What is Other Peoples?

Tough questions to inspire curiosity, build courage, and help you give a sh*t about life. otherpeoples.substack.com

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This podcast is available on 4 platforms including Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more. You can also use the RSS feed directly.

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No, this podcast does not typically feature guests.

Other Peoples | Podcast Analytics & Insights

May 13, 2021

Recap 008: What's there to be afraid of?

🎧 Listen like a <a target="_blank" href="https://otherpeoples.substack.com/account/add-podcast">podcast</a>, on <a target="_blank" href="https://open.spotify.com/show/5n9OYrtiIchn7SHgE39mB0">Spotify</a>, or read the full post below. ⬇️ Many of us seem to be searching for a distraction this week. Maybe it’s Mercury or the on/off tease of spring, but paying attention to the present moment feels like the last thing anyone wants to do. Maybe we should drink more wine? Seriously! While I would never suggest you drown your sorrows in a syrupy Syrah, I do think mindful wine consumption could help you notice what’s right in front of you, especially if you’re drinking a glass of pét-nat. Pét what you say? Pét-nat is short for Pétillant-Naturel, the casual cousin of sparkling wines like Champagne. They have less fizz, more funk, and make even the most stuck in the muds sit up and say, “What’s this?” I recently opened a bottle of <a target="_blank" href="https://www.minumselections.com/archive/2020/11/23/swick-wines-2020-city-pop">Swick Wines City Pop Pét-Nat</a> at a bonfire and surprised a few friends with its crunchy bubbles and citrusy tang. The low ABV makes it perfect for celebrating the simple things in life, like making it to Thursday or being an adult. If you want help finding a bottle, text me, and I'll connect you with an Other Peoples Approved retailer near you! ( 🇺🇲 313.825.4670 or 🇨🇦 647.370.6832 ) Enough about wine; let’s get back to distractions! The last couple of weeks have reminded me how often I rely on an especially pernicious distraction - fear. Like I’ve used cigarettes or alcohol in the past, I regularly use fear to distract me from the present moment. I’ll sit frozen, dreaming up fearful scenarios of my boss criticizing my slow response to emails instead of taking action and answering the damn emails. Or sometimes I obsessively check a particular dating app for fear of missing a match instead of going outside for a run or grabbing a glass of wine like my profile suggests I do. It’s tempting to think these fear-based actions are proof of my diligent work ethic or commitment to forging a healthy relationship, but I know better. They’re just evidence that fear, like many addictive substances, is just another thing I use to avoid the oh-so-scary task of living life.Two of the recent tough questions brought to mind more examples of how fearful thinking, or a lack thereof, has impacted my life. When asked, “What's the best evening you've ever had?” I, like many of you, bristled at the idea of putting one night above all others. Ranking my evenings felt like a fool’s errand, but recalling them put a smile on my face. As I pondered my most memorable nights, I realized many lacked that otherwise common component of my life - you guessed it - fear! These were the times I threw caution to the wind and asked a stranger their name, accepted a spontaneous invitation, or danced like no one was watching; moments when I stopped worrying about what was next and enjoyed the people, sounds, and sites around me.As my fearless fever dream of memories faded, I remembered one of the other tough questions and asked myself, “What's something you regret not doing due to fear?” Errrr, I don’t like the word regret as It feels too permanent and pessimistic for my Piscean nature, but I’ll admit there are things in my life I wish I’d handled more skillfully. Unfortunately, most of these involve the people closest to me. Fear of disappointing the people we love can often lead us to say or do hurtful things. Thankfully, the heartache of the examples I’ll share has mostly given way to personal growth and improved the relationships in question.Without further explanation, here are three things I delayed doing out of fear that I wish I’d done