Raised Signal Podcast

About Raised Signal Podcast

Wellness. Womanhood. Wholeness. melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast)

Publisher

Mel Fraz

Category

society & culture · society & culture

Language

en

Explicit

No

First episode

2 Feb 2026

Latest episode

13 May 2026

Latest episodes

15 episodes in the feed.

1. 

   13 May 2026

   Designing A Life Aligned

   Melise shares a candid reflection on her marriage to an agnostic man—despite being Muslim—and the cascade of consequences that followed. Rather than a judgment call on agnosticism, this episode explores why unaligned major life decisions create friction and pain. She digs into why she made that choice (avoidance, ego, a false belief in her own exceptionalism) and what she's learned about the power of defining what works for her and honoring those boundaries. The deeper lesson: one unaligned decision can quietly erode your internal sense of self and ripple into every area of your life. Alignment isn't about perfection—it's about clarity on who you are and the courage to choose what serves your core values, even when comfort pulls you elsewhere. Key Takeaways Unaligned decisions compound. One choice made out of fear, ego, guilt, or shame doesn't disappear—it reshapes your internal identity and makes everything harder than it has to be. Your core values are non-negotiable.When your external choices don't match your internal beliefs, you pay a price. "The program is bigger than me" applies to consequences of poor decisions, not just faith. Avoidance masquerades as love. Mel positioned herself as her husband's "teacher" when she was really the student—avoiding her own spiritual work by focusing on his lack of belief. You have agency over preferences.Control can stem from trauma, neurodivergence, or past pain. But honoring what works for you is not selfish—it's a form of self-respect that enables genuine alignment. Discomfort is information. You always know when something isn't right. The call is always there. The courage lies in choosing alignment over familiar pain or comfort. Your highest self always knows the way.Every desire, goal, yearning, and knowing has meaning. Your core will never steer you wrong—you just have to be willing to listen and act on it. Intro: The marriage story. Why it didn't work & the disclaimer about respecting all spiritual paths. 1:30 Why she married him: Ego, avoidance of her own spiritual work, positioning as teacher instead of student. 3:15 The real lesson: One unaligned decision erodes your internal identity and makes life harder. 5:00 Pattern recognition: Mel's history of choosing misalignment and the price she's paid. 6:45 Control patterns: Where they come from (abandonment, heartbreak, neurodivergence) and why honoring them matters. 8:30 The power of defining what works: Preferences aren't weakness—they're clarity. 9:45 Recent wake-up call: Chaos forced honesty. Choosing alignment in the midst of hardship. 11:15 Closer: The courage to choose what works. Your core will never steer you wrong. Did this resonate with you? Share your own alignment lessons. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

2. 

   25 Apr 2026

   Ain’t No Reward for Suffering

   Ain’t No Reward for Suffering In this episode, we’re getting honest about something many of us have been taught to normalize—suffering, especially the kind we bring on ourselves. From staying too long in relationships to overextending in the name of love, loyalty, or hope, this conversation challenges the idea that pain automatically leads to something meaningful. Because the truth? Not all suffering is noble. And self-imposed suffering definitely isn’t rewarded. This episode is a reminder that while life naturally comes with ups and downs, choosing to remain in spaces where you’re mistreated, ignored, or unappreciated is a decision—not a destiny. You have the power to choose differently. 💡 What You’ll Hear in This Episode Why self-imposed suffering is often rooted in love, fear, or habit The myth that enduring pain leads to recognition or reward How staying in unhealthy dynamics reinforces your own suffering The importance of reciprocity in relationships (romantic, platonic, and familial) Asking yourself: “If nothing changed, would I choose this again?” Why loosening your grip can be an act of self-respect Choosing dignity, joy, and peace over unnecessary pain 🔑 Key Takeaways Not all suffering has a purpose—especially the kind you choose People will often treat you based on what you allow Love should not require you to abandon yourself Reciprocity matters—it doesn’t have to be equal, but it should be fair Walking away is sometimes the most powerful, self-honoring choice Joy, peace, and fulfillment are valid choices—and real rewards ✨ Memorable Lines “Ain’t no reward for self-imposed suffering.” “No one will give you a standing ovation for what you endured.” “People will only do what you allow.” “If nothing changed, would I choose this again?” “In choosing yourself, those are the rewards.” 🎯 Reflection Questions Where in my life am I choosing to stay, even though it hurts me? Am I holding on out of love—or fear of letting go? What would choosing myself look like in this situation? Am I experiencing reciprocity, or just giving without return? 🌿 Final Thought Suffering isn’t a requirement for love, growth, or worthiness. You are allowed to choose ease. You are allowed to walk away. And you are absolutely allowed to experience joy without first enduring pain to “earn” . This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

