Where can I listen to this podcast?

This podcast is available on 4 platforms including Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more. You can also use the RSS feed directly.

Does this podcast accept guests?

No, this podcast does not typically feature guests.

Sanctuary for the Misfits of God Podcast

Claim This Podcast

by Saisha Ma

15 episodes

Updated Daily

Accepts GuestsHas Sponsors

Podcast Overview

For the wild hearts & holy misfits. I teach heart-based communication, self-love alchemy & embodied devotion. <a href="https://sanctuaryforthemisfitsofgod.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">sanctuaryforthemisfitsofgod.substack.com</a>

Language

🇺🇲

Publishing Since

11/10/2025

View on Apple Podcasts RSS Feed

1 verified contact email on file for Sanctuary for the Misfits of God Podcast

Pitch yourself as a guest, propose sponsorships, or reach out directly to the host.

See contact details

Recent Episodes

June 8, 2026

Becoming Home: What Happens When Life Takes Away Every Place You Hide

Turns Out I’m a Renunciate AfterallThe themes of this essay were rooted in such intense emotional breaking open, so it’s odd to be sitting here threading it together from a place of ease and peace. The intense emotional openings are the quilt pieces of a blanket and the peace is the thread integrating it all. The calm after the storm.My last Sanctuary writings were over a month ago. During that time I was dealing with some demons like addiction. Much has shifted since then. Paid members have been receiving their Living Rhythm Lanterns so they know a bit more of what’s going on.Over a month ago I returned home to NM for what was supposed to be a few days. I was coming to support as my dad entered into Hospice care. I had no idea what I was actually stepping into. We found out my dad would require 24/7 care and a home was not an option.Long story short, I found myself opting into something I never thought I’d say yes to. Full-time caretaking. This was my core fear. To be limited and chained down by someone else’s needs. Especially someone that I had judged for a lifetime around how they chose to not take care of themselves nor “live” life the way I thought a life should be lived.My greatest fears were knocking on my door and it was time to answer the call.The past six weeks have been humbling. I’ve had to face my ego, my self-righteousness, my anger, my resentment, and my deepest wounding head on. It’s mirrored to me every day.Everytime I try to hold a “boundary” I feel like life chuckles and breaks me open again.Like my father refusing to accept his fate of dying, I was refusing to face my fate of caretaking. And I was broken… open… wide. Caretaking my father has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it’s been the most beautiful gift I never would have asked for.Relationship dynamics in my family are complicated to say the least and I’m having to face every single wound I have. I’m having to be humbled. I’m having to forgive and let go.I’m having to face the absolutely imperfection of everyone and everything… making it all feel almost… perfect.Every time I want to judge or hold resentment, I’m immediately mirrored where I’m doing the exact same thing.I feel like Ma is pulling the strings and I’m the puppet and she’s telling me… let it all go… surrender… break open wide to life… dare to love everything and everyone. Dare to have your heart shattered and shredded so I can enter it. So I can become it.The path is grueling. Not because it requires walls and fighting and weapons. It’s grueling because it requires me to continuously challenge my walls and my weapons. What is it I think I’m fighting? Who is it I think is the enemy?I’m starting to see how loving boldly, forgiving constantly, and opening endlessly is the most courageous path someone could walk.I feel like I’m constantly handing my heart over and saying… “here, break it open, hurt it, make it bleed… so I can learn to love even deeper, even freer, even more unconditionally.”My whole life I’ve been trying to understand who I am in this world and what is my path. Am I running away from the world to sit in a cave and just be with God, or am I diving into life and serving God in that way? Back and forth I’ve gone, over and over again.But now I think I’m starting to see that I will never live in one world or the other. I’m a renunciate in the world. I never understood this calling to renunciation until I was reading the book, The Wisdom of No Escape, by Pema Chodron. She quotes:“Renunciation is seeing clearly how we hold back, how we pull away, how we shut down, how we close off, and then learning how to open.” – Pema ChodronMy mind was