This is a voice message I left for my uncle who at one point was suicidally depressed and working as a police officer.
It's taking him about 50 years to figure out that his own mind is the source of his suffering, and yet not the only source.
Culturally, we tend to believe that strength and Independence are synonymous. our research however, is beginning to show clearly that strength is in numbers and interdependence is what brings longevity and happiness.
5 Aug 2025
I Had a Panic Attack
I had a panic attack yesterday, and wanted to hide from my life but couldn't. I still had to participate. I thought it was going to be excruciating to be around people, because I didn't have the energy to be myself. But I may have stumbled across an insight, where if I don't have to be myself then there's a pain in being around people. If there's no attachment to being perceived a certain way, then I can be around people and feel totally free no matter how they perceive me. Prior to this, I've had a lot of fear of being around people when I'm feeling depressed, anxious, and bottomed out energy-wise. Now I'm starting to see that my fear is founded on my own need to be seen a certain way. To the extent that I create a picture I want people to see of me, that's how much pain I'm teeing myself up for when I can't maintain the picture. Tonight, there was no picture because I didn't have the energy to create it. Strangely, I still found myself joking around and even having fun, but it was spontaneous. At other times I felt scared and vulnerable. Exposed. Experience just flowed from one condition to another, and I watched this happen. But where was I? I could see my body and the world as always, but I couldn't find a sense of self. My internal landscape was completely unfamiliar, despite the outside world looking exactly as it would. This has happened before and I've felt distress at not feeling like my usual self. I felt disoriented, and a strong resistance to what was happening as far as my thoughts and emotions were going. But now I think I'm starting to get a little bit of a hint of what might be freeing about not having to adhere to a particular set of thoughts and feelings, or to have to project any specific persona in social situations.
26 Jul 2025
I Want to Hide When I Feel Sad
I've been experiencing a terrifying and familiar blanket of misery for the past week or so, and struggling like hell to try to get out of it, to try to get back to how I was before — which was energetic, optimistic, positive, powerful. Just, in short, feeling good. And I've been feeling bad.
In the middle of a long drive, some insights have come up to reveal why I've been feeling the way I have and what I can do to return to a more authentic way of being in my life.
Perhaps depression is a strong signal that something is out of alignment. Maybe I'm somehow being untruthful in the world, or with myself, and I might not even know it... but for the lack of energy, the listlessness, the fear.
It might be that the way out of my own personal hell, is to let my own personal hell just be the way it is, and to let people in on that.
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