3. 

   22 Apr 2026

   60 Second Brainwashing for Self-love & Inner Peace

   60-Second Brainwashing for Self-Love & Inner Peace In this short but powerful episode, I share a collection of gentle affirmations designed to help you reconnect with yourself, soften your inner dialogue, and cultivate real inner peace. This isn’t about fixing yourself—it’s about remembering who you are beneath the noise. These 30 mantras are simple, grounding, and meant to be used in your real life: while getting ready, during a hard moment, in your journal, or anytime you need to come back home to yourself. If this episode supported you, share it with another woman who might need a moment of peace today. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

4. 

   24 Mar 2026

   Love Actually: When everybody tells you to love yourself but nobody tells you how

   What does self-love actually look like in real life? In this episode, we explore how small, intentional decisions—like skincare routines, financial discipline, relationship boundaries, and daily habits—are powerful acts of self-love in practice. If you’ve ever struggled with the idea of “loving yourself,” this episode breaks it down into practical, relatable steps you can start applying today. Learn how to trust your intuition, make aligned decisions, and create a life that truly feels like love. Key Topics Covered: What self-love looks like in everyday life Why small habits (like skincare and nutrition) matter Setting boundaries and walking away from misaligned relationships Financial self-care and planning for your future Listening to your intuition as a guide How to ask, “Is this love?” in your decision-making process Rewiring conditioning that goes against self-love Episode Highlights: Self-care is more than aesthetics: Even something as simple as applying lotion can be an act of self-respect and long-term care. Nourishing your body matters: Choosing to eat before coffee is a small but impactful shift toward honoring your needs. Financial discipline = self-love: Paying bills on time and planning ahead protects your peace and future. Choosing yourself isn’t always easy: Walking away from love that isn’t aligned is one of the deepest forms of self-love. Intentional living: Every decision you make can either support or subtract from your well-being. Core Message: Self-love isn’t just a mindset—it’s a daily practice. It’s found in the choices you make, both big and small. By consistently asking yourself, “Is this love?”, you begin to align your life with what truly benefits and honors you. Actionable Takeaways: Start with one small act of self-love each day Pay attention to what feels right vs. what feels off Practice making decisions that benefit your future self Accept that not everyone will understand your growth Revisit your choices often—self-love requires adjustment Memorable Quote: “Every decision you make can be love in practice for you.” Call to Action: If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who’s learning to choose themselves. Don’t forget to subscribe, leave a review, and continue your journey toward living a life that feels like love. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

5. 