blown.I am a renunciate because I am on the path to renunciating a closed heart, walled off emotions, shutting down, refusing community and connection.I’m a renunciate because I’m devoted to a life of a broken open heart. My work is to deny the closure. The shutting down. The holding back. It’s the hardest work I ever could have signed up for.The Stories We Use to EscapeSo as I do this work of renunciation, I’m having to see all the ways I pull away.In Lantern 8 of the Living Rhythm I wrote about the suffering of the mind. How suffering truly is the way to freedom and our mind is the key to it all. For me suffering has often been linked to freedom.Or I should say, it has been linked to what I was perceiving as freedom. More on this later…Being back in NM, living back at my childhood home, and doing full-time caretaking is like my own personal hell.It is probably what I would have designed if someone asked me to design hell for myself. I know that sounds dramatic… hello, do you know me?... but it’s true. Maybe for some people hell is fire and demons and whips and I don’t know what else. But for me, hell is facing everything I spent a lifetime running from.I spent a huge part of these six weeks suffering in my wounds, my victim, and my resistance to what life was wanting to break open in me. I told myself I was here out of integrity, not love. I was just doing what was right. While that was true… there was something much bigger brewing underneath.The truth I didn’t want to face in this decision to come home was daring to open my heart to my family again. To do the work required to feel empathy for a tribe that I often felt like an alien to. To forgive a mother who loved me deeply and selfishly. To love a father who was always there and yet always emotionally absent.I didn’t want to come here because I didn’t want to fall in love again. With my family, with this desert I call home, and with this little girl who long ago swore she’d never feel the depths of pain she felt the day the world stopped making sense.My entire life I’d been told how grateful I should be that I was adopted.While I understand where this thinking comes from, and while I can agree with the basic truth behind it, there was always something no one ever wanted to allow…The truth is that I was still a newborn soul wanting its mother to choose her and no matter how good my life turned out, I probably still would have chosen her…. HER.. Her.So I came home to face the true wound… the mother wound. The reality that I have been trying to fill the hole of a heart that was pouring blood from the moment it was born.The tears I’ve cried have always originated from a baby who was reaching out for its mother.The nervous system it spent nine months getting to know.The womb I first learned was safety… regardless of how others judged it from the outside.I wanted Her. I’ve always been seeking Her. I loved Her.Even typing this now, I can feel the knot in my stomach and the clench of a little girl who’s afraid to cause pain. To hurt my family who raised me. To hurt the mother that one day might read this. To dare to imply that I’m not grateful for the life I was given. I am.I am all of it. I wouldn’t be who I am today without my family. I wouldn’t be who I am without being given up.It’s the grand parody of life. My deepest pain is bringing me home to the deepest love of my life… my real home… ME.The Cost of Staying“A Person who does not acquit himself with a cheerful heart of whatever responsibility that may fall to his lot at any time, for the love of God will find life excessively burdened and will never be able to accomplish anything. Man’s duty - more especially for those who have made the Supreme Quest there one and only aim - is to work joyfully for the upliftment of the world, with the conviction that all service is His service. Work done in such a spirit helps to purify both mind and heart.” – Anandamayi MaIn Lantern 9 I wrote about the cost of staying in situations, places, and circumstances that are out of alignment. I had intended to expand upon that now. To talk about the many times I found myself taking huge leaps and then collapsing into fear and comfort. Time and time again, this was what I’d do.I was going to write more about how I could see my inability to withstand the level of discipline and mastery my life was asking of me. Which is true. I am seeing a need for refinement. How choosing the hard today will save so much hard tomorrow and the next day.But I’ve also softened a bit. My heart has once again been broken open.So I’m sitting here wondering what the integrated message is. Because I’ve lived these moments where I was either staying to hide or I was running