sooner:#1 - Involving my mother in my love life.I know that sounds weird, but let me explain! Before I came out to my mom, there was often an awkward pause or quick goodbye that punctuated our conversations whenever the topic of love or relationships threatened to come up. When I finally confirmed I was gay, her heartfelt embrace was difficult to accept, given I was still hiding the fact that I had fallen in love and was soon to be engaged. She was clearly hurt as the news unraveled, likely because she’d done her best to be a loving and supportive parent. In the years that followed, I avoided talking about my relationship for fear of disappointing her yet again. The pressures of the last year pushed me to find the courage to speak about dating and relationships with my mother, and it’s been a relief! I’m not sure my love life would have turned out dramatically differently had I involved her in it sooner, but I sure am glad I’m doing it now!#2 - Telling my ex-husband I was struggling in our relationship.Blah blah blah, another story about his divorce. Maybe by the end of this tough question challenge, I’ll have released some of my insecurity surrounding the divorce. Till then, you’ll have to endure semi-regular snark about my split. I remember pacing around the apartment three or four years into my marriage, asking myself WTF I was doing with my life. The relationship patterns I had developed as a kid weren’t proving as helpful two and a half decades down the road, and cracks were starting to show. Despite describing my husband as my best friend, I didn’t share my struggles with him for fear of failing our relationship. I assumed if he knew I was having a hard time, he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. By the time I did open up, a million tiny wedges had driven us irrevocably apart. Although we did split up, my speaking up sparked a healthier form of communication that helped things end on a more amicable note. Fingers crossed, I find the courage to start my next relationship with such open communication.#3 - Developing compassion for myself.At first, I didn’t think this was important enough to include. I took that as a sign it really did belong on the list. It feels like I’m still learning what it means to be kind to myself and not criticize my every effort. Compassion seems like something to give children and puppies, not grown-ass adults like me. People praise my attention to detail and ambitious nature, but both those qualities are grounded in relentless self-recrimination and my fixation on constantly proving I’m good enough. I’ve found it easier to empathize with others in recent years and appreciate their efforts, but I’m rarely so generous with the man staring back at me in the mirror. Just last week, I caught myself saying, “That’s okay, Michael, you’re doing your best,” and almost cried. That’s how uncommon such self-acceptance is in my life! I’m still working through how to have compassion for myself without losing my edge, so you’ll have to stay tuned to see how this one plays out. It feels weird to classify any of these things as a regret, per se, but they are all personal failures I’m happy to be learning from. I share my feelings more, make fewer assumptions about what other people will think, and am a little less hard on myself, especially when the road gets bumpy. Fear will likely get the best of me at times in the future, but I’m confident the skills and courage I’ve developed in response to these struggles, alongside the sheer delight of the fearless nights I’ve experienced, will help me manage those moments better when they come. If not, at least I’ll have pét-nat to keep me company! Joking, not joking.If you have any tips on saying f-you to fear or want to try that bubbly bottle of wine I described, text me! ( 🇺🇲 313.825.4670 or 🇨🇦 647.370.6832 ) I’m off to figure out the number of carbs in one square of dark chocolate before I say screw it and eat the whole damn bar. Until we talk again, I hope you'll keep being curious enough to ask questions, find the courage to answer them, and if the stars will allow, have the audacity to give a damn about other people's answers too! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://otherpeoples.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1">otherpeoples.substack.com</a>