   7 Mar 2026

   The Self-Trust Cycle

   Episode Title: The Self-Trust Cycle: How to Rebuild Confidence in Yourself Episode SummaryIn this episode, we dive into The Self-Trust Cycle, a simple but powerful framework for rebuilding confidence in yourself and your decisions. When you consistently keep promises to yourself, your confidence grows. When you repeatedly break them, self-doubt creeps in. The good news? Self-trust isn’t something you either have or don’t have, it’s something you build through small, consistent actions. We explore how the cycle works, why so many people unintentionally break it, and how to repair it with practical, realistic steps. If you’ve ever struggled with motivation, follow-through, or believing in yourself again, this episode will give you a roadmap to start rebuilding trust from the inside out. What You’ll Learn in This Episode What the Self-Trust Cycle is and why it matters The connection between promises, actions, and confidence Why overcommitting is one of the fastest ways to damage self-trust How small daily wins rebuild confidence over time A practical way to restart the cycle if you feel stuck Key Takeaways Self-trust is built through consistent follow-through, not motivation. Keeping small promises to yourself is more powerful than setting huge goals. Every action either strengthens or weakens your belief in yourself. The fastest way to rebuild trust is to start with commitments you know you can keep. Reflection Questions What’s one promise you’ve made to yourself recently that you haven’t kept? What is one small commitment you can keep today? How would your life change if you fully trusted yourself? Action StepPick one small promise you can keep today—something simple and achievable. Keep it. Then repeat tomorrow. Self-trust grows through proof, not intention. Share This EpisodeIf this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend or someone who’s working on rebuilding confidence and consistency in their life. Subscribe & ReviewEnjoying the podcast? Follow the show and leave a review—it helps more people discover these conversations and start building stronger habits and self-trust. Connect With Us Follow the podcast for future episodes on growth, mindset, and personal development This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

6. 

   4 Mar 2026

   Intimate Letters

   Podcast Title: The Forgiveness I Couldn’t Seem to Give… Myself In this powerful episode, we dive deep into self-forgiveness, self-sabotage, and the journey to self-trust. If you’ve ever accepted less than you deserved, settled for emotional crumbs, or negotiated against yourself before life even had the chance to respond — this conversation is for you. We explore how low self-worth shapes our relationships, standards, and life outcomes and why familiar pain can feel safer than unfamiliar happiness. From toxic relationship patterns to over-giving and fear of rejection, this episode unpacks the hidden reasons we keep choosing what keeps us small. You’ll also learn the transformative framework called the Self-Trust Cycle, a step-by-step path from self-sabotage to self-worth: Recognize unhealthy patterns Tell the truth about the fear underneath Practice radical self-forgiveness Rewire your self-perception Raise your internal standards Stop negotiating against yourself Take ownership of your healing Act from expansion, not fear This episode is about becoming responsible for your healing, choosing yourself daily, and building a life that reflects the love you embody. If you're ready to break cycles, build confidence, attract healthier relationships, and finally believe you deserve more — press play. Because the moment you stop waiting to be chosen…is the moment you start choosing yourself. ✨ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

7. 

   1 Mar 2026

   How to get to your YES!

   How often do we tell ourselves no before life ever has the chance to respond? In this episode, I explore what it means to stop negotiating against yourself and start honoring your desires without fear, overthinking, or self-rejection. A reflection on self-trust, courage, and learning to ask for the life you truly want. Your yes begins the moment you stop abandoning yourself. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

8. 