from the stay. So which way is “right?”When I say I would stay to hide, there are many times in my life where I would take a huge leap to go after this bigger self, and then about a few weeks in, the reality of what this vision requires would land, and I would often find a way to collapse (hello alcohol), or hide (hello relationship).I would get myself completely entangled in these circumstances that were accepted by society, but so opposing to what I truly wanted. I’d often find myself in a relationship, maybe buying a house, maybe getting married, and typically working in a passionless job.I would hide.Then eventually my soul would get restless, start longing for the deeper vision again and poof, I’d run as fast as I could. I’d run to a new state, a new country, a new job, or a new partner. Sometimes, I’d run to all of them at once.I’d take the big leap, find myself in a relationship hiding again, miserable again, compromising again, finding excuses again. Then I’d blow it all up.Cycle after cycle.Medicine changed that… somewhat.So now I’m here realizing the cycle, knowing I must choose differently. But what does different mean?What does an integrated path of leaping look like with love, discipline, and self-mastery fueling it? Two weeks ago I was ready to blow it all up again. I had already started.I was ready to move west, leave CO, cut ties, start afresh. But a bigger me has already begun to birth. So I had to stop and ask myself…What am I running from?What am I afraid of?What am I trying to hide from?Just like coming home to my family, the answer was the same… love.It requires so much work.So much vulnerability. So much showing up, forgiving, and letting people love me. So much learning how to love them… crazy, wild, human, and messy them. I was trying to run from the action of loving. Repairing, showing up, returning, and letting them get to know the me that would be coming home.The Cost of WildnessIn Lantern 10 I talked about wildness and the cost it comes with. How I started to realize that I desired a feral life that was hard to put into words. I say feral because when I feel into it, that’s what it feels like. You can’t pin it down, you can’t capture it, and you can’t cage it.I talked about the recognition of choosing cages to keep me one step away from the wild life I desired. How I would purposely get myself caged into relationships (all types) and then be resentful for not feeling “free” within them. But this was the game. The cage kept me distracted and able to avoid the reality beneath it.I was terrified to live the life that was calling me and I didn’t trust I could survive it.I was seeking shelter, food, love, comfort, and warmth everywhere outside myself because I didn’t trust myself to provide it. And I gave myself plenty of proof to not trust.But here we are again, a softer perspective, a more integrated view. I’m sitting here now wondering…What does a feral life look like when it’s infused with love, community, responsibility, and self-mastery?What does a future vision embody when it’s no longer anchored in being alone? The lone wolf. The abandoned one. The outsider.I want to bring the wild into this world. I want to be feral living amongst the domesticated. I want to find a home where there is always a window left open because everyone knows a bird must fly freely.Becoming HomeThat leads to one place and one place only. I must become… I am becoming… the home I was seeking all along.People often ask me what my name means. What’s funny is I didn’t choose it and I certainly didn’t know what it meant when I was initiated into it.Saisha means the Ruler of the Inner Goddess. Ma is my commitment to Anandamayi Ma and being her disciple for eternity.But in a new translation that feels more accurate to me…I am the mother forever guiding the Ruling of the Inner Goddess. The child who was always reaching for its mother…is becoming Her…HER…MA.Walking the Sacred Edge,Saisha MaThe Living Rhythm SubscriptionIf you’ve found yourself in these words, much of what I’ve been writing about lately has been unfolding inside the Living Rhythm.The Lanterns are not really teachings. They’re companions for the dark nights, the thresholds, the breaking apart, and the remembering. They’re the conversations I wish someone had with me when life felt impossible.Paid members have access to the full Living Rhythm journey, the Lantern recordings, reflections, and the deeper circles of the Sanctuary.Wherever you find yourself, I’m grateful you’re here. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://sanctuaryforthemisfitsofgod.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2">sanctuaryforthemisfitsofgod.substack.com/subscribe</a>

