Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma

About Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma

So many of us have been through life-altering things that have affected us in so many ways. Join me as we discuss what trauma is, how it impacts us, and what we can do to heal, build resiliency, and grow!! I'm Kerri Walker and I'm a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, Certified Trauma Support Specialist, writer, creator, advocate, and someone with lots and lots of lived experience with Trauma! I've been working in the field of Intimate Partner Violence for over 12 years, and for 8 of those with survivors who've experienced a Traumatic Brain Injury. Yeah, I'm a survivor of those both too! Let's do this together!!

Publisher

Kerri Walker Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach

Category

education · education

Language

en

Explicit

No

First episode

30 Jan 2023

Latest episode

10 Dec 2023

Latest episodes

47 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   10 Dec 2023

   Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma: Holiday Show Hiatus

   Hey there, It’s Kerri. I hope that you are well and doing the best you can during the holiday season. I am going to take a break for the rest of this month from the podcast. I really feel the pull of focusing as much as I can on my family this holiday season, more so this year. There has been so much going on, lots good, some things have been a bit more challenging. I’m like everyone else. I am so busy, rushing through my days in a blur, in spite of doing my best to stay present. However, my family needs as much of my attention as I can give them. My son is going through a huge transitional phase right now -very good, but very stressful. My husband is older, he’s 73 and not in the best of health right now. He’s also a quadruple heart bypass survivor, and while the surgery is not out of the ordinary, he doesn’t take the best care of himself, in spite of all of my efforts. He had the surgery about 9 years ago, so I am more keenly aware of time being precious. This has been an amazing year for so many reasons and I am so very grateful for all that I have. I am also eternally grateful for all of you! Your support has made such a huge difference in my life, and saying thank you just doesn’t seem to cover it! I am also going to take a look at the show’s content, and I have big plans for next year! I will be back with the first new show of 2024 on January 6th!  If you have any comments, suggestions, or ideas, please let me know! . You can always find me and message me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com In the meantime, you can always check out my YouTube channel for all of my past episodes and video exercises. Please also visit my website for lots of information and resources. I hope this holiday season finds you taking extra good care of yourself, and as always, we’ll talk soon!

2. 

   3 Dec 2023

   Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma: Episode 44: Grief and the Holidays!

   Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This episode 44 and I’m going to talk about why grief is so intense around the holiday season. I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together! So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional. All right let’s dive in! So grief. Grieving around the holidays can be so intense and hard. But it isn’t only missing those who are no longer with us. Grief takes so many forms, and we grieve losses of any kind. We can grieve the loss of a situation, maybe we lost a job or an opportunity we were hoping for. Perhaps we also then grieve the loss of financial stability. Maybe we are grieving the loss of a relationship, any relationship be it family, friends, coworkers, and others. We can also grieve the “idea” of relationships. If we grew up in toxic and dysfunctional families, we feel the loss of what we wanted, what “should” have been, rather than what we currently have. I know that for me, missing what I wanted, my “ideal” family, especially at the holiday season was a tough one for me to grow through. Growing up, the fantasy world in my head was a much nicer place to live than the real world. In my imagination, everyone was well, happy, together in a way they really didn’t exist in truth. Everyone got along, no fighting, no drunkenness, no illness, no frequent moves. Things were happy, stable, people were stable. As I grew older, and had my own kids, I focused on them, making the holidays wonderful and magical for them. Doing all of the things I wished my parents had done with me but didn’t. However, I hadn’t ever really dealt with my own grief and trauma, I was just trying to outrun it as fast as I could. When my mom died in 1991, many of those things I’d