   25 Feb 2026

   Don’t Negotiate Against Yourself

   You know how you don’t think something is possible for you and you talk yourself out of it before you even begin, before you even ask, before you even go? Yeah, well that’s negotiating against yourself. So many times we let self doubt and fear dictate our movements in life. I think we often times forget that the people that we are asking things of are just people just like us. And if you don’t ask, how will you know? If you don’t try how will you ever experience? There are people in the world who want to give in every way that there is to give. But if your hand is closed, how will you get fed? I have a twin sister and we are a lot alike, but we’re also different in some ways. One of the ways in which we’re different is that she is fearless; always has been. She never had a cringe factor. She would always ask questions that I was too afraid to ask, she would always ask for things and try things that I was too afraid to do. As a kid, I always felt protective over her because I didn’t want anyone to hurt her feelings if she asked something that others may not have thought were worthy questions. She always wanted to do something or try something that I thought was silly. But only because I was just afraid of what others would think. I never wanted anyone to hurt her feelings so growing up, she was always the one who was fearless in her pursuit. I was always more reserved and quiet and was just afraid. Everything seemed cringe to me. I didn’t have a word for it then but that’s the word I would use, cringe. Which is really just EGO. It took me a long time to realize that I was giving myself more credit than I deserved. People don’t really care, and not many of them even pay that close attention to you to even give you a second thought. My sister had the cheat code for being successful in life very early. Which is evident now with her beautiful, wonderful illustrious career as a celebrity hairstylist who has traveled to 20 different countries and raised a beautiful, magnificent son. And also shes just experienced some things that I have not experienced simply because I was scared. It’s funny how you can be raised in the same household and have two different experiences. So we got the phrase. “Don’t negotiate against yourself. Let someone else tell you NO!” from my mother. That was her motto. My sister took that saying and ran with it. Me on the other hand; I stayed reserved and just afraid to go after things that I really wanted just out of fear of failure or rejection. Thanks for reading Raised Signal! If my writing has helped you feel free to share it. So now we’re here and I’m in a place of asking. I explore new things. I introduce myself to new people. I start conversations with strangers. I inquire about things that I’m interested in and places that I wanna go and things that I wanna see. I am in a stage of finally going after the life that I desire. It’s funny because my life for the last couple years have been marred with new places, new things, new surroundings. And if you looked at my life before 2022, you may think that I was going after all I desired when really I was just operating within my comfort zone and the life that I had up until that point was based on what I thought was possible. Now I’m living in a space where I desire what may seem impossible, but I know for sure to my core that everything is a possibility. It’s possible because I believe it is. And now I’m ASKING for it all! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

9. 

   18 Feb 2026

   “HOW TO” Burn Out

   Podcast Show Notes (SEO-Friendly): Are endless “how to” guides leaving you overwhelmed and stuck in place? In this episode, we flip the script on burnout caused by overconsumption of advice and self-help content. Instead of chasing another step-by-step formula, discover why taking action, embracing curiosity, and trusting your intuition are the real keys to growth and fulfillment. Through personal storytelling and mindset shifts, this episode explores how discipline, confidence, and self-trust are built through doing—not just learning. If you’ve ever felt stuck, unmotivated, or unsure of your next move, this conversation will inspire you to stop overthinking and start living boldly at any age or stage of life. Keywords: burnout recovery, overcoming fear, personal growth, self-trust, discipline and motivation, mindset shift, confidence building, taking action, life purpose, self-development podcast This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

10. 