April 11, 2026

Honest Thoughts from Within The Cravings of Addiction

Welcome back to the Sanctuary for the Misfits of God with Saisha Ma.Today, I am recording this in a place that I have never really been willing to record from. The sacred edge of choice… of addiction. That point where my skin is crawling and everything inside me wants to disappear into a bottle.Everything inside me wants relief. Everything inside me wants to just make that choice one more time. Just one more moment of relief. When life just kind of feels too... feely.Too real, maybe, too impossible.The day actually started out really strong. I didn’t wake up early, but I did immediately kind of move into some sacred practices, and connection by way of showing up for someone else, and going out into nature.It was a beautiful sunny day in the beginning, and just as the weather shifted into more cloudy and stormy weather, so did my internal climate. Then an old visitor came to visit, and it’s one that I say I’m done with, and yet still kind of like when this one comes knocking at my door.This little dance I do with alcohol. Throughout my life, I’ve loved it, and hated it, and quit many times. And when I say quit, I mean I’ve quit for a number of years at a time. Every time I think I’m really done with it, it tends to just kind of come back and prove me wrong.This is probably the most awareness I’ve ever had in this dance for sure, but it doesn’t feel any less overpowering. It doesn’t feel any less medicating.It is amazing to me that I could do the amount of psychedelic medicine that I’ve done for the extensive period of time that I’ve done it and still do this dance.The amount of self-development work that I’ve done, the amount of courses and workshops. Trying to step into this, I don’t know, better person, better version, higher vision, whatever it is. Yet to still be sitting with the same longings, the same desires, the same hungers that have been present in my life for as long as I can remember.I was just curious what would happen if I actually recorded from the inside of one of those deep desires. From a point where I actually don’t know what I’m going to choose.At the end of all of this, I don’t know if I’m going to be able or even want to say…no morenot todaynot one last timeBecause I think that’s the ever lurking promise, right, of these cravings, of these addictions. They say just one more time. Just that one last dance together.That one last numbing,That one last moment of relief,That promise of, “we’ll just have one more good night together.”And it’s funny, because as I say this, I think of all the moments that we encounter this. It’s not even just with “bad things”, right? I do this dance with psychedelic medicine, you know? I still have that urge for that one last experience. That one last touching of the gods.It’s so sweet, and... one last time with a partner that you know is wrong for you.I’ve done that plenty in relationships where it’s just kind of like, let me just try this one last time. Really, like, squeeze that one last juice out of what’s here, which is already a dead situation.When I look back on those moments, you know, something’s already decaying and we’re trying to have one last moment with it.And I know all the right things to do.You know, I intentionally forced myself to watch a video that wasn’t very resonant, but it was all about the damage of alcohol, why we shouldn’t drink it. And for some reason, for me, when I listen to these things sometimes and I’m in the middle of the urge, it just makes me want it more.And I look at myself and I question,Why is it that I can know the full consequences of something and still actually want to dance with it?I say, well, not me. I’ll get out. I’ll get out before it really hurts me. And the consequences for me haven’t been all that bad if I really think about it.But when I look at my life right now, I have to ask, is that really true?The Hunger Beneath ItAnd I have to look at this even in the container of a beautiful process like ayahuasca and sitting in ceremony and being in community. I was doing what I thought at the time was this amazing, incredible, service work.But I knew at a certain point of medicine that I was really destroying my life. And maybe there was a part of me that needed to do that clearly because I did it.But, through that entire adventure, there was this lie being told.I’m special.I’m different, and this is what should be happeningI don’t know, these stories we tell ourselves about who we are, and why it’s okay for us. To some degree, I feel like this is like the core of the rebel. This is like the core of that rebel aspect.The rules are different for meWhen I look at my life and where it’s at, I can absolutely see the beauty and the perfection of where I stand. Because that’s all creation can be, and in my opinion it is perfect.Perfectly teachingPerfectly destroyingPerfectly evolvingBut there’s been some major consequences because I’m still not really wanting to own this human experience. I’m still not fully engaged in walking my brothers and sisters home. Or allowing them to do the same for me, to the degree that my soul is longing for. When I was sitting with this deep craving, I was sitting with Rapeh, and my body, and movement, and a curiosity of…What is this addictive hunger really about?Why do I always feel so hungry in life?Why am I clinging to so many things, grasping at so many things, getting involved in so many things, and none of it really feels quenching? It just gives me a quick hit, but then I’m still there feeling lost in the next moment. Or I feel dreadful about life in the next moment when I really have to sit down and create something or sit down and know what I’m doing with myself.I think I just have this really deep fear of the hunger I have for life, of the hunger of what I want to accomplish and the bigness of it.Not bigness as in, I’m here to do something great. It’s not even that. It’s like, wow, my life force energy is consuming and it’s a lot and it has so much it wants to do. I’m terrified.I’m terrified of what my life force wants to do, because it feels like a lot, and I guess little me is really questioning if I’m capable of what my life force longs for.I’m terrified of who I have to become in order to give it what it’s seeking.I know this has nothing to do with a role or this idea of impact even necessarily. I know enough now that all of the ideals of becoming who we’re supposed to be or this higher version, or fixing ourselves in some ways is just a complete joke of a hunt.We’ve had what we are looking for the whole time. It was right there, right? As Gangaji says, “the diamonds in our pocket.” The diamond is consciousness. It is us. There’s nothing to seek for. There’s nothing you can find because it’s ungraspable