A writer’s journal of thoughts, stories, and reflections—sometimes a recap, sometimes a rant. <br/><br/><a href="https://lydianaomirose.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">lydianaomirose.substack.com</a>
Written by Lydia Rose
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Podcast Overview
A writer’s journal of thoughts, stories, and reflections—sometimes a recap, sometimes a rant. <br/><br/><a href="https://lydianaomirose.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">lydianaomirose.substack.com</a>
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1/12/2022
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Recent Episodes
January 31, 2022
remembering bell hooks.
<p>In December, the world lost one of its most illustrious and revolutionary writers and feminist thinkers. I was first introduced to bell hooks whilst studying for my first degree. I did American Studies for my degree, with a primary focus on literature and so studied a lot of feminist theory. By the time I started the second year of my degree, I was already beginning to figure out my research interests. As a young black woman at the start of her journey towards understanding identity and knowing self, I wanted to curate a learning experience for myself that would help me to answer all the questions I was beginning to have. bell hooks’ words in Ain’t I a Woman? Black women and feminism and Feminist Theory: From Margin to Centre were central to my research as I analysed the role of women within Black American literature. bell hooks’ examination of the effects of racism and sexism on black women taught me so much whilst I started to figure out my place in society as a young black woman. At the time, I didn’t have the language to really describe how I felt and what I was up against, however bell hooks’ words articulated it perfectly for me, and for so many other black women. When it came to shaping my feminism as a young black woman, bell hooks was truly instrumental.</p><p>In most recent years, bell hooks’ all about love, which was originally published in 2000, has definitely gone through a resurgence amongst black millennials, and so it is only recently that I read this book. Now a lot of us are hitting our 30s, the lessons that this book has to offer are more timely than ever. If you haven’t read all about love, in a nutshell, bell hooks talks about different aspects of love in modern-day society and using her own personal experiences as well as psychological and philosophical ideas, she offers a way for us to reimagine how we give and receive love. Through highlighting different aspects of love such as respect, commitment and trust for example, bell hooks challenges the idea of romantic love being the most important love of all, which is something society teaches us from early childhood. </p><p>Given where I am currently in my journey, reading this book truly felt affirming and just confirmed for me that everything that I am feeling and experiencing is exactly where I am meant to be. There are many lessons that bell hooks offers in this book, however, I just wanted to talk about one or two as I aim to keep these recordings to around 10 minutes tops. So the first lesson I wanted to talk about is that:</p><p>* Love is a verb, not an abstract concept</p><p>I think this is one of the most important takeaways from all about love. I think society has made it impossible for us to have a shared definition of what ‘love’ truly means, which is why so many of us continue to search for it in situations which are unfulfilling. When speaking about how love can truly be defined, bell hooks quotes Erich Fromm who defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”. This is exactly where I am when it comes to understanding what it truly means to love myself as well as someone I love. Now I say someone I love as I am really trying to unlearn this idea of romantic love being the be all and end all. For me, love means showing up and actively doing the work to nurture not just your own growth in mind, body and spirit, but as bell hooks and Erich Fromm say, having and showing that willingness to truly nurture that same growth in the people that you love. I definitely have relationships in my life where I can see and feel that definition of love. I feel it with my sister, my parents, and my closest friends. This is such an amazing feeling because when it does come to finding that significant other, I feel like I now really know what being in the presence of true love should feel like. </p><p>This nicely brings me onto the next lesson I want to talk about:</p><p>* We can learn the art of loving through community.</p><p>This is a big one for me, because this is something I have really been focusing on and over the past few years, have learned the true importance of exercising gratitude for all of the amazing non-romantic relationships I am blessed to have. If you know me personally, I am a true advocate for sisterhood amongst everything else. Whether it be a sisterhood by blood or a chosen sisterhood, I think the community that you build within a sisterhood circle is extremely powerful and transformative. In a world ruled by capitalism and patriarchy, having a community to sustain you is essential for survival. Nowadays, you see sisterhood circles raising children together and relying on the community they have chosen to make shit work. It’s crazy to me that the notion of friendship being less important than family is established from early childhood, when these types of bonds can teach us so much about those aspects and actions of love that bell hooks talks about, such as care, commitment, and trust. We learn to do these in our friendships and as bell hooks says, this can enable us “to bring this love to other interactions with family or romantic bonds”. Community is essential for learning how to give and receive love and this chapter in all about love really confirmed that for me. </p><p>There are so many other takeaways from all about love that I will always come back to, such as bell hooks’ lessons on loss and healing, having gone through a lot of major loss over the past few years. However, I just wanted to share the reflections I have had most recently. bell hooks’ words have touched and transformed so many of us and her legacy will definitely live on in the hearts, minds and hopefully, the actions of all those that she will continue to inspire and awaken. Her words have definitely inspired and transformed me and for that, I am truly grateful.</p><p>Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to listen, I truly appreciate it. If you’re not subscribed to my newsletter, you can head to commandb.substack.com and subscribe there. I tend to post every fortnight. Feel free to follow me as well on my socials, which is @justlydz_ on both Twitter and Instagram. I’m always down to talk about any and everything so let me know your thoughts by tweeting at me or leaving a comment.</p><p>Until next time guys,</p><p>Peace x</p><p>Thank you to my sister, Lehana Rose and cousin Joel Dawes for their contributions to this episode. </p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://lydianaomirose.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1">lydianaomirose.substack.com</a>
January 12, 2022
Self-care is not Selfish