    14 Feb 2026

    Marriage Is Not My Magnum Opus

    I know, I know: my idea of marriage will be problematic for people who are pro-marriage and also problematic for people who are against “traditional marriage.” But marriage for me is neither superfluous nor a necessity. As a Black American Muslim Woman, marriage has always been THEE focus. As a 9 yr old girl I can remember the conversations around marriage being a necessity to being a “good Muslim Woman.” That was the foundation upon which I built my expectation of what an intimate partnership should be. This expectation would actually ruin my idea of falling in love and marriage as the reality never measured up to the fantasy. See the fantasy was that I would meet a nice Muslim boy and get married by 19 or so and we would embark on our adult journey together and live happily ever after. Well that dream never materialized as you will have read in my past essays, I’ve had several boyfriends and been married twice. My delusion around men and earning coupled with the Islamic expectation of men being the providers of women made it nearly impossible for me to think of love when choosing a partner. I always chose money over love and that’s where I fucked up! This lead me on a years’ long journey of relationships with high earners and low emotional quotients. Relationships are a mirror though right, so my emotional IQ was pretty low too. Until I realized that money never equals love and coins never equate to care, I went for the money guy over the guy who I actually liked. Sure men will spend money if they have it. That just what men with money do but can they REALLY love? Could I really love? And why was I depending on my partnerships to do the providing that I could clearly do for myself? Well there’s more explanations to that in my past essays too but for now we’ll say that years of therapy and inner work have helped me to reconcile and rectify some of that thinking. After being married and having kids, I realized that getting lost in the duties of being a wife and mother can steal your identity outside of those titles. It took me being out of that marriage to even see that. Like, where did I go? Who had I become? The fearless, ambitious woman I once was was now wrapped up in motherhood and nothing else. I even started a business centered around motherhood but there was so much more to me than that. It would take 7 years to return to myself in a way that was familiar. I know you’re supposed to change in that season but I had become unrecognizable to myself. So what did that mean? That meant I had some work to do. Once I started exploring what and who I wanted to be, the work to return to myself began. I began praying more, reading again, doing yoga and exercising consistently and then dating people I was actually interested in. I did a lot of journaling and crying and singing and dancing alone in my living room and gardening and solo dates. All of these things in concert with one another went into me returning to myself. I learned to center myself. This opened the door to the possibilities of me fully living a life that felt like what I envisioned for myself. It was starting to feel like MY life again. I remember after my separation from my kids’ dad, my therapist told me I had situational depression. That was an aha moment for me. If I had situational depression then I could certainly have situational joy! I knew that if I could foster an environment that felt good to me then my joy could have somewhere to exist and grow. A small cozy home with old wooden floors that were warmed by the sun coming through my windows in the morning, the conscious parenting of my children which included homeschool, the dating and travel on my kid free weekends, solo museum and dinner dates, living Islam through a loving lense in my home and with my children…all these things were a result of me returning to myself. When I was ready I got married again. This time I was clearer about my desires and my needs as well. This time I was able to set expectations that had more to do with the overall feeling of my life as opposed to the logistics only; where would we live, what would our budget be, what type of cars would we drive. Those things are important but more important was how we flowed, how we existed together, how our families blended, how we loved. I knew that the work I had put into myself would reflect in my partner. I knew better so I could choose better. Now that doesn’t mean that perfection in my life ensued but what it does mean is that through my own internal work I’ve learned to cultivate a life that feels the way I want it to feel. So marriage isn’t the whole thing for me. It’s one of the byproducts of all the things I’ve worked on internally. All my decisions are the result of the evolution of ME…I’m my MAGNUM OPUS. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