and I understand all of this.So it’s more about getting in my own way or intentionally blocking what wants to just naturally come through. It’s interesting to feel how it was actually the hope in my day today, the excitement of life feeling so great, and feeling excited to be alive, that led to the first thought of alcohol.There is this linkage between what wants to become, and this imprinting of destabilization. Just a deep fear of raw life energy consistently pulsating through my body.I’m sitting here with an internal family systems therapy for addictions book in front of me. I have all these new books I just recently got. Some focused on addiction, some focused on learning yoga deeply, some focused on untethering and letting the mind fall away.Yet the addiction craving is here in the space amongst all of it.It’s still here knocking on the door. Still here wanting to claw its way in. Giving this sweet promise of release, laughter, and not caring for a few hours.Even at the cost of being tired tomorrow, being less present tomorrow, being foggy tomorrow.Sitting With What Is HereI don’t know why I got on to record this.I just felt like it was necessary to actually offer something out there that speaks from the space of craving and addiction without trying to fix it or solve it. To not know what to do with it.Because I feel like so often that’s how we or I handle everything. When I’m struggling and I want out of this struggle or I’m depressed and I don’t want to feel depressed anymore. I’m sad and I don’t want to feel sad anymore.So we go seeking and either we’re the person telling people how to not be sad anymore. We’re the people telling others how not to be depressed anymore. Or we’re the one seeking someone telling us how to not feel this anymore.And that, for me, just isn’t really cutting it these days.Often, what’s been really teaching me is when I’m not trying to be anything more than what’s in the moment.What happens when I face that big, deep thing that feels so hard to face, and what if I just sit with this hunger?Of addictionWhat if I sit with this longing and desire?What if I look at my life and see how much desire runs it?From one moment to the next I’m desiring something.I’m desiring purposeI’m desiring easeI’m desiring a high or a dopamine hit,I’m desiring my life to feel a little exciting in that momentI’m desiring sexI’m desiring connection,I’’m desiring feeling important and feeling needed.It’s just one after the other. If I look at my life, it’s basically just a trail of desire.I know there’s no way out of this. That there’s not this place and space where desire no longer lives. Maybe there’s a place where desire no longer runs me. The thing I know clearly at this point is that this is not about getting rid of it all.I do think that there is something magical about just allowing it, witnessing it. Facing it. letting ourselves be curious of what’s within or underneath it.I guess that’s the question of the day.What is within or underneath this?This hunger and this desire to feel relief. To feel like I can access a sense of everything being okay in this moment. I’m seeking it through liquid form.Or... the naughtiness of not having to be responsible for one more night. Or when it comes to food, just the comfort of this friend that never lets me down.It’s heavy, and it’s... sticky, and it’s... oily, and in a way, it allows me to pull myself down into a sensation or a frequency in my body that actually feels much more comfortable than lightness, than calmness, than clarity.More and more, I am really starting to see how my constant being lost is my way of staying lost.That when I can distract myself and spiral myself and keep doing things that remind me how undeserving I am of this thing I’m trying to do, then it just allows me to stay more lost. It gives me all the validation I need to see why I can’t complete this thing that some part of me is wanting to birth and bring into this world.I really do believe that quote, “if you want something different, then you have to do something different.”For me, doing something different is actually speaking out loud what’s here, to an audience. To a group of people that I massively respect and that I want respect from. To those who maybe have an idea of who I am or who I should be because of the work I’m trying to create in this world.So I just have to be real about who I actually am in this work and in what I’m trying to create in this world.There is a constant humbling of humanness. The reality that I will probably always let people who look up to me down.This recognition that I am way more committed to the truth than I am to not letting people down.I am way more committed to realness, to honesty, to being a light within the darkness.That means being in that darkness with you, and that means showing those ugly, vulnerable parts.At the cost of anything.There’s a part of me that wonders if I’ll ever be able to move through this stuff in a more grounded, healthy way. In a way, I kind of have to be in all of this to actually do the work I feel I’m here to do.The Cross and the LanternBut I guess that’s what I surrendered to.I’ve really been working with this concept of Jesus and Jesus on the cross. How even he, as God’s son, had to face persecution, betrayal from his closest disciples, and judgement of people who didn’t understand what he was trying to do.Even though he didn’t want to do it either, and he prayed that this not be his fate, he got on that cross, and he showed us how to suffer. He showed us how to die to our ideas of who we are. He showed us how to be resurrected to what wants to become reborn within us.More and more, I’m understanding I made vows to life and vows to God in a way that said I’m willing.I’m willing to be your child that gets up on that cross.I’m willing to be persecutedI’m willing to be betrayedI’m willing to die to who I think I am in order to be resurrected into whatever wants to be rebornI guess that’s what I want to remind others of who feel like they’re on that cross. Who feel they’re in that persecution. They’re in that betrayal. Those who are terrified of dying to everything they think they are.We’re all gonna make it to the other side, into that resurrection.One moment at a time, one day at a time, one choice at a time.So I will leave this here for those of you who are maybe in a moment very similar.It sucks.But we’re gonna make it to the other side.Wishing you some grace. Wishing you some clarity. Wishing you some courage.May we all be lanterns to one another when we need it the most.Walking the Sacred Edge,Saisha Ma This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://sanctuaryforthemisfitsofgod.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2">sanctuaryforthemisfitsofgod.substack.com/subscribe</a>