been trying to outrun, finally caught up with me in a BIG way. My relationship with her was so complicated, so enmeshed, I couldn’t see where I began and ended without her. With her gone, who was I really? That first holiday season brought on waves of grief, huge crashing waves that I thought would drown me. That was followed always by the constant grief of losing my little sister in December of 1977. Then piled on top of that, my dad’s hasty remarriage just a few months after my mom died and I was just completely adrift. I continued to focus on my kids during the holidays even though I was often tempted to just stop, freezing in place with my pain. Over the years, other losses piled up, lost jobs, lost homes, lost situations, and opportunities. Then my kids got older, grew up and moved on. Again I was completely lost -without them to care for on a daily basis, who was I? You sense the theme here right? Due to everything I had been through, all of the trauma, dysfunction, loss, and lack of stability, I had never had the opportunity to find out just who Kerri really was! I had no idea what I liked, didn’t like, what I liked to do, nothing. I had always identified as a caretaker, I took care of my mom, raised my little sister, cared for my husband and my kids, but never really myself. I didn’t even know how to begin. It was a very, very long process, one I still work at every day. With lots of time, lots of therapy, lots of slow steps, not always forward, I slowly began to put my own pieces together for the first time. Realizing that I, on my own, was a being worthy and deserving of just as much love, care, and attention as anyone else, was a big moment! I had worth, just being me! What a concept! Then I had to learn how to care for myself, how to nourish and develop my senses, how to be present. I had to learn how to be me in a totally new way, not through anyone else, not by how much I cared for or did for anyone else, just me. This was especially true during the holidays. I had to work through my grief, losses, and those old ideas of what I thought I was lacking. I began to think about what I did have, how many people I had that I loved and loved me. I had a lot to be grateful for and had to fight all those well-worn scarcity thoughts. Then I slowly began to piece together the parts of my childhood holiday memories that were good. How we used to gather with our family at the holidays and how good that felt. How hard my mom worked to make Christmas special and magical. Seeing the look of joy on my sister’s face as we raced to the living room knowing Santa had come. All of it. Does it still hurt at the holidays? Of course, but now I focus on the good, more so than the bad. I stay as present as I can and enjoy the moments of happiness, love, and belonging that I have created for myself and my family. We make wonderful new memories every year, and that helps tip the scales back into balance. Is it easy? No, it takes a lot of work and intention to create anything new. Pushing back against those habitual things we know so well is a process, but it can and will get better. You have to want it, then find ways in which to stitch your own heart back together one small piece at a time. Healing can be messy and painful, but it is always worth it in the end. Focusing on what we DO have, rather than what we DON’T have truly helps more than you think. If you really desire change, start there, with gratitude practice daily. You can use an app, or journal, or your computer, whatever you find is most supportive for you. But every day is the key, don’t quit. If you need ideas on things to be grateful for and why you are grateful for them (Don’t forget that part, why you are grateful and how these things make you feel is an important step) Google ideas, there are a ton out there! A simple exercise that might help you this holiday season is to write a letter to someone or something you miss. If you are missing someone this holiday, write them a letter. Even if they are gone, write out your feelings, write to them what you miss about them, or even what you don’t miss about them.  If you need to get some anger or hurt out, do it. Then when you are finished, crumple up the letter, burn it (safely) tear it up, but get rid of it. Then your feelings are out of your head and onto physical paper, then as you destroy the letter, it’s gone. If there is a situation, or opportunity you are missing, do the same thing. Write out your feelings around it, then destroy it. It can be a very freeing thing to get it out of your mind, and maybe it will take more than once, but do it, start today! Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and please also share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58,  my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!