May 1, 2021

Recap 007: Willful disobedience.

🎧 Listen like a <a target="_blank" href="https://otherpeoples.substack.com/account/add-podcast">podcast</a>, on <a target="_blank" href="https://open.spotify.com/show/5n9OYrtiIchn7SHgE39mB0">Spotify</a>, or read the full post below. ⬇️ I’ve been trying to embrace the silence in conversations lately. Unfortunately, most people just assume my Zoom has frozen. One thing I refuse to be silent about is the bottle of salty Albariño my favorite shopkeeper gave me! Produced by <a target="_blank" href="http://www.josepastorselections.com/uploads/1/3/9/1/13912267/lagar_de_pintos_-_albari%C3%B1o_2016_tech_sheet.pdf">Lagar de Pintos</a>, a 4th generation estate in Spain run by Martha Castro, it features a windswept, coastal vibe that nearly knocked me off my feet. Its punch of peach cut by lemon peel and the aforementioned salinity had me smacking my lips between bites of a capers-laden pasta I made last weekend. Most of my recent wine consumption has been decidedly domestic, but as the world slowly opens, it seems fitting to let my inebriative influences follow. If you want to get your hands on a bottle of this Galician beauty, text me, and I'll connect you with an Other Peoples Approved retailer near you! ( 🇺🇲 313.825.4670 or 🇨🇦 647.370.6832 )While the last couple of weeks have loosened my wine rules, they seem to have tightened up my tough question game. Recent queries have inspired surprisingly succinct answers from me, given my propensity for long-winded responses. Questions like, “How good are you at taking criticism?” prompted me to say little more than, “Not great.” Usually, I’d refuse to let such short answers suffice, but in this case, they felt right. I don’t have to have a long answer for everything. Remembering this seemed to spark an explosion of other I don’t have to’s that I’ve outlined below more as a reminder for me than a directive for you. Maybe they’ll encourage you to consider what things in life you’re okay NOT doing.#1: I don’t have to obsess over things.* At work, my detail-oriented nature comes in handy. It drives me to double-check spelling, consider additional points of view, and diligently manage the scope, timeline, and deliverables of complex projects. In life and love, however, it often gets me into trouble. I find myself dissecting every word, spoken and unspoken, and getting lost in past ruminations or future worries instead of recognizing my present reality. Reminding myself I don’t have to obsess over everything, especially the text of an ex or Insta post of a crush, has helped cool my jets and connect me to the things actually in my control.#2: I don’t have to shame myself.* Part of the intention behind starting Other Peoples was to force me to answer the endless questions I ask others. As I’ve found the courage to describe who I am and what I want, I’ve been surprised by the shame that’s bubbled up around my answers. If my response to a tough question doesn’t seem to vibe with the person I think I’m supposed to be, I feel ashamed. “C’mon, Michael, you should know better!” is something I tell myself often. But I don’t have to do that! I can accept my answers instead of judging them and release the self-imposed shame that has held me back in the past.#3: I don’t have to prove I’m good enough.* Unexpectedly moving home at the beginning of the pandemic brought me face to face with a contentious part of my personality. I’ve often labeled my inclination to help others as a positive attribute. Unfortunately, my acts of service are often an attempt to make people happy because I think that’s what I have to do to show I’m good enough to be loved. Helping others isn’t inherently wrong, but the intention behind that help can be problematic. Telling myself I don’t have to prove my worth hasn’t immediately resolved my self-esteem issues or erased my co-dependent patterns. Still, it’s a meaningful step towards embodying Rupaul’s increasingly ubiquitous quote, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”What things in life could you gently remind yourself you don’t have to do? A word of warning - there are some things you don’t have to do, but really should do, like the laundry or the dishes. I may have learned that the hard way this week. Okay, I’m off to take a short walk to the fridge and pour myself another glass of that Albariño I mentioned - hit me up on the SMS if you want help finding a bottle! ( 🇺🇲 313.825.4670 or 🇨🇦 647.370.6832 ) Until we talk again, I hope you'll keep being curious enough to ask questions, find the courage to answer them, and if the CDC allows it, have the audacity to give a damn about other people's answers too! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://otherpeoples.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1">otherpeoples.substack.com</a>

April 16, 2021

Recap 006: How kind of mew.