March 16, 2026

The Freedom of Untethering

Hello everyone. Welcome to the Sanctuary with Saisha Ma.I was not planning on sending something today, mainly because it’s been an interesting day and I’m in an interesting space right now. For whatever reason, I still think that I have to be in a certain frequency or a certain ability or permission. Like I need to be something for whoever is listening or reading what I put out.And I’m currently going through a very deep untethering, is what I will call it.I’m doing the work of Gangaji right now. For those of you who aren’t familiar, her work is in the realms of Ramana Maharshi. And for those of you who aren’t familiar with him, it’s kind of the world of self-inquiry and sort of letting everything go.Ramana Maharshi was known for being a guru in India, and thousands and probably millions of people went to see him. But he was a unique guru because he refused to teach anything. He actually rarely even spoke. Many of his disciples tried to get teachings from him, but his only teaching was to be in his presence. That was all you needed. Presence.He carried the presence of awakening because he had awakened to the truth, and so people would simply sit there with him in stillness and silence.I never understood this.I have followed some of his work and done some self-inquiry, which is actually very powerful, but I could never understand it when I first came across these teachings. What could just sitting there possibly teach you? What could stillness actually do?Gangaji comes from this lineage. Her teacher was a disciple of Ramana, and her work is all about letting it go.I encountered her work many years ago, but I haven’t been able to sit with it for long term. I understand why now. I’m finally sitting with it because I’m finally willing. I’m finally willing to go this deep into what it means to let go and surrender, and what that really asks of us.And I felt the urge to talk about this journey because the world is so loud right now.It’s loud with ego, with identity, with control, domination, and power. With the United States especially, we often believe we are so right. We believe in what we’ve created, in our technology, our intelligence, our advancement. I’m not saying everyone believes this, because I do think there are many people working to become humbled and collaborative and in union with life again.But it’s hard to deny where we came from. A culture of domination. A culture of power.And it feels really real right now how difficult it is to step away from the idea that we even know who we’re supposed to be. We created this path where we convinced ourselves that we knew the answers, that somehow we knew better than the greater source that created everything.We’ve been playing God for many years.We decided when we would eat. We didn’t want to be hunters or gatherers anymore. We didn’t want to live at the whim of the earth or weather. We took control. We broke the system. We cheated the game.And we celebrated it.We looked at cultures that held ancient wisdom and lineage and called them third world. Less civilized. Beneath us.But when I look at where we are now, I wonder if we can even see our own demise. I wonder if we can see how much we’re driving ourselves into the ground.Because we believed our own lie.And now we are so far into that lie that it’s hard to admit the truth of it.Watching My Own War WithinAs I sit with all of this, I’m also witnessing the war inside myself. How much energy I give to resistance, to fear, to domination and control. How much energy goes toward not wanting to feel threatened or small.As I’m doing Gangaji’s work, reading her book, listening to her recordings, and putting myself in this teaching over and over again, it’s really confronting my ego. My ego wants to cling and grasp and say, “No, this is who I am. I need my mind. My mind is everything.”It says I can’t let my thoughts stop. I can’t turn off the mind.And yet when I allow myself to be vulnerable enough to not know, when I let my identities loosen just a little, there’s this small window where everything softens.There’s relief.It starts to feel like maybe life isn’t about changing anything. Maybe it’s not about becoming someone different or forcing some spiritual awakening.Maybe awakening is simply this moment right here. This world exactly as it is. The suffering, the pain, the laughter, the sorrow.Not conceptually embracing it, but realizing that this is what awakening