<p>Hi everyone!</p><p>I hope you are doing well! I hope you enjoy this week’s audio newsletter. Please find the written version below for those who would prefer to read this post, or may be hearing impaired. As always, subscribe and leave a comment if you felt moved or have any questions for me!</p><p>Speak soon,</p><p>Lydia x</p><p>Hey guys, hope you’re doing well!</p><p>Welcome to the first COMMAND + B audio newsletter or podcast, if you will? Call it what you want, but I feel like certain topics I explore in this Newsletter will definitely hit different when listened to, rather than read. Like today’s. </p><p>But first off, a bit about me. I’m Lydia, I’m a South Londoner, born and bred. And yes, being a South Londoner is absolutely a personality trait. I’m an educator first and foremost in all things. I work in Edtech by day and create content by night. My loves include everything 90s, everything books and words, Harry Potter, and music and true-crime docs. </p><p>A bit about COMMAND + B. I created this Newsletter for a number of reasons. Firstly, it’s a way to keep me writing. But also, I wanted to create a space, where I could feel confident and bold enough to attack certain issues unapologetically. Issues that impact black women, society, self and a whole lot of other shit. Hence the name, COMMAND + B. So I hope you like this space to be honest and continue to journey with me as we grow, ground ourselves and heal.</p><p>Today I’m gonna be talking about friendships, and why sometimes, as difficult as it might be, you really have to prioritise your own needs ahead of your friends.</p><p>I don’t know about you guys, but when it comes to the turn of the year, I always find myself reflecting on the relationships I have in my life. Since the pandemic, I think this feeling has definitely felt heavier, as we have spent more time away from loved ones and in isolation. Having more time on my own has allowed me to reflect on the relationships, namely friendships, I have in my life, my role in these relationships and whether I truly feel these relationships are serving me in a real way. I just thought I’d share some of these reflections, as a way to 1. make sense of them, and 2. Just put it out there, in case it resonates with any of you. </p><p>As I said before, I’ve really been thinking about the role that I play in certain friendships. I’ve always prided myself on being a loyal friend, who is there to give advice and support whenever it is needed. I think I am naturally quite fiercely protective of the people that I love and that’s always been the case. However, as time has gone on, I feel like it has gone from being protective to fully taking on the role of a mother, and I don’t like it. </p><p>As the ‘mother’ within a friendship, you are viewed as someone who is content in being happy to serve the needs of others and neglect your own. Rather than being seen as a woman who feels deeply and also needs support, you’re seen as ‘strong’ and a person who has it altogether, so there’s no need to worry. No need to check in. No need to centre your feelings. And because you’ve managed to unknowingly assume this role in your friendships, you don’t have the luxury of showing up as a messy individual, like everyone else.</p><p>When it comes to my friends, I know that I have created a space where they can feel safe enough to be vulnerable and ultimately trust me with their hearts. But if I’m being totally honest, how often is that reciprocated? I’m not entirely sure. I’ve been the giver in many relationships, but have seldom received anything back. Now I’m not someone who does things for the accolades, but when you constantly give parts of yourself, it can become extremely exhausting. When the reality hits that some friendships have become exhausting, trust me, it is not a good sign. It means that something's got to give. And that’s the point I am at now when it comes to a few friendships. Not that I love these people any less, but in order to prioritise my own well-being, shit’s gotta change. Here’s a couple of things I’m trying to do going forward:</p><p>Firstly, it’s about knowing when to pull back and knowing that self-care is not selfish. You can only do so much for those you love. Be there, but always have an ear on your intuition. If your gut is saying “listen, it’s enough. Leave them to it”. Then you have to leave them to it. You can’t fix and save everyone, because that’s actually not your job. It’s definitely going to feel weird at first, because it’s almost as if fixing has become part of you, a personality trait. But that’s all the more reason to pull back, so you can actually give yourself the space to explore who you are without the fixing and saving of others. </p><p>Earlier, I talked about friendship being a safe space. If you feel like you’re doing everything you can to create a safe space for your friends, but they are not doing the same, you have to be honest with yourself about the friendship and it’s true dynamic. The space could no longer feel safe for a number of reasons. As time passes, we develop and grow with it. Because of this, it’s only natural that in some cases you will grow at different rates or maybe even grow apart. Don’t get down about it, be honest with yourself and practical about how much time you are willing to give to these friends who are on a completely different page or in a completely different space to you.</p><p>One thing I can also say is that as black millennials, a lot of us are putting in the work to ensure that any toxic patterns or generational trauma stops with us. There are certain things we are not willing to accept and these traumas are not something we want the next generation to inherit. We all have trauma we are having to deal with and work through. As we work through our own trauma, we cannot take on the trauma of others too. As a friend, you do what you can to support and encourage those loved ones in your life who are having a hard time to seek support, but ultimately, we all have a responsibility to ourselves first and foremost. Pouring into everyone’s vessel and leaving your own empty, in the long run, you are only hurting yourself. </p><p>So yeah, I just wanted to take the time to share those reflections with you folk. If you are going through something similar or feel like you’re at a fork in the road with a significant relationship in your life, I really hope this has resonated with you. To wrap up, I just want to highlight the following for you to take away:</p><p>* Know when to pull back.</p><p>* Self-care is not selfish.</p><p>* I am deserving of a safe space to be vulnerable and show up as your messy self.</p><p>* Pour love into my own vessel, first and foremost.</p><p>So please use these lessons as you wish. If you want to journal them, or recite them as affirmations in the mirror. Whatever you feel is going to work for you, please use these lessons this year and beyond, as we grow into new versions of ourselves. Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to listen, I truly appreciate it. If you’re not subscribed to my newsletter, you can head to commandb.substack.com and subscribe there. I tend to post every fortnight. Feel free to follow me as well on my socials, which is @justlydz_ on both Twitter and Instagram. I’m always down to talk about any and everything so let me know your thoughts by tweeting at me or leaving a comment.</p><p>Until next time guys,</p><p>Peace x</p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://lydianaomirose.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1">lydianaomirose.substack.com</a>
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