11. 

    11 Feb 2026

    FRIENDIVORCE

    It was 2 years ago, almost to the day that would be the last time I’d see her; my friend. I didn’t know yet but our last conversation would be the turning point in our friendship. I looked at her as one of my life partners. Someone who I shared so many interests with, our kids were the same ages, our lives were similar in so many ways. She was my type of witty; one of the cleverest women I know. We shared similar tastes in food, music and art. Our friendship just flowed. It was easily one of the most natural friendships I’ve had. And this is coming from someone who has a twin sister. An already built in best friend who no one on earth can top. But this friendship was special. She was/is special and still our similarities were not enough to bring us back after a betrayal. No need to go into details about what happened. Just know that you can not expect a you in others. One of the things I’m STILL working on. People will do things you would never do to them and you can choose to forgive and move along or you can decide to part ways. It had been some time between our last very heated conversation and my attempt to reconcile; 2 months’ time. Was that too long to come back and say out loud “I forgive you. Let’s talk about it?” Apparently so. It had been two months since we saw each other and by then her mind was made. In her words, we had grown apart and she was just not interested in being friends with me any longer. As heartbroken as I was I acquiesced. There was no need in beating a dead horse by begging someone to be my friend. I never thought I’d experience rejection like that from a “sister” but there I was in the middle of the street, tears streaming down my face with my phone in my hand stunned by the conversation we had just had. Although I’d always felt like I was the giver in our friendship I chalked it up to me being the older of us. I definitely treated her like I treat my biological younger sister…with great care and concern. So there I was, heartbroken, perplexed by her decision. There was no happy ending here. A lesson though, when people show you who they are believe them. Of course there had been things that happened in the past that I excused simply because I felt there was no harm intended but when I finally had the chance to think back, inconsideration and dismissiveness were a cornerstone of how I was treated. Shame on me for not bringing it up, shame on me for excusing poor treatment. At the end of the day I couldn’t expect to be treated differently than anyone else. It was only a matter of time before I’d receive the same treatment as others. So again I say… “When someone shows you who they are, believe them” One of the things I know for sure was that I am a good friend. It’s taken me years to learn how to be a good friend. Years to practice being reliable and unselfish in my friendships. Years to practice non-judgement, acceptance and tolerance of my friends. Cause I’m naturally easily agitated and resolute in my beliefs, I’ve really had to work on those things. Not being flaky has taken work. Things like keeping my fried dates, being on time, holding myself accountable in disagreements. More on having integrity in next week’s substack, “The Process of Becoming Sturdy,” but I digress. I have WORKED on being a great friend. I’ve parted ways with lovers and have even been through divorce but nothing prepared me for the loss and heartbreak of loosing a friend. It’s like a death but worse, especially with social media being so prevalent. You get a front row seat to the life that you’re no longer a part of. Even if you unfollow the friend they may still come across your timeline because other people you know post them. There’s FOMO when you no longer get invited to events, or they’re the person you would call if a certain thing happened. Loosing a friend just sucks. But I learned a valuable lesson in that you never beg someone to be a part of your story. If someone decides and they have the right to decide, not to be your friend, let them. It’s not up to you to overplay your part. They know your value and they chose. The softie in me had to learn to leave people where they are. I wish them well and keep it pushing. People choose for all different kinds of reasons but that’s not my issue to bear. As long as I know I’ve been good to someone I don’t have any regrets. Thanks for reading Raised Signal! This post is public so feel free to share it. Sometimes heartbreak is just that…heartbreak; and the only thing you can do is sit with the feelings and move through them. If you’ve done all you can do then you’ve done enough and if it isn’t enough then it is what it is. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