actually is. There is no secret. No perfect world waiting somewhere else. No utopia that will finally arrive.This is it.The Stories We CarryI noticed this today when I was ruminating about what I should be putting out. I’ve also been applying for jobs, and I’ve been strangely resistant to that.And that resistance helped me see something.The only reason I’m bothered by it is because I have beliefs about who I am supposed to be.I have a belief about myself as this rebel free being serving the world in a certain way. And somehow that belief got tangled with the idea that I shouldn’t just go get a job if I need one.But when I let that identity go, it doesn’t really matter.What’s fascinating is that I’m reconnecting with a very deep passion for working with youth. I just want to be around teenagers. I’ve been applying to jobs that would allow me to do that, and something inside me feels really excited about it.When I drop the identity story, it becomes simple. I’m just a soul applying for jobs with teens because that sounds joyful and meaningful.And at the same time, I’m still a soul building the Sanctuary. I don’t know what it’s going to become, and I’m realizing I don’t actually need to know.Maybe it becomes weekly talks. Maybe writing. Maybe circles.It doesn’t need to become some massive thing for me to be worthy in this work.And in the meantime, I can have a job. I can support my partner. I can care for our animals and our home.It’s fascinating to watch how trapped the mind makes us.We say we want freedom, but we worship our minds. We believe everything it says. We identify with every thought and every emotion.We say “I am angry” instead of noticing that anger is simply moving through us.And then we spiral deeper into the thought and the emotion until it becomes our identity.The Addiction to SufferingAll of this connects to something else I’ve been exploring deeply: the addiction to suffering.We say we are tired of suffering, but we behave in ways that guarantee we will suffer. We ruminate. We hold onto stories and beliefs because they are so emotionally powerful.They are juicy.And we rarely ask ourselves why we are unwilling to let them go. Why do we think someone needs to see us or validate us? What is underneath that?When I look at myself honestly, I can see that desire to be seen. To be validated. And underneath it is simply the ego wanting to feel important.Even the stories we hold about our inner child eventually become identities we cling to. And at some point we have to ask: when is it time to let those stories end?When is it time to let the inner child be free?The Comical TruthToday I did an exercise from Gangaji where you list the ways you identify yourself and the ways others identify you.And it was hilarious. For every identity there was an opposite.Some people think I’m amazing. Some people think I’m a complete a*****e. Some people think I’m wise and grounded. Others think I’m sharp or mean.I’ve spent so much energy trying to hold onto the good identities and reject the bad ones. But when I really looked at the list, none of it was actually true.They’re all projections.We project onto each other constantly depending on our needs, moods, and perceptions. One day someone seems wonderful, the next day they seem unbearable. And suddenly I found myself asking: why have I been believing any of this?Why believe the good or the bad? Why not simply witness it? Because all of it is temporary. Happiness is temporary. Sadness is temporary. Anger is temporary. Bliss is temporary.That’s the joke. There is nothing we get to cling to.The Freedom That Was Always HereI’ve spent my whole life fighting for freedom. And it’s funny to realize that freedom was always here. I can’t cling to my freedom because the moment I cling to it, it traps me.And no one can cling to me either.Because I am already free.I didn’t know what I was coming on here to say. I just followed the vulnerability of not knowing.Maybe this resonates with some of you. Maybe it doesn’t.But this is my offering today.I’ll continue to share as this unfolds. The next Living Rhythm lantern will likely come through in the next few days.Until then, I’m happy to be here and happy to walk the sacred edge with you all.Saisha MaSanctuary for the Misfits of God This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://sanctuaryforthemisfitsofgod.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2">sanctuaryforthemisfitsofgod.substack.com/subscribe</a>