🎧 Listen like a <a target="_blank" href="https://otherpeoples.substack.com/account/add-podcast">podcast</a>, on <a target="_blank" href="https://open.spotify.com/show/5n9OYrtiIchn7SHgE39mB0">Spotify</a>, or read the full post below. ⬇️Am I the only one that watched the movie <a target="_blank" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Half_Baked">Half Baked</a> starring Snoop Dogg and Bob Saget before ever getting high? Let’s just say I did not get it.Do you know what else I don’t get? Rosé! Why does everybody like it? It’s usually so sweet and gives me a headache, which is why I was dubious of <a target="_blank" href="https://www.sourceandsinkwine.com/about-us">Source & Sink’s</a> 2018 Rosé. Boy, was I in for a surprise! Aaron and Rande of Source & Sink have gone to great lengths to elevate this much-maligned category of wine. After sourcing 100% cabernet sauvignon grapes from a single vineyard in California, they aged them in amphora, which look like large clay pots, made from the same sun-kissed soil that supported those vines. The result is more zippy peach than sickly strawberry and as dry as the desert heat. If you think it’s not warm enough for rosé, get over yourself and grab a bottle. The only trouble is they might have sold through this vintage, but if you text me, I might just send one your way. ( 🇺🇲 313.825.4670 or 🇨🇦 647.370.6832 )I was going to apologize for not posting a recap two weeks ago and explain how shameful I felt for not meeting the expectations I had set for myself, but honestly, who cares? Let's move on and talk about the tough questions you all answered over the last two weeks. One, in particular, turned out to be a real head-scratcher! Many of you jumped in to respond when I asked what’s the kindest thing anyone’s done for you, but few of you actually answered the question! Most admitted it was hard to rate one kind act above all others, and I agree. How do you say something a friend did once is more kind than the endless number of things your family has done over the years? Will my boyfriend be mad if I say the kindness of a stranger means more than all his grand romantic gestures? Guess I’ll have to get a boyfriend and find out! While this question was tough to answer, it easily stirred up a sense of gratitude for all the nice things people have done for me. I couldn’t choose just one, so I’ve decided to share a few of the things that have proved most memorable as of late. In no particular order, here are five of the kindest things people have done for me:#1 - Let me sleep on their couch.After a year of working from picturesque rooftops in Istanbul, I got the itch to come back to the States and get my hands dirty again working with startups. Instead of doing the responsible thing and waiting for a job offer to move, I spent six months bouncing between cities, countries, and continents, cashing in airline miles, and taking interviews as they came. Friends cleared off their couch cushions and feigned surprise as I explained why I was returning from my grand European adventure after just one year.While I tried to maintain an optimistic appearance, inside, I was scared. I had upheaved my life for the third or fourth time in as many years, and the glass half full facade was starting to crack. I’m not sure how many people saw that, but no one made me feel bad when I asked for help. Considering the isolated nature of the last year, those six months seem like a dream, and I feel incredibly grateful for the friends that kindly let me sleep on their couch.#2 - Gave me a job.My current boss is also my former boss and the first person to give me a chance in the world of startups and venture capital. We met on Twitter, and I pestered him with lengthy emails until he gave me a job. I don’t think either of us knew what we were getting into, but we somehow managed to build a sense of trust that persists to this day. He’s seen me cry, heard me laugh, and wondered why I never eat lunch at work. There are few people I’d rather have in a literal or metaphorical firefight. He’s set a high bar for anyone I work with in the future to reach, and I’m thankful he gave me a job (twice)!#3 - Visited my grandma.My friend Emily and I are both only children from farm families who spent a lot of time with our grandmas growing up. It was heartbreaking to see Emily’s Grandma Rose pass away before seeing her fall in love, get married, or have her first child. My Grandma Jeannie is a pain in the ass, but I’m grateful she’s still alive and swearing. Somewhere along the way, I had the bright idea to take Emily along on a visit to her, and they became fast friends. While I lived far away and only visited a couple of times a year, Emily stopped by weekly. They would Facetime me and make the most insane Snapchat videos. I’m not sure I fully appreciate how much those visits meant to them, but they meant the world to me. #4 - Ignored me.After my divorce, I assumed the typical division of friends would happen. I wasn’t wrong. Being in San Francisco during the split, far from our mutual friends in Toronto, seemed to lessen the blow, but it was hard. When a couple of close friends visited my ex, we did a wine tasting together, which was fun if a bit odd. Before they flew home, I begged my friend Julie to meet me for coffee. I wanted to tell her how much our friendship had meant over the last ten years and let her know I would always love her even though I knew we probably wouldn’t see each other much anymore. Julie had other plans. Each time I tried to say goodbye, she found a way to deflect. I think at one point, she just said ‘no.’ She made us leave the coffee shop before I was able to break up with her or finish my espresso. We hugged just long enough to avoid bursting into tears, and I walked home in an anti-climatic stupor. A few weeks later, Julie called to catch up like normal. A few weeks after that, we talked again. We started having wine-fueled calls with her husband Mike laughing in the background. Julie refused to let me give up on our friendships because of something as stupid as a divorce. I’ll be forever grateful for her ignoring my attempts to break up with her. #5 - Adopted my cats.Some of you might judge me for this one, and that’s okay.When I decided to leave San Francisco for Europe, I didn’t know where I’d end up. I assumed I’d zig-zag between startup cities like Berlin and Paris for at least a year as I built a VC consultancy. Bringing my two cats, Cora and Leo, along for the ride didn’t seem plausible, so I tried to find a friend or family member to take them in. No one agreed. A week before my departure, I made what still feels like the hardest decision of my life and took my two precious cats to a rather chic adoption center in San Francisco. Saying goodbye for the last time, knowing they would never understand because they're cats, was excruciating. I don’t know who adopted them, but I am sure whoever fell for Cora and Leo has a big heart. They must have seen Leo’s curious nose and turned up ears. I’m sure they saw past Cora’s shyness and messy fur. They might think I’m a monster for giving up such sweet cats, and I admit I’ve often felt like I am. I couldn’t give them the stable life they deserved and am hopeful they found it with a new family. I’ll never get to tell them, but they did one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.Well, that was honestly pretty heartwarming! Text me if you have any feedback or want to grab one of the few bottles of Rosé I mentioned! I swear I won’t leave you on ‘read.’ ( 🇺🇲 313.825.4670 or 🇨🇦 647.370.6832 ) I’m off to sheepishly ask my upstairs neighbor if they really must jump rope before 8 am every morning. Until we talk again, I hope you'll keep being curious enough to ask questions, find the courage to answer them, and even if you don’t have the guts to drink Rosé out of season, have the audacity to give a sh*t about other people's answers too! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://otherpeoples.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1">otherpeoples.substack.com</a>

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Recap 008: What's there to be afraid of?

Recap 007: Willful disobedience.

Recap 006: How kind of mew.

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