12. 

    6 Feb 2026

    Who Gon’ Be The Women

    In this episode, I examine the rise of perpetual girlhood and how our obsession with youth, desirability, and constant “inner-child healing” has blurred the line between girls and women. As a woman and mother, I reflect on aging, emotional maturity, and the loss of rites of passage that once marked our transition into womanhood. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

13. 

    6 Feb 2026

    They Say Pressure Makes Diamonds

    This episode is a love letter to the messy middle of healing—I’m sharing my truth: from a rough childhood, reckless teenage years, and an addiction to begging for love in relationships, to finally understanding what it really means to let go instead of being dragged.Healing isn’t cute. It isn’t clean. And it definitely isn’t linear. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

14. 

    6 Feb 2026

    What I Thought I Wanted

    This is the result of the work that comes from learning to trust yourself. I go into how I came to understand WHY I chose the partnerships I chose and how I worked through childhood trauma to begin my journey of self sufficiency. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

15. 

    2 Feb 2026

    The Glamorous Life

    Anyone who knows me will tell you that I don’t smoke or drink. Like…nothing. Not even hooka. Never have. In fact hooka bars remind me of a crack house. I know that will ruffle some feathers but I’m an 80’s baby and I’ve seen too much ok? But the crack era is where it began for me. Growing up in West Baltimore in the 80’s & 90’s was exactly as you’d imagine it…like the Wire. Of course there was tons of goodness and I was a recipient of some of that goodness but the harsh realities of the “this is your brain on drugs” era shaped my outlook on life and also what I would fight to get up off me for the majority of my adulthood. I can remember like it was yesterday walking to the corner store to get penny candy…yes candy used to actually be a penny and passing by a corner full of boys and young men selling drugs. I can also remember seeing all the neighborhood superstars riding up Park Heights from Druid Hill Park on a Sunday afternoon in their fancy cars, music blasting and fly girls being passenger princesses just along for the ride. By the time I got to middle school my male classmates wore coogi sweaters, starter jackets and timbs with thick herringbone chains, thigh pads made of wads of cash and pulling up to the school in whips even people’s daddies couldn’t afford. Those were the boys I was surrounded by. Those were the ONLY types of boys I thought existed. In my high school years my first boyfriend was too old for me and had money to blow. There was no way I was paying attention to any of the boys I went to school with when my boyfriend at the time was taking me on $5000 to $10,000 shopping sprees in New York City. Mind you I was only 16. So when they say Auntie, you don’t know ball…I say WHO?! That would set the stage for my delusion when it came to money, earning, love and REALITY. THAT is where my addiction began. It never occurred to me that there were young black men who DID NOT sell drugs. Every boy or young man I knew was associated with the streets in some way. It wasn’t until my freshman year at Morgan State that I learned that there were actually young men who had never been in the streets. When I say mind blown…MIND BLOWN! That was the first time that I had been in close proximity to a different type of young man. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that there were young women who’s parents actually bought them fancy things or paid for their cars or even their parents were the ones who gave them a weekly allowance. I had only known my boyfriend to do that. My mother worked hard but she wasn’t giving me all the extras, ya know. By the time that relationship ended my sophomore year I was already hooked on the street life. I wouldn’t dare think of dating someone who couldn’t continue to keep up with the fancy lifestyle I had began to live. The clothes, the brand new 99’ white Lexus GS my next boyfriend bought me was no match for a regular guy. Not to mention there were no “regular” guys that were even interested in me. Or maybe I just didn’t pay them any mind. My world was made up of fast money, fancy things, dangerous surroundings and a skewed idea of real love. Love was transactional for me. As a love interest, if you couldn’t provide what I wanted then you were of no use to me. It never occurred to me that I should be contributing more to a relationship than just the vibes. And there were plenty of vibes. I spent most of my 20’s being artsy and free. You know…street dude loves an artsy girl (ghetto with a runway quality). Living in this city or that city trying to find my way. It’s by God’s grace that I didn’t end up in much more dangerous situations. I lived in LA for some time…sooo not my vibe. Everything seemed superficial. The irony right? Then I moved to Atlanta during the height of the Jeezy the Snowman era. When I say a time was had! Babyyyy, the funds and fun were endless. I would travel from east to west coast and a few tropical destinations in between thinking that this was how life would always be. That’s the thing about growing older, you realize that things change. Mainly, my appetite for connection. The realization that money can’t buy love slowly crept in and by the time I was 25 I was love starved, disillusioned and yearning for something real. The money though; how would I ever ween myself off of the high of counting cash, buying bags, copping whips and doing a bunch of super fun s**t without a care in the world? How would I loose my desire for the BOSS. You know him; the quiet one in the cut who didn’t say much but ran everything? How would I develop who I was outside of being a fly girl? How would I live a regular life after all I knew was money, money, money? Everyone talks about drug addiction from the users’ POV or even the drug dealers’ POV but what about the women addicted to the life? The women who are recipients of the financial windfall that the streets create? The women who get addicted to never asking questions and never knowing the full story? Or even the women who get addicted to the bad boy persona of their partners and never desiring the good guy? What about the women whose self worth becomes contingent upon all the things they acquire or who their dude is and not ever contingent upon who they really are? It took me years to settle into a regular life; fighting my desire to just go get me somebody with some money. Then I wouldn’t have to do the work associated with my own self development. I wouldn’t have to reframe how I thought about myself. Cause low self-esteem will have you accepting all kinds of unfavorable treatment from people. I wouldn’t have to raise my own moral compass. Cause how you do one thing is how you do everything and if being a recipient of ill gotten means was any marker of immorality, well I hit it right on the spot. I wouldn’t have to be real with myself about what I was capable of producing on my own. Cause making your own money and making a lot of it requires planning, commitment and execution. (Sidebar: That’s one of the reasons why entrepreneurship has been so good for me. It has been an extreme exercise in self reliance, humility, consistency and persistence.) Not to mention putting into practice BEing interesting and loving who I am for myself first but also having something to give that isn’t based on superficial things. Reality is, everyone needs something from you but that THING being only surface level cheapens the exchange. I had to learn to like for the sake of liking, love for the sake of loving. I had to learn to show up fully, honestly, flaws and all before I could ask that of anyone else. Being interesting attracted interesting people. Being kind attracted kindness. Being LOVE attracted real love. In fact foregoing superficial connections opened the floodgates to real connection. Now that the money was no longer the motive I could LOVE. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com (https://melfraz.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1)

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