15 total episodes available

Deep-dive analytics for Sanctuary for the Misfits of God Podcast

Frequently asked questions

Have a different question and can't find the answer you're looking for? Reach out to our support team by sending us an email and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

What is Sanctuary for the Misfits of God Podcast?: For the wild hearts & holy misfits. I teach heart-based communication, self-love alchemy & embodied devotion. <a href="https://sanctuaryforthemisfitsofgod.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">sanctuaryforthemisfitsofgod.substack.com</a>
How often does this podcast release new episodes?: This podcast updates daily.
Where can I listen to this podcast?: This podcast is available on 4 platforms including Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more. You can also use the RSS feed directly.
Does this podcast accept guests?: No, this podcast does not typically feature guests.

Legal Disclaimer

Pod Engine is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or officially connected with any of the podcasts displayed on this platform. We operate independently as a podcast discovery and analytics service.

All podcast artwork, thumbnails, and content displayed on this page are the property of their respective owners and are protected by applicable copyright laws. This includes, but is not limited to, podcast cover art, episode artwork, show descriptions, episode titles, transcripts, audio snippets, and any other content originating from the podcast creators or their licensors.

We display this content under fair use principles and/or implied license for the purpose of podcast discovery, information, and commentary. We make no claim of ownership over any podcast content, artwork, or related materials shown on this platform. All trademarks, service marks, and trade names are the property of their respective owners.

While we strive to ensure all content usage is properly authorized, if you are a rights holder and believe your content is being used inappropriately or without proper authorization, please contact us immediately at hey@podengine.ai for prompt review and appropriate action, which may include content removal or proper attribution.

By accessing and using this platform, you acknowledge and agree to respect all applicable copyright laws and intellectual property rights of content owners. Any unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or commercial use of the content displayed on this platform is strictly prohibited.