3. 

   26 Nov 2023

   Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma: Episode 43: One Holiday Down, Now the Next One!

   Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This is episode 43  and I’m going to talk about ways that we can get through the rest of the holiday season with a little bit of our sanity intact! I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together! So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional. All right let’s dive in! In last week’s episode, we talked about creating your own personal “Holiday Rescue Plan” to set boundaries and say no to those toxic family gatherings. If you created one and put it into action, I’d love to hear about it! But what do we do if we feel there isn’t any way to say no? How do we deal with all of that toxic behavior and atmosphere in a new way, one in which we can still set boundaries and retain some of our sanity? How can we avoid the triggers that these holiday gatherings seem to always bring? Part of the problem is how “steeped” in tradition the holidays are. Even in toxic and dysfunctional families, there are rituals and things that for those of us with trauma, we can’t seem to shake. Often, no matter how hard we have tried to shake off our past, it still follows us into the holidays. It is a fact that traumatic holiday events and memories are a part of our past, and as we get closer to those holiday events, our nervous system begins to go right into panic mode! That impending sense of doom and feeling trapped is absolutely horrible.  Not feeling like we have an option sends our over stimulated nervous system into those well-worn trauma responses. Particularly when we were abused in some way by a family member, holidays may have been times that we were forced to spend time with them. Even if we spoke up about the abuse, we may have been dismissed, not believed, told to “shut up” or “be quiet” about it and just “deal” with their abuser’s presence at holiday gatherings. Other survivors describe the holidays as feeling completely alienated or disconnected from their family and culture. This is particularly true when our collective holiday culture tells us to feel “grateful” for what we have, and we don’t feel grateful for much. Then on top of that, we feel guilt and shame for how ungrateful we DO feel! We are reminded over and over again that we “should” be grateful. Holidays can also bring about a thought process (often stoked by other family members and/or friends) that it’s our fault for how unloved and lonely we feel, that if we just “loosened up” a little, and forgave the abusive or toxic behavior, maybe we would get some of that love and belonging we so desperately crave. So as trauma survivors, our well-worn Trauma Brain with all of those go to thoughts, behaviors, emotions, and reactions will unfortunately be up front and center for the holidays! It will be the loudest voice you hear. Our Trauma Brain will absolutely connect us back to all of those awful memories from our past. We get flashbacks and are triggered over and over again during the holidays. It makes it even worse when we have to go to homes we grew up in, in towns where so much of our trauma happened. As our inner critic tells us over and over that WE are at fault, we are responsible, we are the problem. Toxic family members feel that during the holidays, they absolutely have the right (and the power) to manipulate, berate, and abuse anyone and everyone present. The more people involved, the better they “like” it. They want the attention to be on them, and what better way to get it than by hurting everyone? Or by singling out those family members they feel particularly drawn to hurt? No matter how far you’ve come in your trauma recovery, being thrust back into those old toxic and dysfunctional family patterns can make anyone feel crazy! For example, when I was a kid, we didn’t really spend much time at the holidays with my dad’s parents, the Walkers. Even when we went back to Hutchinson for Christmas every year, we spent it with my Mom’s parents (which wasn’t healthy either). My Walker grandparents my dad’s parents were only a mile or 2 away, and we’d pop in for the obligatory visit, but didn’t stay long. It wasn’t my grandfather that was the problem, he was wonderful. It was my grandmother, Ruthie, that was the problem. She was the queen of passive-aggressive behavior. Or just outright cruelty. When my little sister Erin died suddenly in mid-December of 1977, needless to say, that Christmas was the most awful, horrible time. My Walker grandparents came when she died and stayed until Christmas. My grandmother actually looked at my mom and said, “You know if you hadn’t have smoked, Erin wouldn’t have died.” I mean WHO SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT to someone who has just lost a child??? That’s a pretty extreme example but I’m sure many of you listening have your own awful memories of comments or things either said or implied that you can relate to. The first big step in dealing with toxic family members during the holidays is realizing what you have control over, and what you don’t. No matter how much you wish you could change other’s behaviors, you can’t. It just isn’t possible. The only things that you have control over are what you do, say, and how you respond and react. That’s it, period. So with that first realization, you can think about other steps you can have in place to protect yourself as much as possible. Here are some ideas that could help you deal with things a little bit more easily. ·         So for example, if cocktail hour before dinner is a nightmare, don’t show up until closer to dinnertime. ·         Distraction is something new to try. Bring a game or a puzzle and suggest everyone try it. Distraction can be a great way to tone down the focus of family members a bit. ·         Don’t get caught off guard. If you know that certain family members in certain situations will behave in a specific way, be prepared for it! Say cousin Susie gets passive-aggressive in the kitchen getting ready for the meal. Leave the room when this behavior sets up, or think of something neutral to say, or ignore it all together. Remember, the more attention you give toxic family members, the more they see that they’ve upset you, the more they like it! Strategize how to give these folks the least amount of attention and energy, don’t fall into those traps! ·         Lots of self-care during the holidays is a must! Anything you can do extra to care for yourself is so important. Have a safe and trusted person that you can text and check in with during this time. Take a relaxing bath, try yoga or stretching. Any exercise is good for you. Read a great book, indulge in your favorite scents. Spend time doing what you like and want to do. Rest, rest, and more rest as well! ·         Stay away from any topics that might bring up conflict or other toxic behaviors. Avoid politics, religion, and anything else that can trigger those automatic toxic tendencies! ·         Try your best to contain your upset. This is a hard one, but the more toxic family members see how upset you are, the more they like it. It feeds into and fuels their behaviors. If you want to, you could take a notebook with you and jot down what things upset you. Then it’s on paper and not in your head. Or you could use an app in your phone to write out your feelings. ·         Change up the logistics. If staying at your parents  house is a nightmare, consider a hotel, bed and breakfast, an Airbnb, or Verbo spot. There are lots of deals around this time, and if you need an excuse, you could say you have to work some, or you have made some other plans that make staying somewhere else more practical. Also, arrange your own transportation. If your parents or family members picking you up from the airport is a horrible experience, consider renting a car or arranging some other mode of transportation for yourself. Treat yourself to an Uber or Lyft to and from if you are able to. ·         Take time out for some “mindful” moments. When things get too chaotic or overwhelming, pick a place you know you can have some space, and a bit of peace for a few minutes. Even a bathroom can offer some space in a pinch for some relief. Excuse yourself, breathe, repeat something soothing to yourself. ·         Check your perspective. Remember that if you do indeed need to be a part of any gatherings with toxic and dysfunctional family members, this is only a brief moment in time, it will pass. The more prepared you are for how you will handle and deal with things, the better. If you come away from it this holiday with a better experience from your perspective, the better you will feel afterwards! I hope these suggestions are things you found helpful and are more tools we’re adding to that mindfulness toolbox we’ve been building together. Take your toolbox with you everywhere you go, not just the holidays, and use what you’ve learned when you need it! These are skills you’ve learned, your tools to use for anything that comes up! Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and please also share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58,  my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra, EXTRA good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!

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