communicating totally. The traditional expedient at the point where the surface gets dull is to trade in the relationship and start all over in an equally uninstructed attempt with someone else, on the off chance of getting a better match-up by random choice. This is emotionally wasteful, and you usually repeat the same mistakes; better by far to repolish. As to practicalities, we suggest couples either read the book together or (perhaps even better) read it separately, marking passages for the other partner’s attention. This works wonders if; as is often the case; you don’t really talk easily about sexual needs, or are afraid of sounding tactless. Finally, if you don’t like the repertoire or if it doesn’t square with yours, never mind; the aim of The Joy of Sex is to stimulate your creative imagination. Sex books can only suggest techniques in order to encourage you to experiment. You can preface your own ideas with “this is how we play it,” and play it your own way. But by that time, when you will have tried all your own creative sexual fantasies, you won’t need books. Ingredients. Tenderness. a constant awareness of what your partner is feeling, plus the knowledge ol how to heighten that feeling, gently, toughly, slowly, or last. This, in fact, is what the whole book is about. It doesn’t exclude extremely forceful games (though many people neither need nor want these), but it does exclude clumsiness, heavy-handedness, lack of feedback, spitefulness, and non rapport generally. Tenderness is shown fully in the way you touch each other. What it implies at root is a constant awareness of what your partner is feeling, plus the knowledge of how to heighten that feeling, gently, toughly, slowly, or fast, and this can only come from an inner state of mind between the two of you. No really tender person can simply turn over and go to sleep afterwards. Many if not most inexperienced men, and some women, are just naturally clumsy; either through haste, anxiety, or lack of sensing how the other sex feels; so don’t grab breasts, stick fingers into the vagina, bend the penis, or (and this goes for both sexes) misplace bony parts of your anatomy. More women respond to very light than to very heavy stimulation; just brushing pubic or skin hairs will usually do far more than a whole-hand grab. At the same time, don’t be frightened; neither of you is made of glass. Women, by contrast, often fail to use enough pressure, especially in hand work, though the light, light variety is a sensation on its own. Start very gently, making full use of the skin surface, and work up. Stimulus toleration in any case increases with sexual excitement and even hard blows can become excitants (though not for everyone.) This loss of pain sense disappears almost instantly with orgasm, so don’t go on too long, and be extra gentle as soon as he or she has come. If we could teach tenderness, most of this book would be superseded. If you are really heavy-handed, a little practice with inanimate surfaces, dress fastenings, and so on will help. Strength is a turn-on in sex, but it isn’t expressed in clumsy hand work, bear hugs, and brute force; at least not as starters. If there is a problem here, remember you both can talk. Few people want to be in bed on any terms with a person who isn’t basically tender, and most people are delighted to be in bed with the right person who is. The ultimate test is whether you can bear to find the person there when you wake up. If you are actually pleased, then you can be sure that you are onto the right thing. Nakedness. The normal state for lovers who take their work at all seriously, at least as a basic requisite. They don’t so much start clothed, and shed what they must, as start naked, and add any extras they need. Nakedness doesn’t mean lack of ornament. A woman may take off all her clothes, but put on all her jewels; the only practical need, as with wristwatches, is to see they don’t catch or scratch. This is for daylight; it is difficult to sleep in them. For night, an increase in the value put on lovemaking is probably the main reason that many people now sleep naked. The only exception may be after; warm bodies tend to stick, and a blotter worn by one or other can add to comfort. Nudists used to be associated with health fanatics enjoying a strict regime of cold showers and vigorous sports. Now, thank goodness, a more relaxed attitude prevails. Today, nudity is natural, not a ritual. Organized “nudism” in most countries is a family affair. This is probably a good idea; the nudity of one’s own parents can be worrying to some children, and shouldn’t be overdone. There is, however, a lot to be said for the opportunity to look at men and women in general under unforced conditions; it is the discharge of residual anxiety of this sort about our body acceptability that probably makes group nudity so relaxing, rather than the opportunity to get an all-over tan. There is also evidence that children brought up in a naturist environment may be more responsible when faced with sexual opportunities and asked to make sexual choices. You should be able to pick a naturist club to taste; they offer facilities for open-air nakedness, which are hard to organize at home, and are universally tough on sexual advances, which makes for an almost uniquely relaxed atmosphere. Women (by her for him.) Women, like men, have direct physical responses, sure; science proves that we get turned on just as much as you and as quickly; it’s simply that traditionally we have been discouraged. But our triggers are different (breasts and skin first, please, not a direct grab at the clitoris), and can’t be short-circuited. It matters to us who is doing what, far more than it does to most men. The fact that, unlike you, we can’t be visibly turned off and lose erection often confuses men into hurrying things or missing major resources. It isn’t true that nudity, erotica, and so on; don’t excite us. Probably the difference is that they aren’t overriding things and that we don’t separate them from emotions as easily as you do. Is it fair, I wonder, to give a simple instance? You, sir, can make orgiastically satisfactory love with a near stranger in half an hour flat. But please don’t think for that reason that you can do the same for a woman who loves you personally if, at the end of the half-hour, you turn over and go straight to sleep. Granted this however, there are common reactions. Granted this difference, however, there are common reactions. We seem to be less heavily programmed than you for specific turn-ons, but once we see one of these working on a man we care about, we soon program it into our own response, and can be less rigid and more experimental because of this ability. Often, if women seem under-active, it’s because we are wary of doing the wrong thing with that particular man, like touching up his penis when, in fact, he is trying not to ejaculate; tell us if you see us at a loss. The penis isn’t a “weapon” for us so much as a shared possession; it’s less the size than its personality, unpredictable movements, and moods that make up the turn-on. We like penetration because it makes us feel close to you; but don’t feel put down if we don’t then necessarily climax through it alone (see her orgasm); work with that rather than being discouraged by it. Another important thing is the tough-tender mixture: obviously strength is a turn-on, but clumsiness (elbows in eyes, twisted fingers, for instance) is the dead opposite. You never get anywhere by clumsy brutality; however brutal good lovemaking sometimes looks, the turn-on is strength-skill-control, not large bruises, and the ability to be tender with it. Some people ask “tough or tender?” but the mood shifts so fast that you have got to be able to sense it. Surely it’s possible; because some lovers do it; to read this balance from the feel of the woman. No obsessive views about reciprocity; who comes on top and so on evens out during the passing of time: there can be long spells when we are happy to let you do the work, and others when we need to control everything ourselves and get an extra kick from seeing how we make you respond. Women aren’t “submissive” any more than men; if we have knuckled under in the past, it’s only through social pressures. If we are dominant, we don’t always act it out in bed by wearing spurs and cracking a whip. Men have a real advantage here in the constructive use of play (and can help women to act it out too.) Since we all have some aggressions, good sex can be wildly forceful, but still never cruel. As for sexual equality, nobody can possibly be a good lover without regarding their partner as a person and an equal. That is really all there is to be said on the matter. Our sense of smell is the keener. Don’t over-saturate early on with masculine odors; just before orgasm is probably the time for full odor contact. Our own smell excites us as well as yours. We learn, over a period of time, that the sort of hand and mouth work that men like varies enormously. Some like it very rough, some hate it anything but extremely gentle, others in between. There is no way for us to tell except by asking and being told; therefore it’s up to you to say what you like or you may get the opposite; remember that we love to know how to be good for you. Some men are extraordinarily passive, or unimaginative, or inhibited, and; oddly; when they are any of these things, we don’t become correspondingly forceful. We may long to do things and feel thoroughly frustrated, but we won’t show it in most cases. So a woman’s lovemaking will only be as good as her partner’s and, more important, she will resent any man who is unexciting, not only because he is unexciting, but also because she will know she has been unexciting too. Finally, you should never presume that what excites one woman sexually will work just as well on another woman. Women probably do differ sexually rather more than men, because of the greater complexity of our sexual apparatus (breasts, skin, and so on as well as pussy.) Never assume that you don’t need to relearn for each person. This is also true for a woman with a new man, but perhaps a little less so. Men (by him for her.) The most valued thing in lovemaking is "the divine gift of lechery.” We often wish that women’s sexuality was like ours, even though we know it isn’t. Our sexual response is far brisker and more automatic: it’s triggered easily by things, like putting a coin in a vending machine. Consequently, women and parts of women provide automatic sexual stimulus for us; your clothes, breasts, odor, and so on aren’t what we love instead of you; simply the things we need in order to set sex in motion and express love. You seem to find this hard to understand. Secondly, most though not all male feeling is ultimately centered in the last inch of the penis (though you can, if you start intelligently, teach us female-type sensitivity all over the surface of our skin.) And unlike yours, our sexuality depends on a positive performance; we have to be turned on to achieve an erection, and not turned off, in order to function; we can’t be passively “taken.” This matters intensely to men at both a biological and a personal level; sexual success is what makes us feel worthwhile. It explains why we are emphatically penis-centered and tend to open the proceedings with genital play, probably before you are ready and when you would much rather wait to get in the mood. Genital approach is how we get into the mood. You need to understand these reactions, as we need to understand yours. A woman’s concern about being a sex object misses the point; sure, the woman and the various parts of her are sex objects, but most men ideally would wish to be treated piecemeal in the same way. Thus, the most valued thing, from you, in actual lovemaking, is intuition of these object reactions, and direct initiative; starting the play, taking hold of the penis, giving genital kisses ahead of being asked; being an initiator, a user of your stimulatory equipment. This is hard to put in simple terms; it is what is meant by “the divine gift of lechery”; the art of sensing turn ons and going along with them for the partner’s response. It isn’t the same for the two sexes because male turn-ons are concrete, while many female turn-ons are situational and atmospheric. Remember too that we may simply be tired of having to deliver, in life as well as in bed, and your taking over doesn’t just offer us the ultimate compliment, it also gives us the opportunity to relax and enjoy. Sex may be about the only place in our lives where we get to be held and nurtured. Personal folklore apart, what the male turn-on equipment requires is the exact reverse of a virgin or a passively recipient instrument; not a demand situation, because that in itself can threaten a turnoff due to feelings of inadequacy, but a skill situation; I can turn you on, and turn myself on in doing so, and from that point we play it both ways and together. You can’t, of course, control your turn-ons any more than we can, but it helps if you have some male-type object reactions, like being excited by the sight of a penis, or hairy skin, or by the man stripping, or by physical kinds of play (just as it helps if we have some sense of atmosphere.) It’s the active woman who understands our reactions, plays on them, and leads them out while keeping her own who is the ideal lover. To be continued. based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam, for The New Joy of Sex.

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